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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Argument-“thick fucker”

84 replies

Somebodyotherbody · 29/12/2021 23:09

Right! So me and my husband had an argument lastnight. Been married a number of years now and have young children.

So I mentioned to him that I’ll be starting the gym soon. He already goes to the gym nearly everyday for excessive number of hours say around 3-4 sometimes even more and defeats the purpose of going as he eats junk food straight after coming back as he either orders dessert or buys something on his way back. I tell him what’s the point of going there if you eat shit straight after. And he says in reply most wives would be supportive of their husbands and say kind things to encourage them not to eat junk and tell them they will reach their weight goal instead of making them feel like shit🤔. Anyway the time he’s away for is beside the point that’s a whole other issue.

I mentioned to him that I’ll be starting the gym soon too as I would like to better my health and lose a lot of weight. Had a baby few months ago and I work part time and handle majority of things related to the kids.

So he when I told him that I wanted to start the gym he said “well you better start paying the bills as I won’t be able to work as much once you start going to the gym as well as work”
Stupid statement as I contribute MASSIVELY to bills/household costs honestly! He’s saying as he’s self employed he can’t work as much, however I have been off work on maternity for a very long time yet didn’t see much change to his finances. You’d think he would back his point and earn more whilst I’m off work as he has all the time in the world to work and go to the gym. Does anybody else agree or disagree that this is him saying sit your ass down and don’t go anywhere??

Anyhoo iv gone off track a bit….so we carried on arguing/discussing things back and forth and somehow came to the point where he first said “you’re thick” and followed that up with “you thick fucker” to me. I was shocked and said “I’m thick why?”. He said how do you expect me to pay bills if your working 2 days out of the 7 and going to add gym to that list?”. He said I’m just trying to keep him indoors locked away lol. I said my word you’ve not took advantage of the time iv been at home with the kids so how would me working and going to the gym affect your earnings?”. I have a career to which I won’t give up as I worked hard to get there . Today is now a day later, he came back in from work, I’m not speaking to him and he hasn’t said a word to me at all. Not even a text message. I mean we argue time to time and end up not talking to each other sometimes as I’m sure happens in other people marriages however I felt so sick after he used them words during our argument. The argument happened late at night when we were in bed and I turned over and just went to sleep. Whenever we do argue though he always always wins, as in I end up just going silent because I’m shit at arguing back. He calls me too sensitive as I just go silent during arguments.

Am I too sensitive? Overreacting?
Cross posted on AIBU too

OP posts:
Puffalicious · 30/12/2021 13:55

[quote Outlyingtrout]@Somebodyotherbody there’s no point arguing with him. You’re wasting your time. He is what he is. You have a choice to either put up with it or walk away.[/quote]
Yup. Totally agree. That leopard won't change his spots. He doesn't respect you one bit. Set your standards much much higher.

MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 30/12/2021 14:04

My ex son in law suddenly began working late, also saying he was at the gym and coming home anytime up to 2am - even 6am (he would say nipping back to work to prepare another job). He's self employed.

We thought it was to avoid bathing the children and the bedtime routine.

My daughter went many times to his workshop of an evening (to spy on him) but he was never there when he insisted he was.

Phone conversation:

DD: Where are you?
Him: Workshop.
DD: No you're not - I'm outside and you're not here.
Him: Oh I've just nipped out for a coffee.
DD: What's up with your kettle?
Him: Oh, I'm getting a bite to eat as well.
DD: Your dinner is on the table.
Him: Oh, I'll eat that when I get home.

Turns out he was going to the nearest larger town at 4.30/5pm to visit prostitutes.

Wondered why he never had any money despite working all those extra hours. Turns out he's a compulsive liar and a fantasist - massive personality disorder. We also found out he had two teenage children that no one else knew about - not even his parents.

He's currently pretending to be crying about not seeing his children (according to Facebook) but never wants to actually (in reality) see them or contribute to their upbringing.

Why do men find it so easy to tell such bare faced lies?

OP, I can't see him being at the gym all that time. It's why he doesn't want you to go. Because you'll find out that he hasn't actually been there from the staff.

Cherrysoup · 30/12/2021 14:08

You need to ask yourself what benefits you’re getting from the relationship. Does he make you happy? Does he help with household chores/the dc? He doesn’t sound like he respects you-is he saying he won’t LET you go to the gym?

GreatResetRequested · 30/12/2021 14:11

You can’t stay in this relationship without sacrificing your self-respect, mental health and happiness.

