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Original poster

"Good guy pledge" - could something like this actually work?

75 replies

MoonbeamsGlittering · 27/12/2021 10:53

I've been thinking for a while that it might be good if society could have another movement like MeToo, this time with men stating that they will commit to being good guys who will always treat women with respect, never cheat, never lie to their partners, never try to intimidate women, and things like that. Maybe a list of a few pledges.

If lots of men pledged publicly to do this then maybe it would make slightly-dodgy men feel a push to treat women better, because they would see that lots of other men were committing to these things. I wouldn't expect it to change hardcore nasty men, but if it just led to some men improving their actions then that could be a good thing.

Has anyone else thought about this or even seen any attempt out there to start this kind of ball rolling? Could this be a good idea? Or is it a rubbish idea and I just haven't realised it?

OP posts:

ComtesseDeSpair · 27/12/2021 11:00

Well, these are basically most people’s wedding vows. And that doesn’t stop many people lying to, cheating on, abusing or disrespecting their spouses. I’m sure many men (including the very famous) would be up for a campaign where they get the opportunity to tell the world how great they are; I’m not sure it would have any impact in reality, as nice an idea as it is.

ravenmum · 27/12/2021 11:10

I think this would be an opportunity for really, properly bad people to look good to the outside world, making their spouse feel even less likely to be believed.

arcticfoxed · 27/12/2021 11:13

It’s a really rubbish idea!

ravenmum · 27/12/2021 11:19

I also don't think we should send out the message that not hurting your partner is something special/unusual/worth mentioning.

OursonGuimauve · 27/12/2021 11:20

All my Catholic school final year class pledged (no choice not to) not to drink alcohol. You can imagine how well that worked.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 27/12/2021 11:20

The people most likely to do that would be the arseholes who claim to be 'Good Guys' and really, really aren't.

OursonGuimauve · 27/12/2021 11:21

Also, you'd need the same for women

Didimum · 27/12/2021 11:32

The crappy men of society are probably a lost cause. Though I would certainly like to see a greater push for poor behaviour to be continuously and proactively called out by both women and men - basically, do not normalise it, ever.

IMO, the hard work needs to start with children and young adults. Boys need to be taught to respect girls, to not sexualise them, to treat them, always, as equals. I’m also getting a little tired of the focus of equality being most often put on girls to enjoy typically ‘boyish’ things, as though it’s some sort of accolade to how feminist they are, or how well the parents have raised her in being a free thinker. All well and good. But I’d also like to see little boys more encouraged to respect and regard typically ‘girlish’ activities more seriously - why not see if they enjoy ballet? Enjoy cooking? Playing with a baby doll?

I took my little boy ballet because he really wanted to go. You wouldn’t believe the side eyes I got from other parents. He was also the only boy in a class of 15 girls. He smashed it, quite frankly.

JohnSmithDrive · 27/12/2021 11:34

It often seems to me that those who are publicly very "good" are the worst. Priests is an obvious example, but other religious and charitable types (Saville being the most obvious) have often turned out not to be whthey claimed to be.

exexpat · 27/12/2021 11:38

Have you noticed how many high-profile Christians turn out to be adulterers or child-abusers, despite all the very public stuff they say about moral values?

Ibane · 27/12/2021 11:41

@ravenmum

I also don't think we should send out the message that not hurting your partner is something special/unusual/worth mentioning.

This.

OP, I think you are fundamentally misunderstanding Me Too — it’s about coming together to offer support and empower victims of sexual assault and harassment, hence pretty much the opposite of a movement vaguely pledging not to become the perpetrators of violent crime against women, lie to female partners or fuck women other than your spouse.

MaryAndHerNet · 27/12/2021 11:49

If lots of men pledged publicly to do this then maybe it would make slightly-dodgy men feel a push to treat women better

No, it'd just make slightly dodgy men lie more to get what they want.

