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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Heartbroken and empty ... please some words of wisdom

56 replies

Pinkdiamond44 · 26/12/2021 14:46

I don’t know what I’m looking for on this thread maybe some encouragement or hope or something. I’ve read heartbreak threads before and they’ve helped me so I thought I would make my own. I’m lying in bed on Boxing Day which should be such a happy time spent with family feeling like my heart is breaking.

Long story short, been with the guy 6 months. I know, you’re probably thinking what is 6 months but believe me the magic and time we spent in those months meant more to me than any long term relationship. This guy put me on a pedestal, was always in complete awe and infatuation with me and just made me feel like I was the most special lady on the planet.

He lived 3 hours away and would drive up and see me any which way he could. He was my best friend and the connection I had with him on so many levels was so deep that I had never felt anything like it. FYI I’m not a silly, vulnerable weak girl I’m actually anything but and this has still happened.

So he used to refer to his ex from time to time saying things like how badly she treated him, how much of an upgrade I was and how he had obviously lowered her standards when he was with her (which isn’t a very nice thing to say at all and quite out of character for him as he was such a gentleman in every other way) but I found out on Christmas Eve night that he is still in a relationship with this woman through the power of social media and also a couple of rookie errors on his part.

I ignored him all day yesterday and was bombarded with texts and calls. He had planned to drive up tomorrow and see me and I was going to wait until then and get in his car, speak to him calmly and dignified and then get out, walk away and never see him again. But I couldn’t have kept it up for the next few days pretending everything was ok so I sent him a message last night. It was a well meaning, dignified and composed message and I even wished him well (I do have a good heart and I feel like acting this way just makes them realise what they have lost even more rather than being a crank about it). He messaged back which I really didn’t want him too with a long essay saying he is hurt that I haven’t allowed him to explain the full story and ending it with him saying he will respect my wishes and won’t contact me again and he’s then waited until I’ve read it and blocked me.

I just wish he hadn’t messaged back. I felt so much more in control when it was just me having the final word. He won’t ever contact me again (I feel like he’s blocked me and probably deleted everything so that he doesn’t get the urge) and I certainly wouldn’t have responded anyway. I just feel so hurt and empty.

I’m 33 for reference. I think when you’re younger you mourn the person but when you’re older you mourn the dreams and wishes and plans that you had made with that person and my goodness did we make a lot.

I know this probably won’t get much traffic as it’s Boxing Day and you’ll probably all be very happy with your families spending it as you should (I hope I have the same happiness next year) but I just feel like I need reassurance that I have done the right thing as now I’m thinking should I have not sent it and said it all in person tomorrow night face to face. Would that have given me better closure and control of the situation? Or would it have made me feel even worse? Ugh I feel like such an idiot, I feel like he’s tricked me even! Everything he said and did was just perfect and we had the most wonderful connection, how do I try and rid this horrible empty feeling and quickly?! I work two jobs and have a 3 year old daughter (Who is at her grandparents now thankfully playing with all of her cousins) I just feel sick to my stomach and can’t eat anything. Thanks in advance guys and please be gentle xx

OP posts:

GregTheEgg · 27/12/2021 00:35

Why do you keep referring to yourself as an “older lady”?

RhubarbCustardy · 27/12/2021 00:45

Maybe the favour is to ask you not to tell his girlfriend?! Prob worried that you will! Let him stress over that one!
Can happen to anyone at any age (thinking of those tv programmes where older women have been conned into marrying a younger man abroad and believing they're in love for example though not meaning that you're like that at all!).
Think yourself lucky that it was only 6 months you wasted with him and lucky that you found out. Don't believe that the rest of the world is all playing happy families either. Fakebook is full of rubbish and there are plenty of people in crap relationships that don't want to be-they just don't always admit it.

Pick yourself up, move on and someone who appreciates you and treats you well will be along when you least expect it. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.for you.

Ticksallboxes · 27/12/2021 00:54

I'm so sorry that you went through this with this loser.

But you're only 33 and seem pretty on the ball. I'm optimistic that in six months time this will just be a wise anecdote you can trot out!

