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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How much does your dp talk?! Is this normal?!

63 replies

Samehair · 30/12/2021 11:47

I'm seriously thinking of leaving dp.

He has always been quiet but then so am I. He literally doesn't talk to me and the kids. He doesn't tell me anything what's going on in his life. He just leaves the house and I don't know where he's gone. I have to ring him.

I ask open ended questions about work, events, news , anything to just get a fucking conversation out but nothing. The most I get is a one or two worded answer and the worst part of it is that he doesn't make eye contact when he speaks to me! He ignores me too. I have to ask him a question a couple of times before he answers. He's not hard of hearing. I'm stood right next to him! He's generally grumpy and it's a real turn off.

He hardly spends anytime with us a family or even his own. I love my ILs and we regularly get together and he never turns up. Wedding invites, parties, family gatherings, births - all I have to attend alone with the kids. He only attends if he absolutely has to like his brothers wedding.

On Xmas Eve he told me that evening he was spending it with his friends and that on Xmas day he was going on a hike with his friend! Thankfully friend cancelled but that was only because I asked dp why he hadn't gone yet.

When he's with his friends he's a different person. If he wants sex he suddenly starts giving me attention but soon after its back to the same again.

After xmas I decided to not speak to him only if needed and we haven't had one conversation despite both of us being at home!

Honestly, I think it's easier to get blood out a stone. I've tried and I have even talked to him about this and he just says it's my fault and to leave him alone. I don't want to keep bringing it up as it causes arguments but I don't know what to do. I feel stupid saying I want to leave because you don't talk to me but it's making me feel lonely, unloved, and is getting me down.

OP posts:
catbsfhs · 30/12/2021 11:51

I think you have every right to leave if you're not happy and he's not willing to do anything to rectify the situation. Choosing to spend Christmas Eve AND Day with friends rather than with his own children and you is unforgivable. He sounds like an utterly deadbeat dad and it's not like MH can be used to explain it as he's hardly a recluse if he's regularly out with friends.

TeaStory · 30/12/2021 11:54

I’m sorry to say this, but it doesn’t sound like he even likes you. You deserve better.

layladomino · 30/12/2021 11:56

The fact he can make arrangements with friends and get along with them tells you that he is capable of such things, he just doesn't want to do them with you / his family.

It sounds utterly soul-destroying. Have you asked him why he is with you? Get him to tell you all the things he loves about you. What he values about you. What things he's love to do together. See if he can answer those questions.

And let him know how off-putting and unattractive it is when a man is only interested / 'affectionate' when he wants sex.

You deserve so much better.

Totalwasteofpaper · 30/12/2021 11:59

It sounds like a lodger who keeps himself to himself rather than a life partner

Agree he sounds like he doesn't even like you I couldn't live like this.

Fireflygal · 30/12/2021 12:01

He has checked out but probably staying for home comfortable. I suspect you would feel more comfortable around a lodger than him.

How old are the children? Not speaking to you and not sharing information would be deemed unreasonable behaviour. You do deserve better.

2022beesknees · 30/12/2021 12:04

When he says that it's your fault, do you know what he means? How is it your fault?

roundtable · 30/12/2021 12:05

No op that's not normal and I'm sad you need to ask that as he must have really worn down your self esteem.

You deserve so much more than this. You really do. You and your children Flowers

goody2shooz · 30/12/2021 12:06

This sounds SO utterly miserable. For you and your children I really think you should make plans to leave this ‘arrangement’, you can’t call it a marriage. Presumably he was so nice you married him and then he changed? (Reverted?!) What a horrible man, he obviously doesn’t treat his friends with the contempt and dislike he shows you and his own children. For all of your sakes divorce is the only answer. He should be delighted and I bet you’ll all be a million times happier.

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 30/12/2021 12:07

Well he has checked out hasn't he? Was dc1 planned? When I got pregnant unplanned many years ago dp resented me so much. And even our dc.

