Mum has turned into uncivilised mess

[MonetC81]

Sorry it’s a long one.
Backstory - My Parents divorced when I was 9 (we moved from family home my dad stayed put)
Long-standing bitter arguments between mum and dad - hated each other.
I moved out when getting with (now) DH in 2001 - moved across county (like you do when you’re 20 and have no worries ha!)
By this point my Mum on max dosage of Antidepressants. But was holding together a good job, company car, well paid etc. she had friends, occasional boyfriend etc. No-obvious issues.
Completely out of the blue (to me) she then Attempted suicide in about 2004- left a lovely suicide note saying how she blames me for leaving home and causing her depression, etc etc anyway- she made a long slow recovery, and my grandparents looked after her when I went back home (I had full time job, DH, etc, they were both retired) this was the end of her paid career, and she took early retirement and started doing volunteer work.
Grandparent (her dad) died in 2007
She gave up work everything to care for grandmother (her mum) full time, which was (imo) unnessasary as she was fully capable and had no illnesses or conditions, apart from grieving her just lost husband.
Grandmother (her mum) died in 2014.
Mums House fell into disrepair shortly after, depression took massive hold, didn’t garden, clean, didn’t look after herself. She had just given up. Cue a lot of health problems and vast weight gain- so much can’t get up the stairs without having to sit at the top to avoid a coronary.
She muddled through refusing help until Covid - I suggested she stay with us in lockdown (thought it would be a couple of weeks!) Throughout 18 long awful months, her behaviour included Lying, zero personal hygiene (I had to force her into shower and make her wash herself) urinating in the garden because she was too unfit and unhealthy to use bathroom upstairs, pretending to shower (wetting hair in sink and professing she had been in shower) never cleaned her room/changed sheets, washed her clothes, lived in absolute filth, did bare minimum around my house, and got to the point where she barely speaks to us (she has nothing to say, so she says, not because of conflict) She just sits in a corner reading or knitting. The smell is unreal. She won’t wash, or clean her teeth, and is slightly incontinent, she smokes 40 a day and is entirely inconsiderate that me, DH or DC don’t smoke and hate the smell. If she “makes a mess” in the bathroom, she leaves it for me to clean, and generally creates far more work for me. Leaves soiled underwear in washing pile, and everyone else has to deal with.

In my stupidity I suggested she sell her house and Moved nearer us. This happened 18 months after she lived with us, as my marriage was on the brink of divorce because of her. I can’t bear her in the house because of the smell, and her general ungratefullness and attitude to life. I have had MANY awkward conversations about her personal hygiene, which she ignores. She thinks we’re all being over sensitive. Christmas Day was a disaster as DH refused to be in the same room as he because of her smell (and I’d had a long convo with her beforehand about washing clean clothes etc before coming over) she did make some effort, but not enough to make much difference.

I’m at my wits end. I can’t stand her as a person, as she is disgusting, but of course love her as she’s my mum. But it’s causing massive issues. She has zero other family or friends, and I have no clue who to contact for help! I don’t know what to do for the best.
Thank you if you’ve read this far :( x

You can ring the GP, you don't have to get her to do it. Make it clear that you understand that they can't tell you anything but that she needs seeing urgently. I've had to do this with a relative and they called them in for a "health check" where fortunately the relative opened up and medication was altered.

I know she's your DM but you shouldn't lose your marriage over how she chooses to live her life. My DM isn't nearly as bad as yours but is very rarely invited here.

Have a Google of FOG (fear, obligation and guilt).

I think it's pretty shit I'd her to blame you for her attempted suicide as well. You simply grew up and moved away, that's pretty normal behaviour

www.nhs.uk/conditions/social-care-and-support-guide/help-from-social-services-and-charities/getting-a-needs-assessment/

You shouldn’t be dealing with this on your own.

Put yourself and your own family first and foremost now and for a change. You have gone above and beyond re your mother and its not been at all appreciated nor even reciprocated.

Its not your fault she is like this and you did not make her that way. You absolutely did not cause her to become depressed or to attempt suicide all those years ago; that is a choice she herself made. To blame you for causing her depression is wrong as well as emotionally abusive and manipulative.

Given this as well you are going to have to ask yourself some awkward questions going forward namely why you asked her to move in with you and then have her move closer. You cannot just put that down to mere stupidity. Are you still even now trying to seek her approval?. What are your boundaries like re this woman; they seem well skewed and otherwise messed up in any case. It may well be an idea to talk to someone like a therapist re your relationship and lack of with your mother.

