He's gone back for his children

[FinallyAccepted]

I'm going to sound very dramatic but I met my soulmate. He is everything to me and it just felt so right. However, we were both fresh out of relationships and I wonder if this was more rebound or a bond over new found freedom. There is no denying we are ridiculously similar in our outlook, goals and the way we conduct ourselves. I've never met any one like him. Even more ridiculous I fell head over heels in love with him and I do believe he felt the same about me.

I always knew things would be tough for him surrounding his children. He loves them more than anything else in the world as he should. With Christmas approaching I could see the pain he was in not spending all his time with them. He has now made the decision to go back to his children and wife. I honestly wish him happiness and success going forward because I do believe he deserves this.

Now for the selfish bit. I am crushed. I feel lost and defeated. It physically hurts in my chest and I feel sick most of the time. What a crazy way to feel maybe but I cannot control it. However, I need too. How do I move on from this?

He wasn't emotionally ready to move on. Many people who split up go back.
It's going to take time for you because you too were raw from a recent break up
I know it's hard but what you really need to do now is stay single. Have a period of time where you remove even the idea of a relationship and just take care of yourself

Oooo so I sort of sympathize from a similar situation. I did the pick me dance, lost it and then spent the next 2.5 (possibly 3 years) utterly heartbroken, full of self-hate, feeling 2 inches tall in all areas of my life.. and possibly mild PTSD.

That romantic biochemistry can really do a number on you can't it.

I'm completely out the other side now. You will be too, but it's no good you hearing that today because you're still in the thick of it.

Here is what the me today would say to 2017 me:

• cut contact. This doesn't mean you won't think of him, look him up etc...but at least save face and cease all communication. No responding...nothing. If you bump into him treat him as you would a very old school acquaintance.

• be aware of how this heartbreak could affect other areas of your life. In my case, my feeling of worthlessness seeped into my career. My work suffered as a result of my confidence crisis, sudden inability to make decisions etc. Just keep an eye out.

• Tell someone. A problem shared is a problem halved. Then you can say "oh nothing just having a bad day today re Fred" or whatever his name was.

• on that topic, you will have good days and bad days. They are all fine and welcome.

• social media tells you nothing at all.

• do at least one thing every day, for you. Something for you. Wash your hair, feed your body good food, exercise...

• Google "mental first aid". I forget the name of the psychologist but he is great.

I don't care if you were having an affair or whatever....heartbreak is heartbreaking and what you are feeling is valid. Xxx

It was Guy Winch and emotional hygiene/first aid

He has spoken on some good interviews, podcasts and tedxtalks

Lots of good tips from BlueCupOrangeCup!

If you don’t have DC and want them, IMO it’s important to minimise time lost recovering from this break up.

How long had they been separated and how long were you together?

You probably only got to see the side he wanted you to see and he agreed with your life goals rather than actually having them himself.

Honestly I doubt they will last.
They may stay together for a couple of weeks or a couple of years but eventually they will split up as it was the Christmas period that made him miss being with the family but whatever issues they once had will probably be there.

I think you need to prepare yourself that one day he might want you back - which sounds great but remember he left you without a second thought and can easily do it again.

you are well shot

Another thing -

Progress is not always linear. You'll think one day you've been doing alright and then your reaction to something will blind side you. (In my case his news of his engagement). You'll wonder if you have moved on even an inch....that is absolutely fine and normal. (P.s spoiler alert - you will have indeed made progress)

It doesn't go beautifully straight lined from Heartbroken >>to >> over it...despite what chick flicks and Hollywood would have you think.

Even if your line looks like a 2 year old's drawing of Canterbury cathedral whilst their eyes were glued in the other direction to Cbeebies - that's okay. You'll get there.

Really painful OP, you did nothing wrong except maybe not keep some brakes on the relationship. But that hasn’t harmed anyone else.

I don’t think there is any magic cure for getting over the loss of a relationship, but there are things G’s that make it harder, mostly covered by Pp.

Bit by bit rebuild / rediscover your own world, around you. Friends, activities, self-improvement of some kind.

It hurts now, it will, it really will, get better in time.

Here's a different spin on things... I'm the wife!

My husband and I separated and he tried desperately to get me back. I still loved him and missed him but wanted things to change and they never did, and when he went on a date with another woman ( after 6 months ) I admit I was bit like shiittt and started discussions with him about what we needed to do to make things work. We then then went through this horrible period of him feeling I was 'only want him when someone else wanted him ' and rightly so ! so he persued a 'relationship' with this other woman. I use inverted commas as within 5 days they were telling each other they loved each other and planning all sorts it was ridiculous ( although of course he told me that it was just her but I know him, and how he love bombs and I know that wouldn't have just been the case ) anyway they lasted a few weeks on and off, he left her a couple times to try to work things out with me and she was pretending to self harm and all sorts of nonsense, she had zero responsibilities and lives were not aligned as they first though. Eventually, he completely ghosted her and as much of a mug as I probably am we're trying to move on past it all. Because we do love each other and at one time we're very happy and we have both realised the grass isn't greener.

You won't know what conversations he's been having with his wife OP - he will have said all sorts to you im sure which is heartbreaking for you and I deeply feel for you and the woman that was involved with my Dh but please don't idealise this relationship than anything other than a rebound he love bombed you ( it sounds like you love bombed each other in fairness ) and in the future don't jump in so quickly - keep your heart safe.

