Partner deprives me of sleep

[again2020]

I've done a Mumsnet search for this and found a couple of previous posters say they partner did this as part of emotional abuse.
When partner is drinking, which is nearly everyday at the moment, he will keep me awake by playing loud music and will order a late night takeaway for which the doorbell will ring, and he'll be noisy, singing loudly and pestering me. I can't relax.
I try to sleep in a different room to him but he'll follow me round. He's done this to various extents for years. I've tried talking, shouting, everything he doesn't listen. God knows what the neighbours think.
Last night I didn't get to sleep until after 2am and Google alarms went off at 7 (I don't know how to turn them off) and my DD was up soon after. He sleeps until late in the morning.
I don't know what to do anymore. I'm exhausted. It's making me wish Christmas was over and I was back to work.
I can't leave due to complex situations or go anywhere. Although I am thinking about my options.

Why can't you leave OP? That all sounds utterly horrific. Is it financial reasons? It's it because you're scared of him?

You can leave and should do so for the sake of you and your daughter.

Ring women's aid. You are being abused and your daughter is living in an abusive household. She will suffer and you you need to find some strength to leave.

You can always leave. What are the obstacles?

My son's dad did this when I had a c-section and a new born. When I would try and nap, he would in and switch the light on so I couldn't sleep. I remember my eyeballs used to ache.

Sounds awful, I'm so sorry to read this! What a situation. How old is your DD?

Its abuse, pure and simple.
My ex did this also - he once kept me awake over Xmas for 41 hours straight ( I was working 12 hour night shifts and he refused to let me sleep in between) . He was also violent and a binge drinker.
That was the year I finally left.
30 odd years later I am married to a lovely man .
Please leave.

Thanks everyone 💚
Despite all this my partner doesn't want to split up, even though he claims I'm a 'psycho' ...I do most of the childcare, all the housework, make ok money and he gets to go out getting drunk and sleep whenever he wants 😬
He won't go counselling, he won't sell the house.
I would leave, but my parents have warned me not to leave their deposit money tied up in the house with him still there.
My DD is 4.
@Sundancerintherain That is heartbreaking to read. I'm so glad you are happy now.
How long were you with your ex? Did you have any children then and how did you leave?

my partner doesn't want to split up, even though he claims I'm a 'psycho'

What a surprise. I think we can see who's the problem.

Tell your parents you'll pay them the deposit money back when you're on your feet again but this can't continue. Also, was it a loan or a gift?

Get a good solicitor who will help with the house sale and money issues after Christmas. In the meantime, can you order some noise cancelling headphones? And send the kids in to him when he's sleeping all morning.

This is actually a form of torture

Your parents would rather you were being abused through sleep deprivation by someone with an alcohol problem than leave the abuse? You might just have to leave anyway. You might lose the deposit but you will lose your sanity and your daughter's peaceful childhood if you stay with him. It's also not clear you will lose the deposit- take financial/legal advice.

“He doesn’t want you to leave “. Err. No shit.

Re your parents deposit, get good legal advice. You dp will say lots, and a lot of that will be compete bollocks. The best advice you can get will be worth it’s weight in gold. Know where you stand.

I don't really have lots of spare money for a solicitor. Could women's aid help me?

I'm worried he'll say I'm a drama queen and I'll ruin Dad's life if I leave him

*DDs.

I'm also concerned my parents will be very angry. But tbh they are more concerned about money than my situation and I'm starting to dislike them for it.

Yes womens aid will help including getting you legal advice
You will ruin DD's life if you stay with an abuser

Womens aid will help you get him out of the house legally

I’m so sorry, OP, he sounds awful. Sleep deprivation is literally a form of torture. I’d be quietly making plans to leave - it sounds like he doesn’t do much anyway. Regarding the deposit I would seek legal advice. Was their exact contribution written down anywhere, was it ringfenced? Was it a lot? The deposit shouldn’t be holding you back from starting a new life if things are intolerable. Him calling you a psycho is awful gaslighting behaviour.

@Sundancerintherain This sounds horrific. 41 hours? My goodness. It’s lovely to read that you’ve moved on and found happiness.
Wishing you both all the best.

@again2020
I was with him for 2 years, no children.
I left after my 2nd night shift with no sleep - I confided what was happening to my boss - she was utterly fantastic and drove me 40 miles to my parents house .
The most surprising thing to me was that everyone had an idea that something was wrong. I thought that I'd done such a good job of covering everything up.
He blustered, apologised, called me a liar, sent flowers, promised to change , threatened me and destroyed most of my belongings before we could get a van to pick them up.
But I'm still so glad I left. My life wasnt my own when I was with him.

If you think about it though- what's going to ruin your dd's life more, living with an alcohol abusing dad who doesn't get up in the mornings, and treats her mum abusively and keeps her awake at night (presumably your daughter can hear the loud music and hear his unpleasant behaviour?) or leaving that situation and living with a calmer mum who isn't being abused?

Just because he says something doesn't make it true! You actually know the truth, that's why you are posting on here, as you know this isn't the right situation for you or your daughter. I hope you can sort it out, it's so hard, start with Women's Aid (don't forget to delete your thread and history and don't leave numbers lying around).

Is the house in both your names? Are you married?

he's abusive. Please call womens aid and make a plan to leave. Do you have a friend you could go to with DD if your parents are not supportive?

If you think about it though- what's going to ruin your dd's life more, living with an alcohol abusing dad who doesn't get up in the mornings, and treats her mum abusively and keeps her awake at night (presumably your daughter can hear the loud music and hear his unpleasant behaviour?) or leaving that situation and living with a calmer mum who isn't being abused?

This. And there comes a point as a parent where you simply have to prioritise your kids over all else.

Your parents are currently prioritising money over you (their daughter) and their granddaughter.

You need to prioritise your daughter over your parents by leaving.

You can sort out the money situation once your away from him.

Your daughter is living in an abusive household with an abused mum and an abusive dad with a drinking problem. You cannot stay. And staying 'for her' is nonsense as it's far more damaging to stay than it is to get away from abuse.

Speak to women's aid. Sleep deprivation is used as a torture method for a reason. It makes victims confused, desperate and compliant. He's torturing you.

...he cant decide that you must stay together. He just cant.
Tell someone, get help.

For your daughters sake if not your own you need to leave. It will impact her in so many ways.
Call women’s aid

Was it a rental deposit or a mortgage deposit? Whose name is on the paperwork for the house?