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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Follow on from the secrecy thread. Need a hand hold

77 replies

scorpiogirly · 27/12/2021 11:57

I haven’t posted for a few days.

Basically new boyfriend was keeping me a secret from his ex as he thought she would go insane.

We had words again about it and he finally told her last night. She called him immediately. He said she took it better than he thought she would. Then she text him saying she wasn’t happy. Then proceeded to go through my Facebook looking for something she could use against me. I have gender Cristal views and she saw something I posted ages ago, send it to him and said that she doesn’t want me around her son for this reason and hinted at social services if I was.

He’s essentially ended the relationship on her say so as he is scared that she will stop him seeing their son.

I’m not sure what I am looking for here. Just need to get it out as no one to talk to in real life about it. Im hurt, but also do smacked that he could just bin me and the relationship off like this.

OP posts:

thatsallineed · 27/12/2021 22:04

said that she doesn't want me around her son for this reason and hinted at social services if I was

What would she be reporting to social services? That you posted one sentence on FB several years ago and she's taken offence to it? They'd laugh.

If he's that terrified of her, it makes me wonder whether she's used threats like this before.

tatfrombandm · 27/12/2021 22:13

I'm sure you're referring to people who pretend to be trans for malicious reasons. However a trans woman might feel more comfortable in a pair of tights and isn't comfortable going through with surgery as they could find it worrying etc or they're just not sure but at the end of the day it's none of your business and I wouldn't want my children around people who make ignorant remarks about trans people either, god knows what you'd say around them and children are impressionable you know

tatfrombandm · 27/12/2021 22:13

they also tend to repeat things and may well repeat what you have said

Oldtiredfedup · 27/12/2021 22:17

You really are better off out of it.

Wiredforsound · 27/12/2021 22:18

He sounds pathetic. You’re well rid.

AutumnWinterSpring · 27/12/2021 22:23

@scorpiogirly

All I actually said was, popping on a pair of tights does not make a man a woman. She screenshotted it and sent it to him which then showed me.

I wouldn’t let you near my child either.

over2021 · 27/12/2021 22:25

@tatfrombandm

Really?

OP, I know it doesn't feel like it now but I think you're well rid and better off in the long run.

And I agree re: the tights

Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 27/12/2021 22:27

He obviously knew she would do something like this because he wanted to keep things secret.
He is in a tough spot if she is willing to do stuff like this when he dates.
He is not a good candidate to be in a relationship with anyone if he can't change this dynamic.

Sorry, good men are hard to find.

Bellyups · 27/12/2021 22:28

You’re better off out of it. Oh, and check your privacy controls on Facebook.

DixieSun · 27/12/2021 22:29

Lessons learned about your privacy settings and the type of man you date. Find one with a backbone

Doesntfeellikexmas · 27/12/2021 22:29

Are you the poster whose boyfriend had you walking down the neighbours path and then sneaking into his? Pretending you were going there instead of his?

I am sorry this has happened this way. But it was inevitable. Its good you know now.

He will not go against her or upset her. He will always be available for her. No one else.

Chin up. It's a lucky escape.

BasicDad · 27/12/2021 22:31

Bullet dodged (his ex and him). You'll look at this favourably eventually.

VioletLemon · 27/12/2021 22:34

He sounds like a weak needy type. Can't bear men like this, so draining and childlike.
You're better off away from someone who is scared of his ex and places more importance on that than your feelings. You can do better.

tatfrombandm · 27/12/2021 22:37

I will go off-topic to try to prove a point. There is such a thing as age regression. If an age regressed person sucks on a dummy, it does not make them a baby, but it helps them revert to the baby stage, and helps them to feel comfortable. I imagine it's the same with trans-women wearing tights, to feel comfortable and fit in with their gender.

The childs dad is not the only parent in this dynamic so the mother gets a say too. She is being cautious to check out the other parent's new partner as they are someone the child will presumably be spending time with. And it's reasonable to not want your child around someone who makes those sorts of remarks as god knows what else they say.

Morechocmorechoc · 27/12/2021 22:46

Lucky you OP, you could have been in for a lifetime of mumsnet posts about what the crazy ex did. You would have been miserable most of the time as he would have let her do whatever she wanted.

There is nothing wrong with your comment. People are so precious you can't say anything today. It's getting pathetic.

donquixotedelamancha · 27/12/2021 22:46

We can all have gender critical views but we don't need to spout them off on social media. Bit pathetic of him to be controlled by his ex but learn from this that some views are better kept to yourself in this century.

Even though you have no idea what those views may have been. Just because the OP didn't find it offensive doesn't mean other people won't. We don't live in the dark ages anymore thankfully.

You think the dark ages were an era famous for women being able to speak their mind about politics? And that was a bad thing?

