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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Gaslighting - please help me

90 replies

gravybones · 01/01/2022 21:12

DP has just stormed out for the 100th time this Christmas

We are both drunk. Both trying to just get on with things.

I turn around, he's storming out. him: "You're a nasty bitch."

Me: "what have I done??"

Him "what have I done?"

Me: "nothing! You're the one storming out! What have I done? Why am I a nasty bitch?"

Him: "I didn't do anything what did I do?"

I can't wrap my head around it. He always turns his accusations against me into pretending I've accuse him when I've done nothing of the sort! What the hell do I do?

OP posts:
TheSilveryTinsellyPussycat · 02/01/2022 01:17

...and again and again and again.

You won't change him. So change your reaction. As others have said, end it.

Simmy10 · 02/01/2022 01:19

Hi

I have been married for nearly 8 years. In all that time my father in law has always thought the worst of me. I dont know what i did to start making him think this way about me. I, naturally, have a loud voice and can come across as a bit abrupt at times but after 8 years i would have thought he should know me by now.

He always mentions how my sister in law (his daughter) is softly spoken, sensitive and very caring. A few times he has said you and my daughter are nothing alike.

If i become upset he says to my husband that she is always looking for excuses. Yet if my sil is upset he says its because she is sensitive.

If fil wants me to complete some paperwork for him and i say i dont have time during the week but can do on the weekend when husband is at home while he is looking after our little boy ( son is 4 years old). Fil says that if i wanted to help him i would and i always have an excuse to delay doing things. Also that my child doesn't need looking after and i need to fit my son around my plans not the other way round. Sil son is 9 years old. Once i said to hubby that cant fil ask sil to help. Hubby mentioned to his dad and got the reply she is busy looking after her son and doesnt have the time.

I feel as if its a different rule for me and a different rule for sil.

Hubby is always trying to please fil and i get pushed into having to rearrange my plans.

After 8 years i am fed up of it. Today i had to phone fil and apologise for not hearing the doorbell when he came to the house to pick up hubby as they had to go somewhere. Fil complained to hubby that i should have greeted him at the door. Hubby said maybe she didnt hear it or was busy with the little one. Fil said she always has an excuse ( and this is the first time i haven't met him at the door).

I feel that fil already has an opinion of me that will not change- no matter what i do. It upsets me and makes me feel angry as well. Hubby says "thats just the way it is' which makes me feel even worse as it suggests my feelings dont matter and i have to put up with it.

trippingmama · 02/01/2022 01:20

From
Experience he is never going to change. Like ever. I'm in a living hell with a person like this. Unfortunately we have a daughter and I can't leave as yet. But these manipulative ans gaslighting behaviour won't change.
Neither will he expect ans even after you'd give your best, you will be the bad one. Change the locks while you can. Let's not blame the booze

Simmy10 · 02/01/2022 01:22

Hi

So sorry. I thought i was creating a new post. Didnt mean to post my 'issue' on here!

StopStartStop · 02/01/2022 01:26

Just finish with him, feel sad for a while, then get over it and get on with your life. He sounds awful, and you'd be a fool to stay with him.

Chloemol · 02/01/2022 01:27

I simply don’t understand why anyone would put up with this if you have separate houses and are financially independent.

You say you love him, but why? If he continually does this what exactly do you get out of the relationship?

Time to get some self pride, and leave him, you deserve better, he is not going to change

Original poster
gravybones · 02/01/2022 01:48

@Chloemol

I simply don’t understand why anyone would put up with this if you have separate houses and are financially independent.

You say you love him, but why? If he continually does this what exactly do you get out of the relationship?

Time to get some self pride, and leave him, you deserve better, he is not going to change

We had a wonderful relationship marred by his mental health problems. He promised to get help - he did so for a while and it really helped. But he has relapsed and we are suffering the consequences
OP posts:
MadMadMadamMim · 02/01/2022 01:48

Send one of the messages that pp have suggested. This is utterly ridiculous. Why on earth would you take someone back who has stormed out for the 100th time over Christmas?

It's just exhausting. Stupid teenage drama. What on earth are you getting out of it? You recognise he is gaslighting you. Tell the dramatic idiot to fuck off for good. And block him.

