Page 3 | Been told my DP that I've ruined Christmas

clothesshoes · 2021-12-25T11:13:51+00:00

Not really sure what I've done wrong to be honest, I'm 9 months pregnant and due any day we have agreed to spend Christmas separately as I cannot travel far so he is seeing his family with his son which is 2 hours away for me and I am staying with my family so I don't have to travel (I have very low iron, so get extremely dizzy and faint and now I am on alert for GED and pre-eclampsia after some dodgy tests this week such as very high blood sugar and ketones and protein in urine) we agreed he would come over to my families for lunch tomorrow and now he has said he cannot get over until 4/5 and I explained this isn't suitable as my parents are hosting from 11 and they can't be hosting until evening time as my DSM has severe epilepsy and cannot do too much before she needs to go to bed and rest. He has now said I have ruined Christmas so now I am sitting here on my own wondering what I have done wrong, to top it off today is also my birthday today, I'm a Christmas baby just hoping little one holds in a bit longer so they are not also. Sorry to put a downer on the day just felt I needed to vent

NdujaWannaDance · 25/12/2021 12:54

He’s allowed to want to spend Christmas with his child. If it was 1st child’s mum posting here saying ex hadn’t showed up for Christmas with child because he has a new family and it’s new partners birthday we would all be agreeing with her that he’s a shit (which he still is but for a different reason)

Her birthday is not the point. The fact that she could go into labour any minute is the point. And he could have seen his son without going two hours away by the sounds of things.

DP wants to travel to his dads as he does every year and was certain on doing that with no compromise

Is he going to want to do that every year on your birthday then? Including when you've got a baby/toddler and would rather be at home?

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 25/12/2021 12:57

He is a selfish useless shit. Do your own thing and happy birthday. Consider giving yourself the best x.as gift and get rid of him.

sunshinesupermum · 25/12/2021 12:58

So sorry OP. He is BVU and frankly he deserves the boot. Wishing you well for your forthcoming birth

Funnylittlefloozie · 25/12/2021 12:58

@SocialConnection

It's Christmas Day It's your birthday You're about to give birth You're not feeling well

He's chosen to be anywhere but with you today

He's saying YOU'VE ruined Christmas?

Just like A Christmas Carol, he's showing you a preview of Christmasses yet to come.

This is what life is going to be like for you and your baby.

Sharing with us will get you responses you maybe don't want to have to consider, but that's the thing about Mumsnet - tough love from women who'll tell it like it is.

Exactly this. He's horrible, OP.

user15364596354862 · 25/12/2021 12:58

OP you have posted many many times about this man. You are so vulnerable and this man is not good for you. You’ve been told this on every thread. End this relationship for your own well-being. You keep having expectations of him treating you better and it never happens.

What will it take for you to leave him, op?

Original poster

clothesshoes · 25/12/2021 13:04

@user15364596354862

OP you have posted many many times about this man. You are so vulnerable and this man is not good for you. You’ve been told this on every thread. End this relationship for your own well-being. You keep having expectations of him treating you better and it never happens.

What will it take for you to leave him, op?

I'm terrified that my family are going to be like 'I told you so' they really pushed for me to have an abortion and I stood my ground and said no I can have a stable family etc and now this is all happening all of a sudden he was so nice at the beginning but it seems when he has had a bad week I am just always in the wrong, I honestly sometimes think need to go and live far away near the seaside with baby and have nothing to do with him but then I don't want to be 'that woman' who he will act like I don't let him see his baby

OP posts:

MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry · 25/12/2021 13:12

I'm terrified that my family are going to be like 'I told you so'

That’s not a thing to be terrified of. It really isn’t. It’s just a pride thing. It doesn’t matter if others were right about him, it matters that you and your baby are living free from emotional neglect and abuse. It matters that the people who you allow to share your home respect you. It matters that the people you allow to share your life treat you like you are one of the most important people in their lives, not a “I might make it for 5” option. It matters that they don’t eat the food they sat and watched you batch cook and freeze for after your baby is born while they sat on the sofa and gamed.

