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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Argument-“thick fucker”

84 replies

Somebodyotherbody · 29/12/2021 23:09

Right! So me and my husband had an argument lastnight. Been married a number of years now and have young children.

So I mentioned to him that I’ll be starting the gym soon. He already goes to the gym nearly everyday for excessive number of hours say around 3-4 sometimes even more and defeats the purpose of going as he eats junk food straight after coming back as he either orders dessert or buys something on his way back. I tell him what’s the point of going there if you eat shit straight after. And he says in reply most wives would be supportive of their husbands and say kind things to encourage them not to eat junk and tell them they will reach their weight goal instead of making them feel like shit🤔. Anyway the time he’s away for is beside the point that’s a whole other issue.

I mentioned to him that I’ll be starting the gym soon too as I would like to better my health and lose a lot of weight. Had a baby few months ago and I work part time and handle majority of things related to the kids.

So he when I told him that I wanted to start the gym he said “well you better start paying the bills as I won’t be able to work as much once you start going to the gym as well as work”
Stupid statement as I contribute MASSIVELY to bills/household costs honestly! He’s saying as he’s self employed he can’t work as much, however I have been off work on maternity for a very long time yet didn’t see much change to his finances. You’d think he would back his point and earn more whilst I’m off work as he has all the time in the world to work and go to the gym. Does anybody else agree or disagree that this is him saying sit your ass down and don’t go anywhere??

Anyhoo iv gone off track a bit….so we carried on arguing/discussing things back and forth and somehow came to the point where he first said “you’re thick” and followed that up with “you thick fucker” to me. I was shocked and said “I’m thick why?”. He said how do you expect me to pay bills if your working 2 days out of the 7 and going to add gym to that list?”. He said I’m just trying to keep him indoors locked away lol. I said my word you’ve not took advantage of the time iv been at home with the kids so how would me working and going to the gym affect your earnings?”. I have a career to which I won’t give up as I worked hard to get there . Today is now a day later, he came back in from work, I’m not speaking to him and he hasn’t said a word to me at all. Not even a text message. I mean we argue time to time and end up not talking to each other sometimes as I’m sure happens in other people marriages however I felt so sick after he used them words during our argument. The argument happened late at night when we were in bed and I turned over and just went to sleep. Whenever we do argue though he always always wins, as in I end up just going silent because I’m shit at arguing back. He calls me too sensitive as I just go silent during arguments.

Am I too sensitive? Overreacting?
Cross posted on AIBU too

OP posts:
UserBot99 · 30/12/2021 09:21

@Zanina

He is trying to put you in your place so he has the upper hand
yeh this.

Don't make the mistake of getting sucked in to a big court case where you try to establish where he really is for 4 hours of the day every day.

Focus instead on the fact that he has all of this freedom at your expense.

He is stealing your share of the freedom.

When you try to get one hour of freedom he calls you a thick fuck.

This is not going to get better. The sort of person who goes through life making sure that they get what they want at the expense of other people is not going to wake up one morning and think, do you know what, I get it now, this isn't fair! I've behaved badly, we deserve the same amount of freedom and responsibility, let's split it equally!

This isn't going to happen.

Don't waste years hoping that you can make him see

Get out while you're young.

Workinghardeveryday · 30/12/2021 09:28

No way is he in the gym for all that time.

I think he is getting stoned and coming back with the munchies, that’s why he called you thick because he is pulling the wool over your eyes.

He doesn’t want you going as you will find out and that puts an end to him getting stoned with his mates everyday. When you know about the times he has been getting stoned he will have been happy as no paranoia of the fear of being found out.

Can you put find a friend on his phone? I would, show him who the thick one is..

Outlyingtrout · 30/12/2021 09:30

I think I'd also question why my husband was spending massive amounts of family money and time on going to the gym and then spending more family money buying junk food afterwards too. There's nothing sinister in that.

OP, is this really what you want from your life?

He leaves all of the household drudgery and childcare to you while he spends 3-4 hours a night "at the gym".

He smokes weed, which he buys with family money.

He prevents you from having any time for yourself and blocks your attempt to go to the gym to improve your health.

He's agressive, nasty and emotionally abusive.

He doesn't value your contribution to the family in terms of either your work in the home (and the fact that you also do his share of this) or your paid part time work.

He has no respect for you and he sounds like a horrible man. He won't change so you need to decide what you are going to do to change your life.

BackBackBack · 30/12/2021 09:33

There's no chance in hell I would stay with a man who thinks it's acceptable to call me a "thick fucker".

But I also wouldn't stay with a weed smoker because I hate the smell and think it's a rank habit.

And I also wouldn't stay with someone that avoids family life and responsibilities by spending 3-4 hours every day at the gym (bet he's not just at the gym during that time).

So now that we've established that he's ride, lazy and selfish, what exactly are his good points and why are you staying with him?

BackBackBack · 30/12/2021 09:33

*rude.

FFS MN edit function please!!

