30 year marriage on the rocks

[Idonthearawordtheyresaying]

I can't believe I'm writing this. All I did was take a photo with DHs phone and go to whatsapp it to myself. There above me in the chat was a woman I had asked him to stop communicating with. I challenged him and got excuses. My favourite being 'she was messaging me, I was just replying'. I have been uncomfortable with their friendship for years, then my gut instinct kicked in last year that more was going on. He was her support through a tough mental health period in her life. I'm struggling with menopause, fatigue and mental health. He never asks me how I am, he has watched me slowly disappear into myself and gave me nothing. I feel like shit. I honestly don't know what to do next. He is denying it but I just know. I don't think it's a sexual affair tho I am now questioning his very long cycle rides. He offered to show me his laptop (emails) but never offered me his phone to look at texts and fear of what I might see stopped me from asking. I saw her whatsapp messages and what is obvious about them is that they are parts of conversations. He tried to tell me she was just sharing random information when I challenged him last year. This time he has told me he has found my menopause difficult when we talked around our marriage and he gave me a list of my faults - all health related. He pretty much shut me down with 'you know I find it difficult to talk'.
I'm working mainly on gut instinct here and I'm not even sure what I want to hear from you guys. I don't know what to do. Except cry and occasionally be physically sick. I trusted him 100%, convincing myself I was paranoid. Now I go over things I just accepted and feel like I've been lied to.

I wanted to each out and let you know you aren't on your own with your experience of menopause. The way you describe disappearing within yourself, I can very much relate. Although I have got through the worst of mine in 2020 I'm not the same person I was.

Re your husband, you deserve better, you really do. The fact he can list faults within you shows he isn't really doing the work he should be about his issues.

I think @MMmomDD advice is sound here.

God OP my own marriage broke up during the menopause because it messed me up so much my ex couldn't cope with it (didn't make any effort tbh) and he started going to fetish clubs all of a sudden. Things escalated and he left.
I wish I had just done nothing until the worst of my symptoms were under control but I acted like a lunatic.
Now I am under control on hrt I wish I had just sat it out and ignored it all.
You don't HAVE to leave or instigate a divorce. Long marriages do go through rocky patches and the menopause is one of our biggest tests inife.
You can just leave it be and sit it out. Get some help for your symptoms. Ride it out.
I wish I'd done that and I'd still be married now.

You sound so alone. I don’t know how you can find out the truth but he is investing time and energy into this OW. I don’t believe in emotional affairs it’s splitting hairs to me and I don’t buy that adults will not be intimate. I’m sorry you are going through this incredibly painful situation but I doubt you will get the truth from your DH.

Divorced 6months ago after 31 years. Not for these reasons though but very difficult to make the decision
First, as people say don’t rush, take your time to get your head around the issues and decide if you want to try to sort out the problems or leave
Second, talk to someone about how you are feeling and that thought process. Really someone who has divorced themselves and maybe a bit removed form your immediate family. You can make it clear that you haven’t made the final decision , just want to use them as a sounding board and if you decide to stay they are never to discuss it with anyone. Talking through it with someone else relay helped me clarify my position
ThirdLy, get your head around the financial position you would be in. Not so much the actual money , but how assets will be divided. B figure out what lifestyle you would then be able to have e.g. size of house, buying or renting, you are going to have to accept you will worse off…you both will be worse off …but it can be “fair” if you accept that you will have to compromise
Fourthly, start to envisage that life …where will you live, how will you live in terms of routine, social life, hobbies, make it clear in your mind what the new life will actually involve. That starts to take the “fear” of leaving away - fear is the unknown so once you can begin to see what the future will be like you are in a much better position to way up the pros and cons of staying vs leaving and make that final decision. In effect try out that new lifestyle in your head a while before you make a decision.
I then found the actual telling and process of divorce very simple and quick and pretty amicable. I didn’t focus on what had happened, just how to get to the end point of being separated and divorced as quickly and painlessly as possible. I had removed the anxiety and stress re my financial circumstances and what my future would be like as already knew what outcome was realistic and had got used to that .
You have stayed in your marriage for a long time for a reason, it is natural that you don’t want to walk away from that and are fearful of the future. It isn’t easy being on your own. Take your time to work through the steps that get you beyond your current pain, to the point where you can see what being on your own would be like - the end point if you decide to leave. The decision is then much easier to make and almost certainly a better one.
If you then decide you want to give your marriage another go, then get counselling for yourself first. If you still decide to stay then do couples counselling.
Good luck