Your family’s “I told you so” is absolutely minuscule in comparison to a lifetime of being constantly this man’s second choice.

LyraLaVey · 25/12/2021 13:12

Op, let this be the final straw. If he can let you down now, when you are carrying his child, due to give birth imminently, unwell, on your birthday and Christmas, you can never ever trust him or rely on him to be any kind of a partner.

This is him showing you how much he cares about you. You have to flick that switch in your mind, turn your energy inwards, to yourself and your baby. You need to have people you can trust around you right now. Reach out to all those who you care about, and make that decision.

Life with a loser who treats you and his unborn child so callously is SO much harder than raising your child yourself. I know this is not what you want to read, I'm so deeply sorry to have to say this, but you can't ignore this, love.

NdujaWannaDance · 25/12/2021 13:16

Okay there is obviously a backstory here that I don't know, but having seen your other thread under this name, I get the general idea.

This man doesnt care about you. It's quite simple. I think he probably wishes you were not having his baby. He clearly has no intention making you, or your child a priority.

CornishTiger · 25/12/2021 13:16

You can be a stable family. As a single parent.

Family doesn’t need to include this selfish vile man.

Is he drinking today too?

LyraLaVey · 25/12/2021 13:20

I bet your family would just be relieved if you left. You deserve so much more than this, you have to choose you and your baby. He will only ever let you down. Go on Rightmove and look at little places at the seaside. Imagine a happy life with your gorgeous baby without someone making you cry and hurting you. If he wants to put the effort in to be a good dad he will, that's his choice.

Being a good mum is also about listening to yourself, choosing yourself, caring for yourself so you can be there for your baby in the best way you can. You don't want your memories filled with dealing with his shit all the time. You can have a life of freedom surrounded by people who love you and treat you with care, and you are the only person who can make that happen.

Mumsnet caught me when I left, it will catch you too. You're not alone.

NdujaWannaDance · 25/12/2021 13:24

I'm terrified that my family are going to be like 'I told you so'

That’s not a thing to be terrified of. It really isn’t. It’s just a pride thing. It doesn’t matter if others were right about him, it matters that you and your baby are living free from emotional neglect and abuse.

Agree with this. Let's face it, they are going to be thinking I told you so, whether you break up with him now or drag it out and break up in a year or two's time, but one thing is guaranteed - you will break up with him, sooner or later.

Better to get it over with. Focus on building a life for just you and your baby and let your family support you with that. It's got to be better than spending any more time feeling confused and lonely and undervalued because he clearly doesn't want to be a proper family unit, even if he pretends he does.

ddl1 · 25/12/2021 13:27

That's very selfish of him. You are about to give birth; having associated health problems; being hosted by your SM with her own health problems; and not only can't he adapt his plans to this, but he's making YOU the bad guy.

If he can't or won't 'do Christmas' with you this year, well. that's bad enough, but what is really awful is that he may not be around to support you in giving birth and possibly medical issues.

I know it's important that he sees his son, but he's going to have to juggle his time with his children every Christmas from now on (to be blunt, if that's so difficult for him, he should have used a condom 9 months ago - he knew the baby would be born close to Christmas!); and this is a particularly crucial time for his OP and new child.

Pinkbonbon · 25/12/2021 13:30

He sounds like a bully. Today isn't all about him so he had to ruin it for everyone. Typical narcissist (npd) move on the holidays.

Give yourself the best Christmas present this year and dump this nasty jerk. He is not a nice human being.

AcrossthePond55 · 25/12/2021 13:44

I'm terrified that my family are going to be like 'I told you so' they really pushed for me to have an abortion and I stood my ground and said no I can have a stable family etc

Trust me on this, I speak from experience. 24 hours of 'I told you so' is better than a lifetime of misery. No one wants to admit they made a mistake, let alone have people 'tut tut', but if the alternative is being desperately unhappy and constantly feeling one wants to run away, don't you think it's worth it?