You need to call Adult Social Services re obtaining a care assessment and her GP re your mother, who is basically your mother in name only.

Forgot to add, if you haven't got them already, I'd talk to her about getting POA for Health and Finance. You don't necessarily have to do anything with them yet but can be extremely useful if she deteriorates and can cause problems if you don't have them in place.

How awful, you have my sympathies. As well as getting social services involved I think you should start visiting her in her house more rather than inviting her to yours. And next Christmas plan to go away somewhere just your own household not her - rent a holiday cottage or something and tell her you and your husband need to get away to relax. It sounds harsh but she sounds like a horrible person with her awful suicide note. It sounds like she has severe mental health issues - not her fault but not yours either and the current situation is affecting your other relationships.

So sorry for you in all this, but I would say put your marriage before your mother in this case. Try social services to get her some help, but frankly you have to walk away

Can she physically wash? Is the new place she lives got the right set up- ie walk in wet room? I'd get an occupational therapist round to do an assessment.
I've seen people pretend everything is fine (even pretend to themselves) as they just can't do whatever is needed and then get into a habit of it. I'm sure there is lots of other stuff going on here too but that's where I'd start.

I would suspect frontal dementia
This would cause apathy and personality change
You absolutely must get her seen by GP and referred to a specialist and to have a brain scan

You need adult services involved in this. They can be a lot more persuasive than family members. We had this when my mother lived in a converted house. The tenant below her was a lifelong alcoholic and the smell permeated the whole house. It came to a head when he had a fall and an ambulance was called, it turned out he routinely had no gas or electric from spending the money on booze, there were empty cans and bottles in every room stacked floor to ceiling. The place was filthy and unfit to live in. The neighbours persuaded him to agree to let them clear the place up and spent weeks filling skips outside, they also paid for a cleaner for him. All looked good for a year then he stopped letting the cleaner in. Shortly after my mother got terminal cancer and while undergoing treatment started getting mice coming through her floorboards. I eventually got in there and he had done it again, rubbish and empties piled to the ceiling in every room. I got adult social services involved and because another tenant who was dying from cancer was being effected by the way he was living they were very firm and didn't let up. He was convinced the mice weren't coming from his property even though the social workers were complaining they couldn't sit down because everything was coated in mouse droppings. It wasn't much longer before he was moved into sheltered housing. It was a long battle and he resisted at every turn but once adult social services were involved things changed. She's not going to like it but this is what you need to do. If you mum's house is semi detached this will have an impact on other people.

You have to stop the charade that this is in any way a normal, manageable situation. That ended with the suicide note, really. You are absolutely entitled to decide the rules in your house and if the rules include "only people who have basic manners and don't stink of piss" you are allowed to enforce that.

My dad got a tiny bit like this (double incontinence, due to diabetic nerve damage) towards the end of his life, but I never really had to deal with it because he lived a long way away and stopped being able to visit (and a health crisis of my own meant I couldn't travel to him ). But I do remember challenging him on leaving shit all over the bathroom after he'd soiled himself once, and it was like iron shutters coming down, the way he blanked me.

So you may or may not be able to get anywhere at all in talking to her. But that is her choice. You, by the same token, are absolutely entitled to stop having her round.

"No mum, you can't come round. I can't cope with the cleaning or with the BO."

You honestly DO NOT OWE HER ANYTHING.

It might be helpful for you to think about what need in yourself you are fulfilling by tolerating her and her visits. Does she give anything in return? If not, are you hoping one day she will? Or are you assuming you will be judged for abandoning her. Is that actually, going to happen, or is the judgement actually from inside.

I say this because although you write about this wreck of a person as though it was obvious you should have her in your home, from outside it looks madness. (Well it does to me anyway)

Im not sure you are even helping her really, given that she is clearly in a terrible way mentally and physically. You are not a treatment service - and if you were, your mother would need a more effective one anyway. So it is time to get realistic.

None of this is your fault. Stay strong.

We're in a similar but different situation. Im curoous by the responses as SS wont do anything if they consider the person to have capacity. Which was our problem. Mum just refused all help - meaning I felt responsible.

I dont think they can force help in someone. Its taken an awful lot to have mum sectioned in the past. Choosing not to wash wouldn't cut it.

