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Original poster

Am I unreasonable?

73 replies

Tiff9564 · 30/12/2021 12:36

Before I begin I want to confirm I’m not materialistic or expect a lavish lifestyle.
I have been dating a man for 8 months, we have progressed well and met each other’s children and parents over Christmas.
However I have a small issue that is nagging away at me. He has never put his hand in his pocket and made the effort to pay for anything like drinks and a take away, a small gift, nothing.
We had an argument roughly 2/3 months ago and he said he was going to buy me flowers to apologise but didn’t want to break into a £20 note, but the thought was there. It stung a bit like he was rubbing it in my face I could have had flowers but wasn’t worth the coins.
There have since been 2 occasions where he told me he is buying me something special for my birthday and for Christmas (6 days between each) and bigged it up as being amazing, so naturally I was excited to think my man was spoiling me on an important milestone birthday. I have seen him twice since this statement and neither time has he gifted me anything. I gave him and his family Christmas presents, which were appreciated, but I am hurt it wasn’t reciprocated after claiming he was going to buy me lovely things.
I do not care for presents or money in the slightest, to me it would signify he made the effort to find something thoughtful for me, even if it was from the poundshop I would not care because he still spent some of his time and money on me.
I feel like I am covering the costs for take aways etc as I offer and he doesn’t argue. I don’t believe he is using me for money, as he knows I struggle financially, but he shouldn’t promise things he can’t do. Is this something I should just let go or should I raise the subject with him?
I have considered when his birthday comes (in 5 weeks) that I will tell him we shouldn’t buy each other gifts moving forward as it’s hurtful to get someone’s hopes up. Any advice please?

OP posts:
Original poster
Tiff9564 · 30/12/2021 12:38

To add, initially when he spoke about a birthday gift I said not to worry as he said it before and couldn’t afford to. He insisted he would find something special, so it isn’t because I gave the impression I didn’t want anything.

OP posts:
RosieLemonadeAndSugar · 30/12/2021 12:39

No he IS using you for money. He doesn't buy any meals/drinks/takeaways when you do things together.

He didn't buy you even a token gift for Christmas, and he 'didn't want to break a note' for flowers.

Just get rid now. It's only been 8 months. This will only get worse. It's meant to be the honeymoon period.

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/12/2021 12:40

I don’t believe he is using me for money

Um, of course he is.

as he knows I struggle financially

That makes him more of a dick.

Why are you saying gifts and generosity don’t matter? Of course they do.

He’s using you. Badly. He’s taking the piss and you’re so worried about being seen as above material things you’re going along with it.

You’re taking money from your children, who only have you to rely on, and spending it on this man and his family.

Why?!

RosieLemonadeAndSugar · 30/12/2021 12:41

This is absolutely not the way to treat someone in the early days of a relationship. If this is the standard you except from him now it's only going to get worse

BIWI · 30/12/2021 12:41

YANBU. This man is mean and could potentially turn into a cocklodger if you end up moving in together!

There's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting/expecting a gift on your birthday or at Christmas, and I can't believe he didn't buy you anything.

Get rid of him.

FFSFFSFFS · 30/12/2021 12:41

I’m intrigued by what terrible thing he would
Have to suffer if he used a £20 note?????? Would he possibly have to suffer the terrible burden of carrying around some change??

If he’s letting you carry the cost of take aways etc I think that’s pretty ugly. Comparability about these things is important long term.

EKGEMS · 30/12/2021 12:42

Oh FFS another woman who doesn't realize her worth and is being taken advantage of. He's lied and made empty promises to you and you're just accepting it! Tell him what you've told us and ask him why he's a cheapskate!

CovidForChristmas · 30/12/2021 12:45

YANBU, he isn’t going to change!

Haus1234 · 30/12/2021 12:45

It’s completely normal and not in any way greedy and materialistic to expect a present from your partner on your birthday unless you’ve agreed otherwise. Your partner is a dick.

cheeseismydownfall · 30/12/2021 13:12

Good god. He is appalling.

Being tight is one thing. The kind of person who insists on splitting the bill with their partner based on who ate what. Who keeps meticulous track of spending to ensure it is 'fair'. Personally I would find this very unattractive, but it might be explainable for someone who has had a bad experience in their past - growing up in poverty, or being exploited by an ex.

But this guy isn't 'just' tight OP. He is absolutely abusing your generosity in an inexcusable way. Get rid of him ASAP.

Nosnowthisyear · 30/12/2021 13:14

What?! That’s awful. Absolutely nothing for your birthday or Christmas and you pay for everything? Tell him where to get off.

MarmaladeCloud · 30/12/2021 13:16

Why have you been putting up with him not paying his fare share or takeaways etc?

SmallElephant · 30/12/2021 13:18

What happens when you go out for a drink / meal or get a takeaway? Do you always pay??

LeifSan · 30/12/2021 13:21

Erm, i’m pretty sure that him sitting there and letting you put your hand in your pocket for things like takeaways and not reciprocating IS using you for money. Or at the least taking advantage, especially if he knows you’re hard up.

I can’t believe you didn’t dump him for the flower issue alone, that was really mean of him to do that!

Georgeskitchen · 30/12/2021 13:21

He's a tight arse get rid

TheresAStarmanWaitingInTheSky · 30/12/2021 13:22

Sorry but this very bad. He won't even break a £20 note? Awful. A family member has always been like this, so tight, won't even buy anyone a drink. His wife has become like this as well. Such an unattractive quality. Needless to say we don't see them very often.

SmallElephant · 30/12/2021 13:24

When you cook for him does he either reciprocate by cooking for you an equal amount or pay for his share of the groceries?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/12/2021 13:25

Why have you been putting up with this to date from him?. He has absolutely been abusing your hospitality and in turn taking your money from your kids. You have not been able to say anything perhaps also out of fear of his reaction.

He needs to be dumped today by text. Demand better for your own self going forward and raise your relationship bar a lot higher than it has been till now. Know your worth here; you deserve and need far better from a relationship.

Sally2791 · 30/12/2021 13:25

Absolutely get rid. He is using and exploiting you. How can you find that attractive?

XmasElf10 · 30/12/2021 13:27

He is mean and using you. Stop being a doormat and putting up with this shit

bembridge11 · 30/12/2021 13:33

Oh my goodness. Why are you dating such a loser tight wad????
Get rid of him right now!!!!!!
Horrific that he doesnt even buy you a birthday or christmas gift!!!!!!

FallonCarringtonWannabe · 30/12/2021 13:35

Ask him where your birthday and where your Christmas presents are?

Then dump Him.

He is stealing money from your children.

Almostthere1 · 30/12/2021 13:41

‘EKGEMS
Oh FFS another woman who doesn't realize her worth and is being taken advantage of’

THIS! since when has it become a bad trait to expect to be cherished and treated with respect, attention, and generosity? This should be a starting point, a given. Since when broken promises are not red flags?
We get what we tolerate.
OP - please dump him immediately and stop wasting your time, money & emotions on this low value man.

RustySprings · 30/12/2021 13:43

Someone once said to me - "Don't listen to what people say - look at what they do". He makes empty promises about birthday and Christmas presents and flowers but doesn't deliver. He lets you pay for takeaways, drinks and goodness knows what else without showing any inclination to reciprocate. This is who he is. I doubt he will change.

MysteriesOfTheOrganism · 30/12/2021 13:48

He's a cheapskate! Find yourself someone better.