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Original poster

Follow on from the secrecy thread. Need a hand hold

77 replies

scorpiogirly · 27/12/2021 11:57

I haven’t posted for a few days.

Basically new boyfriend was keeping me a secret from his ex as he thought she would go insane.

We had words again about it and he finally told her last night. She called him immediately. He said she took it better than he thought she would. Then she text him saying she wasn’t happy. Then proceeded to go through my Facebook looking for something she could use against me. I have gender Cristal views and she saw something I posted ages ago, send it to him and said that she doesn’t want me around her son for this reason and hinted at social services if I was.

He’s essentially ended the relationship on her say so as he is scared that she will stop him seeing their son.

I’m not sure what I am looking for here. Just need to get it out as no one to talk to in real life about it. Im hurt, but also do smacked that he could just bin me and the relationship off like this.

OP posts:
Dozer · 28/12/2021 08:31

Wow, you’re now getting sucked in agaim and further fuelling the drama. So what if your new ex’s ex phones your old ex? Just ignore!

You seem focused on your ex’s ex rather than your ex’s extensive crappy behaviour. Had you paid more attention to the latter you could have avoided a lot of hassle.

AutumnWinterSpring · 28/12/2021 08:57

Regarding the trans issue, I am not anti trans in the slightest. What I don't like is men claiming to be actual women to gain access to women and the erosion of our words and rights. Do you mean men or trans women?

Anyhow, what a load of drama. Are you enjoying it on some level? I would have (& do) have everything on private for starters.

girlmom21 · 28/12/2021 10:07

I did include a few home truths regarding using her son as a weapon, and not allowing her ex to move on, as she has done.

This is a dick move and you know it. He's leaving you because he's scared of losing his child - which we all knew was going to happen - so you've used all of his fears to abuse her and cause trouble for him.

I was on your side but now I think it's him who's well rid. You're nasty. I know you're hurting but you don't play games with peoples relationships with their children.

Original poster
scorpiogirly · 28/12/2021 10:37

I didn't do it to play games. I was annoyed at the fact that not only had she controlled him to the point of making him end the relationship, and therefore controlling me, she then tried reached into my life by phoning my ex to slag me off basically and or gloat that she had managed to put a stop to it. I was so angry and gobsmacked that she had the nerve for this.

I don't know what the actual point of telling her was and why he didn't just end it before telling her. He certainly wasn't expecting her to be happy about it. So it seems then the first sign of her expressing her dislike of it, he ran. He completely changed from that point on. He was cold, and basically treated me like a stranger.

The funny thing is, just before he told her, he sent me a message saying you better not knock it on the head now after I told her. Then hebdid the exact same thing.

OP posts:
HairyFanjoBanjo · 28/12/2021 10:39

The real question is: why do you so desperately want to be in a relationship with such a feeble and spineless man?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 28/12/2021 10:43

Lucky escape. He's a coward and a headfuck. She's a nutter and a bully.

Block the lot of them and move on. You'll look back on this and thank your lucky stars you aren't with him.

He would have been a shit partner who always took the path of least resistance and didn't do the right thing when the going got tough - doing the easiest thing instead.

You're idealising him saying it was a great relationship, because it was fundamentally a toxic dynamic because of his toxic dynamic with the ex.

Onwards and upwards.

PaterPower · 28/12/2021 10:49

Agree with you needing to knock this on the head now. Block the new ex (and probably the old as well), tighten up your FB security to stop randoms nosing through your life and then try and set some firmer boundaries. The sneaking up the path should have ended it before it began!

Original poster
scorpiogirly · 28/12/2021 11:04

He was the first person in over three years I felt any kind of attraction to, and the first one I had been intimate with since having my daughter in 2018. We got on well and had a lot in common. I just really liked him and developed feelings for him.

Regarding the baby thing as a pp brought up, it was about 3 weeks ago he mentioned about having a baby, I thought this was far too quick and was a bit taken aback, he said that if I was pregnant, it would finalise everything with his ex, basically meaning that when she found out I was pregnant, there would be nothing she could do about it. I really wonder now, if this had been the case, whether he would have still ended the relationship on her say so, I am thinking he would have as all she would have had to do is threaten that he wouldn’t see their son.