Oh, in terms of telling our adult children and close family….we agreed between us what message we would say, and made it about us mutually agreeing we no longer wanted to live togther. No further detials needed. Don’t burden your offspring with the gory details
They were shocked. But perhaps not completely surprised given that they knew us
6months on they’re fine, my ex and I still talk on phone regarding kids stuff and continue to support them togther e.g. my ex and I have just agreed a loan between us for my DS to help him out. DS didn’t ask for it but needed our help really and I knew ex would be supportive to help as well.

I am 3 yrs into a new relationship after divorcing my husband of 30yrs.

I'm 50, life can go on

Why stay with a cheat and a lier

If he finds it so difficult to talk why is he supporting another person, surely that would do more harm than good

I’d be interested to see if he has Strava? That would show his cycle rides

[quote Idonthearawordtheyresaying]@IamGusFring 30 years is a long time. I thought it was forever. I also thought he would never hurt me.
@MMmomDD I am on hrt, have been for a while. I have done my best to get back on track. I think that's part of the reason I'm suddenly aware of whats going on. My husbands relationship with this other woman has been more than occasional messages, they have worked closely together. Before hrt, I dismissed my feelings as meno madness - he's been a great husband, emotionally unavailable but I worked round that as best I could until I had to concentrate on myself. The fact he has been emotionally available for this woman has destroyed me. Especially through a time when I really needed him. Your final paragraph is spot on, thank you.[/quote]
Yes 30 years is a long time but people change over the years and the length of time is no reason to put up with crap. We all thought it was forever . I've been there where you are and felt the embarrassment , disbelief , shame and fear but am now happily remarried to a wonderful man . In many ways I regret spending those years of my life with an emotionally unavailable man. Find out more about this . Word of warning- their first instinct is often to panic and beg to stay- mine did and then he left a few years later . I know how miserable it is and the thoughts that go on in your head , believe me - you will get through this and come out stronger for it .

@caringcarer and @onthedunes
Thank you both. Again, very helpful. I actually slept better last night and the churning feeling stopped for a while at least. He's away today and sent me a message that says how he's feeling much better in himself. Presumably after our talk, he feels off the hook. One of the things we talked about last week was for him to show interest in me. I read the message and just thought "as long as you're ok". Now because I know he supported someone else, it just feels like selfishness. I tackled him about this woman and he's turned into all about him putting up with me and I know I haven't been myself but I do try my best. So back to my stomach churning this morning.

@IamGusFring thank you. Yes, the fear is crippling me. One of the things I've learned from this thread is that I don't need to move fast now, I have time. I think I was also feeling under pressure to make decisions now. That's definitely helped.

Sorry, loads of replies just appeared on my phone. I'm not ignoring anyone, going to read now. Thank you all very much.

Again thank you all. Everything is very valid and helpful. There's a lot to think about. I had convinced myself everything was my imagination, that my marriage was fine - just a rocky patch. My menopause messing with my mind, I didn't want to wreck my marriage because of hormones. I'm sure that this intuition, that has been trying to get my attention for years - isn't menopause. It's been a long time coming. I have a friend I confided in last year that I thought he was having an affair. She's on standby again! I just need to be able to talk, not spend the entire time crying!

Strength to you Op.

