Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Gaslighting - please help me

90 replies

gravybones · 01/01/2022 21:12

DP has just stormed out for the 100th time this Christmas

We are both drunk. Both trying to just get on with things.

I turn around, he's storming out. him: "You're a nasty bitch."

Me: "what have I done??"

Him "what have I done?"

Me: "nothing! You're the one storming out! What have I done? Why am I a nasty bitch?"

Him: "I didn't do anything what did I do?"

I can't wrap my head around it. He always turns his accusations against me into pretending I've accuse him when I've done nothing of the sort! What the hell do I do?

OP posts:
layladomino · 02/01/2022 09:05

Leave the door locked and don't take his calls.

He is bad for you. He has promised you that he'll sort out his problems and has broken his promise within hours. And further compunded that by refusing to accept his part in it and still insisting you're at fault. What chance is there of him changing and sustaining it longer term if he can't keep his promise for a few hours?

Noone deserves to be abused. You are being abused. Would you be happy if a total stranger in the street spoke to you like he does? Or a work colleague or friend? I assume not. So why would you accept your DP - someone who is meant to love and cherish you, support and protect you - speaking to you like that?

He doesn't treat you with love. He doesn't show you respect. He gaslights. He shouts and swears at you. You deserve so much better.

Please stay strong. If you take him back he won't change. You will face years of this. In fact he will very likely get worse - every time you take him back you are accepting his abusicve behaviour which tells him he can treat you badly and you'll put up with it. So he'll do it more often and with more anger and more insults.

Please stop this now. Don't waste any more of your time on someone who treats you like rubbish.

LessTime · 02/01/2022 09:07

You can analyse who is to blame and what is happening as much as you like but the main thing is that the relationship is not working. It sounds like you should end the relationship immediately

Good luck

thetinsoldier · 02/01/2022 09:20

Dump him, stop drinking, then do the Freedom Programme so you can spot danger signs on men dinner next time.

He sounds awful. Don't put up with it.

You can't change him.

NdujaWannaDance · 02/01/2022 09:26

I feel so utterly damaged. There's literally nothing I can say when he goes off on one at me, but won't tell me what I've actually done.

Last week he told you it was over permanently and he was packing up your stuff at his place to give it back to you.

Last week he said he was sick and tired of you being endlessly critical of him.

Last week you said you were bewildered by this constant accusation and you had no idea where it came from or what it is that you do/say that makes him so mad all the time.

And now you seem to be back on this toxic merry-go-round of accusations and blame all over again.

What happened in between? Did he come back, begging and promising to change, or did you? Either way, if neither of you can be what the other needs for more than three or four days without it deteriorating to this degree again, then it's really time to stop flogging this dead horse.

It's starting to sound like a very weird and dysfunctional codependency thing.

GrumpyLivesInMyHouseNow · 02/01/2022 09:38

You are not his saviour, you are not his carer. The only person that can resolve his mental health issues is HIM. Not you! If you both want this to work you need to let him go, let him get his mental health issues under control and only then should he come back to you and you try the relationship again

BluebellsareBlue · 02/01/2022 09:44

7 years I put up with this and got rid in December 2020. It would usually happen after a few drinks (he was a big drinker) and then the abuse would start. Eventually I began recording him secretly on my phone so when the following morning he would say I was crazy, he never said/did that, I would be able to play the recording to him as proof. He didn't like that much and usually refused to listen but it did help my mental health as I wasn't questioning or being a bit crazy and making these things up in my mind.

We had a house together so taking the step to get him out was scary and I knew I'd be financially struggling for a while but I did it!!

I now have a wonderful boyfriend who thinks the world of me and would never do anything to upset me. Get out of this OP before you waste 7 years on this man

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/01/2022 09:47

This relationship was truly over, or should have been over, the first time he abused you in any way. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Many abusive men cite "mental health issues" as a reason and or excuse to abuse their chosen target, in this case you. He can only maintain the act for so long then you see his true i.e. abusive nature. He does this to you because he can and he feel absolutely entitled to do so.

I would also think he behaves quite differently to and around all of those in the outside world; it is for you solely that this abuse is directed.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. Women should not act as some sort of rehab centre for badly raised men. You say you love him; I state that you're confusing love here with codependency. Read about codependency and see how much of this is reflected in your behaviour. What is your own relationship history like?. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

billy1966 · 02/01/2022 10:50

You desperately need to seek help for yourself for putting up with this.

