Beginning of signs of toxicity or genuinely circumstantial?

[tinsel34]

Ugh, I hate that I'm even writing this. Been dating partner for a year and a half, with the first year and two months being bliss. Honeymoon stage ended, all was still great. However, the last few months a few things have happened and my head is screaming at me that longterm I might be in for trouble. For context, we don't live together currently, but did live together during the pandemic and we did it well.

I don't want to be super specific, but the 'red flags' scenarios are as follows:

1. My family member was going through a hard time and came to stay with me in our city. My partner joined us multiple times for outings, it wasn't like I just ignored him! One day, I went to London alone with my family member and my partner sent me one word texts all day, ignored me when I sent normal, affectionate messages and ruined my day by being obviously annoyed and childish. I then invited my partner to our outing the following day with my family member, he agreed to come but last minute said he felt sick and got annoyed when I went anyway as I didn't want to cancel on my family member when was my partner felt mildly nauseous. Again, sent me one word text messages all night. I pushed it the back of my mind, but looking back, I have wondered if he was genuinely ill and just wanted to pull a sicky to try and get me not to go. I feel mean for even wondering, but amongst the passive aggressive comments, the ignoring me and then being mad I didn't stay in as he was ill... I feel icky about it. Am I an arsehole for not cancelling the day out with my family member who was only staying a short while as my partner was mildly ill?

2. When my partner does upset me, I tell him. I communicate. Frequently, this ends up with my partner ignoring me because he feels bad. Last time I said I was upset, I ended up comforting him after being ignored all night as I made him feel negative about himself. Even if I don't specifically ask, he goes quiet on me and ignores me if I ask him to be accountable! The weird part is, he always apologises and accepts he was wrong- He takes accountability but still ignores me.

3. Similar to the first one. My friend came over unexpected one Monday morning and I invited her in to not be rude. My partner had the day off, but we didn't have plans. That morning, I tried multiple times to suggest we do something and my partner didn't want to go. My friend invited us for lunch and we all went. On the way back, my partner ignored me and was very obviously upset. He then said it was because apparently he had wanted to spend the day together and by agreeing to go out for lunch, I had done a massive faux-pas.

4. When he does get annoyed, in examples like above, he makes sarcastic comments about me, a lot of them very childish. "I'm going to the shops, but I won't get you anything because you x." It's almost constant at times when he's annoyed.

It's at the point now where I feel anxious spending time with my friends or family- It's almost like as soon as he doesn't feel like he's getting enough attention, I'm bad. Every issue is around me spending time with people, particularly if I do it when my partner isn't in a great mood. For example, when my relative came to stay, my partner was at a football game and didn't act 'weird' once. His football game ended and I was still out and as soon as I said I wouldn't be back for some hours, the tone of his messages changed. He doesn't even always say he's upset with me, but there always seems to be something- if I'm not there, all of a sudden there's family problems or some reason he can use to need my support. He'll ignore me all day and brush it off with "Oh I was a bit depressed."

One occasion alone, I wouldn't question, but all of this.

I spoke to him about the incident when my friend came over (3) and he apologised and said it wasn't fair to ignore me, he was wrong and it was childish. That was a week ago and things have been great since. But all of this still happened and I'm also at how these issues popped up after a year. I've dated people before with red flags and it's always shown up much sooner- Not after a year!

He's also not jealous romantically- I have male friends, go out and he's never jealous or possessive.

My partner is going through a hard time due to a terminally ill family member, but that's not an excuse and quite honestly I'm very unsure of if I should even commit more at this point.

Thanks for the advice!

A month is not long enough for a selfish brat to grow up.

The last week he's been making more of an effort but not dismarmingly so.
You already know he's a wanker. Be very, very careful not to be swayed by charming behaviour over the next month, because that's not who he is.

@Pinkbonbon

He doesn't have "attachment issues'. He is not an Boston terrier. He is controlling.

I do think that he probably demonstrate these controlling behaviours at some point in some way over the course of the month though. But perhaps not in the same way if he thinks op is onto him.

And the fact of the matter is, he doesn't really seem worth hanging around and watching.

Attachment issues is a therapeutic term. I would suggest he certainly has attachment issues which manifest themselves in him not tolerating sharing his partner with others.

Attachment issues drive highly destructive behaviours and are very difficult to resolve.

The mask is slipping - he's controlling, childish, petulant, a poor communicator, sarcastic and hurtful.

I'd bin him.

This is NOT circumstantial, he is a controlling man and is isolating you.

You said yourself you already feel weird about seeing friends and family.

I honestly think it will get to the point where it will feel easier to live with him, as you'll think he'll be satisfied as he gets you most of the time, and will chill out about you seeing family in friends. It won't it will only get worse.