Massive generalising here:
Men will not ever change, they haven't over the last several thousand years, why would they? Everything is geared up to meet their needs, service their cocks, give them pleasure. Why would men change that?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 27/12/2021 11:56

It would just involve a disgusting amount of "feminist in the tweets, misogynist in the streets" type blokes. My ex would have bloody loved this. He would have called on men to do it and proclaimed how important it is. He was a highly abusive arsehole who loved attention and had a public persona that made people think he was 'one of the good guys'. He's a cunt.

Didimum · 27/12/2021 12:00

@MaryAndHerNet I literally said this to my husband two days ago. Women have everything to gain from feminism. A more equal, respectful world for all means a loss of power for men. Not an attractive prospect.

Saying that, in racial equality, a better world means a loss of power for white people. Something I certainly don’t mind giving up, as a white person.

As in everything, decent people will get it, non decent people won’t. The work starts when people are children.

Original poster

MoonbeamsGlittering · 27/12/2021 12:01

@MaryAndHerNet

If lots of men pledged publicly to do this then maybe it would make slightly-dodgy men feel a push to treat women better

No, it'd just make slightly dodgy men lie more to get what they want.

OK - pretty unanimous feedback here!

Maybe I can rephrase the question. Is there anything that decent men can do as a group to help to change the situation that @MaryAndHerNet has described here? They can treat women well in their own lives, but is there any way to be part of trying to move society in that direction?

OP posts:

YungWaffle · 27/12/2021 12:02

It would be great for virtue signalling, but not much else.

Original poster

MoonbeamsGlittering · 27/12/2021 12:03

@Didimum How did your husband respond?

I think that a more equal and respectful world doesn't have to mean a loss of power for all men; only a loss for the men who are abusing that power. Men who want things to be better would see it as a good thing.

OP posts:

MirthlessChuckle · 27/12/2021 12:03

Men could campaign to get rid of porn from our society as it has a lot to answer for, but I don't see that happening somehow.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 27/12/2021 12:05

@MoonbeamsGlittering

They need to call out every single instance of misogyny and sexism that they encounter. Including so called 'casual' misogyny and sexism.

They need to care about women and girls even if they don't have a female partner, a daughter, a niece etc who suddenly gives them a stake in feminism.

They need to fight as hard as women for the rights of women and girls and more consequences for male violence against women and girls.

They need to actually go on marches, be vocal on social media, generally speak the fuck up instead of leaning on "I'd never hurt a woman" as if that's enough.

That's a few things they could do.

YungWaffle · 27/12/2021 12:07

@MoonbeamsGlittering
Is there anything that decent men can do as a group to help to change the situation that

Men don't really have any incentive to change how other men treat women.

Have sex with really nice guys. That's the only incentive that I can imagine would be powerful enough to wholesale change how men relate to women that they're not related to.

ProudThrilledHappy · 27/12/2021 12:07

Well I’ve encountered a few self proclaimed Nice Guys in my time OP but not sure if that’s what you’re talking about.

LaBellina · 27/12/2021 12:09

I think many would use it to gaslight women into thinking they were imagining things because of their pledge. It’s merely virtual signaling at best. The real good men make this commitment without talking about it.

Original poster

MoonbeamsGlittering · 27/12/2021 12:11

@youvegottenminuteslynn Thank you - those points are helpful for me. I'm a man wondering how I could help more. I think I already do a lot of that, but I haven't been on marches since Covid started. I think Covid has made me feel like it's harder for me to find ways to help, because I'm not encountering instances of misogyny while working from home and generally being reclusive. I used to get the occasional chance to call people out on it (and I did call them out) but not now.

OP posts:

Orgasmagorical · 27/12/2021 12:12

My ex would have been one of the ones up there, getting involved in the organisation of the good guy scheme. What better a thing to hide behind whilst showing the world he is such a caring, thoughtful, trustworthy conman.

There was a Don't Be That Guy campaign in Scotland a few months ago. It would be interesting to know how much of a difference it has made ...

LindaEllen · 27/12/2021 12:12

Let me tell you that my abusive ex spent a lot of time making himself out to be the most amazing man in the world (to me at first, but continually to everyone else after he started abusing me). It's easy. Words mean nothing. It's actions we need.

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