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Original poster

Am I unreasonable?

73 replies

Tiff9564 · 30/12/2021 12:36

Before I begin I want to confirm I’m not materialistic or expect a lavish lifestyle.
I have been dating a man for 8 months, we have progressed well and met each other’s children and parents over Christmas.
However I have a small issue that is nagging away at me. He has never put his hand in his pocket and made the effort to pay for anything like drinks and a take away, a small gift, nothing.
We had an argument roughly 2/3 months ago and he said he was going to buy me flowers to apologise but didn’t want to break into a £20 note, but the thought was there. It stung a bit like he was rubbing it in my face I could have had flowers but wasn’t worth the coins.
There have since been 2 occasions where he told me he is buying me something special for my birthday and for Christmas (6 days between each) and bigged it up as being amazing, so naturally I was excited to think my man was spoiling me on an important milestone birthday. I have seen him twice since this statement and neither time has he gifted me anything. I gave him and his family Christmas presents, which were appreciated, but I am hurt it wasn’t reciprocated after claiming he was going to buy me lovely things.
I do not care for presents or money in the slightest, to me it would signify he made the effort to find something thoughtful for me, even if it was from the poundshop I would not care because he still spent some of his time and money on me.
I feel like I am covering the costs for take aways etc as I offer and he doesn’t argue. I don’t believe he is using me for money, as he knows I struggle financially, but he shouldn’t promise things he can’t do. Is this something I should just let go or should I raise the subject with him?
I have considered when his birthday comes (in 5 weeks) that I will tell him we shouldn’t buy each other gifts moving forward as it’s hurtful to get someone’s hopes up. Any advice please?

OP posts:
WallaceinAnderland · 30/12/2021 13:53

Hang on, do you mean he doesn't pay for anything at all or that he just pays for his own and expects you to pay for your own?

moremoony · 30/12/2021 13:54

You’re being used and tying yourself in knots to make it ok. It’s not ok. He’s never paid for ANYTHING?!? Wow. You are now thinking to his birthday and going to appease by saying something you don’t want or believe to make it ok. Why would you do this? Why aren’t you your authentic self? You do care about this. It is important to you. Something from the pound shop is not ok. Come on. This situation sucks. He sucks. Do NOT say that thing you said you’re going to say on his birthday. Just do not buy anything at all with no comment. You don’t have to make this bearable. Going forward spend not one more penny on this man and reconsider if you really want to be with someone this miserable, right, selfish and crap for the rest of your life. What exactly are you getting out of this relationship?

SpookyScarySkeletons · 30/12/2021 14:16

Cocklodger alert!!

He is at best a bit right and at worst... well imagine if this relationship went long term and you had joint expenses such as rent/mortgage/bills/childcare??

Run now when you still can.

The flowers would have been the last straw for me.

SpookyScarySkeletons · 30/12/2021 14:16

SORRY!!!

Tight not right!! He is most definitely not right!!

Groovee · 30/12/2021 14:19

He's a miser. I'd get rid. He builds up your hopes then shatters them.

TheresAStarmanWaitingInTheSky · 30/12/2021 14:22

And like others have said, you are worth a lot more. So he didn't even buy you a Christmas present? It's strange that people start to believe this is normal.

layladomino · 30/12/2021 14:30

He is using you for money. He knows you're struggling yet he lets you buy all the meals out, all the takeaways? He promises you lovely presents then doesn't give you anything? Whilst accepting something from you??

The nerve of the man. If he doesn't want to spend money on takeaways then he shouldn't expect you to. If he doesn't want to spend money on presents then he should tell you not to either. He's actually done the opposite - unnecessarily and dishonestly promised you lovely presents then not bought you even something simple and low cost. It's like he's dangled the promise in front of you to ensure you get him something....otherwise why mention it when it wasn't ever going to happen? Or does he think you're a but stupid and that if he mentions a theoretical present you'll actually believe you've received it? Or worse is he doing it to mess with your head and leave you feeling uncertain of him?

An old friend of mine once dated (for a long time) a man who regularly made outlandish promises... of great gifts, lovely weekends away etc ... and they never came good. It's like he wanted her to think he was a generous romantic, so he talked about it. Of course she finally realised she couldn't trust anything he said (he was lying in other ways as well).

You clearly aren't being greedy or materialistic. You have very reasonable expectations of a relationship, whereas he is all about what he can get you to spend on him whilst limiting his own spend as much as possible.

