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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Been told my DP that I've ruined Christmas

99 replies

clothesshoes · 25/12/2021 11:13

Not really sure what I've done wrong to be honest, I'm 9 months pregnant and due any day we have agreed to spend Christmas separately as I cannot travel far so he is seeing his family with his son which is 2 hours away for me and I am staying with my family so I don't have to travel (I have very low iron, so get extremely dizzy and faint and now I am on alert for GED and pre-eclampsia after some dodgy tests this week such as very high blood sugar and ketones and protein in urine) we agreed he would come over to my families for lunch tomorrow and now he has said he cannot get over until 4/5 and I explained this isn't suitable as my parents are hosting from 11 and they can't be hosting until evening time as my DSM has severe epilepsy and cannot do too much before she needs to go to bed and rest. He has now said I have ruined Christmas so now I am sitting here on my own wondering what I have done wrong, to top it off today is also my birthday today, I'm a Christmas baby just hoping little one holds in a bit longer so they are not also.

Sorry to put a downer on the day just felt I needed to vent

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 25/12/2021 14:50

@user15364596354862

but then I don't want to be 'that woman' who he will act like I don't let him see his baby

How is being a woman who knowingly and deliberately brings a child into an abusive environment preferable? Genuinely, have you followed your thought process through? Because that's where your statement ends and I have a hard time believing that's what you want for your baby.

Don't stay because of pride. You're talking about causing lifelong long term suffering to you and your child for the sake of avoiding some momentary short term discomfort.

That's not rational.

Who the fuck cares if he chats shit about you out of your earshot to people who aren't part of your life anyway? So what?

You can't make such major decisions based on fear of what you imagine other people may possibly be thinking about you. Most people don't spend much time thinking about anyone else, and even if they do - their thoughts can't hurt you.

Staying out of pride is a huge mistake. You have an opportunity to safeguard you and your baby's future by leaving. Seize it. Flowers

Brilliant post.
Doodlepipset · 25/12/2021 14:51

Hi I agree tell him not to bother, if he acts like this now then what does the future hold. Sorry I couldn't say anything more positive but he really is being a dick!!!

RowsOfHolly · 25/12/2021 15:07

No plans he just doesn't want to rush back over, which is fair enough

Nope, not remotely ‘fair enough’. Fine to see his son and Dad but then he should be doing his best to rush straight back.

OP, you can absolutely have a stable family. A good mother and a child is a stable family.

You seem very concerned with what others will think… your family… people in general about a single Mum… who cares? What matters is your happiness. IMO people admire a good strong woman being a great single Mum over a woman who ties herself to a useless git and lives a life of misery and disappointment.

HomeTheatreSystem · 25/12/2021 15:25

Swallow your pride, save your and your baby's future. Your DP is a waste of space.

RedToothBrush · 25/12/2021 15:26

Its Christmas Day. Its your birthday. You are nine months pregnant and have a complicated pregnancy.

He is abusing you emotionally by saying you have ruined his Christmas.

If you aren't his priority today, you never will be.

Is that what you want for the rest of your life?

Think very carefully. There is a big red flag here.

BookFiend4Life · 25/12/2021 15:44

OP I think you should try to find a community outside your family and "D"P. Online or in person, can you find some new mom groups? There will be lots of people that are excited to share the good news of your pregnancy and make you feel less isolated. Your partner isn't bringing you joy, it will be much easier for you to build some on your own without worrying about him!

Ohpulltheotherone · 25/12/2021 17:30

So you’re going to stay in this relationship out of embarrassment? That some people may or may not think you’ve made a mistake? And you don’t want the “I told you so” echoing around you?

If there’s any reason to not stay in a relationship it’s because of what other people think. If they have an issue then let them be in a relationship with him.

Let’s be honest and blunt here OP, this man isn’t going to change.
Your relationship isn’t going to change.
He will either eventually ground you down so much that you will leave, but it’ll take you years and you’ll be a husk of a woman first.
Or he’ll cheat / find someone else and leave you once he’s had his fill of controlling and manipulating you.

So, this isn’t your happy ending or dream life. You can either face up to that now and save yourself many years of heartache and protect your child from a toxic and damaging childhood.
Or you can stay and regret that decision weekly if not eventually daily.

ChiefStockingStuffer · 25/12/2021 17:36

You'd rather be absolutely miserable and come last in a terrible relationship then leave him and because your family members might reiterate they never liked him? Really?!? They'll be expressing primarily that they're relieved and that you've done the right thing. Focus on that.

Good grief.

gsaoej · 25/12/2021 17:46

End it now and save yourself a lifetime of being treated like shit. I wonder why his first wife/partner binned him off - she must be happy to be rid of him.

