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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband wants me back……

91 replies

EasyGoing80 · 24/12/2021 12:58

Husband walked out on me a year ago claiming we ‘want different things’. Due to my lack of boundaries he continued to visit the kids in my home but we have had no relationship.

I filed for divorce and have been getting on with my life and rather embracing being alone. I agreed to a truce over the Christmas period before cracking on with the divorce and now he wants me back. He keeps coming round the house and brings gifts and says he wants to try again - I just don’t think my heart is in it but at the same time I feel sad for him. We were together 18 years.

What the hell do I do??

OP posts:
sesamebreadsticks · 24/12/2021 15:49

Don't do it, not if you are happy finding your feet and moving on and especially not if you are moving forwards from an initially painful split.
I have wasted the past 9 years of my life, grieving a marriage, overcoming the pain, getting myself back to "me" and then ballsing it all up by getting back with my ex, whom I'm now divorced from. It hasn't worked. I am angry with myself and the motivation for doing so, began just as yours potentially is - feeling sad for him.
Please be true to yourself and carry on moving forwards.

NotTheGrinchAgain · 24/12/2021 15:53

How old are the kids? It must be confusing for them if dad is in and out of the home. Make sure he doesn't tell them you are reconciling at Christmas.

I think you should ask him to stay until the kids are in bed and once they are asleep, have a proper conversation with your DH. Tell him that it is normal to have mixed feelings but if he comes back things will just go wrong again because in a whole year, really nothing has changed, and you don't want to put yourself and the kids through it twice. So after Christmas the divorce will go ahead as planned.

Tell him you are sad it has taken him so long to realise what he threw away, but that you have started to heal from his devastating departure last year and now you agree with his original conclusion : you want different things. You want someone who won't walk out and then, on their own timetable with no real discussion, announce they want to try again. You want someone who takes your feelings into account. You want someone who will be a good partner and a good father and if you can't have those things, youd rather take hour chances on your own, than compromise your happiness - for the rest of your life, always wondering if your partner's heart is really in it, whether he has one foot out of the door again.

Tell him that HE was the one who set you on this path and you won't let him put you through the heartbreak all over again. Tell him he is torturing you emotionally, and he needs to stop. Tell him that if visiting the house is confusing his feelings and making him feel he wants to rejoin the family unit, then it would be better to arrange child visits in his own home starting in January.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Happy Christmas and good luck.

Bollindger · 24/12/2021 16:04

Tell him you just can't.
That friends is all he is getting now.

Vapeyvapevape · 24/12/2021 16:11

Just imagine getting back together and he does another ‘We want different things’. Can you really go through the pain of that all over again?

Honestly, take a deep breath and tell him that you need to get on and you would like him to leave now.
I hope he’s not staying the night.

DukkaTheHallsWithBoughsOfHolly · 24/12/2021 16:15

You need to shut down any conversation that infers you might be trying again, then. He’s there as it’s nice for the kids, that’s it. Stop accommodating him. Then when Christmas is done he can take them out and not use your house as a place of contact.

It must be really confusing for your kids.

TheBeardedVulture · 24/12/2021 16:20

He can’t just pick you up and put you down when he feels like it. Tell him to fuck off.

Ellie56 · 24/12/2021 16:34

Just tell the twat straight that you don't want him back.

And stop letting him use your home as a contact point. It must be very confusing for your children.

Treacletoots · 24/12/2021 16:41

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

Its amazing how many men come running back because they realised that shock horror their ex partners don't actually need them, in fact they're doing much better without them.

Carry on pushing forward without that dead weight. You'll regret it the instant you do if you let him back in.

Chloemol · 24/12/2021 16:48

You keep your boundaries, crack on with the divorce and kept the kids go and visit him, you stop him coming to yours

SocialConnection · 24/12/2021 18:51

Has he gone yet?

Suzanne999 · 24/12/2021 18:55

@EasyGoing80

There would just be no trust would there? What horrible emotions these are though, just awful 😢 I feel like I bring this on myself for being to caring and weak
My friend’s husband did same , playing on her being caring and weak—— then scammed her out of £30k ( long story) Please be careful.
Moonface123 · 24/12/2021 18:59

"Funny how quick the milk goes sour."
If he can walk away once, he can do it again.

