No friends?

[LCSFM]

I am a woman 28 yrs old and basically I have no friends. I have an acquaintance, someone I meet up with a couple of times a year just for the sake of having company but we have nothing in common and it always feels forced, they themselves have other friend groups and don't rely on me for company.

In school I was shy and quiet and bullied/picked on quite a bit. Sometimes I tagged onto tables at with lunch and sat with a couple of people but I had no friends. I've been to college and had a few jobs but still no real friends.

Social media can be upsetting seeing people post pictures/statuses with friends etc and highlights the loneliness but I feel I can't delete it because then I would have hardly any interaction.

It's not just the not going out and socialising, it's quite isolating not having anyone to text or have a chat on the phone with. The only person I speak to on the phone is my mum. I was close with my sister but she's now moved abroad.

I just don't understand why I haven't been able to make and keep friends. When I meet new people i.e. college or work I always try striking up conversations and make myself open to getting to know people. I think i'd be a pretty good friend, in the past I've always went above and beyond for people to try and build friendships, helping them out/listening to them and being supportive etc but people end up using me when they're bored and eventually I'm forgotten about when they're busy with their real friends.

A few years ago I tried to make friends with a work colleague, we were similar in age etc but it quickly became clear we were on different wavelengths and it was just being forced. I don't want to feel like I have to force myself to try and get on with someone when it's just not there. I want a true equal friendship, someone who wants to be my friend and I actually have some importance in their life.

I've tried googling things like how to make friends etc and it always says join a club for a hobby that you like etc but I don't really have any hobbies. I don't like sports or arts or anything, there are plenty of people who have friends without feeling like they need to be forced into an activity just to try and form some connection. That being said I did join my local book club as I like reading but everyone else in the group were women aged 60+ and as I'm in my late twenties I just felt out of place.

I feel like no one understands how lonely this can be sometimes. Surely there must be other people like me..

I'm 28 and feel the same OP, I'll join the club @Mollysocks!

My DH is my only friend and although I'm very lucky to have him, I've never had any actual friends and like you OP I spend a lot of time beating myself up looking at social media posts.

No advice as I'm clearly struggling with the same issue, but virtual hugs and if you do all start a club let me know 😂

Happy New Year all x 🎉❤️

I’m 29 and could have wrote this post myself. Feel free to reach out (or any else for that matter!)

I’m in the North East

Happy New Year everyone

I’m happy to connect too

I've gone through phases in my life where I've felt like this. I think it's an easy mistake to assume that a friend has to be someone you have tons in common with. It might feel difficult but do you think some of that is a result of the trauma of being bullied? I know, for me, that was the issue.

I'm 29 and could have written this myself. Have to say, it's nice to see we are not alone in being friendless.

I'm just wondering how we all find each other? 😂 Everyone I meet and try to become friends already has their tribe, so not a lot of interest in making new friends!

Where are you based, OP?

Would you be interested in amateur theatre groups or maybe a choir? Even if you don’t want to be onstage there’s all kinds of backstage stuff you could do and being in a show with people is such a unique bonding experience that it’s often very easy for onstage friendships to continue offstage too!

Interestingly, groups often attract people at either end of the scale - more exuberant and confident people and then the quieter and shyer people looking for an escape or something to bring them out of their shell.

It might be awkward at first, particularly if lots of people already know each other but if you can persevere then being in a show/play/choir instantly gives you something in common to discuss and talk about and it’s easy to ask people to meet for coffee before rehearsals or drinks after a show.

Why not make it your New Year’s Resolution? Give it a go!

I'm the same. I speak to my mum daily but it's not the same as having friends to go out with, laugh, cry and lean on- and I'm 40! I tried the frolo app but there were some shady characters on there too. Feel very very lonely

If anyone wants to connect let me know 🙂

I’m 39 and in a similar boat. I think as I’ve gotten older it has become more difficult to make friends. But it’s incredibly lonely.

I find it hard to meet friends. With mine I feel confident and gregarious but now I have moved and in the position of making new friends I find myself massively socially awkward and analyse everything I say. Plus feel snubbed and the slightest thing in groups, and this makes me try harder, which leads to me being more awkward!
I have been in thus situation before and am 44 . I know now that I have to persevere and after a year or so I have made some friends ans act more naturally. I wouldn't give up on groups, even if some people are 'shady' as after time I think you find your people. It's just a lot of effort, makes you confront things about yourself being out of your comfort zone. But like most things that take effort, it's usually more than worth it.

I’m In Manchester. If anyone wants tea and cake!

@PeggyGa im in Manchester too! what kind of cake?!

I'm mid 30s I've become good at making distant friends but I haven't got close friends. I've got people to meet up with for playdates. But when some thing goes wrong or I'd like a bit of support I feel I have no one to just pick up the phone to talk to (including family)

I don't really have the time to start a new hobby.
But if you've got time for it there is absolutely value in doing that. It takes the pressure off quicklymaking friends as you're also getting pleasure from the activity. That enjoyment can make your life better so that you're in a better headspace to make healthy friendships.

