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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Gaslighting - please help me

90 replies

gravybones · 01/01/2022 21:12

DP has just stormed out for the 100th time this Christmas

We are both drunk. Both trying to just get on with things.

I turn around, he's storming out. him: "You're a nasty bitch."

Me: "what have I done??"

Him "what have I done?"

Me: "nothing! You're the one storming out! What have I done? Why am I a nasty bitch?"

Him: "I didn't do anything what did I do?"

I can't wrap my head around it. He always turns his accusations against me into pretending I've accuse him when I've done nothing of the sort! What the hell do I do?

OP posts:
Original poster
gravybones · 01/01/2022 23:04

We each have our own houses and are financially independent.

He has never been physically abusive - always just verbally and emotionally

OP posts:
Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 01/01/2022 23:08

Fuck that...life is too short.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 01/01/2022 23:13

Fantastic you live separately and no finances. Lock the door, change the locks if he has a key and don't speak to him again directly. You'll feel so much better without some dickhead treating you this way!

youkiddingme · 01/01/2022 23:14

@gravybones

I don't know what to say when he demands I apologise but can't and won't tell me what I need to apologise for

Apparently I should just "know" and if I don't know - I'm wrong for not knowing

You say bye.
Original poster
gravybones · 01/01/2022 23:32

I feel so utterly damaged. There's literally nothing I can say when he goes off on one at me, but won't tell me what I've actually done.

It's so disorientating

OP posts:
Candied · 01/01/2022 23:37

@gravybones

I feel so utterly damaged. There's literally nothing I can say when he goes off on one at me, but won't tell me what I've actually done.

It's so disorientating

You need to end this relationship, it’s toxic but I think that you know that. Get yourself some sleep, get up tomorrow and stride forward. There should be no looking back for you, you deserve so much better. You do not have to put up with his behaviour and you have a choice in that, you either put up with it or forever doubt yourself. I know which one one I’d choose. Good luck OP.
madisonbridges · 01/01/2022 23:40

You're both drunk so the likelihood there is more to this story.
If the relationship is hurting you, end it. And stop drinking, you can't handle it.

Original poster
gravybones · 01/01/2022 23:44

Neither of us are drinkers - but we'd been out for New Year's Day and had too much.

Yes there's a long back story of abusive behaviour. We've been through a difficult Christmas and we talked today. He promised to get help, promised he'd never walk out again, and promised he'd never call me names again.

He broke those promises within hours. We are desperately unhappy and he's unable to cope, or control his reactions

OP posts:
Original poster
gravybones · 02/01/2022 00:18

He's just messaged, demanding I apologise but still won't tell me what I've done

OP posts:
ClaryFairchild · 02/01/2022 00:27

You say "I am so sorry I ended up with an abusive person in my life, and I will rectify that right now. It's over. Don't contact me again. I will leave your things in a box by the front door."

Blackbird2020 · 02/01/2022 00:34

He’s drowning and pulling you down with him. Staying in a relationship with him is not going to work, you know this, but it is hard to rip yourself free. You can and must remove yourself from his destructive orbit Flowers

youvegottenminuteslynn · 02/01/2022 00:37

"I'm not apologising and this relationship isn't working. It's over, don't contact me again or come to my home. If you do then I will consider it harassment and report it to the police as such. I'll post you any belongings at my home, to your home address this week. My decision is final, so not contact me again."

And follow through.

ToastieSnowy · 02/01/2022 00:39

He wanted a fight and used gaslighting to get one. That disorientation is you responding naturally to gaslighting, it’s designed to knock you off balance.

You won’t get him to say what you’ve done because you haven’t done anything. Throw this one back, he’s a twat.

His promises are just that empty words. Raise your bar higher. Flowers

ToastieSnowy · 02/01/2022 00:43

Here’s another more unsubtle reply you can use
“😂😂😂 Fuck off”

Juniper68 · 02/01/2022 00:47

What are you getting from this apart from drama?

Original poster
gravybones · 02/01/2022 00:50

He's finally told me that what I did was 'made comments'

This resulted in me 'making him leave' after he shouted and swore at me and called me a bitch.

He has no remorse. He's convinced it's all my fault.

OP posts:
Original poster
gravybones · 02/01/2022 00:51

@Juniper68

What are you getting from this apart from drama?
I love him and thought we could get through this
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idiotmagnet · 02/01/2022 00:55

This is classic "look what you made me do". He's projecting and gaslighting and trying to goad you into a response so that he can play the victim. Read up on narcissism and leave him. This is going nowhere good.

Juniper68 · 02/01/2022 00:58

gravybones what is it about him you love?

rocky1914 · 02/01/2022 01:02

LTB

Original poster
gravybones · 02/01/2022 01:07

@idiotmagnet

This is classic "look what you made me do". He's projecting and gaslighting and trying to goad you into a response so that he can play the victim. Read up on narcissism and leave him. This is going nowhere good.
Yes he has literally said I made him do it. I made him walk out, and I made him shout at me
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Original poster
gravybones · 02/01/2022 01:09

Then he says things like "you hate me don't you" trying to goad me into a response to justify his behaviour

And when I say his behaviour is his choice, and that it was his choice to leave but it's the last time - he tells me I'm finishing with him

OP posts:
ScrumptiousBears · 02/01/2022 01:12

You are in a good position with separate houses and finances. It can be a clean break. Leave him and every time you wibble and want to take him back read this thread.

Good luck

Original poster
gravybones · 02/01/2022 01:13

I'm devastated he has done this again

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CKMc2b · 02/01/2022 01:15

I agree with others. Get rid of him and give up the booze. I'm sure your life will improve 1000%