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Original poster

He's gone back for his children

53 replies

FinallyAccepted · 28/12/2021 07:46

I'm going to sound very dramatic but I met my soulmate. He is everything to me and it just felt so right. However, we were both fresh out of relationships and I wonder if this was more rebound or a bond over new found freedom. There is no denying we are ridiculously similar in our outlook, goals and the way we conduct ourselves. I've never met any one like him. Even more ridiculous I fell head over heels in love with him and I do believe he felt the same about me.

I always knew things would be tough for him surrounding his children. He loves them more than anything else in the world as he should. With Christmas approaching I could see the pain he was in not spending all his time with them. He has now made the decision to go back to his children and wife. I honestly wish him happiness and success going forward because I do believe he deserves this.

Now for the selfish bit. I am crushed. I feel lost and defeated. It physically hurts in my chest and I feel sick most of the time. What a crazy way to feel maybe but I cannot control it. However, I need too. How do I move on from this?

OP posts:
Ladybugzrock · 28/12/2021 08:58

Did you have an affair with this man?

spotcheck · 28/12/2021 09:02

How long were you together?

You just move forward. Spend time on your own and leave him be.

There's a really good reason why it's wise to get over one relationship before jumping into another.

Gloriagayn · 28/12/2021 09:05

First relationship after becoming “free” again can be very intense. The feelings will pass over time but you must block him.

WarmWhiteXmasLights · 28/12/2021 09:06

Tale as old as time, unfortunately, OP; men running back to their wives when they realise the grass wasn’t greener.

How long were you together?

Theunamedcat · 28/12/2021 09:06

No one goes back "just" for the kids if they have something better

Gooders1105 · 28/12/2021 09:08

Time for being on your own now. It will be painful but those hurt feelings will pass. Write them down, journal it. That really helped me. Also make a list of what you plan to do next year; what are your favourite things to go? Got me, it was live music, reading, travel, theatre. Then contact your friends and plan to do said activities. Have things to look forward to. It will pass.

Gooders1105 · 28/12/2021 09:09

*favourite things to do
*for me, it was…
Thought I’d proofread

User2638483 · 28/12/2021 09:15

It’s horrible for you because it ended abruptly when it sounds like it was still in the fresh, very intense stage. In all likelihood if you’d stayed together at best you would’ve settled into a more familiar less exciting state, and at worse he would’ve started to irritate you/you would have realised he wasn’t all that.
But it’s hard when something with promise is cut short. Be kind to yourself, the feeling will pass. Try to wait around and see if it works out for him. Whatever you do don’t be his bit on the side.

IncompleteSenten · 28/12/2021 09:15

Did you leave your respective relationships to be together or meet for the first time after your relationships ended?

I ask because there can be different reasons things don't work out if there was a crossover or if it was rebound.

User2638483 · 28/12/2021 09:16

Try NOT to wait around and see if it works out for him!!
Crucial typo!

Xxrzx · 28/12/2021 09:16

Most married men will not leave their wife and kids.. move on and don't get hurt even more

Bluntness100 · 28/12/2021 09:17

How long were you together. I think you need to be more honest with yourself, he’s went back to his wife. Because that’s who he wishes to be with, I’m sorry.

Dozer · 28/12/2021 09:18

You’re romanticising him and the relationship. Odds were never good of the relationship working out well, given the circumstances. You chose to date him anyway, this is just how it’s panned out.

wakeuphw · 28/12/2021 09:19

@Theunamedcat

No one goes back "just" for the kids if they have something better
This is simply not true. There are all sorts of reasons people stay in a marriage and not all of these reasons are because the marriage is better. Finances being one!!
Shehasadiamondinthesky · 28/12/2021 09:20

There is no such thing as a soul mate, just initial feelings of love and lust which eventually wear off.
Better to stand back now now with a clear head and take a good look at the situation. It sounds like you are on a hiding to nothing.
He has history with his wife and children and none with you. He is not in the right place for a new relationship.

wakeuphw · 28/12/2021 09:23

OP, now is a time to be kind to yourself, it doesn't matter if the relationship was quite quickly after a separation. You feelings are still valid. It's going to be a bit of a grief process. Grief isn't something only the bereaved feel. It can be any kind of loss. Expect ups and downs. Hold onto knowing these feelings won't last forever.

santaclothes · 28/12/2021 09:28

He hasn't gone back for his children. Get real. He could be a father without the relationship with their mother. He has chosen her.

Original poster
FinallyAccepted · 28/12/2021 09:28

We were both single when we met and just hit it off. We met through a shared hobby we'd both re started doing. It was just chance.

As much as I'm hurting I do wish him luck. He only spoke highly of his wife but that they had separate lives. My relationship broke down quite dramatically so I am very wary. But I let him in and now I wish I hadn't.

OP posts:
Fairylights25 · 28/12/2021 09:32

He is not your soul mate, he is a cheat and a liar and you are well shot of him.

See it as a lucky escape, best case you and him would have a 'fairytale ending' with a marriage and he would soon be finding his next 'soul mate' additionally with the added pressure of step children. How could you trust him?

The worse case scenario is that you waste your life as he bounces between you and his family for the next few decades.

You are worth more than this, be happy he has gone and vow to stay away from married men going forward.

Ladybugzrock · 28/12/2021 09:33

@FinallyAccepted is read up on limerance. It’s passing and fleeting. You’ve idolised a man who wasn’t ready to commit to you. You’re looking at him through rose tinted glasses. It’s really important that you now move on. No one completes you. You are responsible for your happiness, there is no knight on shining armour. You need to heal from your previous relationship before launching into another. Make that your priority and for the sake of this family do not have any contact with this man again.

Fairylights25 · 28/12/2021 09:35

He was never single op, if he were he would not be 'going back' to anything would he.

LowlandsAway · 28/12/2021 09:35

Perfectly possible to be a father without going back to his ex. Grass wasn’t greener, sorry.

ShesMadeaTwatOfMePam · 28/12/2021 09:35

Was he love bombing you? Such intenseness very early on a red flag for a man who might be mirrorring you, telling you what you want to hear to reel you in. I also wonder if him and his ex had actually broken up or if you were his bit on the side. You can do much better than him Flowers

christmaskittenincoming · 28/12/2021 09:36

@Fairylights25

Why is he a cheat and a liar?

itwasntaparty · 28/12/2021 09:36

He's gone back for the life he had, he's realised the grass isn't greener!