Lfmumof2xx · 27/12/2021 01:04

Right so long winded but need to know if I’m being out of order or am I right in thinking my husband of 10 years is taking the piss!

So basically he’s quite an outgoing man really chatty , friendly even flirty some would say so that’s a back ground on him.
Right so he loves going out and socialising as do I but I’m probably not as much as him. We have found ourselves in a few sticky situations previously with liking girls pics msg etc but never anything concrete to go off . But he’s out today /tonight and we have exchanged a few msg but nothing much I have rang him around 30 mins ago to check he’s ok been out since 11am! And heard a woman voice in the back ground saying who’s that! Now I know there could be a reasonable explanation but right now I’m fucking raging and want to kill somone am I over reacting or would you he pissed off!

longcoffeebreak · 27/12/2021 01:11

@Lfmumof2xx

Right so long winded but need to know if I’m being out of order or am I right in thinking my husband of 10 years is taking the piss!

You need to start your own thread i think for this

SilverBirchWithout · 27/12/2021 01:26

@GregTheEgg

Why do you keep referring to yourself as an “older lady”?

And why the describing us as “ladies”. It all sounds very odd to me?

litterbird · 27/12/2021 02:12

Why haven’t you blocked him on everything yet?

Aphrodite31 · 27/12/2021 03:29

I would have wanted to hear his explanation. Social media can be very incendiary, and misleading.

I know people say you shouldn't listen to him as he may 'persuade' you that it's all ok and he's not done anything wrong, but how else does communication in a relationship work? If it was so good, isn't it worth hearing? Did you catch him actually with the ex??

Yousexybugger · 27/12/2021 08:08

But she's not stopped him from explaining.

He could have easily sent a message to say 'the pics you saw are of me and my cousin/ my twin brother and his wife/ from an ex 10 years ago'.

Instead he has reacted in such a way that screams 'there is no innocent explanation here'. He has blocked, unblocked, insisted she won't hear him out (well, go on then...) and sent something leading and cryptic about doing him a favour. All he has to do is offer an explanation if there is one, it's not incumbent on the OP to winkle it out of him if she's confident that what she's seen shows he's not genuine.

Savoretti · 27/12/2021 08:17

I think you would have got more closure if you had actually spoken to him rather than just texting and ending it.
There may well not have been a reasonable explanation and finishing it was right but I still think talking is a better way. Text and block is like slamming the phone down

Aphrodite31 · 27/12/2021 08:18

@Yousexybugger

But she's not stopped him from explaining.

He could have easily sent a message to say 'the pics you saw are of me and my cousin/ my twin brother and his wife/ from an ex 10 years ago'.

Yeah you're right. I got a bit lost with the blocking and unblocking. I suppose I find it a bit weird the OP didn't just answer his call and talk about it. And we don't know what this 'evidence' is. I'm just wary that things can be misleading if just gleaned from social media.

Tell us then, OP - what was the evidence?

ibuiltahomeforyou · 27/12/2021 08:29

"I don’t think that’s a bad thing to be treated like a princess to be honest and my standards have always been high like that anyway. I’m very old fashioned and the guys I’ve dated have been gentlemen and known that."

I mean this kindly, but there is clearly something unbalanced in your relationships with old-fashioned style men or one of those relationships would have lasted - are you looking for the right things or wanting to be swept off your feet in a fairytale? It's painful but you need to do some work to understand what works for you (and presumably your daughter too as you mention having a three year old.) Describing a whirlwind and a best friend after six months doesn't sound compatible with long-term happiness as nothing could ever live up to that. No wonder you're heartbroken, you've been fed a pack of lies by this guy and have swallowed them. I'd work on being less naive - you can still be open to meet someone but you need to cop on a bit and see that old-fashioned romantic type guys are often quite misogynistic and not all they claim to be - they're putting on an act.

ImmutableSexQueen · 27/12/2021 08:48

I'm uncomfortable with the use of 'girls' (men refer to groups of women as 'girls', I don't know any women who do that) and 'older lady' and 'ladies'. It suggests someone adopting a persona that isn't natural to them. They aren't comfortable, so it makes me uncomfortable.