And you may just be surprised. I was in an abusive marriage and I 'held on' a little too long out of that same misplaced sense of pride. When I'd finally had enough and kicked him out the look of pure relief on my parent's faces was worth £1,000,000. Yes, I got a few 'I told you sos' and a couple of 'We warned yous'. But I also got freedom and a few years (and counseling) later a wonderful husband and 2 brilliant sons.

It's been 40 years since those "I told you sos". And I'd gladly hear them again to gain all I've gained since then.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 25/12/2021 13:45

@AcrossthePond55

I'm terrified that my family are going to be like 'I told you so' they really pushed for me to have an abortion and I stood my ground and said no I can have a stable family etc

Trust me on this, I speak from experience. 24 hours of 'I told you so' is better than a lifetime of misery. No one wants to admit they made a mistake, let alone have people 'tut tut', but if the alternative is being desperately unhappy and constantly feeling one wants to run away, don't you think it's worth it?

And you may just be surprised. I was in an abusive marriage and I 'held on' a little too long out of that same misplaced sense of pride. When I'd finally had enough and kicked him out the look of pure relief on my parent's faces was worth £1,000,000. Yes, I got a few 'I told you sos' and a couple of 'We warned yous'. But I also got freedom and a few years (and counseling) later a wonderful husband and 2 brilliant sons.

It's been 40 years since those "I told you sos". And I'd gladly hear them again to gain all I've gained since then.

Please, please listen to this post OP.

PickAChew · 25/12/2021 13:52

If anything, he's ruined your relationship by being pretty damned awful to you. Sorry that you've found out at such a vulnerable time that your supposedly D supposedly P is an infantile, abusive shit. 💐

Albgo · 25/12/2021 14:02

Honestly right now you're worrying about the wrong things. He sounds like an utter shit and you'd be better off without him. But right now you're a high risk pregnancy and need to focus on being calm and relaxed for your baby and your health. I had severe pre eclampsia and it's terrifying. Focus on your body and make sure you don't wait to call 999 if you start to feel unwell.

Juletide · 25/12/2021 14:09

Your family will love your child OP, they'll soon stop mentioning that you should have aborted him/her. The 'I told you so's' will dry up pretty fast too hopefully.

Just do whatever it takes to look after yourself for now.

Fatarseflanagan09 · 25/12/2021 14:14

This sounds like my exh, made everything about himself, a massive attention grabber and a poor me blah blah, he was a total embarrassment and would cry to his mummy and friends, I stuck it for years and ended up despising him.
Get rid of him, he's pathetic and will want to come before your baby and will resent any time not spent on him, believe me I've been there.

FurryAntiWaxer · 25/12/2021 14:19

It sounds like he has no concept of how serious your health condition is and just thinks you're being a bit precious.
Meanwhile, you're life's in danger and he doesn't want to be hurried?
He can fuck right off and stay there.

starfishofbethlehem · 25/12/2021 14:21

If my dh bad left me on my own for Xmas at 9 months pregnant, he'd be looking for his next wife.

GrumpyLivesInMyHouseNow · 25/12/2021 14:25

I'd do exactly that op, dump him and go and live by the sea with your baby

CheshireKitten123 · 25/12/2021 14:38

"He has now said I have ruined Christmas"

It not very often that I agree with LTB (as I don't like the idea of families breaking up ) but this is one of these times.

Your DP is just plain nasty OP and you deserve better than this.

user15364596354862 · 25/12/2021 14:49

but then I don't want to be 'that woman' who he will act like I don't let him see his baby

How is being a woman who knowingly and deliberately brings a child into an abusive environment preferable? Genuinely, have you followed your thought process through? Because that's where your statement ends and I have a hard time believing that's what you want for your baby.

Don't stay because of pride. You're talking about causing lifelong long term suffering to you and your child for the sake of avoiding some momentary short term discomfort.

That's not rational.

Who the fuck cares if he chats shit about you out of your earshot to people who aren't part of your life anyway? So what?

You can't make such major decisions based on fear of what you imagine other people may possibly be thinking about you. Most people don't spend much time thinking about anyone else, and even if they do - their thoughts can't hurt you.

Staying out of pride is a huge mistake. You have an opportunity to safeguard you and your baby's future by leaving. Seize it.