I had the suicide attempt blamed on me as a teen too. 😔

@WoodenReindeer

We're in a similar but different situation. Im curoous by the responses as SS wont do anything if they consider the person to have capacity. Which was our problem. Mum just refused all help - meaning I felt responsible.

I dont think they can force help in someone. Its taken an awful lot to have mum sectioned in the past. Choosing not to wash wouldn't cut it.

For us the key was when the way they were living wasn't just impacting in themselves but started to pose a health risk to immediate neighbours in the same property.

I am actively withdrawing at the moment though. Got down to twice a qeek and going down to once a qeek when term starts.

U used to worry if I hadn't spoken to her each day she'd have fallen and be laying there (quite possibpe) but have had to stop that as I can't keep it up.

There just isn't the help available to "step in" that you'd want ... if the person actively refuses.

Sorr

Yes I could see if it impacted others it could make a difference. It's all so difficult.

Imagine your husband had invited his Mother to live with you for eighteen months. Imagine she was like your mother in terms of hygiene.
Imagine your anger and frustration primarily with him. You are choosing to prioritise your mother over other family members. It is an act of disloyalty to them.
Imagine the MN comments about a husband who did what you have done to your family. Then use this anger to deal effectively with your mother.

@WoodenReindeer

We're in a similar but different situation. Im curoous by the responses as SS wont do anything if they consider the person to have capacity. Which was our problem. Mum just refused all help - meaning I felt responsible.

I dont think they can force help in someone. Its taken an awful lot to have mum sectioned in the past. Choosing not to wash wouldn't cut it.

But if OP arranges a SS assessment and her mum refuses even that then it may well be easier to draw a boundary.

@Oblomov21

You can ring her GP and log your concerns. You can also gently insist she rings her GP with you there. You need to be much more proactive.

By the sounds of it you can 'gently' (I hate that expression!) all you like.

Be it depression or sheer bloody mindedness, the OP's mother will do exactly as she pleases

@WoodenReindeer

Yes I could see if it impacted others it could make a difference. It's all so difficult.

It is. We kept quiet for years because he was a volatile drunk but once the surrounding neighbours found out what was going on, it was then exposed and got a lot of attention. Social services did make the point that receiving complaints from another tenant inside the same building may have got it resolved a lot sooner. Obviously while I was nursing a bedridden dying parent around the clock, mice crawling around the bedroom was a step too far even for me. I recall the neighbour being quite abusive and calling me Hitler for getting social services involved. I also remember pitying his new neighbours when they rehoused him. Picture Mr Trebus but with a 2litre of brandy a day habit.....

@larkle

Imagine your husband had invited his Mother to live with you for eighteen months. Imagine she was like your mother in terms of hygiene. Imagine your anger and frustration primarily with him. You are choosing to prioritise your mother over other family members. It is an act of disloyalty to them. Imagine the MN comments about a husband who did what you have done to your family. Then use this anger to deal effectively with your mother.

^^This

And how much is because you have internalised what she said about you causing her suicide attempt?

Do you still see your dad? Is he still around? (notice you don't mention him further). Sounds like he might have had valid reasons for leaving - though no excuse if he abandoned you

Stopping her from coming to your house will be a good first step. In my case, I've told my father that his drinking means he isn't welcome. That gives him a direct consequence to what he's doing, puts the onus on him to change if he wants something different and reduces alot of stress on me and our family. His visits always ended with me in tears, DH and I arguing and the DCs upset at his continued failure to be a half decent Grandad. If he pushes I just respond by asking if he's booked rehab yet. When he has we can talk about him visiting our home. He chooses alcohol over us. Your mother is not so different. Whatever the cause she has failed to do anything constructive to help herself.

I work in adult social care, and your mother is exactly the sort of person we would visit and help.

You need to contact adult social services with urgency. Your mother is clearly very unwell and nothing you can say or do will shake her out of it.

I can understand why you feel so revolted and yet so conflicted, but honestly, you can't change this without intervention from HCPs and social services.

I would not expect your DH and children to tolerate her in your house while she's like this. I'm amazed you all put up with it for as long as you did, you sound like a saint.

You visit her in her own home from now on, as often as you can bear to. But if you find even that too much then I doubt anyone would judge you for it. You'd done your best. It's time to put yourself and your own family first.

Social services or GP will only intervene if she gives consent. It sounds like you have already said to hear what she needs to do and she has not done it, if she couldn’t do it and needed help then they may help but if she just says no you are stuck.
Such a tough situation. Time to make some tough decisions and work out your priorities