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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Mum has turned into uncivilised mess

80 replies

MonetC81 · 26/12/2021 06:55

Sorry it’s a long one.
Backstory - My Parents divorced when I was 9 (we moved from family home my dad stayed put)
Long-standing bitter arguments between mum and dad - hated each other.
I moved out when getting with (now) DH in 2001 - moved across county (like you do when you’re 20 and have no worries ha!)
By this point my Mum on max dosage of Antidepressants. But was holding together a good job, company car, well paid etc. she had friends, occasional boyfriend etc. No-obvious issues.
Completely out of the blue (to me) she then Attempted suicide in about 2004- left a lovely suicide note saying how she blames me for leaving home and causing her depression, etc etc anyway- she made a long slow recovery, and my grandparents looked after her when I went back home (I had full time job, DH, etc, they were both retired) this was the end of her paid career, and she took early retirement and started doing volunteer work.
Grandparent (her dad) died in 2007
She gave up work everything to care for grandmother (her mum) full time, which was (imo) unnessasary as she was fully capable and had no illnesses or conditions, apart from grieving her just lost husband.
Grandmother (her mum) died in 2014.
Mums House fell into disrepair shortly after, depression took massive hold, didn’t garden, clean, didn’t look after herself. She had just given up. Cue a lot of health problems and vast weight gain- so much can’t get up the stairs without having to sit at the top to avoid a coronary.
She muddled through refusing help until Covid - I suggested she stay with us in lockdown (thought it would be a couple of weeks!) Throughout 18 long awful months, her behaviour included Lying, zero personal hygiene (I had to force her into shower and make her wash herself) urinating in the garden because she was too unfit and unhealthy to use bathroom upstairs, pretending to shower (wetting hair in sink and professing she had been in shower) never cleaned her room/changed sheets, washed her clothes, lived in absolute filth, did bare minimum around my house, and got to the point where she barely speaks to us (she has nothing to say, so she says, not because of conflict) She just sits in a corner reading or knitting. The smell is unreal. She won’t wash, or clean her teeth, and is slightly incontinent, she smokes 40 a day and is entirely inconsiderate that me, DH or DC don’t smoke and hate the smell. If she “makes a mess” in the bathroom, she leaves it for me to clean, and generally creates far more work for me. Leaves soiled underwear in washing pile, and everyone else has to deal with.

In my stupidity I suggested she sell her house and Moved nearer us. This happened 18 months after she lived with us, as my marriage was on the brink of divorce because of her. I can’t bear her in the house because of the smell, and her general ungratefullness and attitude to life. I have had MANY awkward conversations about her personal hygiene, which she ignores. She thinks we’re all being over sensitive. Christmas Day was a disaster as DH refused to be in the same room as he because of her smell (and I’d had a long convo with her beforehand about washing clean clothes etc before coming over) she did make some effort, but not enough to make much difference.

I’m at my wits end. I can’t stand her as a person, as she is disgusting, but of course love her as she’s my mum. But it’s causing massive issues. She has zero other family or friends, and I have no clue who to contact for help! I don’t know what to do for the best.
Thank you if you’ve read this far :( x

OP posts:
Calamitydrayne · 26/12/2021 11:51

@Digestive28

Social services or GP will only intervene if she gives consent. It sounds like you have already said to hear what she needs to do and she has not done it, if she couldn’t do it and needed help then they may help but if she just says no you are stuck. Such a tough situation. Time to make some tough decisions and work out your priorities
That's not always the case. Read up thread, people have dealt with this sort of thing before without the consent of the person. Especially when their behaviour impacts on those living directly around them and it becomes a health risk to others.
inmyslippers · 26/12/2021 11:58

I work in adult social care, and your mother is exactly the sort of person we would visit and help.

^^ agreed! I think you have a heart of gold doing all this on your own op. But you can't pour from an empty cup. Time for help

Chloemol · 26/12/2021 12:01

Don’t you think it’s time adult social care we’re involved? You need proper support so I would start there

And yes I would never invite her over again, all visits other house

BurnedToast · 26/12/2021 12:01

This might be useful to you op www.mylifemycare.com/article/4861/Eligibility-for-adult-social-care-services

Toddlerteaplease · 26/12/2021 12:24

If she is deemed to have capacity and doesn't consent to
A social services referral. There is nothing they can do.

GoodnightGrandma · 26/12/2021 12:25

@Digestive28

Social services or GP will only intervene if she gives consent. It sounds like you have already said to hear what she needs to do and she has not done it, if she couldn’t do it and needed help then they may help but if she just says no you are stuck. Such a tough situation. Time to make some tough decisions and work out your priorities
Rubbish ! My MIL was harassing her neighbours and 999, not washing and eating. Refused dementia medication. They put carers in to sort it out, and got her into a care home via the courts when needed.
Toddlerteaplease · 26/12/2021 12:25

@GoodnightGrandma

They can put carers in place, and are very helpful when a person is in denial at their situation.
Not they can't. If there is not consent.
canary1 · 26/12/2021 12:28

So she has a home to live in? Why not move her back into that? Why is she staying with you all this time?

coffeeisthebest · 26/12/2021 12:33

Yes you need outside intervention as your Mum is manipulating you and you seem to be struggling to see that or place boundaries. That's going to affect you and your children and is clearly impacting your marriage. I would also advise therapy for you and take this phrase with you ' I can’t stand her as a person, as she is disgusting, but of course love her as she’s my mum' and unpick it in a safe environment. You appear to be under a mountain of obligation to someone who threatened suicide and said it was your fault.

PanicBuyingSprouts · 26/12/2021 12:34

Well done @BurnedToast for putting in some firm boundaries. What a heartbreaking situation for you to be in Thanks

BurnedToast · 26/12/2021 12:59

I have the occassional wobble, like Christmas day when we all went to my Uncles (dad's brother) and he wasn't invited. But actually most of the time it's fine because he has a way out. Give up drinking. But he won't so therefore it's his choice to be excluded.

