I think I might be ending my marriage. Could do with some support

[Laura2820]

Hi
We’ve been together 20 years since I was 18.
We are quite different people, I’m a very positive extrovert, he’s quite a negative introvert.
We used to get along well but I feel like we are slowly drifting apart. I’ve probably become less keen to ‘fix all his woes’ and he’s feeling rejected.
I feel like he sucks the joy out of me. Our communication is terrible. If I bring up a problem He shouts rather than talks and so I just have stoped bothering.
We don’t really chat, laugh etc together. No hello hug kiss, no hand holding, no saying I love you.
He wants to have sex a lot, I don’t feel that connection with him anymore and he feels rejected that way too.
His self esteem is shit, he thinks he would be alone if it wasn’t for me.
But I’m changing as I approach 40. I’m
Getting more successful in my career and feeling less responsible for supporting him with his on-off depression when he does absolutely nothing to support himself with this.
At work or with friends I’m always laughing, life and soul but at home there’s nothing.
I think Our children are picking up on it, I don’t want to Model this joyless relationship to them.
But it’s so hard.
We have lots of history. My whole adult life really, so it’s very sad. He feels rejected and that he tries to hug me etc and it’s true I am shying away because I feel like I’ve died a death of a thousand papercuts. Crying at Disneyland/in the toilet at Christmas because he’s being a miserable twat.
He’s not purposefully unkind, he just doesn’t know how to communicate well and often sounds rude but insists he doesn’t mean it. He can be thoughtful and kind too.
I just feel like we’ve grown apart and I could be happier with someone who feels like a real friend, to share laughter and happiness.
I think I’ve got the ick a bit too.
This isn’t the first time I felt like this and I end up feeling guilty because he has low self worth and looks destroyed and I don’t want yo break his heart but equally I can’t change his personality.
But I feel a bit heartless, like it’s not bad enough to leave.
Practicalities will be a nightmare with childcare and stuff. Money probably ok.
And words of wisdom would be so so gratefully received.

I'm sorry you're in this position. No words of wisdom I'm afraid. I suck at relationships and am about to leave my second serious, with a child, long term one.
But having left an ex husband, it does get better. The guilt came and went but I felt so relieved to be out and free. I'd felt trapped for a while.
Practicalities aside, you deserve some happiness too. It's a difficult decision to make but you're still young and have lots of life left to live.
Good luck with your new chapter.

He’s not purposefully unkind, he just doesn’t know how to communicate well and often sounds rude but insists he doesn’t mean it. He can be thoughtful and kind too.

This makes me think that he IS purposefully unkind as he CAN be thoughtful and kind too. He’s just choosing not to be. You are not responsible for his happiness. If he won’t help himself, then why should you?

I recommend this book OP. Too good to leave, too bad to stay. It really helped me decide what to do.

www.wob.com/en-gb/books/mira-kirshenbaum/too-good-to-leave-too-bad-to-stay/9780718141776?gclid=Cj0KCQiAt8WOBhDbARIsANQLp95vvgTgw1fHalDP_GxKLYd86rsDddndcMwa5KJnwKmlh4jzV2H1OhAaAs7fEALw_wcB

I could’ve written this 8 months ago apart from I’m older than you. I’m you and my husband sounds similar to yours. My husband is a good person but I can’t take it anymore. No joy, no hand holding etc, no fun, conversation etc etc. After a difficult few months we are splitting up. Apart from telling the kids I literally can’t wait til he moves out. Beg February thank god. Good luck with whatever you decide but it’s not a way to live

Hi Laura2820,
I'm so sorry for you as I am in the exact same position and desperately trying to figure out the best thing to do...
We've been together for 20 yrs...
Alcohol has been a big issue for a long time... his normal caring attitude totally changes towards me, he's
Argumentative and aggressive... the last 4 yrs have been the worst... I stopped drinking and he carried on! Then I told him he had to stop, he drank secretly! (I found out because he started being horrible to me and I couldn't figure out why?!?! 😳 turned out he was drinking.)
So now we've been not drinking for the last 8 months and it's been quiet but I'm so detached from him, no trust, love, care, compassion or romance.
Somehow he managed to talk me into having a drink with a meal on New Year's Eve- my big mistake....
He turned on me and became argumentative and aggressive for no reason again so I went to bed to get away from him.
Silence all day yesterday... today he's apologetic and promises never to drink again!!!!! I've heard it all before.
I can't do this anymore but it's so difficult to actually end it. 😢😢

I'm in a similar position too. I developed PTSD after the death of our middle child. My husband isn't supportive of my MH issues and I feel we've drifted apart. I can't have a meaningful discussion with him about our relationship as he gets defensive, when he gets stressed he gives us the silent treatment (just like his Dad did to his Mum). When things get bad I think about leaving, even gone as far as looking for places to rent, then they improve again and it doesn't seem bad enough to uproot two kids (one of whom has Autism, the other is selectively mute). But I can't help but think there's supposed to be more to life...

Thanks for the book recommendation, I will read it.
It all feels a bit surreal. Like I’m having all these conversations with friends and seeking advice internally. But on the outside everything is the same and I can’t imagine throwing everything up in the air. But equally I seem to go round and round year in and year out having these bleak times where I feel like I should leave but never doing anything.

