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Original poster

What now?

51 replies

Camelflage · 29/12/2021 01:12

Earlier today my DH (of 20 years) made the most disgusting, misogynistic 'joke' whilst on the phone with (adult) DSS. I won't repeat it but I'm not at all easily offended and it really, really offended me so that tells you how bad the 'joke' actually was. He had no excuse when I told him how it had made me feel, just got all defensive and 'it was only a joke' about it, I've said I don't want to discuss it anymore now I've told him how it made me feel and asked him to just leave me alone, which he has.

But I don't know wtf I'm meant to do now, I feel like he's not who I thought he was if he finds misogyny amusing and I don't know how I'm ever going to be able to look at him the same way again. It seems ridiculous to throw away a long marriage over one joke but it feels like I've had a glimpse of the real him and everything else has been a lie and now I'm living with a stranger who hates women instead of my husband. I just feel utterly disgusted with him and don't know how I'm ever going to get past this.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 29/12/2021 01:17

I'm so sorry, op. How awful. I can relate to a certain extent as this scenario happened with a cousin of mine and I was never able to look at him the same way again. I can't even imagine if it were my husband.

Hotpinkangel19 · 29/12/2021 01:17

I think you need to give us an idea of the joke to get some helpful advice.

Original poster
Camelflage · 29/12/2021 01:36

Hotpinkangel19 he described a tuna sandwich he'd eaten earlier as 'like an old gash', I feel sick just typing that Envy(not envy)

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 29/12/2021 01:37

If it was a pattern of behaviour over the years and this was last straw - it’d be understandable.
But surely - you have observed him over 20 years. Surely his actual behaviour over that time counts more than the a joke? Any joke, really?

People do and can get offended over all kinds of things. And different jokes can offend/affect us differently - depending ok what else is going ok in our lives.
Are you absolutely sure you are objective here and nothing else is going on with you or in your life?
Have you tried talking to a friend who knows you both - and running it by them - just to get a second opinion?

If you are actually just tired of your H and want to divorce - you don’t need a reason. Is it possible that subconsciously you are trying to justify your desire to separate to yourself?

Alternatively - are you possibly mid-40s? A few of my friends in this age somehow felt that they aren’t happy to be in their relationships anymore as they didn’t want you get along with the H’s they no longer could relate to. I heard that often as women become peri/menopausal - they become less ‘agreeable’ and claim their lives for themselves.

Christoncrutches · 29/12/2021 01:44

@Camelflage

Hotpinkangel19 he described a tuna sandwich he'd eaten earlier as 'like an old gash', I feel sick just typing that Envy(not envy)
Hmmm pretty foul remark, esp in convo with his son, but not sure its worth throwing a marriage away for… not if he’s otherwise respectful.

Definitely express your feeling though so he sees this is something you consider unacceptable.

tortoiselover100 · 29/12/2021 02:18

Ok so that saying is disgusting, and shouldn't be used. I don't think it makes him a complete misogynist though, he was trying to raise a smile by using an outdated way of speaking and it seems badly judged. Not worth ending the relationship but definitely worth a conversation about how it makes you feel, why it isn't acceptable etc.

Original poster
Camelflage · 29/12/2021 02:33

Most of the time he's respectful but just occasionally it's like I get a glimpse of someone else, I have always struggled to trust him because of this. Past incidents haven't been as bad as this but he has made comments and used language I find offensive before and I've always been clear about what I find acceptable. I don't particularly want to throw my marriage away, despite everything I genuinely love him and it would be devastating if we split for lots of different reasons, I just don't know how to get past the revulsion I feel about what he said.

I am in my 40's and well into peri MMmomDD, and it has caused issues between us but we've actually been in the best place we've ever been for the last year or so after working through those issues so it's not that I want an excuse to leave him, far from it. I am probably more 'sensitive' (for want of a better word) to misogyny than I used to be, partly due to the stage of life I'm at I think and definitely partly because of awful cases like Sarah Everard's murder, too many of them in recent months. But that's not a comment I would ever have found acceptable and he knows it, more to the point he presents himself 99% of the time as someone who doesn't think or speak that way, it's like it just slips out sometimes. But does that mean that's really the way he thinks about women all the time and the rest is just a pretence?

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 29/12/2021 03:42

That's a gross and vulgar comment but I wouldn't jump to 'he is a mysoginist, I gotta divorce him' him for it.

I thought you were gonna say he made a joke about a celeb being a trollop or something along those lines.

Tbh, I think you're overreacting.
And I broke up with last guy I dated purely on the basis of a couple of mysoginistic comments.

Doyoumind · 29/12/2021 03:52

I'm in my 40s and won't put up with misogyny but I think this is an overreaction.