This would give me the serious ick. But if you want to stick it out for a bit longer, I think you should at least have a conversation with him, along the lines of 'I've noticed it's always me that spends money when we go out (or stay in). Also that I buy you presents and you don't buy them for me, but you do keep promising presents that you clearly have no intention of giving me. This isn't fair and you're being dishonest. You know I struggle a but for money and if we're to stay together we need to split everything 50/50'.

Pyracanth · 30/12/2021 14:38

YANBU. He is using you and it won’t get any better.

girlmom21 · 30/12/2021 14:45

He's clearly using you for money and he's lied about this big amazing gift. Have you asked him where it is?

whistleryukon · 30/12/2021 14:55

The more of these threads I read, the more I despair of women's rights and how far we are assumed to have come. I think the trajectory has been tampered with.

The modern day woman is expected to bear children, usually carry the burden of responsibility for the children, face the stigma of being a single parent if it doesn't work out. They are expected to work as hard and as many hours as men (whilst also caring for said children and also in fact having to work harder to prove they are as good as the men), always look good, be kind and positive, and fucking subsidise the men on top of all this. And still be subservient beings. I wish I was a fucking man getting everything paid for and doing as little as possible in every way and yet still have the audacity to act like the bloody prize.

(NB - not all men etc 🙄)

HacerSonarSusPasos · 30/12/2021 14:58

Thank you, neeeeext!

He's a shameless leach.

TheHoptimist · 30/12/2021 15:11

@SmallElephant

What happens when you go out for a drink / meal or get a takeaway? Do you always pay??
Maybe he doesn’t want takeaway but the op does?
DukkaTheHallsWithBoughsOfHolly · 30/12/2021 15:16

You need to raise your standards OP. This is who he is, and you are not being unreasonable in wanting him to pay for things.

BIWI · 30/12/2021 15:31

I don't think the OP is coming back ...

Original poster
Tiff9564 · 30/12/2021 15:40

Thank you for the replies , a bitter pill to swallow but one I have to face. I’m not sure what I will do from here but I need to get my head around it first as I didn’t view it as a form of being used.
To answer some questions, it is me who suggests the takeaways but he is happy to add his food to the order and let me pay. We don’t go out for meals as I have social anxiety so it’s always at my house. We haven’t been in a position for him to offer to pay apart from the take aways, as we don’t go on dates, but if I don’t suggest them then I cook instead. It’s the present issue that got to me most of all, as I’d cook for anyone and not demand the costs for the ingredients, but a reciprocated gift is just polite. I may raise the subject, mainly for my own closure to understand. Thanks again

OP posts:
ILoveSushi12345 · 30/12/2021 15:44

What a fucking loser!

Nosnowthisyear · 30/12/2021 15:52

What was his explanation for no presents at Christmas and your birthday? What happened when you gave him yours?

ElectraBlue · 30/12/2021 15:57

Get rid of him and fast.

You are completely right to expect him to show his affection by putting some thoughts into the occasional gift.

It is not normal for him to never pay things like meals, drinks and take-aways. He is in fact clearly using you financially by never contributing.

This would be become and even bigger issue should the relationship become more serious and you consider living together and joint finances.

Red flag alert!

Skeumorph · 30/12/2021 15:58

Yes he is using you. He’s a grade A sponger. There’s no more to be said - dump the parasite!

eagerlywaitingfor · 30/12/2021 16:03

Wow, what a mean git he is. Talk about as tight as a crab's arse.

Please don't put up with it any longer, do yourself a favour and start the new year without a sponger round your neck.

IncompleteSenten · 30/12/2021 16:06

Stop paying for him.
As long as you keep giving, he'll keep taking.

hazelgrey · 30/12/2021 16:08

Get rid - asap
Tight arse cheeky git

Waftypants · 30/12/2021 16:13

If this does your head in now, it will really, really do your head in further down the road. He's a tightwad. Ditch him before you get any more entangled.

girlmom21 · 30/12/2021 16:15

Did he say anything at Christmas when you gave him his gift?

HoardingSamphireSaurus · 30/12/2021 16:21

How angry are you?

Could you talk up his birthday present, make a fuss about wanting it to be perfect then hand him an empty box and tell him to pack everything bin your home into it and the fuck off?

Or just imagine doing it and dump him now!

No matter how much wriggle room you give him he is using you, abusing your generosity.

Don't settle for this, him!

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