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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How would you feel….

52 replies

RoseisMadder · 30/12/2021 10:46

…About your DP keeping a raunchy picture of their ex?

OP posts:
TheFoundation · 30/12/2021 12:06

@RoseisMadder

I think I just need to figure out if it’s just my insecurities or if my feelings are justified
Your feelings are always justified. If you told your partner that it upset you when he ate strawberry yoghurts, he'd respect that feeling if he respected you. He'd be interested in why you felt that way, and finding a compromise so that he could still eat them but in a way that wouldn't upset you.

What would happen if you told him it made you feel crap that he keeps this photo, or asked him something about it, like why he keeps it or if he has any others? How would you anticipate that he'd respond to you?

2022beesknees · 30/12/2021 12:09

Disingenuous post @TheWeeDonkey. I was not comparing women to cars, as I would hope you would well know. The analogy is being used to explain why it is not illogical to keep historic photos and be happy with the present.

2022beesknees · 30/12/2021 12:12

How about the situation where the ex partner was a semi-professional underwear model, where images can be found quite easily online?
Would you have to police him to make sure he only ever viewed strangers, and not view this person with whom he once had a relationship?

TheFoundation · 30/12/2021 12:13

At some stage in their lives all straight men will look at other women in a sexual way

There's no rules about how much it's 'supposed' to upset women though. Glancing at someone you find attractive in the street is very different from keeping photos of exes. Keeping photos of exes is very different from keeping photos of undressed people. 'Everyone finds other people attractive sometimes' isn't a cover-all for all kinds of 'looking at other people'. Sometimes it's ok and sometimes it isn't, and only OP can decide how she feels about this. There are no external rules.

Original poster
RoseisMadder · 30/12/2021 12:14

I don’t think you can compare this to car ownership, my current car doesn’t have feelings and insecurities
@TheFoundation honestly, I’m not sure. That’s what also concerns me I suppose.
He’ll likely be remorseful, get rid of it. Or he’ll be defensive. But now the thought is in my brain. He’d only be getting rid of it because of how I feel, not because of whether he wants to keep it
A part of me just wants to burn it, not say anything and see if he notices and says anything

OP posts:
Original poster
RoseisMadder · 30/12/2021 12:16

Looking at pictures of strangers online is very different. I don’t have memories of having sex with those people

OP posts:
Sidehustle99 · 30/12/2021 12:20

I would get it out and say what the fuck is this. See what he says.

Who knows what is motivations are for keeping it but it does seem he either wanted you to find it or didn't care if you did. Do you regularly check through the invoices?

Only you will know if it's a deal breaker for you. I know it will feel like a massive betrayal.

At best it sounds like he's selfish and self absorbed. At worse he wanted you to see what he can bag to keep you on your toes. It sounds like an ego issue and he hasn't considered how you would feel at all. He might be waiting to see your reaction.

Either way keeping sexual mementos from a previous relationship that deliberately cause pain would be a deal breaker for most.

Imagine for a minute that he found a picture of one of your sexy exes in a similar photo and consider what his reaction would be, now you have your answer. Good luck OP Thanks

2022beesknees · 30/12/2021 12:20

I wouldn't burn it if I were you.

fitsandgiggles · 30/12/2021 12:28

I wouldn't be happy.

TheFoundation · 30/12/2021 12:29

@RoseisMadder

I don’t think you can compare this to car ownership, my current car doesn’t have feelings and insecurities *@TheFoundation* honestly, I’m not sure. That’s what also concerns me I suppose. He’ll likely be remorseful, get rid of it. Or he’ll be defensive. But now the thought is in my brain. He’d only be getting rid of it because of how I feel, not because of whether he wants to keep it A part of me just wants to burn it, not say anything and see if he notices and says anything
Don't test him. It won't make for a healthy outcome.

Tell him how you feel. If he's defensive, that's not good because it means that protecting his ego is more important to him than you feeling ok. Work out what you want and need from him; it might be that what you need is for him to never have kept this picture, in which case, the damage is done, and you have to work out whether it's a dealbreaker.

If you don't feel you can talk to him about it, that's an issue in itself. The photo may be a symptom rather than the problem itself... the problem may be more to do with the way you deal with issues as a couple, and how you supress your feelings because you worry about the outcome of being open about them.

How are you both usually about raising issues with each other? Do you feel you can raise concerns with him usually, if he's done something that bothers you? Or would you generally keep quiet and try to just 'get on with it', for fear of causing a bunch of drama?

Original poster
RoseisMadder · 30/12/2021 12:39

@TheFoundation yes, I wish he’d looked at the photo and thought ‘Why do I have this, I don’t need it! I have Rose now who is hot as hell’ It really fucking hurts that he hasn’t done that.
I do suppress my feelings and avoid conflict, due to previous relationships and being gaslit in the past.
I’m scared to raise this, we’ve been pretty good for a while but it’s not been easy (other parts of his past have caused arguments) so I don’t want to rock the boat

OP posts:
furbabymama87 · 30/12/2021 12:40

@2022beesknees

How about the situation where the ex partner was a semi-professional underwear model, where images can be found quite easily online? Would you have to police him to make sure he only ever viewed strangers, and not view this person with whom he once had a relationship?
That is not the same scenario at all.
Original poster
RoseisMadder · 30/12/2021 12:52

Also scared of being lied to. He knows it’s there. I know he does.
If he lies and says he didn’t…… I don’t know

OP posts:
2022beesknees · 30/12/2021 12:56

How long ago did he have this relationship?

