I think I might be ending my marriage. Could do with some support

[Laura2820]

Hi
We’ve been together 20 years since I was 18.
We are quite different people, I’m a very positive extrovert, he’s quite a negative introvert.
We used to get along well but I feel like we are slowly drifting apart. I’ve probably become less keen to ‘fix all his woes’ and he’s feeling rejected.
I feel like he sucks the joy out of me. Our communication is terrible. If I bring up a problem He shouts rather than talks and so I just have stoped bothering.
We don’t really chat, laugh etc together. No hello hug kiss, no hand holding, no saying I love you.
He wants to have sex a lot, I don’t feel that connection with him anymore and he feels rejected that way too.
His self esteem is shit, he thinks he would be alone if it wasn’t for me.
But I’m changing as I approach 40. I’m
Getting more successful in my career and feeling less responsible for supporting him with his on-off depression when he does absolutely nothing to support himself with this.
At work or with friends I’m always laughing, life and soul but at home there’s nothing.
I think Our children are picking up on it, I don’t want to Model this joyless relationship to them.
But it’s so hard.
We have lots of history. My whole adult life really, so it’s very sad. He feels rejected and that he tries to hug me etc and it’s true I am shying away because I feel like I’ve died a death of a thousand papercuts. Crying at Disneyland/in the toilet at Christmas because he’s being a miserable twat.
He’s not purposefully unkind, he just doesn’t know how to communicate well and often sounds rude but insists he doesn’t mean it. He can be thoughtful and kind too.
I just feel like we’ve grown apart and I could be happier with someone who feels like a real friend, to share laughter and happiness.
I think I’ve got the ick a bit too.
This isn’t the first time I felt like this and I end up feeling guilty because he has low self worth and looks destroyed and I don’t want yo break his heart but equally I can’t change his personality.
But I feel a bit heartless, like it’s not bad enough to leave.
Practicalities will be a nightmare with childcare and stuff. Money probably ok.
And words of wisdom would be so so gratefully received.

Pushing it down - yes, been pushing it down for years. I’ll do it after Xmas, I’ll do it after lockdown, I’ll do it after DD’s birthday, I’ll do it after DS has gone back to Uni.
All excuses to not rip that plaster off.

I was in the same position as some of you. I tried to fix his depression and made excuses for him to other people . I put up with his drinking and verbal abuse. I let him destroy our teenage son’s self esteem while I wobbled about leaving. When he was drunk one night he attacked our son and I had to move our son on the advice of the police. When my son was safe with a friend I made plans to move out. He ultimately tried to throw me out and changed the locks . We had nothing for a while but friends and family rallied around .I had independent finances but it was a struggle. A year later we are so much happier. My son has regained his confidence and it is great to see him happy. We have just had a lovely relaxed Christmas instead of walking on eggshells all the time .

Have you tried getting him to a mental health advisor? What if he suffers from depression and you haven't tried enough.You say you have lost connection . Does he always stay sad all the time?Looking at your post, you have already made a decision to leave it seems . To be honest its better to leave a friendship,a home which takes out of life from you . Not worth it .
Glad you know what to do .

You have made your decision which is the hardest part. Now organise the practicalities. I was in your position 7 years ago, after years of trying and feeling like shit, I left. I had a tough couple of years as I did love my Exh but not in the way I needed too. He treated me appallingly and I used to just put up with it, even now I will occasionally think of an incident in my marriage and think god that was bad why did I accept that? I walked on eggshells scared of saying or doing the wrong thing.

But the best decision I made was to not take it anymore and put myself first, his problems are not your problems to fix. I am so happy now, I’ve remarried and I have the relationship I always wanted, I feel loved, secure and relaxed.

