Am I unreasonable?

[Tiff9564]

Before I begin I want to confirm I’m not materialistic or expect a lavish lifestyle.
I have been dating a man for 8 months, we have progressed well and met each other’s children and parents over Christmas.
However I have a small issue that is nagging away at me. He has never put his hand in his pocket and made the effort to pay for anything like drinks and a take away, a small gift, nothing.
We had an argument roughly 2/3 months ago and he said he was going to buy me flowers to apologise but didn’t want to break into a £20 note, but the thought was there. It stung a bit like he was rubbing it in my face I could have had flowers but wasn’t worth the coins.
There have since been 2 occasions where he told me he is buying me something special for my birthday and for Christmas (6 days between each) and bigged it up as being amazing, so naturally I was excited to think my man was spoiling me on an important milestone birthday. I have seen him twice since this statement and neither time has he gifted me anything. I gave him and his family Christmas presents, which were appreciated, but I am hurt it wasn’t reciprocated after claiming he was going to buy me lovely things.
I do not care for presents or money in the slightest, to me it would signify he made the effort to find something thoughtful for me, even if it was from the poundshop I would not care because he still spent some of his time and money on me.
I feel like I am covering the costs for take aways etc as I offer and he doesn’t argue. I don’t believe he is using me for money, as he knows I struggle financially, but he shouldn’t promise things he can’t do. Is this something I should just let go or should I raise the subject with him?
I have considered when his birthday comes (in 5 weeks) that I will tell him we shouldn’t buy each other gifts moving forward as it’s hurtful to get someone’s hopes up. Any advice please?

There's no point discussing this with him - he's someone who is naturally happy to take take take and not return the favour. That's who he fundamentally is. Someone you have to teach to be an equal partner, to be kind, to be thoughtful... isn't someone you should want to be with.

So I presume he offers to cook at his..

He had the bare faced cheek to be perfectly happy for you to buy him and his family gifts, and hasn't bought you anything ?

Seriously ?

He knows you 'struggle financially', and he's quite happy for you to pay for EVERYTHING ??

Good grief, wake up and DUMP this tosser !

You are being financially abused and your children are having to do without the things you could have bought for them, just so this tosser never has to spend a single penny and you actually cook for him and have sex thrown in too !

You are worth SO much more.

He is a user, get rid of this parasite ASAP. Please work on your self esteem you are worth more than this loser!!!

@whistleryukon

The more of these threads I read, the more I despair of women's rights and how far we are assumed to have come. I think the trajectory has been tampered with.

The modern day woman is expected to bear children, usually carry the burden of responsibility for the children, face the stigma of being a single parent if it doesn't work out. They are expected to work as hard and as many hours as men (whilst also caring for said children and also in fact having to work harder to prove they are as good as the men), always look good, be kind and positive, and fucking subsidise the men on top of all this. And still be subservient beings. I wish I was a fucking man getting everything paid for and doing as little as possible in every way and yet still have the audacity to act like the bloody prize.

(NB - not all men etc 🙄)

👏👏👏👏👏👏👏

He is taking food from your children's mouths. LTB.

Personally I'd get rid .. he's using you.
If you want one last roll of the dice, the next time he's due over tell him to bring something to contribute: suggest wine, flowers, chocolates, a starter or dessert
His response to this will tell you where this is going
Good luck .. I think you may need it.
You're being taken for granted and You're worth more than that

I can't believe what I am reading.

Of course he is using you.

He is taking money from a single mother and using her and her home.

He is one of life's losers.

OP,
You really shouldn't be innany relationship at all because your relationship bar is so unbelievably low.

You are paying for a boyfriend.

He eats and stays free at your home.

What on earth has happened to have brought you to a place where you would think so little of yourself?

He is a 100% loser and a user.

Please help yourself.
Please protect yourself.

This is not normal behaviour to accept.

Would you want your children used like this by a partner?

If not, buck up.

You deserve so much better.

