Page 2 | How much does your dp talk?! Is this normal?!

EKGEMS · 30/12/2021 12:39

Leave the fucker. His behavior is extremely dysfunctional and a terrible example for your children. I'd have raised hell had my husband sprung plans to not be with myself and son on Xmas eve. He's a miserable SOB

Booboobadoo · 30/12/2021 12:40

I've read this on Mumsnet before - that your DH sees you as an appliance. Your functions are to look after the house, kids, him, provide sex etc etc, but he doesn't see you as an actual person with wants and needs etc, or thinks he can get away with treating you like to one. Every time he leaves the house without consulting you, he is deciding how you will spend your time as you can't just leave the children. I can't imagine what it's like for the children to have DH treat them and you like this

hoomama · 30/12/2021 12:43

It does sound as though the relationship is over.

Have you considered if perhaps he doesn't want to be in the relationship any more? It doesn't sound like he is happy or else he would be chatty and want to do things together.

DontTellThemYourNamePike · 30/12/2021 12:45

My dad was like this. Never spoke to my mum except to ask what time she was going out/coming back and other logistical stuff. I look back and think she should have left him. From I was old enough to be considered a confidante (about 13/14yo), she complained about him to me - how lonely she felt, how she had nobody to talk to, how unhappy she was. It made up most of our conversations and I felt more like her parent than her child. Looking back, there was nothing that would have changed him. Nothing. He was who he was. I loved him and miss him now he's gone, but I didn't have much of a relationship with him either. Like your DP he could switch it on for other people, but I suspect he struggled with this and felt overwhelmed by the effort. In any case, it just looked like a massive snub to my mum, as he couldn't be arsed making any effort for her - because he didn't have to.

Sadly, if my mum's experience is anything to go by, your DP is unlikely to change.

KatherineJaneway · 30/12/2021 12:48

He's well and truly checked out of your marriage hasn't he. He makes an effort with his friends but not with his wife and kids.

WonderfulYou · 30/12/2021 12:57

Make plans to separate and divorce, this is not a marriage, it’s not even friendship.

I agree.

ImmutableSexQueen · 30/12/2021 13:00

So he's your DH, not your DP? What's your housing situation? Are you working? Are the children his? Will you manage alone? You almost certainly will, as he's so distant from you all.

rifling · 30/12/2021 13:07

My dh is similar (see my other thread about not telling me stuff!) It's soul-destroying. I have stopped trying for the last few days and I don't think he's noticed.

LeifSan · 30/12/2021 13:14

It’s very disingenuous of him to just say this is who he is because this isn’t how he was when you met, fell in love and agreed to spend your life with him. So either he was putting on a show at the beginning and didn’t show you who he really is, or he is lying now and has checked out. Either way he’s been deceptive and shutting down conversation and refusing to acknowledge this is pretty heartless.

There’s often a simple reason why people don’t leave when they are like this and it’s that he’s happy enough with his life and comfortable in your unhappiness. How you feel doesn’t bother him, I expect because he’s got a decent enough life so why change? He does what he likes, treats you like an afterthought and has a home and social life that satisfies him. That is apparently good enough for him, no matter how you feel. Question is, is it good enough for you and your children?

TheFoundation · 30/12/2021 13:15

@Samehair

Wow. As stupid as it may seem I didn't ever think he doesn't like me. This has been going on for years slowly getting worse and worse over time. If he doesn't like me why doesn't he just leave? It doesn't make sense. I have in the past considered leaving and he always says he doesn't want to but then he also doesn't do anything about it either.

It doesn't have to make sense. You're not happy.

If he wants sex he suddenly starts giving me attention but soon after its back to the same again

This is revolting and manipulative. Can you leave? You could be respecting yourself and responding to your feelings, but you're not. You're asking if it's 'normal'; why? Why does it matter to you what other people find normal, when what he does makes you unhappy? Do you think that if his behaviour is 'normal', you should just put up with it? Why would you think that?