CatDogAlpaca · 25/12/2021 21:57

Please listen to all the PPs here. I stayed because I didn't want the 'told you so' comments. Stupid mistake. My poor dd is in therapy to deal with all the shit that man did to me and her.

timeisnotaline · 25/12/2021 23:26

I don't want to be 'that woman' who he will act like I don't let him see his baby your choices are have an abusive man tell lies about you, and all your family and friends will know they are lies, or bring your baby into an abusive relationship where they are a second class citizen who is constantly reminded how unimportant they and their mother are, and told they ruin everything if they dare want anything. There’s no choice there if you want to be a good parent.

MondeoFan · 25/12/2021 23:30

Hope you are ok Op and have had a reasonable day. Hope your family have looked after you. I really feel for you. Happy birthday

FairFuming · 25/12/2021 23:46

Bringing your baby up on your own will be hard but so much easier than doing it with an emotionally abusive arse. I know because I've left my ex who was like that and my god everything us easier. I wish I'd done it years ago. We are all so much happier and after counselling and some time away from him I feel like me again finally.
You deserve this too. Living on eggshells is awful

WhereYouLeftIt · 25/12/2021 23:47

"I'm terrified that my family are going to be like 'I told you so' they really pushed for me to have an abortion and I stood my ground and said no I can have a stable family etc and now this is all happening all of a sudden he was so nice at the beginning but it seems when he has had a bad week I am just always in the wrong, I honestly sometimes think need to go and live far away near the seaside with baby and have nothing to do with him but then I don't want to be 'that woman' who he will act like I don't let him see his baby"

Something that stood out to me here was

  1. You're worried about your family saying 'I told you so'
  2. You're worried about him saying 'she won't let me see my baby'.

Frankly, you worry about what people will say just a bit too much. So what if your family say 'I told you so'? You just respond that yes they did but the baby is here now and that's irrelevant now. So what if he whines that you won't let him see the baby that he has no interest in?People who listen to him don't matter and people who matter won't be listening to him.

You and your child will be a stable family. Having nothing to do with this man sounds like a good plan - he'll be nothing but a drain on your life.

AgentJohnson · 26/12/2021 05:21

Don’t let you misplaced pride stop you from prioritising you and your child over someone who sees you as an option. He has clearly proven that his routine comes before you and your babies health.

Running away to the coast doesn’t solve anything and is just something you tell yourself to avoid doing something now.

beenthereboughtthetshirt · 26/12/2021 05:52

I honestly sometimes think need to go and live far away near the seaside with baby and have nothing to do with him but then I don't want to be 'that woman' who he will act like I don't let him see his baby

How will you notice the difference given he does want to see you while you are pregnant let alone when the baby's here.

You will gain nothing by staying but you will gain everything by leaving Flowers

beenthereboughtthetshirt · 26/12/2021 05:52

*does not want to see you

MrTumblesSpottyHag · 26/12/2021 06:07

It's not you, it's him. What an arsehole 😡

Staryflight445 · 26/12/2021 07:30

If anything by staying with him you’re proving your family right.
Leaving him shows that you can have a stable family as a single parent.

RunRunGingerbreadMan · 26/12/2021 07:40

I hope this thread has made it clear that you and your unborn baby deserve better. I expect the mother of his first child realised that too. He just sounds awful, I can't imagine any decent man abandoning their partner in similar circumstances like he has. Try and have a lovely day with your family, it sounds as though the time without him will probably be more enjoyable than any spent with him could be. You and your baby can and will be your family, neither of you need someone who simply won't be there for you.

RobertsYourFathersBrother · 26/12/2021 07:45

This.

Totalwasteofpaper · 26/12/2021 07:55

@user15364596354862

but then I don't want to be 'that woman' who he will act like I don't let him see his baby

How is being a woman who knowingly and deliberately brings a child into an abusive environment preferable? Genuinely, have you followed your thought process through? Because that's where your statement ends and I have a hard time believing that's what you want for your baby.

Don't stay because of pride. You're talking about causing lifelong long term suffering to you and your child for the sake of avoiding some momentary short term discomfort.

That's not rational.

Who the fuck cares if he chats shit about you out of your earshot to people who aren't part of your life anyway? So what?

You can't make such major decisions based on fear of what you imagine other people may possibly be thinking about you. Most people don't spend much time thinking about anyone else, and even if they do - their thoughts can't hurt you.

Staying out of pride is a huge mistake. You have an opportunity to safeguard you and your baby's future by leaving. Seize it. Flowers

It's worth requoting this again. Because it is a brilliant post.

Please read and listen to it.
Lord knows I wish my mother had.

EerieSilence · 26/12/2021 08:05

Do you want to be that woman that raises a child in an abusive relationship for the sake of her pride? You're on the best way to become her, congratulations. You want to destroy yourself and your child's future because of an selfish and abusive twat. Hope he is worth it.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 26/12/2021 08:08

If you are going to end it , end it now
Don’t waste years x

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