I have to say that these two comments win the stupid views on MN award for today (and it's been a bumper day).

Any normal person would be appauled at a mother using their child to control their ex. The only sorts of views which would justify this behavoiur would be posting something child-abusey, not being a feminist.

girlmom21 · 27/12/2021 22:53

Is this the man who wanted a baby with you 3 months into the relationship because "it's obviously going to happen eventually"?

Definitely lucky escape.

GrumpyTerrier · 27/12/2021 23:35

Bullet dodged OP, although of course you'll feel bad for a while. After that passes you'll realise what a loser the guy actually was. You deserved and deserve much better that this. I would focus on why you didn't realise this and demand it from the beginning.

As for what you said-- people have varying views on this, to which they are entitled but it is ridiculous to speak of social services or 'I wouldn't let you near my child' in relation to a legally protected view. However, people be oft ridiculous.

Aust98 · 27/12/2021 23:40

Sounds like you've had a lucky escape. Any man that follows orders/demands on his ex's say so because she uses their son as a weapon is not worth wasting anymore time on.

You're not a mug, you're now wiser for future reference, look at it that way.

p.s. put your social media on private

WhiteChocMocha · 27/12/2021 23:41

Funny enough something similar happened to me. Some months ago, she threatened with custody, and he pretty much left me to fend for myself while I was feeling very fragile after being attacked by her. I was literally crying my heart out with almost-strangers while he cut me off for days.

I tried to be understanding as his kids are obviously important to him and I felt shit for putting his relationship with them at risk - without the boring details, I wasn’t whiter than white in that situation. So we had a serious talk and decided to try again. He did stick up for me to her a little bit in the end.

Our relationship never really recovered from that disappointment, I’ve been feeling sad for weeks and thinking how I’ll never be equal to her in his eyes. It’s brought out all kinds of insecurities - and I’m not an insecure person. He’s told me I deserve better etc etc but for him, his kids come first. He’s not a bad guy at all but he clearly didn’t think this through and while I don’t expect to come before the kids, I expect to carry some kind of value and importance. I’m not disposable and won’t be treated as such after everything we’ve both put into this.

We have just kind of stopped talking now and I’m not sure I want to talk to him ever again. I was in love with him and now I just feel resentment. He should be putting his kids first - but he shouldn’t be bringing a woman that he allegedly cares about into a situation where he won’t stand up for her and potentially cuts her off at the first sign of trouble.

So do NOT go back. Yes, those moments of feeling happy together and falling in love are amazing. But you can’t put yourself through this and similar over and over again. You’ll end up insecure and miserable. He’s not ready and you deserve someone who adores you and stands up for you. Corny but you deserve better than being somebody’s secret.

And don’t go down the rabbit hole of blaming yourself because of your post. You are who you are and the post isn’t the issue - their unresolved business is and always will be until he grows a pair.

Now I just hope I can follow my own advice!

Aposterhasnoname · 27/12/2021 23:46

Two things. No 1 . Lucky escape, trust me, anyone who is that controlled by the ex is Bad News. No 2. Sort your Facebook security out.

IamGusFring · 28/12/2021 00:10

Look the whole situation was crap - where did that thread go to ? Was it under another name ? This is a man you see twice a week and it's only been a few months . It's a pile of crap . Your ex is a nightmare too . Why don't you aim for some peace in your life for a while ?

Original poster

scorpiogirly · 28/12/2021 00:38

Thank you all so much. I'll try to answer what I can. I am exhausted because it's all kicked off tonight with his ex phoning my ex in my house! I told my ex to get off the phone to her or he can leave immediately. He then told her that he had to go because I was threatening to kick him out. I message the new ex as of tonight, and told him that his ex is contacting my ex now and tell her to stop. She lied to him and told him I phoned her! I told him I didn't have her number even and to tell her to stop and leave it alone or I will tell her. He wouldn't. I then sent her a message on Facebook. The bew ex has now unfriended and blocked me, saying that his ex is not going to take his house from him. I did include a few home truths regarding using her son as a weapon, and not allowing her ex to move on, as she has done.

Regarding the trans issue, I am not anti trans in the slightest. What I don't like is men claiming to be actual women to gain access to women and the erosion of our words and rights.

This is the ex that asked me to walk up his neighbours path as I was leaving his house incase her friend who lives across the road saw.

OP posts:

falalalalalalalallama · 28/12/2021 00:42

@Calamitydrayne

ODFOD.

You may think women's rights are so last century but luckily not everyone is as poorly informed.

BasicDad · 28/12/2021 01:48

I'm starting to think perhaps you've all dodged a bullet.

Why put up with such drama and fuel it, unless you actually like it?

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