Beginning of signs of toxicity or genuinely circumstantial?

[tinsel34]

Ugh, I hate that I'm even writing this. Been dating partner for a year and a half, with the first year and two months being bliss. Honeymoon stage ended, all was still great. However, the last few months a few things have happened and my head is screaming at me that longterm I might be in for trouble. For context, we don't live together currently, but did live together during the pandemic and we did it well.

I don't want to be super specific, but the 'red flags' scenarios are as follows:

1. My family member was going through a hard time and came to stay with me in our city. My partner joined us multiple times for outings, it wasn't like I just ignored him! One day, I went to London alone with my family member and my partner sent me one word texts all day, ignored me when I sent normal, affectionate messages and ruined my day by being obviously annoyed and childish. I then invited my partner to our outing the following day with my family member, he agreed to come but last minute said he felt sick and got annoyed when I went anyway as I didn't want to cancel on my family member when was my partner felt mildly nauseous. Again, sent me one word text messages all night. I pushed it the back of my mind, but looking back, I have wondered if he was genuinely ill and just wanted to pull a sicky to try and get me not to go. I feel mean for even wondering, but amongst the passive aggressive comments, the ignoring me and then being mad I didn't stay in as he was ill... I feel icky about it. Am I an arsehole for not cancelling the day out with my family member who was only staying a short while as my partner was mildly ill?

2. When my partner does upset me, I tell him. I communicate. Frequently, this ends up with my partner ignoring me because he feels bad. Last time I said I was upset, I ended up comforting him after being ignored all night as I made him feel negative about himself. Even if I don't specifically ask, he goes quiet on me and ignores me if I ask him to be accountable! The weird part is, he always apologises and accepts he was wrong- He takes accountability but still ignores me.

3. Similar to the first one. My friend came over unexpected one Monday morning and I invited her in to not be rude. My partner had the day off, but we didn't have plans. That morning, I tried multiple times to suggest we do something and my partner didn't want to go. My friend invited us for lunch and we all went. On the way back, my partner ignored me and was very obviously upset. He then said it was because apparently he had wanted to spend the day together and by agreeing to go out for lunch, I had done a massive faux-pas.

4. When he does get annoyed, in examples like above, he makes sarcastic comments about me, a lot of them very childish. "I'm going to the shops, but I won't get you anything because you x." It's almost constant at times when he's annoyed.

It's at the point now where I feel anxious spending time with my friends or family- It's almost like as soon as he doesn't feel like he's getting enough attention, I'm bad. Every issue is around me spending time with people, particularly if I do it when my partner isn't in a great mood. For example, when my relative came to stay, my partner was at a football game and didn't act 'weird' once. His football game ended and I was still out and as soon as I said I wouldn't be back for some hours, the tone of his messages changed. He doesn't even always say he's upset with me, but there always seems to be something- if I'm not there, all of a sudden there's family problems or some reason he can use to need my support. He'll ignore me all day and brush it off with "Oh I was a bit depressed."

One occasion alone, I wouldn't question, but all of this.

I spoke to him about the incident when my friend came over (3) and he apologised and said it wasn't fair to ignore me, he was wrong and it was childish. That was a week ago and things have been great since. But all of this still happened and I'm also at how these issues popped up after a year. I've dated people before with red flags and it's always shown up much sooner- Not after a year!

He's also not jealous romantically- I have male friends, go out and he's never jealous or possessive.

My partner is going through a hard time due to a terminally ill family member, but that's not an excuse and quite honestly I'm very unsure of if I should even commit more at this point.

Thanks for the advice!

I would seriously reconsider the relationship. Otherwise you're not going to enjoy anytime that you are without him because you're going to get a lot of sulky and passive aggressive comments and behaviour.

Momijin- Is it bad in my head that I've decided it give it another month? We just had a conversation about the behaviour and I'm going to call out the behaviour every single time. If it happens again, it's over.

Get rid before 2022..why wait?

Acting like a possessive toddler is incredibly unsexy, not sure I could put up with this for long. Have you had a chat with him about this? If you really like him maybe laying your cards out sould help

I have mentioned it and we spoke it about it- I like him enough to see if it'll change. Maybe I'm being too generous here!

All else asside I'd be done at sarcasm alone. I don't want to date a sarcastic git. Its draining and I'd assume they were bitter as fuck and wanted me to be too. Life is too short for that.

I can honestly say I've never met a sarcastic adult who was a nice human being.