Rabblemum · 02/01/2022 11:22

He will make random puzzles to twist your mind, you could be the perfect parnter and he would just set new traps and riddles for you never to solve. You will live in a place where nothing is true and he live in a tower of unhappiness caused by you. Leave now.

Starlightstarbright1 · 02/01/2022 11:26

@youvegottenminuteslynn

"I'm not apologising and this relationship isn't working. It's over, don't contact me again or come to my home. If you do then I will consider it harassment and report it to the police as such. I'll post you any belongings at my home, to your home address this week. My decision is final, so not contact me again."

And follow through.

This then block. Otherwise he will continue to gas light .

New year sweep out the trash

Starlightstarbright1 · 02/01/2022 11:31

Also to add.. you can have Mh problems without been abusive, do tge freedom program- my abusive ex had mh problems... i excused a ot on his mh, i didn't deserve to be treated the way i did.... neither do you.

MarshmallowSwede · 02/01/2022 11:33

Life is too short for this. You could have a nice peaceful Xmas this year. If my husband stormed out at Xmas then he would come back to changed locks and his bags in front waiting.

lechatnoir · 02/01/2022 11:45

@youvegottenminuteslynn

"I'm not apologising and this relationship isn't working. It's over, don't contact me again or come to my home. If you do then I will consider it harassment and report it to the police as such. I'll post you any belongings at my home, to your home address this week. My decision is final, so not contact me again."

And follow through.

This. With bells on. There is literally not one positive in your relationship so just thank your lucky stars you don't live together and move on.
booksandballet · 02/01/2022 11:55

@Starlightstarbright1

Also to add.. you can have Mh problems without been abusive, do tge freedom program- my abusive ex had mh problems... i excused a ot on his mh, i didn't deserve to be treated the way i did.... neither do you.
Exactly the same in my case too. My ex was diagnosed with a severe mental illness and I justified all his cruel behaviour on the basis that it was the illness talking. I kidded myself that if he got proper help things would be fine. But even if that were true (and it wasn't) you can't build a relationship on "if". If wishes were horses beggars would ride, as my grandma used to say. You have to make your choices based on what's actually happening and what he's like now, not on what hypothetically could happen if he was completely different.

Secondly, mental illness =/= abuse. It's just not an excuse. There is never an excuse.

It does sound as if you're very caught up in the drama of it all, and rather than making choices of your own, you're simply reacting to whatever he does. I was like that too. When I finally left it felt like there was a gaping void in my life, because for two years I'd organised myself around him and his cruelty and outbursts. I'd become isolated from all my friends. It's hard and scary rebuilding from scratch. But it's worth it. You need to trust yourself that you can create a better life than this.

CheekyHobson · 02/01/2022 17:06

Apparently I should just "know" and if I don't know - I'm wrong for not knowing

So, the reason abusive people will never give you a clear, comprehensible reason for what you've actually done wrong is that they can't, because there isn't one.

You haven't done anything wrong, you've said or done something that resulted in them feeling bad or particularly, feeling bad about themselves.

You might have reminded them to do the dishes because it's their night and they're not showing any signs of moving to do them. You might have mentioned that you like a particular movie that they hate because they were once told that they look like the 'nerd' character from the movie. You might have been having a conversation about a current issue and your perspective differed from theirs and your reasons why made more sense than theirs. You might not have responded to a very subtle overture for sex. Or they might have wanted you to make an overture for sex but you didn't. You might have been reading out interesting lines from a magazine article and although it was annoying them, they didn't ask you not to do it the first time you did it, so they sat there getting more and more annoyed each time but not feeling like they could say anything.

The reasons they feel bad are many and varied and hard to predict, but you will be expected to "just know" what you've "done" (or not done) because abusive people have trouble understanding that other people do not see the world exactly as they do.

When they try to put how they're feeling into words, they either can't, because they're very bad at identifying feelings, or if they say what they're thinking out loud, the unreasonableness of their blame towards you becomes quite obvious.

So they dance around it, say "If you don't know, I'm not going to tell you", tell you "You're just being annoying", "It's a bunch of things over the past few days" "You're having a go at me all the time" or whatever non-specific phrase allows them to vent the bad feelings onto you and make you feel obliquely responsible and start apologising, soothing them, fawning over them, doing what they demand, etc.

If someone has a pattern of getting mad at you but not giving a clear and comprehensive reason why (ideally along with a suggestion of what they would have liked to happen differently), then they are either abusive or have very significant emotional or mental problems. Either way, it's beyond your capacity to solve – they need professional help. The best thing you can do is leave the relationship, because if they do truly care for you, the upset of losing the relationship may be the trigger for them to seek professional help.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread