Beginning of signs of toxicity or genuinely circumstantial?

[tinsel34]

Ugh, I hate that I'm even writing this. Been dating partner for a year and a half, with the first year and two months being bliss. Honeymoon stage ended, all was still great. However, the last few months a few things have happened and my head is screaming at me that longterm I might be in for trouble. For context, we don't live together currently, but did live together during the pandemic and we did it well.

I don't want to be super specific, but the 'red flags' scenarios are as follows:

1. My family member was going through a hard time and came to stay with me in our city. My partner joined us multiple times for outings, it wasn't like I just ignored him! One day, I went to London alone with my family member and my partner sent me one word texts all day, ignored me when I sent normal, affectionate messages and ruined my day by being obviously annoyed and childish. I then invited my partner to our outing the following day with my family member, he agreed to come but last minute said he felt sick and got annoyed when I went anyway as I didn't want to cancel on my family member when was my partner felt mildly nauseous. Again, sent me one word text messages all night. I pushed it the back of my mind, but looking back, I have wondered if he was genuinely ill and just wanted to pull a sicky to try and get me not to go. I feel mean for even wondering, but amongst the passive aggressive comments, the ignoring me and then being mad I didn't stay in as he was ill... I feel icky about it. Am I an arsehole for not cancelling the day out with my family member who was only staying a short while as my partner was mildly ill?

2. When my partner does upset me, I tell him. I communicate. Frequently, this ends up with my partner ignoring me because he feels bad. Last time I said I was upset, I ended up comforting him after being ignored all night as I made him feel negative about himself. Even if I don't specifically ask, he goes quiet on me and ignores me if I ask him to be accountable! The weird part is, he always apologises and accepts he was wrong- He takes accountability but still ignores me.

3. Similar to the first one. My friend came over unexpected one Monday morning and I invited her in to not be rude. My partner had the day off, but we didn't have plans. That morning, I tried multiple times to suggest we do something and my partner didn't want to go. My friend invited us for lunch and we all went. On the way back, my partner ignored me and was very obviously upset. He then said it was because apparently he had wanted to spend the day together and by agreeing to go out for lunch, I had done a massive faux-pas.

4. When he does get annoyed, in examples like above, he makes sarcastic comments about me, a lot of them very childish. "I'm going to the shops, but I won't get you anything because you x." It's almost constant at times when he's annoyed.

It's at the point now where I feel anxious spending time with my friends or family- It's almost like as soon as he doesn't feel like he's getting enough attention, I'm bad. Every issue is around me spending time with people, particularly if I do it when my partner isn't in a great mood. For example, when my relative came to stay, my partner was at a football game and didn't act 'weird' once. His football game ended and I was still out and as soon as I said I wouldn't be back for some hours, the tone of his messages changed. He doesn't even always say he's upset with me, but there always seems to be something- if I'm not there, all of a sudden there's family problems or some reason he can use to need my support. He'll ignore me all day and brush it off with "Oh I was a bit depressed."

One occasion alone, I wouldn't question, but all of this.

I spoke to him about the incident when my friend came over (3) and he apologised and said it wasn't fair to ignore me, he was wrong and it was childish. That was a week ago and things have been great since. But all of this still happened and I'm also at how these issues popped up after a year. I've dated people before with red flags and it's always shown up much sooner- Not after a year!

He's also not jealous romantically- I have male friends, go out and he's never jealous or possessive.

My partner is going through a hard time due to a terminally ill family member, but that's not an excuse and quite honestly I'm very unsure of if I should even commit more at this point.

Thanks for the advice!

He may be immature or he may be controlling and wiping make your life a misery.

By all means give him another chance but please make sure you don't alter your behaviour. I ended up altering my behaviour slowly so as not to suffer the repercussions. And it wasn't anywhere near as extreme as you've experienced.

I have a family member that wants to be with his wife all the time. They've been married 60 years and she's happy with it but I would find it completely suffocating.

Urgh

I would run for the hills. I had one a bit like this and he turned into a total controlling nightmare. Sorry.

He’s controlling and manipulative and you’re going to regret staying in a relationship with him.

Make your trip away his final 'test' or you really are wasting your life. The best years too!!