Calamitydrayne · 26/12/2021 13:05

@Toddlerteaplease

If she is deemed to have capacity and doesn't consent to A social services referral. There is nothing they can do.
Try reading the legislation. Better still try reading the thread. They can and do intervene without the person's consent, particularly as I've pointed out repeatedly where their behaviour is causing a health risk to other residents. I've already dealt with this myself in the past.
WhoWants2Know · 26/12/2021 13:08

Good practice is to assume that people have capacity to make decisions about their wellbeing, and that they have the right to make unwise decisions. But there are some indicators that that your mum may lack capacity in some areas.

Where a person lacks capacity to manage their health and well-being, medical and social services are allowed to intervene and make decisions in that person's best interest. That could include putting a care package in place to assist with personal care and managing her environment.

WoodenReindeer · 26/12/2021 13:09

The OPs mum isn't causing a risk to other residents though is she?

We've battled with this repeatedly over the years - it has been incredibly difficult to get help if they don't consent and are lucid.

WoodenReindeer · 26/12/2021 13:10

My mum has multiple times refused care packages or "sacked" the people that came. 🤷‍♀️.

Calamitydrayne · 26/12/2021 13:14

@WoodenReindeer

The OPs mum isn't causing a risk to other residents though is she?

We've battled with this repeatedly over the years - it has been incredibly difficult to get help if they don't consent and are lucid.

How do you know? If she's semi detached and has a property falling into disrepair and a badly overgrown garden as OP stated then yes, she is impacting on other people.
Calamitydrayne · 26/12/2021 13:15

Pissing in her own garden will be causing a health hazzard and attracting vermin to the neighborhood.

wiltonian · 26/12/2021 13:30

If she’s living in her own house, social services are pretty much the only people who might help, and I can tell you that from experience with my own mother.

It’s not an entirely unusual state of things and there is a name for it, Diogenes Syndrome but that doesn’t give you any answers, just tells you you are not alone。As a PP said, it’s often associated with frontal dementia, or alcoholism.

I wish I could give you some advice or help but nothing worked for me and one of the things that Diogenes is associated with is intense stubbornness. So just try and find the level of contact that works for you for now. And you may have to wait for things to get worse before you can get help but none of this is your fault

moremoony · 26/12/2021 13:36

Ring Age Concern. They can advise you

Calamitydrayne · 26/12/2021 13:43

Totally agree @wiltonian regarding Diogenes syndrome. We looked I to this also. The rather cruel common name is senile squalor syndrome.

I think the way forward here may well be to establish if there are any health risks being posed. OP has stated her mum pees in the garden because she can't get up the stairs. I'm assuming she's not just peeing out there in that case either. That there is a pretty big health risk if she has neighbours, as is the house falling into disrepair and the garden being so badly overgrown. If she's semi detached all of that will be impacting on other people, the stink, the vermin, the potential shared party wall issues etc. It will also no found be seen as antisocial, which could be another route forward. In fact if she does have immediate neighbours that probably the one she needs to be more careful about.

bluebell34567 · 26/12/2021 13:44

@HollowTalk

That sounds horrendous. So is she still at your house? Does she ever go to her own place? Personally I'd go to hers now and put the heating on, stock up her fridge today and take her back. I'd tell adult social services to make an assessment. Don't lose your marriage over this.
absolutely.
Triffiddealer · 26/12/2021 13:46

Lots of disagreement about whether social services can/will help but you can only try OP - good luck and Age Concern is a good recommendation too.

The main thing is that you step back. Your Mum is not fixable by you. Her mental health needs sound complex and not the type that will be solved by anti-depressants and she sounds unlikely to accept that she has an issue anyway.

You have a husband and children and they need a mum who is not ground down and exhausted. You also deserve a life and happiness. If possible, could you see your own therapist to help you sort out priorities and identify the ‘guilt triggers’ that keep drawing you back in. I’m assuming you are an only child (sorry not read whole thread) so guilt is often really exaggerated in only children (when they have a manipulative parent). You need to break the pattern before she completely ruins your family life too

SocialConnection · 26/12/2021 14:15

Your children, husband, family life, home and your own wellbeing are being affected by this.

She has severe mental health issues - abandoning hygiene is a symptom, as are addictions like chain smoking. Is she a hoarder too?

GP, adult social care. They're overstretched but getting the ball rolling will start the process. Document everything clearly and calmly as though you're writing up a case. It will help in converdations.

This is your home that's being put under huge strain and she needs help you're not qualified to give. There re experts, professionals whose job and calling it is to help in these situations.

PanicBuyingSprouts · 26/12/2021 14:49

I have the occassional wobble, like Christmas day when we all went to my Uncles (dad's brother) and he wasn't invited. But actually most of the time it's fine because he has a way out. Give up drinking. But he won't so therefore it's his choice to be excluded

Bloody good for you. I can't imagine what he's put you through for you to have installed this barrier to protect yourself, but really well done for having the strength to protect yourself Thanks

PanicBuyingSprouts · 26/12/2021 14:51

Yes you need outside intervention as your Mum is manipulating you and you seem to be struggling to see that or place boundaries. That's going to affect you and your children and is clearly impacting your marriage. I would also advise therapy for you and take this phrase with you ' I can’t stand her as a person, as she is disgusting, but of course love her as she’s my mum' and unpick it in a safe environment. You appear to be under a mountain of obligation to someone who threatened suicide and said it was your fault.

Absolutely. The OPs mother has consistently refused help abs blaming the attempted suicide on her own DD is just awful.

You owe her nothing OP and certainly not your marriage.