Heartbroken and empty ... please some words of wisdom

[Pinkdiamond44]

I don’t know what I’m looking for on this thread maybe some encouragement or hope or something. I’ve read heartbreak threads before and they’ve helped me so I thought I would make my own. I’m lying in bed on Boxing Day which should be such a happy time spent with family feeling like my heart is breaking.

Long story short, been with the guy 6 months. I know, you’re probably thinking what is 6 months but believe me the magic and time we spent in those months meant more to me than any long term relationship. This guy put me on a pedestal, was always in complete awe and infatuation with me and just made me feel like I was the most special lady on the planet.

He lived 3 hours away and would drive up and see me any which way he could. He was my best friend and the connection I had with him on so many levels was so deep that I had never felt anything like it. FYI I’m not a silly, vulnerable weak girl I’m actually anything but and this has still happened.

So he used to refer to his ex from time to time saying things like how badly she treated him, how much of an upgrade I was and how he had obviously lowered her standards when he was with her (which isn’t a very nice thing to say at all and quite out of character for him as he was such a gentleman in every other way) but I found out on Christmas Eve night that he is still in a relationship with this woman through the power of social media and also a couple of rookie errors on his part.

I ignored him all day yesterday and was bombarded with texts and calls. He had planned to drive up tomorrow and see me and I was going to wait until then and get in his car, speak to him calmly and dignified and then get out, walk away and never see him again. But I couldn’t have kept it up for the next few days pretending everything was ok so I sent him a message last night. It was a well meaning, dignified and composed message and I even wished him well (I do have a good heart and I feel like acting this way just makes them realise what they have lost even more rather than being a crank about it). He messaged back which I really didn’t want him too with a long essay saying he is hurt that I haven’t allowed him to explain the full story and ending it with him saying he will respect my wishes and won’t contact me again and he’s then waited until I’ve read it and blocked me.

I just wish he hadn’t messaged back. I felt so much more in control when it was just me having the final word. He won’t ever contact me again (I feel like he’s blocked me and probably deleted everything so that he doesn’t get the urge) and I certainly wouldn’t have responded anyway. I just feel so hurt and empty.

I’m 33 for reference. I think when you’re younger you mourn the person but when you’re older you mourn the dreams and wishes and plans that you had made with that person and my goodness did we make a lot.

I know this probably won’t get much traffic as it’s Boxing Day and you’ll probably all be very happy with your families spending it as you should (I hope I have the same happiness next year) but I just feel like I need reassurance that I have done the right thing as now I’m thinking should I have not sent it and said it all in person tomorrow night face to face. Would that have given me better closure and control of the situation? Or would it have made me feel even worse? Ugh I feel like such an idiot, I feel like he’s tricked me even! Everything he said and did was just perfect and we had the most wonderful connection, how do I try and rid this horrible empty feeling and quickly?! I work two jobs and have a 3 year old daughter (Who is at her grandparents now thankfully playing with all of her cousins) I just feel sick to my stomach and can’t eat anything. Thanks in advance guys and please be gentle xx

I think it was better that you ended things sooner rather than later and really that you didn’t wait to do it in person doesn’t make any difference. You will feel just as sad at the ending of the relationship either way and whether you had the last word and got to do the blocking or not.

At least you know you haven’t lost a lovely man, you have lost a liar who love bombed you. You will know the signs if it ever happens again.

You are not “older” you are very young. But I know what you mean about hopes and dreams, I met a love-bombing, future faker when I was 31and I think I put a lot of hopes and dreams on that relationship too.

He was not your best friend, from what I understand he lied to you. You are rightly in deep pain right now, but you will heal. You still have time to make a meaningful relationship in this life, If you can manage don't spend the day alone. Mope around with family.

You did the right thing.
He didn’t get the last word.
You were dignified and ended it first.
Well done.
I’m curious how you found him out ?

OP, with all due respect, this man wasn't your best friend. As you've found out to your detriment, you didn't even truly know him. And really how could you at only 6 months in.

The minutiae also isn't important, in terms of who messaged who first/last or whatever; though in all honesty if you genuinely wanted to have the last word and leave it there, you could have chosen to block him after you sent the message, but you didn't 🤷🏼‍♀️

Please put this waste of space behind you and do what you really should be doing on Boxing Day i.e. going and spending it with your DD.