So, he's apologised, now you're waiting to see if the behaviour comes back again. Maybe it won't. Or more likely, it will. And when it does, maybe he will apologise and you will be back to waiting. And you'll start to adapt your behaviour, too. Your boundaries get eroded and you accept more and more. Seeing your friends less etc just to keep things on an even keel. Because this kind of behaviour wears you down.

So you have to ask yourself if you want to spend your relationship waiting and seeing, which is basically what happens in the cycle of abuse?

You have every right to feel uncomfortable about his behaviour. And you have every right to a life where you don't feel guilty seeing friends and family.

I never comment on these threads but reading this gave me chills. Would you want this kind of relationship for a friend?

This is too many examples to be optimistic about. He sounds like bad news. A pp is right, last year wasn’t normal in terms of seeing lots of people. If this is how he behaves in normal times it sounds miserable.

You're not fully on the hook so he's still playing his best hand, hence the apologies and 'being contrite and reasonable' after acting very very not reasonable.... Hmmm actions/words match here? Nooooo they don't.
Now his cards are marked and he's on notice as you've told him. I predict he'll pull his socks up long enough to give you doubt over your own judgement, then it'll creep back but possibly only at times he can excuse (stressed at work, you've neglected him lately, you don't trust him...) perhaps he'll pull out a game changer like a marriage proposal which will massively move the focus and buy him time while he normalises it all some more....

I know its easier said than done, and I understand you want to be sure so you aren't looking back if you ever decide to walk away, but take note of all the wise advice you're getting so you don't miss the slow creeping process which is you losing sight of what's real and becoming more entangled in a relationship where you are walking on eggshells and don't even know when you started to do that. Boiled frog situation.

People mentioning that last year wasn't normal is a good point. We were barely apart. That is something I am thinking about.

I am still feeling a bit niggly about it- Yet I still feel the need to give it another month, to see if it changes.

Things have been normal today and yesterday. But also I know that is not enough to make a judgement on. I am paying close attention to everything said on this post.

In that case, I second pps advice about keeping a private record of any behaviour that feels off, and how you feel. You clearly have good instincts as you have picked up on this behaviour and have recognised it as red flags. I would urge you to keep trusting your instincts, as coercive control can work in subtle ways and end up making you question yourself. So the record is a good idea. I would also say that as this behaviour is often slow and subtle in the way it works on you, you may not get a really clear 'get out, now!' moment. And he might try to make you feel unreasonable. So I want to remind you that you deserve to feel comfortable in your relationship. If you don't feel comfortable and able to be yourself and live as you please, that is absolutely a good enough reason to end it. A good relationship should support and enrich your life, not limit it. I am really sorry you are having to go through this and am really glad you have reached out for advice and are thinking about it.

Please make sure you are never financially dependant on this man, as he will ramp this behaviour up.

I still feel a bit niggly about it

Please please listen to your instincts. You are only in your mid 20s. I wasted so much time on relationships with men like this at your age, and if I could go back in time and tell myself this, I would shout it from the rooftops! You deserve better, you really do - move on and be strong and wise. Wishing you all the best!

@trulyconfuseddotcom

I still feel a bit niggly about it

Please please listen to your instincts. You are only in your mid 20s. I wasted so much time on relationships with men like this at your age, and if I could go back in time and tell myself this, I would shout it from the rooftops! You deserve better, you really do - move on and be strong and wise. Wishing you all the best!

Yup yup yup.

Healthy relationships don't have niggles.

I am paying close attention to everything said on this post

You need to be paying close attention to that niggly feeling, not what other people are telling you. The niggly feeling is you trying to tell you something, and you're hoping that you'll shut up if you ignore you for long enough.

Keeping a diary is a great idea. My friend suggested it to me, so I started one. I wrote but never read back.
It was a huge shock to me, reading parts of it to the police through newly opened eyes. Things were happening to me and my children that I just could not see.

@WhenwillIlearntoadult

Keeping a diary is a great idea. My friend suggested it to me, so I started one. I wrote but never read back. It was a huge shock to me, reading parts of it to the police through newly opened eyes. Things were happening to me and my children that I just could not see.

Not as dramatic as this but I remember reading an old diary from back when I was with 'my soulmate' There were so many days where I was crying. I was shocked , when you are just living your life you somehow don't notice .

That’s very true @crochetmonkey74
While you’re living it, you don’t notice it because it’s just life.
I wasn’t trying to be dramatic 😂 I’m not yet far enough away from it to be more nonchalant. I remember the police asking if such a thing had happened and me saying I didn’t think so, until I opened the diary. Felt like a bit of a plum to be honest when I saw all the harassment in black and white.