30 year marriage on the rocks

[Idonthearawordtheyresaying]

I can't believe I'm writing this. All I did was take a photo with DHs phone and go to whatsapp it to myself. There above me in the chat was a woman I had asked him to stop communicating with. I challenged him and got excuses. My favourite being 'she was messaging me, I was just replying'. I have been uncomfortable with their friendship for years, then my gut instinct kicked in last year that more was going on. He was her support through a tough mental health period in her life. I'm struggling with menopause, fatigue and mental health. He never asks me how I am, he has watched me slowly disappear into myself and gave me nothing. I feel like shit. I honestly don't know what to do next. He is denying it but I just know. I don't think it's a sexual affair tho I am now questioning his very long cycle rides. He offered to show me his laptop (emails) but never offered me his phone to look at texts and fear of what I might see stopped me from asking. I saw her whatsapp messages and what is obvious about them is that they are parts of conversations. He tried to tell me she was just sharing random information when I challenged him last year. This time he has told me he has found my menopause difficult when we talked around our marriage and he gave me a list of my faults - all health related. He pretty much shut me down with 'you know I find it difficult to talk'.
I'm working mainly on gut instinct here and I'm not even sure what I want to hear from you guys. I don't know what to do. Except cry and occasionally be physically sick. I trusted him 100%, convincing myself I was paranoid. Now I go over things I just accepted and feel like I've been lied to.

I'm ok @TheStirrer Thank you. We are still talking so that's a positive. I did some house hunting, seeing what's on the rental market and trying to imagine my new life without him as suggested on here. Honestly, I didn't hate the idea but I prefer to work on fixing what we have. I've realised that we've recreated his parents marriage and he's going to hate that conversation! Sleeping isn't something I do much of any more and I need to decide what I want to happen when he comes back because although I haven't slept, I haven't missed him which is a worry too. It's not that I'm angry with him, I just prefer my own company and that makes me wonder if I'm holding on to a habit. So although we want to fix this, I think we need to explore why first. We will either get our marriage back on track or have salvaged friendship out of the mess.

Sounds like you are holding on to a habit. If you stay with him you are bound to regret it when you're older.

@SunflowerTed yes we do. I feel like he still isn't admitting to the whole truth because he's still denying it to himself. It's pretty textbook really. Complete denial then we're "just good friends" then "well now you're saying it like that, I can see how the relationship is inappropriate". I don't think it's a sexual relationship but I'm certain I haven't yet heard the full truth and until that happens, we won't be able to move forward together.
I heard on the radio yesterday that, annually yesterday was the busiest day of the year for divorce lawyers and I just thought ffs, I'm a cliche, a grey statistic. I nearly made that appointment for this week.

@Bowwowwowoh brilliant cross post!!

@Idonthearawordtheyresaying. I am glad that you are ok and at the time to consider what you want and that you aren’t rushing into things.

Dear Op,

I have just read your whole post - my heart goes out to you.

Several things stand out to me;

You have had to point out how inappropriate his behaviour is - this won’t change. Do you want to spend the rest of your life being the wise one, the guide, the one that keeps him on the straight and narrow?

As you both age, imagine a scenario where you fall sick and he has to make decisions on your behalf - would you trust him to do that wisely?

I don’t think it is possible to have a healthy relationship with an emotionally immature man and you will not be able to change this. This is how he is - it is highly unlikely he will be able to work on himself and change.

I left my very long marriage nearly a year ago. We hit the rocks around issues of his infidelity. It became impossible to work through as he wanted me to swallow his story and it was full of holes. We couldn’t move forward and the initial wound caused by his actions just got bigger and bigger.

It took 6 torturous months for me to do that though and we still have much to sort out regarding finances.

As for life on the other side......for me the process has not been linear.
I honestly have hardly missed him as an individual, as a presence in the house. However l have suffered immense loneliness at times and l do miss certain things about having a partner. Some friends have not been great and that has hurt. I have had to construct a whole new life and that is ongoing. Sometimes l have little energy and then it’s hard to put yourself out there.

What is positive is that when l am feeling ok, l really feel great, much happier and more joyful than l have ever felt.

I have learnt so much in the last year about unhealthy relationships - l feel l was so naive, trusting and vulnerable before everything went pear shaped. Now l feel l have matured and now see the world with wiser eyes.

What l am trying to say is that if you leave, your life will change but over time you will adapt and accept and move forward. It won’t feel easy but life never is whatever you are doing, whoever you are with.

But l can guarantee you will grow into yourself and experience a deeper joy in life than if you are stuck in a toxic dynamic where you give the best of yourself to another person who cannot reciprocate.

Take care xx

It took a while for my DH to see how his virtual EA was so damaging. I confronted OW who was an ex from 30+ yrs ago, asking her to politely get lost. But she insisted it was innocent reconnection of two old friends and he initially followed her lead. I then had to woman explain how women’s minds work and that she was controlling and manipulating him. It took a while for the Penny to drop but it did and he apologised and accepted responsibility. At no point did he blame me. We talked a lot and realised that the year leading up to 2020 had played a part, both of us had neglected our relationship but ironically it was all about making more time for us.
We are now back on track, OW has lurked from time to time but despite all her efforts DH no longer bites. She obviously has been going through her own relationship problems but that is none of my business.
I chose to stay because OW was an ex and an ex for a reason. I was open about giving DH the option to leave if he wanted to pursue a relationship. He’s still here and we are back on track. It’s strange that I trust him with any other woman but would not trust him with ow, perhaps because he had a past with her.