What you do know - you've had suspicions about his r'ship with this woman for a long time. He had assured you they were no longer in touch. You now know that a) he lied about that, and b) their contacts are cosy and intimate. You also know that he wanted to support, and had the strength to support her, through MH problems, but when you his wife has a tough menopause he doesn't want to support you.

You deserve better. I know it's very easy to say, especially when you've been together 30 years. But if you aren't totally happy with him, if you don't trust him completely, if you don't feel like you are his main priority - then staying together just because you've been together a long time isn't the logical thing to do.

They don't hand out awards for long service. We should all aspire to happy, mutually respectful relationships - not long ones at any cost.

I hope you're doing ok tonight op

@onthedunes thank you for thinking of me. Honestly, no I'm not. But I feel less alone now. I've been awake most of the night trying to figure stuff out. Past, present and future stuff.

. Sending you a big hug. It is such a horrible situation to be in.
I am in a similar situation albeit that my husband has now stopped messaging his colleague. I just don’t feel the same about him anymore (30 years together!) so I have decided to go to individual counselling to work out what I want to do.

@TheStirrer it's a horrible place to be. I am sorry. I've just started taking a bit more control of my future and it's made me feel less passive. Which I'm realising I have been. 30 years is a long, long time. I cannot imagine life alone. I need to explore if I'm able to get past this. Well, I have to but how I'm going to I guess is what I mean. Right now, I have asked him if he wants our marriage to continue. Be pointless me trying to decide if I want to move forward then discovering he doesn't and he needed to know exactly where I am. for you and support.

I'm guessing my sudden urge to move to Orkney is hormonal

Funnily enough I dream of a cottage in the Peak district with just me and a dog. Think it is hormonal. Like you I have have been going through menopause and am now on hrt. I am planning on a weekend at the seasaide by myself to just have some space to think about what I need and want with my life.
My husband says he still wants our marriage to continue but I just see him so differently. I have lost the innocence of just being able to trust him and wonder if I can live like thus.

OP have you asked him if you can read the full message thread? If so what was his response?

Have you asked for an explanation as to why parts of the conversation have been deleted?

Would be interesting to hear his explanation

@Idonthearawordtheyresaying

Again thank you all. Everything is very valid and helpful. There's a lot to think about. I had convinced myself everything was my imagination, that my marriage was fine - just a rocky patch. My menopause messing with my mind, I didn't want to wreck my marriage because of hormones. I'm sure that this intuition, that has been trying to get my attention for years - isn't menopause. It's been a long time coming. I have a friend I confided in last year that I thought he was having an affair. She's on standby again! I just need to be able to talk, not spend the entire time crying!

You didn't wreck your marriage . You were coping with something and the least your husband should have done is support you . He's turning it all on you " I did this because YOU ......." This is actually very normal in cheating men - they have to justify themselves and usually that involves them rewriting history , blaming you and well that's OK then in their minds. What did he say about wanting your marriage to continue ?

He's away today and sent me a message that says how he's feeling much better in himself What a prick !

@Crotiq they weren't deleted, sorry. I wasn't clear. They were (I think) continuations of text messages, using whatsapp when there was no phone signal.
@IamGusFring you just made me laugh! I've just had a massive conversation with him. We're at the apology and I didn't realise at the time stage. He wants to stay married. He loves me. Apparently it's only because I have pointed out how the relationship crossed boundaries to him, he sees the problem. I think he genuinely believes that but that actually that makes no difference to me and how I feel. I have made everything clear to him. We are thinking over what we both want next. Sadly, I was very aware that our conversation slipped quickly into talking about him and his feelings and I had to keep redirecting the conversation to how he made me feel etc. I don't think he has the capacity to give me what I need now. Or maybe ever. I think I want us to continue talking though. I have time. I'm also being practical and have started to look at implications and things I need to sort. Just so that I can feel secure in my decision making. I don't want fear influencing my decisions if that makes sense.

Hi Op just want to wish you good luck going forward