BoredZelda · 30/12/2021 09:43

That comment is the least of your concerns. This relationship is toxic.

moremoony · 30/12/2021 09:48

He’s not doing any childcare right now then? The issue is he’s out of the house everyday doing his hobby and now you want a hobby and it should be 50/50. Say to him what days is he dropping to stay home with the baby so you can gym? He does monday Weds and Friday while you do Tuesday and Thursday. If he’s got a problem with that then this relationship is over. This is not ok.

KaptainKaveman · 30/12/2021 09:53

He can use the cash he spends on weed on bills and other home-running expenses.

seriously though, what an arsehole. OP try and use your knowledge that he's a loser to fuel your drive towards fitness and health. Without doubt, he is the 'thick fucker' in this situation.

Breastfeedingworries · 30/12/2021 09:54

I seriously doubt he’s at the gym, I had a bf (didn’t know I was the other women) I was the gym to his partner and she was the gym to me. He used to come over to me, eat, have an early meal, then say he was going to the gym and staying at his as closer to work. Get home to her and say he’d been at the gym Hmm

Breastfeedingworries · 30/12/2021 09:55

Also the cheeky fucker used to eat twice, meal at mine then she’d cook!! He never lost weight, so I sniffed a rat!

Breastfeedingworries · 30/12/2021 09:55

Also he’d be with me 3/4 hours max an evening.

HomeTheatreSystem · 30/12/2021 09:59

Would you be going to the same gym as him? He seems to want to keep you away from it for some reason. Any chance he's met someone there he's flirting with? His reaction to you saying you wanted to start going yourself seems very extreme, as you might expect if he were up to no good and didn't want you to find out. I thought the comment about he made about how you should address his eating desserts (ie be more supportive etc) was also very telling. Cherchez la femme!

HacerSonarSusPasos · 30/12/2021 10:01

Why's you have another baby with the asshole?

Fluffycloudland77 · 30/12/2021 10:02

I don’t think he’s going to the gym either.

Yousexybugger · 30/12/2021 10:04

He's a verbally abusive drug user who is denying you having any free time, and trying to stop you developing good habits for your health. I wouldn't bother cherchez-ing la femme, this would be offputting enough.

me4real · 30/12/2021 10:05

People don't go to the gym to get thin

@NynaeveSedai I get what you mean, but when most/a lot of people go to the gym they have a weight loss goal. It says in the OP that he's trying to lose weight.

People at the gym with a weight loss goal will do cardio etc to burn calories, or weights to boost their metabolism.

Of course it's not an either/or, but there are plenty of people who go to the gym who aren't doing it primarily to 'get strong.'

me4real · 30/12/2021 10:08

He shouldn'tve called you that @Somebodyotherbody , and if it's ok for him to go to the gym, it's ok for you to go too.

HacerSonarSusPasos · 30/12/2021 10:14

@Breastfeedingworries

Also the cheeky fucker used to eat twice, meal at mine then she’d cook!! He never lost weight, so I sniffed a rat!
Good lord, sounds like something out of a poorly written comedy! Must have been horrible to figure it out!
Nanny0gg · 30/12/2021 13:14

It doesn't matter whether he's at the gym or not.

Bottom line is that he's a waste of space and a shit father so why are you with him?

Geppili · 30/12/2021 13:19

Op, I knew it!

Geppili · 30/12/2021 13:22

Weed is really expensive. Do you have access to his bank statements? How is he affording that and the gym?

Somebodyotherbody · 30/12/2021 13:35

@Geppili
He gets say £20 out when purchasing it but I’m no expert tbh I don’t know how much that buys I have no idea! I don’t always see when he buys the stuff. Gosh iv argued so many times about the weed and told him to stop. He says I’m trying to control him by getting him to stop. I say eventually it can cause psychosis if used very often to which he says he smokes it around 3 times a week. I do believe the number of times he smokes as I can obviously tell when he’s high as soon as he comes home. He says I’m making it a bigger deal than it really is!! I hate the stuff! Hmm he says it’s to help him sleep as he suffers with insomnia. But really I say it contributes to no weight loss as he gets the munchies and makes him a happy happy person which obviously is what the weed does to you.

OP posts:
Somebodyotherbody · 30/12/2021 13:38

@Geppili and no I don’t have access to his bank statement both of us just use online banking and don’t get statements sent home. Absolutely, gym life isn’t cheap at all and what’s the point of gymming of theres no results over a period of time. Iv been very patient whenever I discuss gym or weed topic it’s im being “controlling”

OP posts:
Outlyingtrout · 30/12/2021 13:48

@Somebodyotherbody there’s no point arguing with him. You’re wasting your time. He is what he is. You have a choice to either put up with it or walk away.

Iamkmackered1979 · 30/12/2021 13:49

Certainly isn’t you who is thick. I think you’d be better off on your own. No way I’d put up with that he sounds like such a waste of space sorry op. Is he driving whilst high and coming home to you and the kids?