As for the other stuff, it does sound like the beginnings of training you to put his needs and desires before anyone elses. A lot of narcissists and similar throw strops when your attention is on anything that isn't them - so around holidays which aren't all about them like Christmas or if you are spending time with family over them. They get extra needy and if tou still don't focus on them, they throw strops. Or they find a way to 'punish' you at a later date. Eg: by embarrassing you infront of friends.

Deginately hold off on moving in with him while you suss things out.

Often red flags (and abuse) creeps up slowly so in theory you can definitely get a year in before these things show.

Maybe he was on his best behaviour at first and can't now sustain it. I think I'd end it.

He's immature, inconsiderate, sulky, rudely sarcastic, nasty and can't cope with a change in plans or spontaneity when life throws a curve ball! You have told us he's on his last strike but did you tell HIM this?

How old are you both

Run.

I wouldn't be giving him any more chances. So many examples of his controlling behaviour. He will never change. This is who he is.

You’ll end up isolated and dependent.

Now you have actually told him how you feel, l would absolutely give it one more go but if he tried that again, that would be it for me.
My ex used to do that - fake illness etc and l just blanked it but it is a horrible environment to live with

How old are you both?

Ime it won't get any better... My exh resented me seeing my own dc near the end... He did the one word texting if i was with my dm or a friend.. He ruined every night out I ever planned. Cancelled most of them and paid the price of I did go out. He flounced to the pub every week with money I had scrimped together but resented me spending in my dc.

You'll spend your life walking on eggshells trying to prevent his moods.
Get rid.

Definitely being too generous. He won’t change, they never do.

We are both mid-20s. Young but not exactly children- Some people our ages have children! Sorry for my short replies, I've been out so replying when I can.

I do love him but I am serious about the one more strike and I'm out. I've told him. However, I did admittedly only bring up the incident with my friend. I don't feel able to ask him about the feeling ill scenario as it's much easier to tell him I'm upset than accuse him of faking illness last month. I should have dealt with it then.

He said he was rude to me and that he knows he has been sarcastic to me 'when stressed.' His apology was unprompted- I said I felt upset by his comments and he then apologised for everything. So I didn't spoon feed him what to say.

The last week he's been making more of an effort but not dismarmingly so. I've been out with my family multiple times and not spent a lot of time with him the last few days. He has also brought it up again and apologised again, adding that 'now he has a clear head, he sees how childish it was.' Again, unprompted.

I'm going away next week with friends so I guess I'll see how that goes.

I'm keeping an eye on it and I'm also not 100% sure I can get past it either.

If I keep mentioning my family a lot- I'm staying with them for Christmas. I have my own apartment, etc, but I realise it does sound like I'm a teenager

These are red flags and you know it. You said yourself, you worry it could get worse over time. This sounds like my ex, always getting upset and down and sulky when I pulled him up on something. Upset if I spent time with friends and family. It gradually got worse, ended in verbal and emotional abuse. I couldn't see my friends without him sulky or insulting me/my friends or throwing furniture in anger. He even locked me inside the flat one time. I felt scared to see my friends and move my life. Gave me an especially hard time during my studies too (we moved in together when I was young, 18. First love etc bla bla bla). His excuse for his behaviour ? "I'm depressed. I'm depressed because my dad died 10 years ago... I have low self esteem. I have no father figure". He became more and more controlling. I managed to end it. You should end it too. You know deep down. Listen to your gut.

Yeah he’s a twat.
Get rid

To add, during the time his controlling behaviour was getting worse, my ex called me whilst I was out at a bar with my mate and shouted at me on the phone to come home or "he'd punch my teeth in". I was mortified. What do you say to your friend in a situation like that ?! I was scared and made up an excuse to leave and return to the flat but I was also shocked and angry with him. Didn't know how to handle the situation. Obviously in hindsight should have told him to fuck off but I was scared and embarrassed. Making up excuses to friends and family to HIDE his behaviour. Please leave him. This will only get worse. And even if his behaviour doesn't necessarily escalate, the fact that you're asking here shows you are already unhappy with his behaviour and know it's not ok.

Oh dear. He sounds like bloody hard work to me.

If you are going to give him another month, have a really good system of recording the behaviour so you dont drift into not doing anything. So maybe a diary or notes app with dates and copy out text messages so you can see it in black and white

@AD3000

Maybe he was on his best behaviour at first and can't now sustain it. I think I'd end it.

Yup this.

He’s done all the hard work luring you in and now you’re settled he’s starting to show his true personality.

You’re having to comfort him when he’s upset you??? Come on OP. Imagine your friend was describing this relationship to you.

He sounds deeply flawed. It’s not your responsibility to fix him.