I found out on Christmas Eve night that he is still in a relationship with this woman through the power of social media

is this a reliable source?

who ended is not important at this point, so dont worry who texted last. you said your piece. he had to prove there wasnt any other relationship.

if he is true to himself he will come back but you need concrete evidence of faithfulness.

give him one week, if he doesnt contact move on.

dont beat yourself up, there are many of them around, the trick is to be able to choose the honest one.

I just feel like I need reassurance that I have done the right thing as now I’m thinking should I have not sent it and said it all in person tomorrow night face to face. Would that have given me better closure and control of the situation? Or would it have made me feel even worse?

Yes you did do the right thing. At the very, very least he had not been honest with you, and after all the dreams and plans you shared he should have been. When you start to make plans with someone, they deserved to know the truth of your situation. He very deliberately and actively lied by omission and commission.

Had you met face to face he'd have tried to talk you round, no doubt about it.

It's a weird human thing that the person to get the last word 'wins' ... it leaves the other person feeling worse. But it doesn't mean they've really won, it's just the odd dynamics of how we interact. If you look at the long term whoever got the last word in doesn't matter. What matters, long term, is honesty and integrity and you have just escaped a bullet.

Sorry he sounds awful! It seemed as though he love bombed you, lied to you and then when he was caught out needed to be in control with the last word - he wasn’t interested in your thoughts.

You are grieving who you thought he was before the date mask slipped. You have dodged a bullet!.

Have a good cry, eat some Christmas chocolate, you are allowed to feel sad. read some of the dreadful stories on here from women who’ve been trapped with one of these sort of oiks for 20years

Girls, you have made me feel so much better already. Sometimes I do wish that I was one of those naive, foolish girls that just sail through life turning a blind eye. I know how silly that sounds and I don’t really mean it but sometimes being too savvy just means you’re onto everything! I feel like I have incredibly high standards and I thought I finally met somebody that ticked all of the boxes.

I know I’ve probably dodged a bullet, it’s an awful feeling though. I know it will go away I’m just annoyed that I’ve allowed someone to hurt me. I feel like it’s worse when you’re older, I don’t know.

He has messaged me asking ‘can I ask you a favour’ I’ve not responded and won’t either.

Block him. You’ll be heartbroken for a while, but you will feel better eventually and you are saving yourself from a world of pain by immediately cutting yourself off from the lies and drama this guy will so obviously bring

The things he said about his ‘Ex’ were a sign btw. Never trust a man who talks trash about his ex partner (even worse when she’s not his Ex!).

I bet the favour is to not tell his partner.

What a dick. You sound lovely and I’m sure you will find someone who deserves you, this man is not him.

Well done for ending it, don’t respond to anything he sends - I don’t think you’ve heard the last of him, especially given that he’s text so soon after blocking you. It’s all very dramatic isn’t it? Lick your wounds for a while, feel the feelings and then forget him he’s really not worth a second thought.

He’s called me multiple time’s. I didn’t answer. Sent me a few voice notes gaslighting me really and trying to shift some of the blame on me for not ‘hearing him out’ and I obviously wasn’t as into him as he was into me or I wouldn’t just walk away. I’ve ignored all. The last one he sent said he was blocking me for good. I hope he does as it will make it easier rather than him keeping unblocking etc.

I wanted to hear his voice so bad to take me back to the time I felt ‘safe’ with him but I know I will never feel like that again with him now so it’s pointless.

Humans can be truly awful can’t they? Thanks girls. I can’t physically eat. I had this years ago and I lost so much weight in a few weeks as my body was just running on adrenaline. The thought of food repulsed me, needless to say the second my appetite came back I actually ended up gaining more weight than I previously was!

Thanks so much for answering girls. I’m going to look at some of the other threads to make me feel better x

This is straight out of the narcissists playbook.

Idealisting you and putting you on a pedestal whilst denigrating his current partner. The seduction and connection such that you felt you had met your soulmate...however be grateful that you found out, so early on, that he was lying. You might not believe it but after a while he would have started to devalue you, exactly as he did to his current partner. The nasty comments are the real him, the charming front was just an act.

Part of the MO is to denigrate their last partner so the present themselves as a victim. It makes empathic people fall harder.

Be warned he will try very hard to hoover you, so block him on everything. I assume he knows your home address but doesn't have keys?

