No friends?

[LCSFM]

I am a woman 28 yrs old and basically I have no friends. I have an acquaintance, someone I meet up with a couple of times a year just for the sake of having company but we have nothing in common and it always feels forced, they themselves have other friend groups and don't rely on me for company.

In school I was shy and quiet and bullied/picked on quite a bit. Sometimes I tagged onto tables at with lunch and sat with a couple of people but I had no friends. I've been to college and had a few jobs but still no real friends.

Social media can be upsetting seeing people post pictures/statuses with friends etc and highlights the loneliness but I feel I can't delete it because then I would have hardly any interaction.

It's not just the not going out and socialising, it's quite isolating not having anyone to text or have a chat on the phone with. The only person I speak to on the phone is my mum. I was close with my sister but she's now moved abroad.

I just don't understand why I haven't been able to make and keep friends. When I meet new people i.e. college or work I always try striking up conversations and make myself open to getting to know people. I think i'd be a pretty good friend, in the past I've always went above and beyond for people to try and build friendships, helping them out/listening to them and being supportive etc but people end up using me when they're bored and eventually I'm forgotten about when they're busy with their real friends.

A few years ago I tried to make friends with a work colleague, we were similar in age etc but it quickly became clear we were on different wavelengths and it was just being forced. I don't want to feel like I have to force myself to try and get on with someone when it's just not there. I want a true equal friendship, someone who wants to be my friend and I actually have some importance in their life.

I've tried googling things like how to make friends etc and it always says join a club for a hobby that you like etc but I don't really have any hobbies. I don't like sports or arts or anything, there are plenty of people who have friends without feeling like they need to be forced into an activity just to try and form some connection. That being said I did join my local book club as I like reading but everyone else in the group were women aged 60+ and as I'm in my late twenties I just felt out of place.

I feel like no one understands how lonely this can be sometimes. Surely there must be other people like me..

Oh, I just want to add... when I went to festis on my own, I had internalised various beliefs that I was unlikeable and unwelcome. These were completely false.

I did make loads of friends, but in retrospect the whole process might have been even quicker if I'd actually admitted to people, "I'm on my own and I'm a bit lonely." I was scared of frightening people off.

The thing is, at a festival, you're never stuck with anyone. If you're not having fun with them, you can just wander off to the loos or to get a drink and just not wander back again. Then float around and find another group.

COVID is fucking up festivals, obviously, but I hope things will pick up again...

I also wanted to add that I'm actively looking to change my interpretation of friendship. I've had a best friend for over 30 years who has been gradually been becoming less close over the last few years. I don't want to put myself in that position again so in future I'm looking for looser friendships.

Hi op. I've always made friends really easily and this is what I do.

Firstly, i really like people and am interested in them. When you first start a conversation, it is mundane stuff and then as the conversation progresses, you find really interesting stuff to talk about.

If you get on, then suggest they come round for coffee or a walk or something.

If you're in a situation where you struggle to meet new people then you'll have to do stuff and join stuff to meet them. A language class, a sport (badminton, netball, hockey, swim), a hobby (photography, pottery etc), an activists group (climate, animal etc) , religious, walking, hiking etc. Going somewhere where you see the same people regularly and you have stuff to talk about because of the activity takes a lot of pressure off and allows for people to get to know you. There will be group WhatsApps , get togethers etc.

@Ragwort

I think it takes a lot of effort to make new friends, I have moved several times and always get involved in everything going... even if I don't immediate think it's 'my thing', I always do volunteering so at least if I don't make 'friends'' (I usually do) I am doing something positive with my time. And I wouldn't dismiss people because of their age, what's wrong with having friends in their 60s? My DH finds it hard to make friends but he is so picky, it's almost as if he thinks people aren't 'good enough' for him ... he only seems to want to meet clones of himself . I have a huge range of friends, all ages, all political views (well, not extreme), all faiths .. I like getting to know different people.

@Ragwort nothing wrong with having friends in their 60s from my side but the women were not very welcoming and made it clear I wasn't part of the book group, some tutted at the comments I made on the books because "I don't get the real meaning as I don't have as much life experience", was quite uncomfortable. I'd be up for friends of any age if they were open to it aswell

@Badgerforbreakfast I am in Scotland! Whereabouts are you?

I haven't got a lot of friends after a big move. It is quite hard to make friends imo as you get older (I'm older than you). My close friends are too far away to see more than a couple of times a year.

Covid has made things even harder.

I have made a couple of friends, one through work and one on a course I'm doing - I think a PP is right, you just click with people.

No need for the harsh responses at all (but typically Mnet). What one person finds interesting is another person's boring.

Just be yourself OP, no need for anything else. If I were in your shoes I'd look for a couple of general interest things - book club, cinema club even if you have to travel a bit for the right club/age range.

That was one thing I learned to do, for instance, I drive 25 miles to do one activity where I could see it had a really active group of women, the alternative is within walking distance of my house but that group has a very different vibe and I probably wouldn't have persevered.

@PeggyGa @KeeG8181 I'm in Manchester too. Obvs like coffee and cake!

I can relate to this! Just last night I was telling my DH about this and he said "long as your true to yourself who cares?" And he's right.
I've masked my quirky personality and traits a lot over the years to fit in and was friends with people who shared zero of my interests, they'd gossip about others and gossip about me to others and make everything into a competition and it made utterly miserable.
I know you say you don't have interests but I'm sure you do. Just need to work out what

Hi op, have you thought of Women's Institute? Lots of local groups, and varied activities so you may well find something that interests you - a way of getting out and about even if you don't make lifelong friends! (Disclaimer I haven't tried it, but hear good things about it!)