Snorkmaidenn · 30/12/2021 13:39

Gosh, I feel so sorry for you.
Would be far nicer to have a partner who is kind and loving without a sexual relationship.
You are way too young to waste your life.

Nanny0gg · 30/12/2021 13:45

@Samehair

He says this is who he is and I basically don't like who he is which is hurtful. I need to accept it. It's my issue. He also says he notices that I don't talk which is true but i do this as I don't get anything back. He makes me really confused.

No-one would like someone who behaved like him!

How easy is it for you to extricate yourself from this 'relationship'?

Karmagoat · 30/12/2021 13:49

Wow, what is the actual point of him? Like a pp said this isn't a relationship or even a friendship, you may as well be living with a stranger!
Stop wasting anymore of your and your children's lives on this pointless sack of shit, get rid and move on with your life

YourVagesty · 30/12/2021 13:53

Is there a back story? Like did you cheat on him or do something to make him switch off from you?

If not, he just sounds like a full-on arsehole. Sorry OP.

goody2shooz · 30/12/2021 14:01

‘He says this is who he is and I basically don’t like who he is which is hurtful. I need to accept it. It’s my issue’.
Who says you have to accept being treated like a servant? WHY would you like someone who treats you this way? It’s hurtful to him that you don’t like it??? What about HIS behaviour?? So he’s a gaslighting basket as well as a nasty piece of work….he uses you, shows NO sign of liking you or your mutual children and now makes out YOU are being hurtful. Make 2022 the year you get rid of this piece of scum and make a new HAPPY life for yourself and your children. Would you want a relationship like this for your children? Then don’t make them live through yours.

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 30/12/2021 14:07

@Samehair

I'm seriously thinking of leaving dp.

He has always been quiet but then so am I. He literally doesn't talk to me and the kids. He doesn't tell me anything what's going on in his life. He just leaves the house and I don't know where he's gone. I have to ring him.

I ask open ended questions about work, events, news , anything to just get a fucking conversation out but nothing. The most I get is a one or two worded answer and the worst part of it is that he doesn't make eye contact when he speaks to me! He ignores me too. I have to ask him a question a couple of times before he answers. He's not hard of hearing. I'm stood right next to him! He's generally grumpy and it's a real turn off.

He hardly spends anytime with us a family or even his own. I love my ILs and we regularly get together and he never turns up. Wedding invites, parties, family gatherings, births - all I have to attend alone with the kids. He only attends if he absolutely has to like his brothers wedding.

On Xmas Eve he told me that evening he was spending it with his friends and that on Xmas day he was going on a hike with his friend! Thankfully friend cancelled but that was only because I asked dp why he hadn't gone yet.

When he's with his friends he's a different person. If he wants sex he suddenly starts giving me attention but soon after its back to the same again.

After xmas I decided to not speak to him only if needed and we haven't had one conversation despite both of us being at home!

Honestly, I think it's easier to get blood out a stone. I've tried and I have even talked to him about this and he just says it's my fault and to leave him alone. I don't want to keep bringing it up as it causes arguments but I don't know what to do. I feel stupid saying I want to leave because you don't talk to me but it's making me feel lonely, unloved, and is getting me down.

I think he's checked out. It'd be interesting to hear what he says to his friends.

Me and Mrs hr have different family customs, mine are laidback, I'm not close as in meet-ups with inlaws, although when we do meet we have a laugh.
Mrs hr on the other hand has a family which is big on meets ups, gatherings, and parties, they're very close. Xmas and new yr are a big deal as are birthdays etc. This comes with drama and obligations too.
I've got 8 of them coming in about 4 hrs. Great for her, a nightmare for me.
Opposite to you though we do talk, and have lots of fun together. If we didn't her family commitments would make me leave.