Yes, have tried more than once to get my help, been to the doctors with him etc but he never makes any constructive changes or follows it through. Says he can deal with it. He’s generally quite a negative person and I see this in his family too. I think it’s learnt behaviour, to be a bit woe is me. But we used to have fun too and now all I hear is negativity. Every interraction seems to be a moan. With the kids he doesn’t do the first ask nicely “please can you go up to bed now” it’s straight to “upstairs, now!”.
And he’s probably miserable because I’ve shut off and am cold to him so it’s not all one sided. He feels rejected, like I’d rather be with my friends than spend time with him. But unfortunately it’s true. I wish it weren’t, it would be easier to be happy in his company but I just don’t feel that friendship.

Resentment is a relationship killer.

@Lovescookies I'm so sorry. Prayers

I could have written your post 2 years ago. My ex sucked the life out of my and my dd
. We walked on eggshells a lot. His depression on and off made him very selfish. I ended up having to do everything until I was exhausted. I couldn't remember the last time we laughed. We were together 15 years. I'm a year out of it. The atmosphere in our home is now calm and happy. I wish I'd done it years ago. I wonder what I ever saw in him now. He has turned quite nasty however, but more reason for me to realise I totally made the right decision. Life is too short to stay with someone you have outgrown.

You’ve been with him your whole adult life so far, but you’ve got another possible 30-50 years of adult life still to go. Don’t waste it with someone who doesn’t appreciate or understand you.

@FizzyPiglet

I keep thinking of all the red flags before we had kids and wish I'd taken notice.

Do you ever wish you could go back & give your younger-self a wobble?

Yes I do. I see a few times over the years before DCs clearly now, when the best thing to do for both of us would have been to split. I don't regret having them. But again if I'd have known how the mental load was going to fall I'd have been stronger about facing reality. I've not been an angel in our time, but I've been making excuses for his mental health and moods, and letting them rule everything for years. It's helped no-one.

Another one in exactly the same boat. I also could have written your post word for word. To those who left, please could you advise on practicalities?

I'm worried about his contact with the kids, every interaction with them ends up in shouting unless they do exactly what he wants. They are 10 and 7. I hardly ever leave them with him alone anymore because I worry what I'll come back to.

I'm worried about finances. I earn well and have my own house in a different area which is currently rented out but I'd need to stay local for kids school. Much more expensive area. He earns way more than me and has a lot of savings. No mortgage on our current house. We are married. He'll be very nasty about money. Where do I start in getting financial help on this?

Very grateful for any advice and sorry to jump on your thread OP.

My ex sucked the life out of my and my dd. We walked on eggshells a lot. His depression on and off made him very selfish.

gonnabeok I recognise this so much and I'm glad you're happier. It doesn't seem okay for me to admit the same although I know depression makes my DP horrendously selfish - I'd just get told I was the selfish one for not supporting him. It helps to see that written down.

You got together when you were very young and now you have changed/drifted apart. It is a common story. 40 is often a time when you reassess your life and think about what is not working and making changes.

It sounds like your relationship has come to a natural end and you should not feel guilty about wanting your life to carry on without him.

No one should stay with a man who makes them feel miserable and unhappy. He is a grown man and it is also his responsibility to sort out his issues. It is not your job to make him happy.

I think you know already it is time for you to go. Wish you the best of luck with your new life!!

You say he's basically a good person. If that's the case then set out to him how unhappy you are (remind him you've told him this before and he's done nothing about it), that you are close to ending the marriage because you are both clearly unhappy in it, and why. He is miserable, complaining, negative, unloving, unkind to the children.

If he says 'but you don't want to be affectionate or have sex' - tell him that's BECAUSE of how he is. Why would you want to be affectionate or have sex with someone who is permanently in victim / miserable / joy-sucking mode? His attitude has spoiled your relationship.

Tell him you are miserable as a result and you don't want to spend the rest of your life like this. You deserve better. Your children deserve a happy mum. He is clearly already miserable, and maybe splitting would be better for him too.

He then has choices. He can fight for your marriage, seek help and follow it through (sustained, long term) and change his attitude. Or he can shrug his shoulders, decide he's the victim again, do nothing, or say he's going to change then do little or nothing about it.

If he accepts his fault, and seriously commits to being different, then you're still not promising you're staying... you can see how it goes. You can decide to leave at any time.