BackBackBack · 24/12/2021 19:44

We want different things. Translation: I'm bored with marriage and want to go out and shag other people.

We need to give it another go. Translation: I've done my shagging around and got it out of my system. I now want to come back to my comfortable and familiar life and not have to go through an expensive and stressful divorce.

ESGdance · 24/12/2021 19:51

He’s done the maths.

CrimbleCrumble1 · 24/12/2021 19:53

Think of all the pain he caused you when he said he wants different things/someone else and tell him you don’t want to get back together. Don’t let him stay tonight or he may worm his way back in.

billy1966 · 24/12/2021 20:14

He has decided that you suit him for now....until the next time.

Dont be a mug.
Dont be foolish.

Dont be used by him.

Get your divorce.

You have choices.Flowers

Outfoxedbyrabbits · 24/12/2021 20:21

I agreed to a truce over the Christmas period before cracking on with the divorce and now he wants me back.

"Ex, I suggested this truce for the children. You are abusing it to attempt to pressure me to to getting back together with you. Therefore you need to leave within half an hour. The children can see you at your place. I will not discuss this any further."

mulledwineshine · 24/12/2021 20:29

Ah OP, I am I a similar position - although he hasn't asked me back.

We have been split up a year too. He is in my house all the time and acts as if we havnt split up. he is currently on his way to mine with the kids presents and picking a Indian take away up as I have let him stay over. He has bought me loads of gifts but I have not got him anything.

He also has been in a relationship that failed.

I have had a hideous year, my nerves are shot to pieces. He is absolutely having his cake and eating it. But in the new year I will push on with the divorce as I know its him that makes my nerves bad and my mental health shit.He brings chaos to my life. I deserve better and so do you Flowers

ivykaty44 · 24/12/2021 20:33

These different things. What were they?

grass wasn't greener and he wants to come back and water his own grass, buts its died, as much as you may want to try and help him make it grown again...its probably not going to work

Christmascakecakecheese · 24/12/2021 22:08

Go ahead with the divorce and use it to set clear and defined boundaries so that you can move on.

Original poster
EasyGoing80 · 25/12/2021 10:30

He left and then came back early this morning to watch the kids open presents. He has now stormed off as I ‘seemed busy on my phone’ in other words, he is unhappy that I’m not putting in the effort and begging him back,

I feel sad for him. Even after all he has done, I still care about the bloke. It then makes me question my actions thinking I’m the mean one, round and round in circles we go.

OP posts:
Original poster
EasyGoing80 · 25/12/2021 10:32

@mulledwineshine it’s awful isn’t it?! I actually prefer the nasty side of them, at least then we have something to fight against x

OP posts:
ChargingBuck · 25/12/2021 10:42

He’s sat in my living room with the kids now as if he owns the place (technically he does)

Oh OP ... Flowers
Remember - he currently only owns half of it, & has likely compromised that by voluntarily moving out for a year - your solicitor will advise on that aspect.

Keep yourself going with the thought of your new year's resolutions:

  1. shit hot lawyer
  2. speedy divorce
  3. eventual settlement, preferably with rights to reside in the marital home until the kids are 18 - if not, sale of the home & a new start for you & the DC
  4. no more cosy visits to the kids in the marital home while the divorce goes through.

Don't talk about any of this to him - see your solicitor first, & get cracking with finalising that divorce. As soon as you either obtain residential rights over the marital home, or sell it & find yourself a new place - he doesn't get to even step over your threshold.

Hang on in there x

ChargingBuck · 25/12/2021 10:48

@EasyGoing80

He left and then came back early this morning to watch the kids open presents. He has now stormed off as I ‘seemed busy on my phone’ in other words, he is unhappy that I’m not putting in the effort and begging him back,

I feel sad for him. Even after all he has done, I still care about the bloke. It then makes me question my actions thinking I’m the mean one, round and round in circles we go.

Let his clear demonstration of what an entitled arsehole he is give you strength OP.

I hope you & @mulledwineshine find your anger.
Your STBeH's need to be given both barrels, & to stay the fuck out of your houses!

Bonbon21 · 25/12/2021 10:55

But you are not weak.... you have got on with things, coped, looked forward, started to build a new better life with a positive attitude.
You dont need him yanking your string.
Be strong, he made the decision last year.
You make the right decision this year......