He sounds like an absolute prick - so nasty. Hateful and selfish. Not a good choice as a partner, a self destructive choice.

Good luck.

catandbabymama · 30/12/2021 14:16

What do you get out of this relationship? Nothing, so get out of it.

icelollycraving · 30/12/2021 14:27

I’d find it dubious that he spends that long in the gym and you see no changes to his physique. I suspect he’s not at the gym at all.

Geppili · 30/12/2021 15:25

You say he is self employed. What sort of what work is it?

Somebodyotherbody · 30/12/2021 20:27

@Geppili He’s drives children with special needs to schools, takes people to airports and taxis now and again too.

OP posts:
Somebodyotherbody · 30/12/2021 20:31

And no I wouldn’t be going to the same gym as he goes to so I don’t think it’s a matter of me catching him out or him realising that I’ll find out he’s not there at all.

@Iamkmackered1979 hmm not too sure maybe he does on occasion. Majority of the time he comes back in gets his weed and goes outside to smoke which can take another 30 mins.

OP posts:
coodawoodashooda · 30/12/2021 20:35

@Lookingoutside

Get rid.
This
Pinkbonbon · 30/12/2021 20:38

Oh ffs. So he not only potentially smokes weed and drives...he potentially smokes weed and drives children around.

Even if he doesn't smoke before driving, weed still affects you the next day.

It used to make me feel like someone was standing looking over my shoulder for the whole day after I bad smoked it. Imagine it did that to him whilst driving and he kept looking round. Momentary lapse in judgement and those kids are history.

God op
Just, why? Why are you with him?
(*prays you don't say 'for the kids').

Waftypants · 30/12/2021 20:38

Why on earth are you with this man? He sounds absolutely awful. He has no respect for you whatsoever.

Kdubs1981 · 30/12/2021 20:40

Jesus. What he said was horrendous, but to be honest, I don't think that is the major problem here (even though it's terrible).

The serious problem you have is his attitude towards you and your role as mother to his children and general dogsbody. He doesn't see you as a partner and equal and that he should be doing half the domestic work and you should get your share of free time.

Dick

FallonCarringtonWannabe · 30/12/2021 20:49

Dear god he sounds awful. Why stay?

KateMcCallister · 30/12/2021 21:06
  1. He's not at the gym
  2. He's the controlling one
  3. Why are you with someone who wants to deny you the opportunity to work on your mental and physical well-being?
Ballcactus · 30/12/2021 21:13

He’s a prick & you deserve better

Onlinedilema · 30/12/2021 21:26

Ok
I know professional bodybuilders. Even they do not work out for 4 hours in the gym.
He is lying.
He is nasty for calling you names.
He wants to control you.
He is very disrespectful and certainly does not love you.
This relationship is awful.
Get rid of him.

Tempnamelady · 30/12/2021 21:30

He would be gone . Don’t waste the rest of your life on him and I say this as someone who has done exactly that.

LadyWithLapdog · 30/12/2021 22:06

Weed and driving. Seriously? How can you respect this man.

Geppili · 30/12/2021 22:33

Op, he is the 'thick fucker'. He is a disaster waiting yo happen. He is a liability.

JetBlackSteed · 30/12/2021 22:38

His statement in the heat of an argument that you want him at home to keep him locked away is very telling.
He's projecting.
That is where he wants you.
Because he's not doing 3 to 4 hours at the gym working out.

He likes his life that you are subbing. You're wanting to change that, it's why he's cross and making it all your fault.

I don't say this lightly, but you do need to LTB.

ldontWanna · 30/12/2021 23:31

@Somebodyotherbody

And no I wouldn’t be going to the same gym as he goes to so I don’t think it’s a matter of me catching him out or him realising that I’ll find out he’s not there at all.

@Iamkmackered1979 hmm not too sure maybe he does on occasion. Majority of the time he comes back in gets his weed and goes outside to smoke which can take another 30 mins.

Doe he know you are planning to join a different gym?
Colourmeclear · 31/12/2021 11:35

I'd leave over the weed to be honest but I know that's not a deal breaker for everyone.

Is there this level of conflict in other areas of your relationship? Who does the compromising? You, him or both?

Tulipsandviolets · 31/12/2021 22:05

3 hours a day in the gym sound's like he's definitely lying 🤥

Lennon80 · 31/12/2021 23:02

Start keeping an eye on his phone - location settings - significant locations will tell you where he’s been!

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