It’s funny because I’m the one who always gives me friends all of the advice, I’ve generally only ever had lovely relationships with lovely guys. So when I’m reading all these things even though it sounds like it on paper when I’m actually putting it against him, in my head I’m like but he’s not like that! Maybe that’s me just always trying to see the best In people (I’m not weak FYI I’m a very empathetic person but in the same note I also have no tolerance and cut people off if something is off)

He doesn’t have keys and he lives quite a while away. I don’t think he will be unblocking me now to be honest. I just hope this feeling fades away relatively quickly, although I know it’s not linear and one day you can be fine and the next all over the place.

These comments are really keeping me going, thank you so much for replying everybody especially on Boxing Day! You are all amazing and helping me through it xx

"This guy put me on a pedestal, was always in complete awe and infatuation with me and just made me feel like I was the most special lady on the planet."

How can you not see the problem with these statements?

@Pinkdiamond44, you have completely dodged a bullet.

@cherrycola7 well because I had two long term relationships before him (I ended them for my own reasons, nothing to do with their shortcomings) and they too treated me this way. I don’t think that’s a bad thing to be treated like a princess to be honest and my standards have always been high like that anyway. I’m very old fashioned and the guys I’ve dated have been gentlemen and known that.

I’ve read up what love bombing is now and I can see that this guy may have potentially done that but for 6 months? What so it was all a lie? All of the emotion, tears, love, happiness, joy from his side? The more I’m reading on similar threads the more I’m like wtf, this is more normal than I would ever have imagined. Crazy.

Oh my goodness I am SO impressed with your ability to stick to your guns. I look back on some of my relationship splits and I’ve been so pathetic and trying to clutch on to almost every one. Good for you for setting the bar high. Well done. Keep strong!

This is classic narcissistic behaviour. The lovebombing, placing you on a pedestal, convincing you that you are his soulmate.
Relationships with these types of people never end well, the mask drops eventually and they become cruel and manipulative.
He is now trying to hoover you back up, with various words and tactics.
Please don’t give him a second chance, if you hadn’t of confronted him by text with what you knew,when would he of come clean?
As painful as it is, be glad it’s early days and you didn’t get taken in longer. You did EXACTLY the right thing by ending it. You would never to able to trust him.

He will keep getting back in contact with tales of woe (I also had one of these arseholes ) designed to make you feel sorry for him. Make sure you don't give him airtime and get on with your life. That will piss him off immensely.

Block in. Manipulative men have a higher success rate face to face - do not see him in person.

Block him. Short term pain for long term gain.

You have done exactly the right thing, and have held firm, well done. If there was an innocent explanation, he would have been at pains to actually explain. You've not stopped him sending a text or voice note in which he could have clarified. Instead he has moaned that you won't hear him out to deflect from the fact that there probably isn't a good explanation.

I'm familiar with the disappointment and sadness when you're ready to settle down and another one with potential doesn't work out, but this man really does not sound genuine so you've not lost out at all in the long run. You're a million times better off keeping your standards high than turning a blind eye for a quiet life. If anything raise them higher and filter out any red flags such as slagging off the ex etc. You'll be fine

Thanks girls. He won’t get a second chance. I suspect he will be with the ‘non girlfriend’ right about now whilst I’m lying her unable to sleep as my head is banging that much.

He won’t unblock me now. Why would he, he has a girlfriend who is obviously willing to turn a blind eye to his behaviour. There’s no way she mustn’t have had her suspicions these last 6 months especially as I live 3 hours Away. There were a lot of times when he was driving back early hours in the morning.

It’s just such a rubbish feeling isn’t it?! Like a dull ache in your tummy and flirting between really wanting to speak to him to then not at all and being so confused and upset.

I don’t know why, but I used to think this didn’t happen to older people! If anything I feel like it hurt more?!

Thanks ladies. Your comments are amazing xx

I'd have actually let him drive up to yours. Because he's then got to drive 3 hours back and somehow explain why he's back early. Plus it's wasted time, money and petrol for him.

But I'm a bit cruel, especially to dickheads. Probably better your way.

He wants to see you and explain because he is a liar and he thinks he is good with words . He thinks he will talk you round . Been there and have the T shirt . He's bad news and you did the right thing .

There's a reason he picked you as you lived 3 hours away, he could have told her he was working away, helping a friend. He lied to you he will lie to her.