Original poster
Camelflage · 29/12/2021 03:56

It's less that I'm jumping to 'I must divorce him' and more that I'm not sure how to get past the way it's made me feel. Right now I well and truly have the ick and can't imagine ever wanting to have sex with him again, it feels like he's tainted it by speaking about female genitals that way.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 29/12/2021 04:00

Yeah well you're perfectly entitled to feel put off by his comments tbf, they were... in bad taste (don't make the joke...don't make the joke xD) ahem...

Not a nice thing for him to say to his son or infront of his wife that's for sure.

GiveOverIrene · 29/12/2021 04:07

There are some low bars on here. I couldn't in a million years imagine my husband making a remark like that, it just wouldn't happen. And, like you, if he did I would wonder who the hell I was married to.

A 'joke' like that is very revealing, and the fact it was with his son makes you wonder how they both view women. They're disgusting, yet women on here are queuing up to downplay it. Have we really sunk so low?

Original poster
Camelflage · 29/12/2021 04:19

I'm far from a prude but it's way over the line in my book GiveOverIrene, I'm surprised at the responses tbh. I hate that feeling that he's someone else when I'm not around and that's how this has made me feel, like he's accidentally let the mask slip.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 29/12/2021 04:56

But you'd think you would have noticed long before now if he was raging mysoginist right?

Honestly it just sounds like the sort of gross thing I would say myself when pissing about with my mates without giving it a second thought. I wouldn't be bothered if a male mate said it either.

But yeah it would probably give me the ick too if my partner said it in earshot of me tbf.

If that's really the worst in 20 years though I wouldnt call it mysoginistic.

But if it puts you off him then that's fair enough.
I'd probably just have fired back with a joke about penisis personally. Something about him preferring hotdogs for lunch in future maybe.

The immediate jump to ick would imply to me that maybe the marriage has run its course already and this is just another obvious indicator for you.

ChristmasFluff · 29/12/2021 13:21

WTAF?? This is raging misogyny. I don't know any man who would use such an expression, and if anyone said such a thing to my son, they'd have had the phone put down on them, so it sounds like the apple hasn't fallen far from the tree.

You absolutely have seen the mask slip. No wonder you don't want to have sex with him.

He hasn't even owned that he's out of order - just used the fucking 'bants' excuse.

Thank goodness there are still some people around who have higher standards than to accept this kind of shit from men.

Original poster
Camelflage · 29/12/2021 16:11

He's not speaking to me now, I told him to leave me alone last night and he will take that completely literally. Which is fine, I can't even look at him. The rage has died down a bit now but I still feel utterly disgusted and have no idea how to move forward.

OP posts:
crochetmonkey74 · 29/12/2021 16:16

God I would be disgusted too. Its crass, and harsh and just deeply misogynistic.
Women have been socialised to have such low standards about what men will say. How would your husband judge a woman like this? If he heard you or a friend saying some food was like 'old cock'

Calamitydrayne · 29/12/2021 16:23

Of course I'm guessing you've never made any crude references to a man's genitals in your life....

Original poster
Camelflage · 29/12/2021 16:26

Pretty sure I haven't Calamitydrayne no, it's not my kind of humour.

OP posts:
SunflowerTed · 29/12/2021 16:36

I think you are massively overreacting sorry. I have high standards but you are judging your husbands whole personality and questioning a whole 20 year marriage in a crass joke? Sorry I find they very worrying

SunflowerTed · 29/12/2021 16:38

@Pinkbonbon

But you'd think you would have noticed long before now if he was raging mysoginist right?

Honestly it just sounds like the sort of gross thing I would say myself when pissing about with my mates without giving it a second thought. I wouldn't be bothered if a male mate said it either.

But yeah it would probably give me the ick too if my partner said it in earshot of me tbf.

If that's really the worst in 20 years though I wouldnt call it mysoginistic.

But if it puts you off him then that's fair enough.
I'd probably just have fired back with a joke about penisis personally. Something about him preferring hotdogs for lunch in future maybe.

The immediate jump to ick would imply to me that maybe the marriage has run its course already and this is just another obvious indicator for you.

Totally agree
Pinkbonbon · 29/12/2021 16:42

All that was really needed was 'please don't use that language in front of me' (and if he did again in future then maybe you'd have a problem) But you've got yourself so raging that you've told him not to talk to you. If after 20 years of marriage you can't have a conversation about respect without one or both of you throwing a strop, then you've bigger problems than crass jokes.

secretgirl · 29/12/2021 16:48

40 something year old here and I think its actually a funny description BlushSmile. Vulgar yes but something I could see myself and my friends saying amongst ourselves.
We must be wrong 'uns. 🤣

2022beesknees · 29/12/2021 16:51

What a revolting thing to say.
Could be the start of dementia?

crochetmonkey74 · 29/12/2021 17:19

You definitely could ask him to not say it again , but I think what OP is saying is it is not so much what he said, it's the fact it came in his head to say it, it kind of reveals something about him she didnt know. It would upset me too