PGSTesting123 · 30/12/2021 14:13

Leave this moron
Kick him out
Claim CMS

In the meantime tell him to sleep downstairs
Don't cook or wash his clothes
Give him a cupboard and freezer space

He's a useless bas*

EarthSight · 30/12/2021 14:27

@Samehair

Wow. As stupid as it may seem I didn't ever think he doesn't like me. This has been going on for years slowly getting worse and worse over time. If he doesn't like me why doesn't he just leave? It doesn't make sense. I have in the past considered leaving and he always says he doesn't want to but then he also doesn't do anything about it either.

I know why you're questioning that, but plenty of people do stay with partners they don't like for various reasons. When those partners want to have a conversation because they know things aren't right, they are told they are loved when it's just not true.

You believe what your partner says because you trust him, but there's a time where you have to really trust yourself and ask yourself - does this person seem to enjoy spending time with me? Do they behave in a loving way?

Women might have their own reasons for staying with a partner they don't like, but for men, I think it's to do with comfort and sex. They like you well enough to have you in the background like some nice wallpaper, but they either don't need or don't want you to be a more prominent factor in their lives than that. They keep you at an emotional distance to prevent you from placing demands on them and their time.

NotTheMrMenAgain · 30/12/2021 14:29

My experience of a husband who got less and less talkative and communicative over a couple of years was that he was cheating with a variety of mistresses during this time. The less he told me the fewer lies he had to remember - and he already had an awful lot to remember, as none of the mistresses, in another part of the country where he often worked, knew he was married. He compartmentalises things in his head and felt that just not telling people things wasn't actually lying. He was hugely messed up and the last few years of our marriage did a real number on my self-esteem. I think that being lonely in a relationship is actually worse than being lonely by yourself.

A year and a bit on, I've a lovely, lovely partner who talks a lot and wants to share his thoughts/feelings/world with me. It's like the difference between night and day. But it's just the icing on the cake, because DD and I were happier simply by having ex move out - it lightened the mood in the house and made for a more relaxed home.
You really don't have to put up with this. It's soul destroying and you deserve so much better - and just being single would be better, believe me, I've been there!

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 30/12/2021 14:41

@EarthSight
Men don't leave because buying a second property and paying maintenance is expensive. Some never recover.
People are tied with commitments so couples just suffer in silence.

Dancingsmile · 30/12/2021 14:51

He hasn't been honest with you. If you married a withdrawn man then yes you knew what he was like but you didn't.
He presented himself as a different person. If he had been how he is now when you met him you may never have continued the relationship.
I couldn't live with someone like that it would be sole destroying.
If this is him you will need to reasses and see if this is what will make you happy for the rest of your life. Please leave if it won't.

TeaStory · 30/12/2021 14:59

He says this is who he is and I basically don't like who he is which is hurtful. I need to accept it.

In some ways he’s right - if you stay in this marriage you will need to accept it, because it’s clear he won’t change. I’m sorry.

EarthSight · 30/12/2021 15:18

[quote Hrpuffnstuff1]@EarthSight
Men don't leave because buying a second property and paying maintenance is expensive. Some never recover.
People are tied with commitments so couples just suffer in silence.[/quote]
@Hrpuffnstuff1 I was thinking more generally, outside the family + children dynamic, but yes, I'm sure those are reasons too.

Geppili · 30/12/2021 15:43

He planned to spend Christmas eve away from his wife and kids AND then planned a hike on Christmas Day! The poor DC! Please think about leaving him. He has no interest in you or your precious DC. He can be nice as you say when he wants sex or when he is with other people. He is choosing to live like this and to dehumanise you so your esteem is so low that you feel paralysed. Get support and leave him. He is a pathetic excuse for a husband and father.

Vapeyvapevape · 30/12/2021 16:03

A man that pretends to be a certain way and then changes so dramatically is someone who is either mentally ill (he’s not because he’s fine with other people) or a manipulative psycho and I would find this so disturbing I just wouldn’t feel at ease in his company.