I've got knickers more mature than him.

ProfessorSillyStuff · 02/01/2022 02:55

Has he got a key? While he's out, keep the key in the door so he can't get back in. When he comes and starts banging and shouting, if he refuses to leave, call the police. Get rid. Now.
You are so lucky he has no right to your home.

RachAnneKirl90 · 02/01/2022 03:23

Stop getting drunk for a start, and talk when you are sober.

Cait73 · 02/01/2022 05:45

"There's a long story of abusive behaviour"

GET

OUT

sweetbellyhigh · 02/01/2022 05:55

Be devastated, be shocked but remove yourself from this relationship and give up your attachment to drama. It really is that simple.

CKMc2b · 02/01/2022 06:24

Sounds terrible. Why isn't your husband standing up for you. And what obligation do you have to help your FIL with his paperwork? Your husband, his son is the one who should be helping him.

SmallElephant · 02/01/2022 06:37

I would not be able to live like this.

autieok · 02/01/2022 06:40

This sounds awful is it what you want? The 'you know ' comment sends shivers down my spine it reminds me of years of abuse I suffered.

HomeTheatreSystem · 02/01/2022 06:45

Whilst he may have mental health problems for which he needs help, be under no illusion that his behaviour will, over time, cause you so much damage and harm that you will end up completely broken and a mere shadow of your former self. The good bits of this relationship are not worth the cost to you.

NewBlueGoo · 02/01/2022 07:12

Please find some therapy for yourself. The way you are clinging on to this relationship when there are no practical obstacles to your leaving it suggests a level of masochism that is going to keep landing you in situations like this with abusive people.

Billybagpuss · 02/01/2022 07:28

He broke his promises within hours, he’s told you all you need to know.

daretodenim · 02/01/2022 07:59

OP take a break from asking "why is he saying/doing that" - you can come back to it later. In the meantime go and check out Dr Ramahi on YouTube.

m.youtube.com/results?sp=mAEA&search_query=dr+ramani+narcissism

The gaslighting behaviour is common with someone who is narcissistic, but also for other reasons. So just listen to some of her videos and see if there's anything familiar.

This is all focussed on him. But what about you? Are you in love with feeling disoriented? Do you truly realise that this feeling isn't part of a healthy relationship? Many people have MH difficulties and do not treat their "loved ones" like this. Having MH problems is not a free pass to this. It's unacceptable for any reason. You do not deserve to be treated like this.

Rabblemum · 02/01/2022 08:16

This is a toxic mix of gaslighting and booze. Think of the sad drunk shouting at random people or picking a stupid fight, that's what your boyfriend is doing in your own home.

Think about this man's sober behaviour too, it's probably abusive.

Also stop drinking...

Tulipsandviolets · 02/01/2022 08:33

Sound's a nightmare get out

Lex345 · 02/01/2022 08:44

It doesnt sound like you are keen to end this relationship OP and are wanting to "fix" it. Some problems can be fixed. This one is not a fixer upper, this behaviour will only get worse as your relationship progresses as he has more control. At the moment, you have control of your own home and finances and it is practically simple (if not emotionally) to end it. He will not change. This will happen again and again. This is not normal and is actually really quite bizarre and erratic behaviour.

Cut the cord. No more chances. You deserve better.

tableanadchairs · 02/01/2022 08:49

Lock the door and don’t open it to him again
Block his number and hie emails
Move on

Suzanne999 · 02/01/2022 08:56

“ Yes he has literally said I made him do it. I made him walk out, and I made him shout at me”

Not unusual for a man to say that when it progresses to physical violence either.
In some ways I think the alcohol makes his real personality come through. This is what he’s like & is what he will always be like.

Go to your own home.
Change the locks.
Text him that all his stuff will be sent to him / left outside the door ( your choice)
Then block him and don’t contact again.

This is a toxic relationship which won’t get any better. You will be dragged down and down with him if you continue to be involved in any way.

QueenJeanie · 02/01/2022 09:01

Get out while you can

Before you know it he'll persuade you to move in with him and you'll agree because you think that will "fix" things.

Then you'll be trapped.

This isn't love, it's dependency

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