How much does your dp talk?! Is this normal?!

[Samehair]

I'm seriously thinking of leaving dp.

He has always been quiet but then so am I. He literally doesn't talk to me and the kids. He doesn't tell me anything what's going on in his life. He just leaves the house and I don't know where he's gone. I have to ring him.

I ask open ended questions about work, events, news , anything to just get a fucking conversation out but nothing. The most I get is a one or two worded answer and the worst part of it is that he doesn't make eye contact when he speaks to me! He ignores me too. I have to ask him a question a couple of times before he answers. He's not hard of hearing. I'm stood right next to him! He's generally grumpy and it's a real turn off.

He hardly spends anytime with us a family or even his own. I love my ILs and we regularly get together and he never turns up. Wedding invites, parties, family gatherings, births - all I have to attend alone with the kids. He only attends if he absolutely has to like his brothers wedding.

On Xmas Eve he told me that evening he was spending it with his friends and that on Xmas day he was going on a hike with his friend! Thankfully friend cancelled but that was only because I asked dp why he hadn't gone yet.

When he's with his friends he's a different person. If he wants sex he suddenly starts giving me attention but soon after its back to the same again.

After xmas I decided to not speak to him only if needed and we haven't had one conversation despite both of us being at home!

Honestly, I think it's easier to get blood out a stone. I've tried and I have even talked to him about this and he just says it's my fault and to leave him alone. I don't want to keep bringing it up as it causes arguments but I don't know what to do. I feel stupid saying I want to leave because you don't talk to me but it's making me feel lonely, unloved, and is getting me down.

Ive just had a chat with him and told him how I feel. He blamed me for this week of no conversation saying I was off with him so he stayed out of my way. Even though I told him this is his behaviour almost every day! Nothing has changed for me.

He says that the marriage in his eyes has been overall a good one with the usual expected ups and downs. He doesn't want me to leave and I'm not in a position to right now either and he knows this.

He'd like us to make changes which i had suggested giving as examples of what we could have done and asked what I'd like to do together these next couple of days before we go back to work. I told him nothing unless it was something which involved the children. It just feels a bit forced and pointless. I told him that I don't want to work on the marriage. He never has, why should I now?

@Samehair

Ive just had a chat with him and told him how I feel. He blamed me for this week of no conversation saying I was off with him so he stayed out of my way. Even though I told him this is his behaviour almost every day! Nothing has changed for me.

He says that the marriage in his eyes has been overall a good one with the usual expected ups and downs. He doesn't want me to leave and I'm not in a position to right now either and he knows this.

He'd like us to make changes which i had suggested giving as examples of what we could have done and asked what I'd like to do together these next couple of days before we go back to work. I told him nothing unless it was something which involved the children. It just feels a bit forced and pointless. I told him that I don't want to work on the marriage. He never has, why should I now?

Hang on, you talk to him and he blames you?

He's gaslighting you!!! He arranged to go out on Christmas Day. That's all you need to know.

Do not let him pin it on you. You should tell him to move to his mothers for a bit. Don't give him the option. Act as though you are separated and mean it.

@Samehair I think we are married to the same man.

DH and I have a small child, a mortgage, married 4 years. We have had marriage counselling, one session so far. He wouldn't book another for 6 weeks due to finances. Will happily spend money every week on his hobby though, but yes, money is tight what with childcare.

Our life has changed immeasurably since DS arrived. But even DH will admit we weren't right before that. What's changed since DS, in my opinion, is that I simply don't have the energy left to make all the conversation. And if I don't speak, we literally sit in silence. Literal silence.

He irritates me. He is so difficult to communicate with. Its like having two separate conversations, and unless I initiate conversation nothing is said. He sees any conversation as conflict, and will avoid conflict at all cost. He believes women always get their way, so what's the point in even discussing anything, type thing. He makes his own self fulfilling prophecies with these deeply held beliefs. Which makes me massively unhappy. Because if I wanted everything my own way, I'd just do it myself. Much easier than dragging a reluctant participant around behind me! He says he feels like a passenger. I feel like he's a bloody passenger. Starting to resenet him, downright dislike him.

I'm lonely. I'm frustrated. I'm miserable. I need a life partner, a compadre, a companion.

I think its easier to stay together than to separate although he won't ever say it out loud (conflict avoidant) so he would rather damn us both to a life of misery (until he feels at some point ready to call it quits maybe) than grow a set and express an opinion, a thought, an.. anything.

I desperately wish it wasn't like this. I don't want to separate, and I have no idea how I'd manage with work, and the mortgage and a small child, childcare etc.. but I sure as hell don't want to live like this. I don't want this as an example for our son. I don't want this for me. It would be easier to be on my own than to deal with this. Its making me miserable and makes the hard days so much harder than they need be.