Move on you deserve better .... and unless they've got their decree nisi be very wary as it's common for people to split and soon realise it's not what they want.

Wishing you all the best! X

army2426 Your post suggests that your ex hadn’t shown willingness / ability to address the behaviours you’d broken up over, then started dating, treated his new GF badly, and rather than him continue to date other people you took him back anyway, accepting ‘the deal’? Then he gave you a hard time over having done so.

He sounds like a git! And you’re likely in for more of the same.

OP, you're asking in the wrong place. On the forum all men are cheating arseholes and if they're not actually cheating, they're just waiting for the next person to cheat on.

It is more than possible to go back for the kids. Look at all the threads on here from women wondering whether to leave and staying for the kids ( or money!). Good parents put their child's needs before their own, and if the relationship isn't horrendous, then a lot will keep trying. Seperation is just one step further but if you have two people that were living seperate lives who would ordinarily split, then yes they may try again for the kids. I say this as someone that has been there.

Who knows what the future may bring, but you can't put your life on hold. Keep going, keep achieving, keep being you. The future may bring you back together, the future may bring you better. Concentrate on yourself and healing. If he loves you enough, he can make that choice, unfortunately you have no control over that, just over what you yourself do

Alot give good advice here, so I'm just gonna echo them.

All I want to say is if he NOT divorce, then he NOT single. Unless he finalize his divorce when he met you, if not, again, he not single.

People really determined to read it like op is the other woman aren’t they

People do get single and pursue new things and also decide to go back to their exes I have done it once myself - no cheating involved

Sorry you feel so shit op but it’s for the best in the long run I think to just try make a fresh start

Thank you all for your advice. Maybe the grass for him wasn't greener I don't know. I do know he was separated though but of course I don't know everything because sometimes too much knowledge is a bad thing as well as too little.

@BlueCupOrangeCup thank you for the tips and advice. I will certainly follow it.

@army2426 I really hope things work out best for you. However that may be. I think you're right about the love bombing from both sides. I came out of a rather loveless relationship so maybe I was too desperate to find someone to love and love me in return. I'm sorry if that sounds sad.

@2015StayAtHomeWife maybe my choice of the word single was wrong. He is married but he was separated from his wife and living apart. Apologies for the incorrect terminology

I think you'll be able to handle this.

It's so difficult for you right now as you are in the grips of that longing for him, but I think it will subside over time. You are at a disadvantage in some ways because you got a flattering snapshot of him and so your imagination is left to fill in the gaps.

Maybe all those great qualities about him are true, but you never got to see any other ones which could really negatively affect how you might view him.

I would recommend cutting contact, and not interfering with his family life.

It isn't you, he just realised he was better off with his much loved children, probably housework and laundry all done, nice cosy bed in a nice cosy house and that way he does not stand to lose 50% of everything he has worked all of his life for. His feelings for his wife are unknown but I am assuming their marriage can not have been that bad for him to return when he had a new life with you. It is not a reflection on you at all op. It is not a competition, but with the best will in the world you are unable to offer much of the above, and he has probably weighed up his options in the cold light of day.

People separate all of the time, it does not mean they will remain so. He was still technically and legally married, so there was always a risk getting involved with him.

I feel sorry for his wife, I wonder if she knows about you.

You will go on to better things, so this one didn't work out, but the next one might. High standards next time, and choose someone that is emotionally and legally available so that you do not waste your time.

christmas he is a cheat and a liar because he was not actually single at all, he was separated but still married!

He could easily stay with op and see his children for 50% of the time, he hasn't gone back for his children despite what he has said to op, he has chosen to go back to his family and wife.

One question - why would the wife accept him back?

I think what the OP meant was at the time of meeting, they were both free agents to date. (I.e no cheating about it) Some call that single, some don't. Either way most people understood what she meant.

@FinallyAccepted another thing I thought of. Don't compare your 'getting-over-it-timelime' to anyone else's. When people recount how they moved on from heartbreak they give you the highlight reel...the bits where they triumphed, the bits where they managed with sheer willpower alone to never search him on social media, they instantly stopped talking about him just like that....(Doubt it)

Try not to wallow forever obviously but what I'm saying is people recount the glorious highlight reel not the full feature length 4k HD ugly sh!t storm of moments that they wouldn't be proud of....

Just saying.

Nature wants us pregnant so it floods us with cuddle hormones which we read as 'in love'. Our bodies and brains love the feeling so when it goes we're like addicts deprived of the hit.

But being away from the children must have been incredibly painful for him. And who knows, the separation from his wife may have made him realise that was where he truly wanted to be.

I'm sorry this has happened. But there's a re-formed family there with children to consider - and that's why it's time to walk away, accept it was a brief part of your life, and keep out of theirs.

The limerance will wear off and you'll be able to look back without pain. But it's going to take time. Let it pass. Take care of yourself and go forward.

Do you think his wife knows about you and the feelings you shared?

I would suspect he's underplayed it hugely.

he was never available not even to his wife and kids

in future for all parties sakes ensure that:

the ink on the absolute not just the nisi is dry

he has had at least a couple of years away from 'relationships' to avoid catching him on the rebound.

if it was serious at all you would each be taking it carefully and seriously.

He is where he should be - with his family

He'll be back.