He is taking money from your children.

“Break into a twenty “

A) tight
B) credit card

Break into a £20?

Where has just arrived from the 70's?

Mean-ness with money generaly translates to a mean-ness of character as well.

You need to get your head around this and gently - or not so gently - give him his marching orders.

There is nothing more fanjo-clampingly unattractive than a cock-lodging miser. Except maybe a cock-lodging miser who future fakes gifts.

Honestly OP, wake up and smell the (cheap and nasty) coffee and get rid of this parasite!

Wow. This man is a real catch isn't he

If you feel yourself wavering OP I would be tempted to spend a couple of hours going through your bank statements and add up what he's cost you in these 8 months. Money that could have been spent on your kids.

@Ohmycron

“Break into a twenty “

A) tight
B) credit card

If you need a credit card to buy flowers you can't afford to buy flowers.

If you raise this with him, then I can guarantee that he will say he didn't realise (he absolutely does though)

He may change for a week or so, but then will be back to his old tightwad ways.

Honestly, the gift thing would bother me less than the other stuff (never paying for takeaways or groceries, never offering to cook for you). Yes it's lovely to receive a special present, but it's the day to day support and partnership that is the really important part. He's literally taking money that you could have spent on yourself and your kids

Of course he’s using you for money! What else do you think he’s doing when he’s getting you to pay for everything?!

Raise the issue? Honey he knows what he's doing and your sat there accepting it. Don't let a man drain you financially. Get rid now and enjoy your extra dosh!!

What did you say when he didn't give you a gift at Christmas? I'd have asked him where mine was!

He's a cocklodger. Has he ever paid for any of the meals you've cooked him??

How can he be so fucking cheeky? Accepting gifts from you and not returning the favour?

If he knows you're struggling financially, then that's even worse.

He's a tight arse and will never get any better. I'd dump him. You deserve better!

@AnneLovesGilbert

I don’t believe he is using me for money

Um, of course he is.

as he knows I struggle financially

That makes him more of a dick.

Why are you saying gifts and generosity don’t matter? Of course they do.

He’s using you. Badly. He’s taking the piss and you’re so worried about being seen as above material things you’re going along with it.

You’re taking money from your children, who only have you to rely on, and spending it on this man and his family.

Why?!

Absolutely this! This bloke is a ponce OP and he's poncing off you AND your DC. Money shouldn't be our god but expecting those in our lives to give as well as take is not the worship of money at all- it's a normal, healthy boundary! The way he told you he WAS going to buy you flowers but didn't want to break a £20, is just sickening! It should have got your alarm bells clanging!!You're worth so much better OP but you have to teach yourself to believe this! If nothing else, remind yourself that the money you're spending on him is money you could and should be spending on your DC or saving for them, or as you're struggling, putting aside for bills or even a rainy day! Please get rid of him and spend some time on boosting your self-worth so you don't attract anymore users! All the best!

@whistleryukon

The more of these threads I read, the more I despair of women's rights and how far we are assumed to have come. I think the trajectory has been tampered with.

The modern day woman is expected to bear children, usually carry the burden of responsibility for the children, face the stigma of being a single parent if it doesn't work out. They are expected to work as hard and as many hours as men (whilst also caring for said children and also in fact having to work harder to prove they are as good as the men), always look good, be kind and positive, and fucking subsidise the men on top of all this. And still be subservient beings. I wish I was a fucking man getting everything paid for and doing as little as possible in every way and yet still have the audacity to act like the bloody prize.

(NB - not all men etc 🙄)

👏👏👏👏👏👏 well said!

He is a deceitful freeloader. End this relationship.

Bloody hell OP give yourself a shake. He's taking the piss out of you. He's taking food out of your children's mouths and doesn't even respect you enough to get you a birthday or Christmas present. Unbelievable.

Is this what you want to teach your children about how to treat a partner in a relationship? Because you and your standards will be their benchmark when they're older.