One quick question though..... if you had this conversation and he said 'you're right, I need to do something about this, I'll call the GP tomorrow' - would you heart soar or dive?

*would YOUR heart soar or dive?

@layladomino

*would YOUR heart soar or dive?

That is a really good point. That is the thing that has made most sense in my many months of reading around this subject. I don’t want my DH to do anything about it, I want him to go away.

I think I’m teetering into “it’s too late” territory.
I can’t be bothered to try I can’t be bothered to talk about it. And to cry. And to feel bad and that I’m selfish I’d unkind.
Maybe it’s because this seems to go round and round and nothing changes.

I’ve started saying “I hate you” in my head when he does or says things I don’t like

When I think to myself “do I love him”? It’s like I’m
Scared to think about it because I’m scared the answer might be no. I’m also scared I might have the ick but I daren’t think too much or it will make it real.

@2022startingbadly

Another one in exactly the same boat. I also could have written your post word for word. To those who left, please could you advise on practicalities?

I'm worried about his contact with the kids, every interaction with them ends up in shouting unless they do exactly what he wants. They are 10 and 7. I hardly ever leave them with him alone anymore because I worry what I'll come back to.

I'm worried about finances. I earn well and have my own house in a different area which is currently rented out but I'd need to stay local for kids school. Much more expensive area. He earns way more than me and has a lot of savings. No mortgage on our current house. We are married. He'll be very nasty about money. Where do I start in getting financial help on this?

Very grateful for any advice and sorry to jump on your thread OP.

I am a few years ahead of you as am now very nearly divorced.

Where do you start? I would say go see a solicitor now, and you will get an idea of what a financial settlement might look like.

If you do decide to separate, you will need to try mediation first, and if you can make that work it's better (and cheaper) than slogging it out through Court.

Good luck - and to OP - whatever you decide to do .

Oh Goodnightgrandma and Laura I feel exactly the same. I've never imagined there being an alternative but my tolerance is wearing so thin (40s/ peri/ concern for DCs). I fantasise about life without him. I'm thinking 'I hate you' and 'oh just feck off' all day long. It's starting to sink in that this isn't normal.

@Laura2820

When I think to myself “do I love him”? It’s like I’m Scared to think about it because I’m scared the answer might be no. I’m also scared I might have the ick but I daren’t think too much or it will make it real.

I don’t love my DH. I have an affection for him due to our shared children and shared history, and I’m scared of walking away from that, but I don’t love him - and he deserves to be able to find someone to love him. I just wish he’d go and find it, but he seems to prefer this.

@Shoobydooer

Oh Goodnightgrandma and Laura I feel exactly the same. I've never imagined there being an alternative but my tolerance is wearing so thin (40s/ peri/ concern for DCs). I fantasise about life without him. I'm thinking 'I hate you' and 'oh just feck off' all day long. It's starting to sink in that this isn't normal.

I also fantasise a life without him. Even even thought about the police arriving at the door with bad news, that’s how much of a cow I am. I have a constant internal dialogue going all day about how pathetic/lazy/wrong he is. There must be a better life than this, but I’m not sure I have the strength and finances to get there.

I got to the stage where I had to stop asking myself if I loved him. In the end I decided it didn't matter. It wasn't enough.
We've been separated 3 years now, different reasons to you but I also spent ages going over it in my head.
I think if I'm honest, I did still love him. But it wasn't enough. Like Tina Turner sang, what's love got to do with it? There needs to be so much more.

I really feel for you and have been in similar position. I didnt realise how much energy and time it was taking me to deal with my ex’s emotionally cut off personality and behaviours over the years. I found I was regularly making excuses for his behaviour or him choosing not to be at family occasions or social events etc. Like you, I wad naturally positive and social but that diminished over the last couple of years and our family life was constantly impacted bu his depression and past trauma. There is only so much you can do to help someone you love, the rest is up to him. Theres no issue supporting a partner who is going through MH difficulties but when they wont help themselves and your life and wellbeing is being affected like this, it may be time to leave. Would he consider therapy/counselling for himself or as a couple?