OP posts:
Dozer · 28/12/2021 11:06

So many red flags!

Poor judgment on your part.

You can save yourself further hassle by going and staying no contact now.

Doesntfeellikexmas · 28/12/2021 11:13

@scorpiogirly

He was the first person in over three years I felt any kind of attraction to, and the first one I had been intimate with since having my daughter in 2018. We got on well and had a lot in common. I just really liked him and developed feelings for him.

Regarding the baby thing as a pp brought up, it was about 3 weeks ago he mentioned about having a baby, I thought this was far too quick and was a bit taken aback, he said that if I was pregnant, it would finalise everything with his ex, basically meaning that when she found out I was pregnant, there would be nothing she could do about it. I really wonder now, if this had been the case, whether he would have still ended the relationship on her say so, I am thinking he would have as all she would have had to do is threaten that he wouldn’t see their son.

Op, everyone told you he still would dance her tune if you got pregnant. You were made fully aware of that.

If she doesn't like him dating someone she wouldn't have been best pleased to hear he was dating someone and she was pregnant all in one go.

You knew he

Treated you like the Other Woman
You weren't getting the full story
That he was future faking you
That he was paying for her, to go on with him and probably the man she left for
That he wouldn't have left her had she not left him, despite him claiming he was tired ly unhappy in the relationship.

Again, like everyone told you before. Forget her. This isn't just her fault. Your hurt is caused by him.

That man is a shit. You didn't want to heat it then and made all sorts of excuses. Even, at one point, told him not to tell her yet. He told you he would tell her, you asked him not because you didn't want proof that he wouldn't.

I am not sure you even get it now and suspect, if he comes drawing back you will take it.

Aust98 · 28/12/2021 11:16

@scorpiogirly

He was the first person in over three years I felt any kind of attraction to, and the first one I had been intimate with since having my daughter in 2018. We got on well and had a lot in common. I just really liked him and developed feelings for him.

Regarding the baby thing as a pp brought up, it was about 3 weeks ago he mentioned about having a baby, I thought this was far too quick and was a bit taken aback, he said that if I was pregnant, it would finalise everything with his ex, basically meaning that when she found out I was pregnant, there would be nothing she could do about it. I really wonder now, if this had been the case, whether he would have still ended the relationship on her say so, I am thinking he would have as all she would have had to do is threaten that he wouldn’t see their son.

Imagine having a baby to him and him still being controlled by his ex.

Imagine you and your baby always playing second fiddle to his crazy ex.

You really have had a lucky escape, be grateful that you didn't have a baby with him and are not tied to him.

Easier said than done but forget about the both of them, it was a battle you were never going to win.

Original poster
scorpiogirly · 28/12/2021 11:26

Just to clarify, I am not now wishing I could go back in time and get pregnant before he told her. I just wonder if I had been, if things would have gone the same way. I suspect so, even though he wouldn’t have had no contact with hypothetical child 2. If they hadn’t gone the same way and he had stood up to her because I was pregnant, it means a potential baby would have been worth the hassle, and I was not. I am not sure if I am making any sense.

I do feel bad today and wish I had never sent her a message and the shit it may have caused him. And the fact that he probably hates me now, I know I maybe shouldn’t care but I do.

OP posts:
Tillymintpolo · 28/12/2021 11:31

Lock down your social media. Breathe a huge sigh of relief at getting away from the pair of them

montysma1 · 28/12/2021 11:49

She stated a fact. Is that no longer acceltable?

Outlyingtrout · 28/12/2021 12:02

Lock your social media down for a start. You are entitled to post what you like but some people will obviously try to use it against you.

It's outrageous that someone would seek to prevent contact between an ex's new partner and their children based on that new partner not sharing their belief system. That's a massive overstep and frankly none of their business. I think in the case of this man's ex, she would have found any old reason to get rid of you anyway.

Be glad that you've dodged a bullet. This bloke is spineless and weak. His ex sounds like a nightmare. You don't need the hassle of all that.