5yrs I spent with someone like this. Slowly drip feeding good behaviour and then sulking and giving me the silent treatment when he wasn’t happy. Despite his ‘I won’t ignore you again’ ..you guessed it..he did it again..they can’t change. It’s a horrible way to live..I’d run

Don’t ignore those red flags - he sounds like an utter pain in the arse.

And to add to my earlier comment, he may be able to control himself for the next month but it will slide afterwards. I was in relationship like this and wasted years of my life walking on eggshells. It's good you're so aware, don't ignore your instincts.

If you really like him then set your boundaries now or you end up with a person that wants to dominate all your time. I’ve been there!

If you spent time living together over lockdown it could be this is the first time you’ve really had a more active social life what with covid and the first flush of a new relationship- which could be why it’s taken a while for this behaviour to start to really kick in.

It sounds like he’s got some ability to take responsibility and to see where he’s been out of order, but is saying the words and not backing it up fully with actions.

I think giving him one more month to see if he is able to fully take responsibility and stop being so possessive is a good idea IF you want to give him one last chance - but be really strict about that month.

He let his mask slip too soon, before you were completely hooked. Most abusers wait until marriage or pregnancy before they let the mask slip. If he could keep his nice guy mask on for the past year, he can do it for much more than a month. He will be lovely again until you are hooked, then the mask will come off but it will be harder for you to run. Run Now.

This will not get better. I was in a relationship like this for 25 years! He will modify his behaviour for a while to appease you and then will turn the screw a little tighter. You will end up not knowing who you are.
You have realised now what is going on. Do the right thing for you and be free!

From experience - get out, get out NOW.

Healthy relationships don't trigger the question 'Is this a red flag..?'

Can you really be arsed with this behaviour?

To be fair I think the complaint on point 3 is fair if you had agreed/indicated that this day would be just you two relaxing at home together or going out and doing something together.

The rest reminds me of an ex. She was very bad at communication. The silent treatment was awful. Always treading on eggshells to avoid it.

I would leave

Sounds very stressful

Get rid

Have you made a note in your diary... the date he said he understood, when you said one more and you're out?

You're in your 20s and that's bad enough. I have an almost 60year old BIL who dumped his first serious partner after his 30 year marriage ended. Her crime was being in low contact with him for a week, whilst she buried the grandparent who raised her, who BIL had never met, who lived in a different country, early summer last year.

He did it by text because she hadn't spoken to him he wasn't going to speak to her and maybe she should think before she took people for granted and left them hanging. The day after the funeral.

Some people just don't ever gain emotional maturity. You may have found one who doesn't.

I can't help but wonder if last Christmas was good because you couldn't socialise with your friends and family. If it had been a normal Christmas I think you would have seen this behaviour then.

You need a way of recording events in a neutral manner that he can't see. Even if it seems little and silly write down how he talks to you etc. I think giving it a month is silly when you could start the new year afresh and most people aren't going out in January anyway.

Bin him immediately. This will not improve and will be a total joy-killer as it grinds on year after year.

What hard work that sounds like. I'd dump him as soon as possible. Nothing will change in the next month.

This behaviour is called coercive control.

He behaves in a certain way to get you to change your plans / stop being annoyed with you / get his way.

He is showing you who he is and that won't change. Don't waste another minute on him

Thank god you don't live with him now, keep it that way

After a year, to give it another month is a good plan, I think.

It helps you observe him, boosting your certainty that you are doing the right think. Sudden break ups can result in taking people back / cycling and since there is no violence or really abusive behaviour, this seems safe.

It also gives you the chance to practice confidently communicating your needs and asserting boundaries. This will stand you on good stead and you can be proud of yourself.

Breaking up this time of year is likely to involve more drama, guilt tripping and the like.

I don't think he will change. I also disagree he will be able to hide these behaviours for a month. People misunderstand this idea of 'putting on an act' a little. If he suffers from attachment issues to the extent he cannot share you with others, he will not be able to hide this, especially as you now know.

He doesn't have "attachment issues'. He is not an Boston terrier. He is controlling.

I do think that he probably demonstrate these controlling behaviours at some point in some way over the course of the month though. But perhaps not in the same way if he thinks op is onto him.

And the fact of the matter is, he doesn't really seem worth hanging around and watching.