GrandmasCat · 27/12/2021 11:15

This is not a hurt heart but a hurt pride, you ended it because the moment you realised you were the OW, you knew that:

what you had was not real
He was a liar
you couldn’t trust him
there was no point to continue

… and you were right.

You are hurting because someone so low and shit as that chose to make you feel rejected by taking the higher ground.

This only shows he is even worse than a cheater, move on, your head knows it is for the better, let your head rule until your pride heals.

GrandmasCat · 27/12/2021 11:19

@ImmutableSexQueen

That’s bullshit, my boss call us all “ladies” even when she is much older then the majority of the team, and my female friends refer to their multiple female friends as “girls”

I don’t like it, but the fact thatI don’t like it doesn’t mean my boss and female friends who use it are actually men.

ImmutableSexQueen · 27/12/2021 11:30

Ha! You have your opinion @GrandmasCat, and I have mine.

GrandmasCat · 27/12/2021 11:51

That’s fine, you are free to suspect any woman using those terms of being a man. I just find referring to females as girls and ladies utterly infuriating but doesn’t make me doubt their sexuality.

bluebell34567 · 27/12/2021 12:15

I don’t know why, but I used to think this didn’t happen to older people!

you are only 33 and seems havent had experince of meeting such men.

ImmutableSexQueen · 27/12/2021 13:24

@GrandmasCat

Only happens on MN, because so many posts are by female impersonators.

SilverBirchWithout · 27/12/2021 13:32

@ImmutableSexQueen

Absolutely. My spidery instincts suggest this person is no ‘lady’ themselves.

Original poster

Pinkdiamond44 · 27/12/2021 16:45

Wow. I’m sorry to all of the lovely posters on here but as for the bizarre stating I’m a male??! Are you all ok huns????

I’m posting because my heart is broken and I’m looking for solace or hope or something. Talk about kicking people when they’re down. Do you not have anything better to do with your time?? If you can’t say nothing nice then you shouldn’t be saying it at all.

No wonder this forum has such a bad rep with negativity like this flowing through. There really is no need to put a dampener on a thread full of lovely people who are actually helping me feel much better.

Are people that sensitive that I can’t say ‘ladies’?? Isn’t that better and much more polite than me saying ‘women’ or ‘girls’. You need to get a grip if you’re offended by that by the way. In the nicest possible way! Just looks like you’re trying to pick at holes.

Thank you again to the lovely posters on here. I still feel rubbish!! For the record I’m a 33 year old blonde ‘lady’ as opposed to a balding man named Eric

OP posts:

PosiePerkinPootleFlump · 27/12/2021 16:53

This is such a big red flag:

This guy put me on a pedestal, was always in complete awe and infatuation with me and just made me feel like I was the most special lady on the planet.

It suggests eithet a guy who is majorly insecure, or someone who is love bombing you then will get bored and move onto the next conquest

Original poster

Pinkdiamond44 · 27/12/2021 23:41

I found out via Instagram. He had a whole account with her under a different alias. It’s all there in black and white.

I just feel empty but trying to feel the pain to get through it!

It’s my birthday tomorrow aswell which is so rubbish! Happy 34th to me!

My friend has booked us a lovely spa day for us in Plymouth (about 45 mins from where I live) so that will be nice and hopefully take my mind off it.

Thanks for all being so great 😃

OP posts:

SunflowerTed · 28/12/2021 00:04

@Pinkdiamond44

Wow. I’m sorry to all of the lovely posters on here but as for the bizarre stating I’m a male??! Are you all ok huns????

Thank you again to the lovely posters on here. I still feel rubbish!! For the record I’m a 33 year old blonde ‘lady’ as opposed to a balding man named Eric

Ignore the nasty bitches. You sound lovely - well done you on being strong and taking control. It’ll take some time to feel better Enjoy your spa day, have some Prosecco with your lovely friend and chalk it down to an unlucky experience. We’ve all had a rotten apple or two! Still plenty of time to meet a nice fella. Good luck to you xxx

Thisisworsethananticpated · 28/12/2021 00:10

You did totally the right thing
I know you are understandably heartbroken
But you did good

He’s a lying cheat
And he fooled you
And he clearly lovebombed you x

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