Husband wants me back……

[EasyGoing80]

Husband walked out on me a year ago claiming we ‘want different things’. Due to my lack of boundaries he continued to visit the kids in my home but we have had no relationship.

I filed for divorce and have been getting on with my life and rather embracing being alone. I agreed to a truce over the Christmas period before cracking on with the divorce and now he wants me back. He keeps coming round the house and brings gifts and says he wants to try again - I just don’t think my heart is in it but at the same time I feel sad for him. We were together 18 years.

What the hell do I do??

OP I hope you have a lovely day with your DC and don’t give him another thought.

Did the different thing not pan our for him?

You seemed busy on your phone - as in, were paying attention to people other than him. So he stormed off.

Believe them when they show you who they are.

Stay resolute, set those boundaries and stick to them. Get your legal advice in place. He doesn't own the house - whatever he may say, as his wife you're the equal co-owner.

My Christmas truce has backfired massively and I don’t know how to get out of it
Filing for divorce would be a great step to getting out of it. Tell him you did consult him… as much as he consulted you about leaving in the first place.

@EasyGoing80

He left and then came back early this morning to watch the kids open presents. He has now stormed off as I ‘seemed busy on my phone’ in other words, he is unhappy that I’m not putting in the effort and begging him back,

I feel sad for him. Even after all he has done, I still care about the bloke. It then makes me question my actions thinking I’m the mean one, round and round in circles we go.

If this doesn’t make you realise that getting back together would be a terrible idea, surely nothing will. A man who walked out on you and two children a year ago, causing you all grief and confusion, is now furious you are not paying him enough attention when he waltzes back in, thinking he only has to click his fingers for you to come cringing back? Don’t you see how purely insulting that is?

Get angry, OP. You’re worth more than this.

He’s getting g angry because you aren’t complying with what he wants. So be very aware that the ‘act’ gets switched off very quickly.

in other words, he is unhappy that I’m not putting in the effort and begging him back

No. His first choice of tactic to manipulate and control you failed, therefore he is trying a different tactic.

Begging him to come back to continue his abusive behaviour would not be "putting in the effort" and it would not be normal or appropriate, it would be self-sabotaging. Putting in effort is what people in healthy relationships do where both are on an even footing and collaborating, it doesn't apply here where he is dominating you.

Stop worrying about being "mean" to this abusive man, and start worrying about how mean you are being to yourself by not standing up for yourself. That would be the right focus.

Place some value on yourself.

Feel bloody sad for yourself not somebody coercing you.

You need to stop feeling sad for him, the longer you do this the longer he is going to invade your house, turn up with flowers etc. He knows you’ll tolerate this whilst you feel sorry for him.

He caused this situation! And he knows he has to play nice, as soon as you stop he won’t.

Had a peaceful day 😊 Surely of I can get through Christmas and start a fresh in the New Year, I can get through this.

I thought relationships were cut and dry. On or off, but he seems to have blurred the lines a bit or at least I have allowed him to.

Thank you for your responses. I hope everyone has had a lovely Christmas, amazing how a bottle of Prosecco can put the world to rights 😉 xx

The OW has left him.

“If this doesn’t make you realise that getting back together would be a terrible idea, surely nothing will. A man who walked out on you and two children a year ago, causing you all grief and confusion, is now furious you are not paying him enough attention when he waltzes back in, thinking he only has to click his fingers for you to come cringing back? Don’t you see how purely insulting that is?

Get angry, OP. You’re worth more than this.”

This with bells on. He chose this. He didn’t care about you a year ago. He rejected you and decided he preferred the look of a life without you in it. And he spent a year in that other life. He didn’t dash back after a weekend saying he’d made the biggest mistake and begging you to have him back. He left a year ago. He thought the grass was greener. He was happy to abandon you when he thought he’d be getting his end away with someone else (which is almost certainly part if not the whole of why he left). How dare he imagine he can shit all over your relationship and then stroll back in 1 year later and demand to be let back in. That shows just how little respect he has for you. Find your anger, OP. You can tell him - he destroyed what you had, you can’t put back time and you can’t undo or forget what he did or ever trust him again. So you need to press on with the divorce.

You need to stop being passenger in your own life, take control. Glad your day went better.

Now Xmas is over I would say to him that whilst you wish to co parent amicably you have no wish to re-enter a relationship with him.

"He stormed off"....... it stops there doesn't it ?
Close the door, You are not interested anymore he's an untrustworthy piece of shite. You now "want different things" too...