This needs to be said.

Many men don’t want to parent or participate in actual family life. They just like having a family and how that makes them look to their larger social circle. The “family aesthetic “ helps men in their career as married men with children are seen as more reliable.

We see it time and time again. Men having a family but opting out of actually participating. It’s sad and I wish these men would just leave women alone and stop making children they don’t want.

I would continue to disengage OP and make plans to leave. I don’t see why you should make an effort when he acts like he doesn’t even like you.

I’ll bet he doesn’t want you to leave! Then he’ll have to do everything for himself, the selfish, gaslighting pos. Trying to blame it all on you??!! Arranges to go hiking on Christmas Day? Too right it would feel forced to do something together - and that would only be because you told him how awful his behaviour is. He has cheated you out of a proper marriage, you’d never have married the ‘real him’. Glad you’re finding your anger, and sincerely hope you get rid of this truly horrible man.

Hi OP. I was/am married to a man like this. He was always like this though even with his family. Different man with his friends though. He is emotionally unavailable and the most introverted person I’ve ever met. I honestly think he is dead inside.

It destroyed me. I have never been as lonely as I was when we were married. I told him we were over in 2018 and he didn’t even look up from his laptop. 4 years on we still live together (we rub along quite well) due to not wanting the kids to leave their school and area etc, we couldn’t afford to live here otherwise.

While it’s not ideal at least I feel that my children are not being given the idea that a husband ignores his wife and that’s normal. I am teaching my boys what to look for in a relationship, how to treat a woman and how to be treated. I also don’t have to sleep with him and share a bed (shudder).

I have emotionally detached from him, his silence no longer bothers me. I do agree with other posters who have said that he has the family unit and thought he didn’t actually have to do anything to keep it alive. He now has to pull his weight and I don’t take any shit anymore.

He will never change. He is who he is. It’s taken me years to get back on my feet but I don’t think I will ever be in a relationship again. It has permanently damaged me being with him. I could never trust another man.

If you have the means to leave, I would or at least find a way to completely detach so that his silence doesn’t destroy you. I would also recommend counselling for you alone. I wish you well OP. Feel free to PM me if you like xx

It sounds a very miserable existence for you
He has checked out. Why would he plan to spend Xmas day with a friend ffs?!

OP I hope you are ok or s ok as you can be, What you need to do is live your own life,build it whilst you are there,Be busy,do the things you want to and live and i mean really live,make new friends whist you are growing and do this without him, Go on holiday,go to work,go to lunch with friends,What you will be doing is building you ,working on you and your happiness and gaining confidence,whilst you are doing this you willnaturally drift further apart and this will help you no end especially with supportive friends around you,Then when the time is right you will move on naturally because you will not care enought to stay, Use this awful time to find you and plan and prepare for the day you finally say I do not need you in my life anymore,Use this time to build your strength as you will need it going forward,He will probably not even notice how much you are evolving and that will be a good thing for you,You will know when you are strong enough to take the leap and get out of there,

@SocialConnection

If this was a friend who was behaving like this, you'd know she just didn't enjoy your company or feel she had anything in common with you any more.

Especially if she'd rather spend time with other people.

And even more especially if she only ever got in contact when she wanted something specific from you - and once she'd got it, off she'd go again.

This is a really good way of looking at it.

Agree with everyone else that he likes the home comforts / set up but you are living with a shadow as pp said.

No wonder your self esteem has taken a hit.

I think you should initiate the split. This so unfair on you. You deserve better.

You've wasted enough time on this man. Leave him and find happiness.

@Babyboy2020

He believes women always get their way, so what's the point in even discussing anything, type thing

This is awful.

There are two possibilities here.

Either you are covertly dominant and you don't realise it - this is where someone has a conversation with another person just as a polite formality. They are determined to get their own way always, but would rather frame it as a mutual agreement than what it actually is.

Or - he is assuming the default position of victim and vilifying you in order to assert control over discussions or disagreements before they even happen. Some narccisitsts have a very strong 'poor me' narrative running in their heads and anything you do that they don't like will bolster that narrative.

It could be a mixture of both actually - he's met someone who happens to bolster his existing his view of women, but, if you truly believe it's the latter, then you're not on the same team, at all. If he is doing this to vilify you, to assert control, I actually think your relationship is bordering on abusive. It's extremely disrespectful and manipulative to do this to you, and probably is a sign of contempt for you.

Just read your post again and I really hope you find happyness @Babyboy2020🌹 . That you find the loving, supportive, respectful companion that you need that doesn't behave like a sulky 5 year old, someone that you can make plans with and fill your home with positive energy.

Following as similar here. Hugs OP