Original poster
scorpiogirly · 28/12/2021 12:12

@montysma1

She stated a fact. Is that no longer acceltable?
What do you mean?
OP posts:
PaterPower · 28/12/2021 13:09

wish I had never sent her a message and the shit it may have caused him

Stop that line of thinking right now

You owe this guy nothing. Certainly not any of your headspace. You absolutely dodged a bullet here - FGS don’t throw yourself back in the line of fire!!

ImmutableSexQueen · 28/12/2021 13:15

@Calamitydrayne

We can all have gender critical views but we don't need to spout them off on social media. Bit pathetic of him to be controlled by his ex but learn from this that some views are better kept to yourself in this century.
Some people will choose to share their gender critical (or other) views. It would be better if other people did not try to police that.
Original poster
scorpiogirly · 28/12/2021 16:33

@AutumnWinterSpring

I wouldn't want upu around my child either if you thought it perfectly acceptable for a male with a penis who dresses as a women is welcome into a safe space or women and girls, where my three year old daughter may be using the facilities.

OP posts:
GrumpyLivesInMyHouseNow · 28/12/2021 19:58

Sounds like she's fine you a massive favour, I'd not want to be tied to a man who doesn't have a backbone and a loon for an ex. There would always be issues of some sort

MyNameIsElizaDay · 28/12/2021 21:06

@tatfrombandm

I will go off-topic to try to prove a point. There is such a thing as age regression. If an age regressed person sucks on a dummy, it does not make them a baby, but it helps them revert to the baby stage, and helps them to feel comfortable. I imagine it's the same with trans-women wearing tights, to feel comfortable and fit in with their gender.

The childs dad is not the only parent in this dynamic so the mother gets a say too. She is being cautious to check out the other parent's new partner as they are someone the child will presumably be spending time with. And it's reasonable to not want your child around someone who makes those sorts of remarks as god knows what else they say.

But…the wearing of tights does not make you an actual Woman And saying it does, does not make it so. To be fair OP she was looking for anything, you could have been a vegan, wore hotpants etc… you were never gonna be right
IamGusFring · 28/12/2021 21:12

@scorpiogirly

He was the first person in over three years I felt any kind of attraction to, and the first one I had been intimate with since having my daughter in 2018. We got on well and had a lot in common. I just really liked him and developed feelings for him.

Regarding the baby thing as a pp brought up, it was about 3 weeks ago he mentioned about having a baby, I thought this was far too quick and was a bit taken aback, he said that if I was pregnant, it would finalise everything with his ex, basically meaning that when she found out I was pregnant, there would be nothing she could do about it. I really wonder now, if this had been the case, whether he would have still ended the relationship on her say so, I am thinking he would have as all she would have had to do is threaten that he wouldn’t see their son.

Look you are just spouting the same old crap over and over again. She is not the problem - it is your "new ex" . If he really wanted to make a go of things he would . Move on - this is just a shit show .
AutumnWinterSpring · 28/12/2021 21:14

[quote scorpiogirly]@AutumnWinterSpring

I wouldn't want upu around my child either if you thought it perfectly acceptable for a male with a penis who dresses as a women is welcome into a safe space or women and girls, where my three year old daughter may be using the facilities.[/quote]
Nice try Flowers

Sausagedogsarethebest · 28/12/2021 21:14

Well you've certainly dodged a bullet here OP, he wasn't worth it.

The moral of this story is that everyone should check their social media settings to ensure they're not open to randoms they're not friends with. Keep your posts private to your FB friends only.

me4real · 28/12/2021 21:34

that he could just bin me and the relationship off like this.

Yep I don't think he was really committed @scorpiogirly . As PP's said, if it wasn't that he'dve dumped you over something else. Don't get back with him or he will find some other reason to dump you in future (not necessarily with any prompting from her.)

It sounds like he's still enmeshed with her TBH.

This is the ex that asked me to walk up his neighbours path as I was leaving his house incase her friend who lives across the road saw.

How humiliating. You're well rid OP.

I wouldn't blame it all on her, most men manage to move on regardless. They have more spine.

the shit it may have caused him

Who cares? He's an a-hole.

So sorry you're hurting OP Flowers

For sure consider making your SM private and stuff. But don't blame it on that, it sounds like he was a twat and there was also a lot of drama around him, which you would've had to put up with in future if you'd stayed with him.