Samehair · 30/12/2021 12:09

Wow. As stupid as it may seem I didn't ever think he doesn't like me. This has been going on for years slowly getting worse and worse over time. If he doesn't like me why doesn't he just leave? It doesn't make sense. I have in the past considered leaving and he always says he doesn't want to but then he also doesn't do anything about it either.

OP posts:
Tangelablue · 30/12/2021 12:10

I was surprised when you mentioned he has friends. What was he like when you first met him? It sounds like he has checked out of the relationship and is waiting for you to end it.

MiniCooperLover · 30/12/2021 12:14

He won't leave because he has a comfortable home life, food, clean clothes (I'm guessing), why would he??

leccybill · 30/12/2021 12:16

He just can't be arsed leaving and all the hassle it entails so he's making life unbearable for you so that you leave.

Bluntness100 · 30/12/2021 12:18

He’s not leaving because it’s so difficult financially etc setting up again, going through the whole emotion of it, but he’s not in it anymore op. Is there someone else? You’ve got shadow man there,

RosesAndHellebores · 30/12/2021 12:19

What was his own family life like. I suspect DH's father was high functioning ASD and I had to jolly DH along quite a lot to get him to engage with the DC, do fun stuff at Xmas in the early days and share the joy a bit. He had never seen it growing up. FIL too was capable of arranging things round his interests: church and trains and not involving anyone else. He was very untalkative unless you got him on the subject of trolley buses when he didn't pick up the cues to give it a rest.

Samehair · 30/12/2021 12:20

goody2shooz you know I think you're right. He did "revert" I think he's always been like this deep down. I remember in the early days my now sil told me that he was so withdrawn with them. He told me to ignore her, she is always saying stupid things about people.

roundtable I do have low self esteem and I think that's why I've put up with it for so long, not really seeing it as a problem.

OP posts:
RussianSpy101 · 30/12/2021 12:20

Has he always been like this?

Samehair · 30/12/2021 12:23

RosesAndHellebores his parents are great. I'm get along with his mother - she is extremely chatty and has lots and lots of friends. She is always going out and about. Everyone loves her - young and old. His sisters sre also lovely as is their partners. I get along with all his family.

OP posts:
SocialConnection · 30/12/2021 12:23

If this was a friend who was behaving like this, you'd know she just didn't enjoy your company or feel she had anything in common with you any more.

Especially if she'd rather spend time with other people.

And even more especially if she only ever got in contact when she wanted something specific from you - and once she'd got it, off she'd go again.

Samehair · 30/12/2021 12:25

RussianSpy101 early on in our relationship we would talk all the time. We got married fairly quickly and things were ok then for awhile and then it slowly got worse. It kind of just happened. I don't know.

OP posts:
Samehair · 30/12/2021 12:30

He says this is who he is and I basically don't like who he is which is hurtful. I need to accept it. It's my issue. He also says he notices that I don't talk which is true but i do this as I don't get anything back. He makes me really confused.

OP posts:
WonderfulYou · 30/12/2021 12:35

Most men don’t talk as much as women.
I am female and I’m not a big talker and I can sometimes struggle being around female friends and family too much as they think something is wrong if I’m quiet as they don’t get it.

However this doesn’t sound the case in your situation. Not turning up to events, making plans on Xmas day without discussing it.

He has checked out of the relationship.
As a PP said it sounds like he doesn’t even like you!

As harsh as it sounds you’re a place to stay, where he can eat and have occasional sex but not do much else. He has no reason to leave when he has it pretty good.

Why have you stayed with him?
Is it his family you don’t want to lose?

Vapeyvapevape · 30/12/2021 12:35

Make plans to separate and divorce, this is not a marriage, it’s not even friendship.

RantyAunty · 30/12/2021 12:36

There's a word for this. Wife appliance.

Does he eat dinner with you? Watch TV together?

Has he ever done anything with the kids? Do you do everything around the house and for the kids?

hoomama · 30/12/2021 12:39

It does sound as tho