You can't sacrifice your life because he struggles to behave properly regardless of the reason why. He's depressed, he doesn't mean it, etc etc. You have put 20 years into trying to balance this equation and you've reached the end and that's ok. You are allowed to want more from your partner.

It's also telling that he wants sex but gives no affection back in a non sexual way. No hugs, handholding etc. If this isn't the first time you've felt like this I'm sure you've already had conversations about this and he's done nothing to change his behaviour. Probably because he doesn't care about how you feel other than when it affects him (ie no sex).

Make a resolution to put you and your feelings first rather than behind his.

If you need permission to leave then give yourself it. You have outgrown this relationship. You were very young when you met and had no idea how you would both end up as true adult characters. It turns out that you are no longer compatible and that's ok, better to split now and amicably than leave it and end up with things becoming increasingly antagonist between you. Once you've got the ick it's the end of the road.

You have given enough time to the relationship.

Don't sacrifice you life to such misery.

Your children won't thank you.

Get organised and get out.

Planning is key.

To be fair, he does want to hug and stuff but I just dont feel that connection any more.
I literally can’t remember the last time I saw him smile. We dont have laughter and happiness together and I feel just totally disconnected from him. It’s really sad and I wish things were different but it’s been growing for years. I remember feeling similar three years ago, and just pushing it down.
It all feels too real to do anything about it tho. He’d be devastated.

Life is too short to be miserable, there is nothing wrong with growing up and growing apart!

How old are your kids? Have they noticed you are unhappy (if they are old enough to understand) firstly can you start to separate your finances if they are joint and start making headway into leaving? Being financially independent is your key to leaving swiftly, Do not stay because of the kids.

Op your posts feel so familiar to me. I too am trapped in this cycle of indecision about whether to end my marriage (our situations re age, length of marriage etc sound very similar).

Things had been getting pretty awful for some time. It all came out last year and we spent a lot of time letting it all out. It's all calmed down now and I think H feels we are rebuilding. But I just feel dead inside towards him. The anger I felt previously has dissolved somewhat, but I physically recoil at being touched by him and I spend most days listening to a voice in my head playing out scenarios where I say out loud I want to split and how life would look.

And yet...we are like the same person in many ways, I want our family life, I want the good bits, but I want to be left alone and to be free to make my own decisions and sleep in my bed alone.

Id be off. I wasted 20 years on mine should have left after 5. My new life is infinitely better.

Oh OP no advice just in the same boat. That sinking feeling, no smiles, the disconnect. I keep thinking of all the red flags before we had kids and wish I'd taken notice. Every day I wish it was just me and DCs. I hope things improve for you.

I’m sorry so many feel the same.
I feel all these things but then when we are sat in the same room I think ami being dramatic?

No advice op but I'm in the same position. He's just so negative all the time - I've stopped saying anything to him as he turns it into a negative.

I can’t help but think I could be happy with a partner who is like me, chatty and silly and happy.

But also it’s such a lot to throw away. So much history. It would be so cruel to him. But I think he knows I’m unhappy, I just can’t say the words.
I worry it’s just a wobbly hormonal few weeks and I’ll feel totally different later.
Every month preperiod I especially feel this way. Is it hormones or just the situation rumbling up, i don’t know.

This post is shocking to me as I literally could have written it myself. I'm on the leaving side of things right now ..again.. god knows if I'll actually go through with it though. I hope I will. All the best to you op

I keep thinking of all the red flags before we had kids and wish I'd taken notice.

Do you ever wish you could go back & give your younger-self a wobble?

OP - you are only 38. And you already lived a life time - more than half of your life with him.
And as it so often happens - you aren’t the same person you were as a teenager when you met him. He isn’t the same.
You were a fit then. Not anymore now.

There is still time for you to meet someone else who’ll work better for you. And he will meet someone just as well.

You have a long time in front of you still - so don’t let your past past keep a hold on you.
It won’t be easy to untangle the long life together. But it won’t be easier later either - those feelings you have won’t change and you’ll end up leaving at some point.
Good luck

I guess it depends on whether or not you want the days that lie in your future to look exactly like the ones in your past?

It sounds like you're getting closer to making a decision and that's why the turmoil has kicked in. Although you may know the answer deep down, there's no rush to act on it. Give yourself the time and space to do things in your own time.

Also, don't consider it "throwing away" the past 20 years... You can still cherish the good times but recognise they're not coming back.

I know me a how you feel, but I’m now further down the line.
Not had sex for years, no hugs/kisses/hand holding, separate bedrooms. I hardly even sit in the same room as him. We are housemates only.
Please think about how you will feel in 10/20 years if you stay for the kids. Really, go and live life, don’t just exist for other people 💐

And get your ducks in a row now for if and when you need it in the future.

@Laura2820

I can’t help but think I could be happy with a partner who is like me, chatty and silly and happy.

But also it’s such a lot to throw away. So much history. It would be so cruel to him. But I think he knows I’m unhappy, I just can’t say the words.
I worry it’s just a wobbly hormonal few weeks and I’ll feel totally different later.
Every month preperiod I especially feel this way. Is it hormones or just the situation rumbling up, i don’t know.

This is exactly what I wonder, but I wonder if it’s peri menopause hormones with me. I know it’s not, it’s years of nothing changing despite the promises.