Husband wants me back……

[EasyGoing80]

Husband walked out on me a year ago claiming we ‘want different things’. Due to my lack of boundaries he continued to visit the kids in my home but we have had no relationship.

I filed for divorce and have been getting on with my life and rather embracing being alone. I agreed to a truce over the Christmas period before cracking on with the divorce and now he wants me back. He keeps coming round the house and brings gifts and says he wants to try again - I just don’t think my heart is in it but at the same time I feel sad for him. We were together 18 years.

What the hell do I do??

What the hell do I do??

You stick to your guns by remembering how you are have been getting on with my life and rather embracing being alone.

You stop allowing him to call the shots, & you begin that by putting up a hard boundary to his imagined entitlement to enter your home.

He wants to visit the kids he left? - he sorts it out: they go to his place, or he takes them out on a jolly.

I'm deeply suspicious of his motives for wanting to come back.
Has his OW dumped him I wonder? - (if he was shacking up with an OW, that's why he wouldn't take the kids back to his).
Or has he got his knickers in a twist because although he "wanted different things" he now can't abide seeing you competently cracking on with solo life?
Or maybe he simply doesn't now fancy losing the family home & any other assets when the divorce finally comes through.

You haven't written of anything he has said or done to denote contrition, devotion to you, or how he feels can can make amends & re-earn your trust. It's just all about him, & what he wants.

Don't let your kind heart allow you to get walked over again OP.

What do you do? You crack on with the divorce as planned. You tighten your boundaries - no more visits at your house, if he wants time with the kids he can take them to his and take proper responsibility for his relationship with them. You continue to enjoy your new single life.

Remember, this man walked out and left you in the wreckage of your life. Let him reap what he has sown, he isn't to be trusted.

He’s found out that the grass isn’t greener/been dumped and now needs to come back to you so that you can look after him.

Like a pp said build your barriers a bit higher and then walk away, leave him crying on the other side of them .
The sheer fucking cheek of him begs belief .

And as for him buying you presents and thinking that will wipe out all the hurt he caused is just a bloody insult.

Yeah he's been dumped by OW/not getting the shags he hoped for/missing home comforts and you running around after him.

Feeling sorry for someone is not grounds to be in a relationship with them.

Why are you letting him call all the shots?

The 'different things' he wanted was basically a fantasy bachelor life with zero responsibilities. Preferably magically becoming a young man, getting bags of sex.

This has of course not happened.

What has happened is that the cold reality of being a middle aged man living alone with no home comforts - which were entirely created by you - has hit.

He has not changed and he won't. Same old same old.

@DukkaTheHallsWithBoughsOfHolly

Why are you letting him call all the shots?

Cos I’m a bloody doormat - I could kick myself! He’s sat in my living room with the kids now as if he owns the place (technically he does) I feel like I’ve lost all the power and don’t know how to reset. My Christmas truce has backfired massively and I don’t know how to get out of it

If he makes a move on you, you don't give in to it. That's the first step to getting out of it. At teatime, or sooner, you say goodbye, have a nice Christmas.

Use your words.

Ask him clearly what time he'll be leaving this afternoon, as you and the children have plans.

Keep asking. Keep repeating. Steer the conversation away from anything that may lead to getting-back-together talk.

Do not allow him to stay the night - that may lead to 'attempts'.

What the hell do I do?

Let's recap, your options would be to take him back, and spend the rest of your life wondering whether he would walk out again or ...

Divorce. Live your best life, without that dread that he might walk out again.

No contest

It’s possible to be civil without being a walkover! You’re not a doormat, you’re just a human with emotions!

He probably just realised that you sorted out so much of his life, my Mum used to do all the life admin before my parents divorced. Keep feeling sorry for him, he doesn’t feel sorry for you (because you’re better off than him!).

His OW dumped him.

Does he have a place to stay? If so, ask him to go there. It's important he gives you space.

It is arrogant of him to think he can come back. I can understand your mixed emotions as I would usually advocate working on a marriage but he may have left it too late...you have learned that life is OK without him.

@coochyboochy

His OW dumped him.

Yup. She doesn't want to leave her husband I bet.

Cos I’m a bloody doormat

Mumsnet’ateers arrive with barbwire encrusted doormat. That’ll do it.

A friend once said to me about his marriage. "She thought the grass was greener and I discovered that it is".

He wants you back because his little mid life crisis has backfired on him and he's realised what he has lost, in the meantime you've foind yourself and your independence. Funny how that happens.

Some good advice here, by treating your strength (your kindness and empathy) as a weakness hes shown you how little he thinks of you.

It’s easy to feel torn because you are probably a people pleaser so it is not natural for you to put your own needs first.

You just need to put the record straight as quickly as you can and nip this in the bud. He will probably try and make a move on you too so make sure you set your position out very soon.

My Christmas truce has backfired massively and I don’t know how to get out of it

Yes you do. When he yet again brings up getting back together do a tinkly laugh - I don’t usually like that descriptor but it’s essential here - and say “oh don’t be silly H, that ship has long sailed. Now what time are you getting going, I’ve loads left to do in fact I really must go and peel the spuds!”

Your description of him sitting there bedded in to your home is infuriating! My ex once came to pick the kids up while I was still in bed and when one of my children let him in bounded up the stairs and lay on the bed for a chat. If I could have burned the sheets I would have!

@EasyGoing80

There would just be no trust would there? What horrible emotions these are though, just awful 😢 I feel like I bring this on myself for being to caring and weak

New Years Resolution for you, OP, strengthen your boundaries, be strong and hold your resolve.

Tell him no and work on lessening your interactions with him other than child related.

OP do you love him?

My Christmas truce has backfired massively and I don’t know how to get out of it.

Ask him what time he's leaving. Not in a nasty or confrontational way. If he says anything longer than an hour, invent a reason to go out and come back in a couple of hours. Drive round and look at Christmas lights or something.

He's worked out the grass isn't greener, his bit on the side has got tired of him and he wants his three square meals and housekeeping back.

Unless you want him back desperately, I'd keep on with your new life. He doesn't deserve you.

FFS, op, don't be such a doormat. The ONLY reason he's back is because the OW dumped his arse and he wants his nice home and skivvy back. He wants everything nice and easy for himself just like it used to be.

Fuck him and fuck that. Tell him to do one.