I’m in my 40s and I’m finding exactly the same. I’m from the North East of England and if anyone wants to connect for a coffee and cake just drop me a message
Happy New Year and new friends to all xx

OP it sounds like you have all the background characteristics of a good friend, but maybe you need to focus on how you connect? Are you fun to chat to? Do you have plenty to say, and a genuine interest in others? Do you actually let people into your life (invite them to stuff, suggest things to do) instead of waiting for them to invite you? This is key for me - I have plenty of friends but I don't have the charisma or sparkle to attract people effortlessly. I work at it, I don't fear rejection, and (importantly) I also have high standards and expect to be treated well. You also have to pick people who are well suited to you.

I relocated to a place where I didn’t know anyone. It was very hard to make new friends and 8 years later I still don’t feel part of the school mum group.

My early mistake was to be too friendly and I think this came across as being Try Too Hard and maybe a bit desperate. I have pulled back and am cordial with people at first and this seems to work - other people seem keener to make the effort.

I now have a dog which has been transformative. If you are time limited then look into dog walking for the elderly, I think there are some charities that organise this.

I think if you can't find anything you are interested in to join you will struggle to make friends. Making friends is absolutely a numbers game.
I moved country in middle age and - fuck me - its hard to make friends. Most people have established friendships and lives and don't need anyone new or have time for anyone new. Trying to find those minority who do, AND who you get on with - talk about needle in a haystack!
I have had to throw myself into so many different things to meet people. There are a LOT of false dawns with people where it looks like a friendship is forming and then fades away. And that hurts and you have to pick yourself up, plaster on a smile and go out and start again meeting new people. Its been years now and I have one person I think I would say now is a friend and one sort of friend, someone I like and meet up with, but we don't really click. I am aware these friendships could fade due to the changing life circumstances of those two people. This year I have two new groups I am going to join to try to meet more people.

You say you have interests so join a group based on that, it doesn't have to be a hobby, or start up your own meetup group based on one of your interests.

Your past experiences must be incredibly painful for you. I guess I worry that you will start to create a self-fulfilling narrative of yourself as the 'person who doesn't have friends'. So I suggest really, really getting out there. It is a numbers game.

If you like book clubs, start your own on meetup!

@Tisaxon apologies must be a glitch on my phone..

I think it takes a lot of effort to make new friends, I have moved several times and always get involved in everything going... even if I don't immediate think it's 'my thing', I always do volunteering so at least if I don't make 'friends'' (I usually do) I am doing something positive with my time.
And I wouldn't dismiss people because of their age, what's wrong with having friends in their 60s?

My DH finds it hard to make friends but he is so picky, it's almost as if he thinks people aren't 'good enough' for him ... he only seems to want to meet clones of himself . I have a huge range of friends, all ages, all political views (well, not extreme), all faiths .. I like getting to know different people.

I have met some really lovely friends on Bumble BFF so recommend that. A lot of people are in the same boat as you, you just have to keep looking til you find them and I'm sure you will.

I think it’s harder in general these days, lots of people are busy with two people having to work to support a household and lots of people don’t have childcare from grandparents like they used too in the olden days

Same here! I'm 35.
Thought I had a friend via work colleague. I got promoted & became her line manager.
As soon as I tasked her something she didn't want to do she completely flipped me being nice to her as unprofessional & put a grievance in against me.
It got dropped but it bloody hurt me.

This is someone who called me a 'true friend' historically when I was there for her through a tough time.

One of my friends has loads of friends and always out doing things. I've always found it difficult to make friends and think I'm socially awkward. The difference between me and my friend are as follows : she hides her feelings well when she doesn't really like someone. This means she comes across as friendly with everyone and lots of people consider her a friend. I on the other hand exclude people pretty quickly as a friend if they do something I don't like. I am pretty sure this comes across. I don't think there is a wrong or right on this though as some may say my friend is fake or I'm judgemental as well have faults.

My friends idea of friendship is different to mine. I'm seeking loyalty and genuine deep connection. That rarely happens and I'm constantly disappointed when I think I've found it but I haven't. My friend on the other hand doesn't really do close friendships. It's all quite surface level so no pressure for loyalty.

I think the point above about not being too keen to help as it attracts users is spot on. I've definitely done this in the past as I thought I'd you did someone a favour then they may return it to you or it would nurture a friendship. Definitley not been true and this is a lesson I've learnt the hard way. My friend doesn't do any of this.

I was in a similar situation in my late 40s. In my 50s, I started going to music festivals alone. It was scary at first, but I just put up my tent and hoped no one would point and stare. Some were better than others, but generally speaking festivals were a great place to just relax and meet all sorts of people. Everyone's sitting in a field, they're often curious about each other, and social barriers are relaxed once you've all been sleeping on the same ground and sharing toilets. There's also the fact that you can share experiences ("Did you see XXX this afternoon" etc).

Do NOT repeat NOT go to one of the big commercial festivals like V Festival or Reading & Leeds, full of pissed-up chavs nicking things from tents. You want a smaller festival where people look out for each other and there are places where you can play around doing daft stuff all day, "healing areas" where you can go to find a quiet spot, etc. Also nothing too family oriented, or it will just be like walking round M&S. And don't bother with a festival where people can just travel in by bus and go home at the end of the night, because it won't develop any community spirit. Find a smaller festival somewhere in beautiful countryside, with music you enjoy.

This is how I made a whole new set of friends, and even met my now DH!

If you're too scared to go alone, see if you can find someone to go with. It's easy to go off and do your own thing at a festival, so it's not quite like agreeing to go on holiday with someone you don't know well enough.