I am in Scotland too OP can I PM you?

@BooksAndGin

I can relate to this! Just last night I was telling my DH about this and he said "long as your true to yourself who cares?" And he's right. I've masked my quirky personality and traits a lot over the years to fit in and was friends with people who shared zero of my interests, they'd gossip about others and gossip about me to others and make everything into a competition and it made utterly miserable. I know you say you don't have interests but I'm sure you do. Just need to work out what

I’m very much the same @BooksAndGin I’ve made friends through work but because of that, work is what we have in common and I don’t have any other shared interests with them. I’ve always downplayed my quirkiness too to fit in but it just means I’m never my true self and that’s wearing after a while. I’ve had do many people take advantage of my kindness too and that’s not happening anymore. I think your DH is right, stay true to yourself, I always will from now on, 2022 resolution 😊

I'm in Scotland. 41yo. If anyone wants to PM?

I have acquaintances. I thought they were friends then realised they didn't actually bother with me.

I'm disabled which also makes socialising hard.

Don't discount the 60+ women at the book club. Age is unimportant, shared interests and a similar outlook in life are what matters in a good friend. You already have a shared interest, why not build on that and chat to those in the group, then suggest meeting for a coffee with those you seem to get along with.

I had a very good friend who I met at work in my early 30s who was mid 60s. We got on great and I loved hearing her stories of her travels round the world with her foreign office husband. She was on one of the last planes out during the evacuation of Saigon!

You do need to be prepared to make the first move in suggesting meeting up though. It is worth it though and you would be surprised at how positively people react. When I started a new job a few months before the first lockdown I I got on really well with the woman who was leaving and handed over to me. We had talked about having a drink when she left but the first lockdown made that impossible. Just before Christmas I sent her a text suggesting meeting up. She responded straight away and we had a lovely lunch and have already made a date to meet up in a few weeks time.

Just take the initiative and make the first move if you get on with someone. They won't shoot you for asking! Also don't assume if someone is married with kids they won't want to make time for you. That is my situation and friends have always been important to me, both old friends and new ones.

@Tisaxon

Problem with your app,, then *@5thHelena*. I didn’t cross out anything.

I'm seeing the crossing out on the app too

I feel exactly the same, doesn't help that I've relocated so many times over the past few years. I'm 35 and in East Cheshire.

I'm 28 and also could have written this post myself. There are a few people from work that I spend time with occasionally but no one apart from that. I too enjoy reading and am often told its not a real interest. Op or anyone else on this thread that would like to connect feel free to message me.

@Catgirl92 what do you like to read?

I only have one couple that I meet up with every few months and a newish friend who sporadically meet up with. Tbh I have had my fingers burnt/busy/can’t be bothered but have recently started to think I would like a friend to go for a cuppa/lunch etc

I totally relate aswell. My mum is probably one of the few people I'm close to. I have realised I need better boundaries because I have been a doormat when it comes to all the friendships I've had. I wish so many didnt feel like this. It seems to be a common thing in our modern world aswell. Anyone that feels like reaching out or connecting my inbox is always open

It really is so much harder to make friends as an adult.

I have often wondered if it’s easier if you relocate because at least then it’s ‘I’ve moved, I know no one and I need to create a circle’ rather than ‘I’ve realised I’m lonely and haven’t had much success so far so now I need to find people’.

I’ve struggled my whole life though tbh.

@OnGoldenPond nothing wrong with having friends in their 60s from my side but the women were not very welcoming and made it clear I wasn't part of the book group, some tutted at the comments I made on the books because "I don't get the real meaning as I don't have as much life experience", was quite uncomfortable. I'd be up for friends of any age if they were open to it aswell

@Scottishnewbie2022

It really is so much harder to make friends as an adult.

I have often wondered if it’s easier if you relocate because at least then it’s ‘I’ve moved, I know no one and I need to create a circle’ rather than ‘I’ve realised I’m lonely and haven’t had much success so far so now I need to find people’.

I’ve struggled my whole life though tbh.

I’ve moved around a lot between countries, and I do think that practice means you are used to landing somewhere you know no one, and going about finding people you like — and the knowledge that you’ve done it before and met fabulous people that enriched your life is cheering.

Having said that, and despite being a socially confident person, experience has also taught me that, in some places, the kind of people you like and gel with enough to form friendships simply aren’t there. Through no one’s fault — just a bad match of person and environment. I’ve only really had this in one place where I lived for seven years, but it was an isolating time that makes me feel very sympathetic to anyone who’s struggling with friendships.

[quote Goldygold]@Catgirl92 what do you like to read?[/quote]
I read all different things. Quite often read crime thrillers, true stories, occasionally read romantic novels ect. It really depends on mood. What about yourself do you enjoy reading?

[quote LCSFM]@OnGoldenPond nothing wrong with having friends in their 60s from my side but the women were not very welcoming and made it clear I wasn't part of the book group, some tutted at the comments I made on the books because "I don't get the real meaning as I don't have as much life experience", was quite uncomfortable. I'd be up for friends of any age if they were open to it aswell[/quote]
Ah ok, that's a shame they sound very cliquey and unfriendly. Just keep trying with different groups of people, you will find some nice people on your wavelength. I have joined some writing classes and found these attracted a good cross section of people and they were always very friendly. Plus the course tutor was there to make sure everyone was included.

I ageee to the suggestion to try the WI, yes, you will probably be one of the youngest but hopefully you will meet a lively group of women who have lots of different interests, I am in the WI and it has been great when I move around the country because I can join the local WI and know I will find like minded women.