Feelingoktoday · 30/12/2021 13:00

By raising a concern you have is not rocking the boat. If it does rock the boat then unfortunately your relationship is not as solid as you think. Do not put up with walking on egg shells, being second best or ignoring your gut feelings. We are not here to bleep men happy. Say how you feel, say it makes you feel insecure. Say “this makes me feel insecure, why do you still have it to look at?”

TheFoundation · 30/12/2021 13:01

I do suppress my feelings and avoid conflict, due to previous relationships and being gaslit in the past

I can see why this would happen and understand why (I've done it myself too), but supressing feelings and avoiding conflict is precisely what makes a person vulnerable to abusive behaviours, including gaslighting. This issue with the photo might be a turning point for you.

Expressing your feelings isn't rocking the boat. It depends how you do it. If you start playing games like burning it/seeing if he notices, that rocks the boat. But any worthy partner, if you tell them calmly that they're doing something that bothers you, will listen to and respect your feelings. It doesn't sound like he does this.

But currently, you're not respecting your own feelings. You're looking for external validation. You need people on MN to tell you that you're right to feel the way do, or that they would feel the same as you, before you think it's 'ok' to have your feelings. But it's always ok to have your feelings; they are what make you who you are. They are your heart. Your feelings are the only thing that matter. If you only do things/spend time with people with whom you feel great, how do you think your life would be, in comparison to spending lots of time with people with whom you feel you doubt yourself?#

Feelings are all we have. You could have a million quid and live in a mansion with cocktails served all day by your pool, but if you feel like crap, none of it means anything. Let your feelings lead you. Currently, you don't respect your feelings. You don't listen to them, believe in them, value them. You're asking other people if your feelings are ok or not: they are. They are you. Respecting them is respecting yourself, and if anybody makes you feel that you're rocking the boat by respectfully expressing your feelings, they're not good for you, because your feelings are lower on their priority list than you shutting up about your feelings.

Feelingoktoday · 30/12/2021 13:02

He can’t lie. The evidence is there. So don’t let him lie to you. Good luck.

Original poster
RoseisMadder · 30/12/2021 13:29

@2022beesknees I’m not sure, in the photo her face is out of picture, it’s just her body.

@TheFoundation it really is a turning point for me, other things I could forgive. My ExH cheated on me, obviously I know this makes me more insecure.
I’ll talk to him about it, I can’t not. As I said, I’m terrible at hiding my feelings and I owe it to myself. I’ve said to him before (with other stuff) that I’ll always prioritise my feelings and well-being having not done so in the past and knowing where it gets me putting others first.

OP posts:
1Ta1T · 30/12/2021 13:51

In my view, a relationship tend to be stronger if they are based on really good communication and there is not a need to censor to any great extent what can be communicated. For example, it is OK to say something like "you keeping this picture has freaked me out a bit but I recognise that might be me being silly so it would help me if we could talk about it a bit please."

2022beesknees · 30/12/2021 14:04

Ah, @RoseisMadder now that you say her face is out of picture, I would begin to wonder about this photo too. After your initial postings I had imagined an everyday photo of a woman who happened to be in her underwear, but lack of face seems a bit odd. Seems to suggest this is a posed shot? Is it definitely her?

Original poster
RoseisMadder · 30/12/2021 14:07

@2022beesknees he has a few ex’s, I’ve met none. I could hazard a guess but it doesn’t matter to me who it is.
It’s a posed picture, nice underwear, taken front on by someone. Polaroid picture

OP posts:
Original poster
RoseisMadder · 30/12/2021 14:10

I mean, he was previously into photography…it’s possible it’s an image that he keeps because he likes the photo rather than who is on it. But is that me gaslighting myself??
I’m certain he knows it would upset me

OP posts:
2022beesknees · 30/12/2021 14:13

I don't know - the lack of face in the shot seems icky to me. Maybe that's the angle you could broach the subject - ask him why on earth would a photo be taken of just the body?

Original poster
RoseisMadder · 30/12/2021 14:13

@1Ta1T, that’s the approach I would take

OP posts:
TheFoundation · 30/12/2021 14:20

@RoseisMadder

I mean, he was previously into photography…it’s possible it’s an image that he keeps because he likes the photo rather than who is on it. But is that me gaslighting myself?? I’m certain he knows it would upset me
Gaslighting can't be done to you (by yourself or anybody else) unless you are denying your own core feelings. You've done that before, with him, with the 'other parts of his past' you mentioned. Things that you weren't happy with, but he did something (apologised/grovelled/convinced you you were being silly) that made you minimise those concerns about his previous behaviours.

When things went wrong in the past with him, did you come out of those situations feeling like he'd taken care of your feelings, and that you were fully back to feeling you were in a loving, supportive relationship with him? Or did you come out thinking 'Oh no, I was just being a bit stupid to feel like that, really, I wish I'd kept my mouth shut...'?

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