How would you feel….

[RoseisMadder]

…About your DP keeping a raunchy picture of their ex?

How do you feel about it? And why does it matter to you what other people will feel?

Your feelings are all that matter.

I feel sick and like I’m not good enough

OK, well, that's pretty clear then, and you've no problem with identifying how you feel and expressing it.

Not good enough for what?

I know how I feel
What I don’t know is whether to broach the subject (he has no idea I know) or just keep my feelings to myself

It wouldn't bother me as long as it wasn't pornographic.

How did you find it?

@2022beesknees it’s an underwear picture

@2022beesknees it was within his work invoices that I was sorting through

You’re obviously very unhappy about it and that is understandable. It certainly wouldn’t be acceptable to me.

As long as you don't think he's gazing at it daily, I really would not fret about it. He is with you now.

I think I just need to figure out if it’s just my insecurities or if my feelings are justified

It is your insecurities. Is there something about your body you don't like?

Your feelings are valid but perhaps you may be as well looking at your own insecurities and / or self esteem.

He may well not realise he even still has the photo, you won't know unless you ask. If you don't feel you can ask, that begs the question why you feel that way.

Not my body so much
But I am very insecure about each of our sexual pasts. He’s been a lot more adventurous than me. I’ve had lots of bad experiences so sometimes he’s worried he’ll trigger my anxieties by suggesting particular things. I’ve told him multiple times that our sex life is soooooo different and I’ll say if I’m uncomfortable with anything.
I feel like he’s not 100% comfortable with me and maybe he keeps this photo for memories of someone else. Someone who is more adventurous

It is not your insecurities! I'd be raging if I found out DH had a picture of an ex. It would be cheating if he's deliberately thinking looking at other women in a sexual way.
First you need to find out if he's kept it on purpose, and then decide what your boundaries are. If he says, sorry I didn't know I had it and he throws it away immediately, then decide whether you trust he is telling the truth. If he says, oh yeah I like looking at that photo sometimes and won't throw it away, then decide whether you want to be with this person.
What he's done is his choice, but what you do now is your choice. What do you want?

@Mamamamasaurus no, he knows it’s there. He re-organised his paperwork the other day himself

Do you think he wanted you to find it, Rose?

@Pigletting

It is not your insecurities! I'd be raging if I found out DH had a picture of an ex. It would be cheating if he's deliberately thinking looking at other women in a sexual way. First you need to find out if he's kept it on purpose, and then decide what your boundaries are. If he says, sorry I didn't know I had it and he throws it away immediately, then decide whether you trust he is telling the truth. If he says, oh yeah I like looking at that photo sometimes and won't throw it away, then decide whether you want to be with this person. What he's done is his choice, but what you do now is your choice. What do you want?

At some stage in their lives all straight men will look at other women in a sexual way!

@RoseisMadder

Not my body so much But I am very insecure about each of our sexual pasts. He’s been a lot more adventurous than me. I’ve had lots of bad experiences so sometimes he’s worried he’ll trigger my anxieties by suggesting particular things. I’ve told him multiple times that our sex life is soooooo different and I’ll say if I’m uncomfortable with anything. I feel like he’s not 100% comfortable with me and maybe he keeps this photo for memories of someone else. Someone who is more adventurous

You're doing the right thing by saying if you feel uncomfortable with anything. Don't feel pressurised into 'performing'. If he didn't want to be with you he wouldn't be with you.

@Orgasmagorical I don’t think so.
I’m going to have to talk to him about it, I can’t feel like this. I’m not good at hiding feelings anyway.
I don’t understand why he would keep the picture if he’s so happy with me? Logically it means he’s not

I disagree that it's illogical he would keep a photo if he's happy with you. We all have pasts and memories. That was part of his life then. Him keeping the image does not mean that he's not happy with you. It doesn't follow - logically - do you see what I mean?

Why keep a photo of an ex (posing in underwear) then?

The two things aren't mutually exclusive.
I can't think of a good analogy.
I keep photos of my old cars. Not because I want that car back, because I have a better car now. But occasionally I might want to look at photos and remember times when I had that car. That in no way means I am unhappy now, I'm just remembering.
You cannot - and should not - try to deny someone their memories.

@2022beesknees

The two things aren't mutually exclusive. I can't think of a good analogy. I keep photos of my old cars. Not because I want that car back, because I have a better car now. But occasionally I might want to look at photos and remember times when I had that car. That in no way means I am unhappy now, I'm just remembering. You cannot - and should not - try to deny someone their memories.

I can't think of a good analogy either. Certainly not comparing women to cars, but then maybe thats why you'd be happy in this situation.

OP, it doesn't matter how anyone else feels or thinks about this situation. It makes you feel insecure and uncomfortable. Why do you think your feelings are not valid?

You are going to have a conversation with him because it will drive you crazy otherwise.

Mumsnet baffles me sometimes. I would be gutted if my partner had a picture of his ex in her underwear. Keeping memories yes, but not a picture like that. It's inappropriate. And it is massively different looking at a picture of an anonymous naked woman and his ex. If I was the ex, I would also be hugely unimpressed. I would approach it and discuss it with him in a calm way that you don't find it acceptable and it has upset you.