Mum has turned into uncivilised mess

[MonetC81]

Sorry it’s a long one.
Backstory - My Parents divorced when I was 9 (we moved from family home my dad stayed put)
Long-standing bitter arguments between mum and dad - hated each other.
I moved out when getting with (now) DH in 2001 - moved across county (like you do when you’re 20 and have no worries ha!)
By this point my Mum on max dosage of Antidepressants. But was holding together a good job, company car, well paid etc. she had friends, occasional boyfriend etc. No-obvious issues.
Completely out of the blue (to me) she then Attempted suicide in about 2004- left a lovely suicide note saying how she blames me for leaving home and causing her depression, etc etc anyway- she made a long slow recovery, and my grandparents looked after her when I went back home (I had full time job, DH, etc, they were both retired) this was the end of her paid career, and she took early retirement and started doing volunteer work.
Grandparent (her dad) died in 2007
She gave up work everything to care for grandmother (her mum) full time, which was (imo) unnessasary as she was fully capable and had no illnesses or conditions, apart from grieving her just lost husband.
Grandmother (her mum) died in 2014.
Mums House fell into disrepair shortly after, depression took massive hold, didn’t garden, clean, didn’t look after herself. She had just given up. Cue a lot of health problems and vast weight gain- so much can’t get up the stairs without having to sit at the top to avoid a coronary.
She muddled through refusing help until Covid - I suggested she stay with us in lockdown (thought it would be a couple of weeks!) Throughout 18 long awful months, her behaviour included Lying, zero personal hygiene (I had to force her into shower and make her wash herself) urinating in the garden because she was too unfit and unhealthy to use bathroom upstairs, pretending to shower (wetting hair in sink and professing she had been in shower) never cleaned her room/changed sheets, washed her clothes, lived in absolute filth, did bare minimum around my house, and got to the point where she barely speaks to us (she has nothing to say, so she says, not because of conflict) She just sits in a corner reading or knitting. The smell is unreal. She won’t wash, or clean her teeth, and is slightly incontinent, she smokes 40 a day and is entirely inconsiderate that me, DH or DC don’t smoke and hate the smell. If she “makes a mess” in the bathroom, she leaves it for me to clean, and generally creates far more work for me. Leaves soiled underwear in washing pile, and everyone else has to deal with.

In my stupidity I suggested she sell her house and Moved nearer us. This happened 18 months after she lived with us, as my marriage was on the brink of divorce because of her. I can’t bear her in the house because of the smell, and her general ungratefullness and attitude to life. I have had MANY awkward conversations about her personal hygiene, which she ignores. She thinks we’re all being over sensitive. Christmas Day was a disaster as DH refused to be in the same room as he because of her smell (and I’d had a long convo with her beforehand about washing clean clothes etc before coming over) she did make some effort, but not enough to make much difference.

I’m at my wits end. I can’t stand her as a person, as she is disgusting, but of course love her as she’s my mum. But it’s causing massive issues. She has zero other family or friends, and I have no clue who to contact for help! I don’t know what to do for the best.
Thank you if you’ve read this far :( x

OMG you poor thing! I am beyond shocked that she blamed you for her attempted suicide. Sounds like you have been trying to make up for it ever since. You have gone above and beyond, time to step back. The whole situation sounds appalling and not fair for any of you, she can't make your lives miserable. Hope help can be got and things can improve before it's too late.

@Calamitydrayne

Totally agree *@wiltonian* regarding Diogenes syndrome. We looked I to this also. The rather cruel common name is senile squalor syndrome.

I think the way forward here may well be to establish if there are any health risks being posed. OP has stated her mum pees in the garden because she can't get up the stairs. I'm assuming she's not just peeing out there in that case either. That there is a pretty big health risk if she has neighbours, as is the house falling into disrepair and the garden being so badly overgrown. If she's semi detached all of that will be impacting on other people, the stink, the vermin, the potential shared party wall issues etc. It will also no found be seen as antisocial, which could be another route forward. In fact if she does have immediate neighbours that probably the one she needs to be more careful about.

@Calamitydrayne - it depends whether you own or rent your house. As I discovered, my mother owned hers and despite the fact that it was part of a terrace, it was almost impossible to get anyone interested in the state of it at all.

But I agree about the peeing, that does suggest a lack of capacity and bigger impacts for neighbours.

I'm confused @MonetC81
So she lived with you for 18 months during covid, which was a nightmare (for obvious reasons!) , and you then encouraged her to sell her house and move nearer to you, is that correct?

So does she now have her own house, but just nearer to you? Or is she now living with you?

If she has her own house, just take her home, and don't have her back in your house, it's not fair on you or your family.

i hope everything is better op and your dm at her own home.

I don’t know if this makes me hard hearted but you can’t prioritise or help her if she is this unwilling to help herself. When she passes (which might not be too long considering her health), you’ll wonder why you put her first and lost your DH in the process. You need to get her into a home as she needs professional care.