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Relationships

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Original poster

Age gaps - talk of later life

61 replies

nothingsevercertain · 23/12/2021 21:11

Just musing but I am married too and have children with a man 15 years older than me. It isn't an age gap I would of sought out, no. But I met someone and fell in love.

However whenever I've seen a thread about age gap relationships on here, over the years, people talk about later life. When you're 60 and they're mid 70s. When you're 65 and they're 80. Of course put like that it might sound scary, but it will still be the same person you married. Not some random old man appearing in your home.

This isn't me saying they are perfect, but a look at my close friends, family and threads on here show me that no relationships are. How many same age marriages end in tears? How many men the same age as their partners up and leave them to be a single parent? Cheat on them? Tell them they don't love them anymore?

There is no certainty to anything, 20+ years of a happy relationship/marriage is far more than a lot of people get. Grab happiness where you can.

OP posts:

Original poster

nothingsevercertain · 23/12/2021 22:11

I'm not sure what the point to this thread was, I just thought if anyone like me ever does search about age gaps on here, I want them to see this perspective.

Merry Christmas all.

OP posts:

OhNoWhatYouGonnaDo · 23/12/2021 23:23

My husband is around 15 years older than me. I went into the relationship with my eyes open. I'll probably be widowed in my early 70s, if not before. But I've got another 40 years until then and I'd rather be happy with Mr Right, than have 50 years with Mr All Right.

Davros · 23/12/2021 23:41

My sister is 66 and married to someone 12 years older than her who she's been with since she was 19. She does everything for him and he's a miserable old sod, everything needs lots of planning and she can't go away overnight and he's not up to it any more. I can't say it's the other side of the coin from younger days when they were well matched, they never were. Luckily she has many outside interests

Luredbyapomegranate · 24/12/2021 00:05

Of course. Better to be happily married to someone 20 years older, than miserably to someone you own age etc.

But for the younger partner it can mean being slowed down and then many years of caring. So it’s worth considering that early on.

Campervan69 · 24/12/2021 00:30

My dad was 17 years older than my mum. She worked then when she retired had to become a carer for him. Her friends with husbands of their own age were travelling and enjoying retirement.

Now she's alone. I know she feels she missed out on a lot from her early 60s onwards. I know she would make a different choice if she had her time again.

rosesarereddish · 24/12/2021 00:35

I hate posts like these. I'm 27 with a young toddler and another baby on the way with a man 14 years older. It makes you feel totally awful about your future so just like that I've doomed my life? Brilliant.

Buildingthefuture · 24/12/2021 02:44

My DH is 13 yrs older than me. The older I get (I’m 43 now, we’ve been together 16 years) the more aware I am of the possibility of being widowed when I’m still relatively young. But honestly? I wouldn’t change any of it. He’s my favourite person in the world and we’ve had an amazing life, so many adventures that I definitely wouldn’t have had without him. And if in the future he needs me to be his carer, I would do it gladly. Life comes with no guarantees….I lost friends in their teens and twenties, I could get run over by a bus tomorrow….my attitude is to try and enjoy every day because tomorrow isn’t guaranteed for anyone.

GrannyBattleaxe · 24/12/2021 06:56

My father was over twenty years older than my mother, they were together 35 years. He sadly died aged 89, but my mother actually died suddenly aged 64. So yes, grab at all happiness. My father was fit and healthy till the last couple of days, he even bought the coal in before asking my mother to call him an ambulance! He always said we kept him young, he was playing badminton with me aged 70, and I couldn’t beat him. Nobody knows the future, having a kind relationship right here, right now is what matters.

TopCatsTopHat · 24/12/2021 07:07

Well said op.

The examples that contradict you I suspect are rooted in 'not the right man'. Because if the man is right and you've enjoyed a deep and genuine love together that matters most.

Allsorts1 · 24/12/2021 07:13

My parents have a 15+ age gap and my DMs life has been curtailed because my DSF is now bed ridden - she is a young early 70s and DSF in late 80s is near the end. It makes me sad that her last good years are so limited and I know it makes her sad too.

This can happen in why couple of course but it’s definitely not something I considered with my own 14 year age gap with ExH at the time.

I wouldn’t say this should put you off someone you truly love but it’s definitely something to consider!

Ginpostersyndrome · 24/12/2021 07:22

My sister in law has a husband. 12 years older and now mid 70s whilst she's early 60s. They have an amazing relationship (been married over 40 years) and he's fitter and healthier than she is at the moment. Their experience is very positive.

FlamesEmbersAshes · 24/12/2021 07:30

It’s tricky isn’t it? I’m all for grabbing happiness where you can but I think you also have to choose a life partner with your eyes open.

My own partner is 12 years older. It doesn’t make any difference to us at the moment but who knows for the future? But he’s wonderful so all things considered, I’d rather have him in my life than not!

saleorbouy · 24/12/2021 07:30

There's a 9 year age gap between me and DP. I'm conscious of financially planning our retirements so that the younger of us can retire earlier so as we can enjoy time together later on in life rather than one be enslaved to work while the other is retired.
Old age is definitely a topic worth musing over in your younger years so that you can both have fun together.

Crazykatie · 24/12/2021 07:31

All marriages end in tears one way or another, I am 10 yrs younger than my OH, if they do become ill and die is it better to be the same age or to be younger and healthier (hopefully) and able to cope with any caring better.
That’s how I look at it, its far more important to be happy when you are together than worry about what may happen in 10, 20 or 30 yrs time.

TopCatsTopHat · 24/12/2021 07:38

There is no script for life. The shit can hit the fan in all kinds of ways. If you've had a happy relationship for however long you're one of the lucky ones. 😍

cleo1620 · 24/12/2021 07:39

I've been with my DH for over 20 years. The age gap which doesn't matter when you are younger does make a difference when you are older. My DH is 17 years older than me. I'll be 60 next year and he is in his late 70s. I wouldn't change my decision to spend my life with him but I'm very aware that my life is very different to the lives my friends of a similar age are living. It is what is, and I'm happy, but I'd be lying if I said it wasn't hard sometimes.

Chasingsquirrels · 24/12/2021 07:43

DH was nearly 14 years older than me, we only got together when I was late 30s and he was early 50s.
I'd have loved 20 years of happiness, but he died at 58 so we had far less than that.

TopCatsTopHat · 24/12/2021 07:46

I'm sorry to hear it is hard Cleo1620. Hard is hard however it comes your way. The problem is we don't get a sliding doors movie to see how our lives would have been lived if different choices had been made, so I'm glad you at least feel you wouldn't have done things differently. I have a friend who has muscular dystrophy (amongst other health problems) her partner is her carer (married her knowing her future) and she will likely die younger than most. But they are a great team, very well suited, you could pick your partner based on what you're senior years will look like, but it won't necessarily give you a happier life overall.

Oblomov21 · 24/12/2021 07:49

I'm not sure what you're asking or what the problem is. 3 of my closest friends have 9 to 10 year age gaps and this is not a problem at all and never has been. Already been married for 20-30 years.

ShippingNews · 24/12/2021 07:52

I'm 63, my husband is 74. Of course we didn't think about the age gap - we fell in love and have loved each other all these years. He is as fit as a fiddle and mentally sharp - we've done heaps of travelling and enjoying life since we retired ( well before Covid came along anyway !).

But honestly, if you love someone you take what comes. One of us could have died / become ill / got dementia, and the other one would have gladly looked after them. There is no guarantee that the older one will get frail or get dementia - once you get past 60 that can happen to either of you. My DH and I love each other with no reservations - whatever happens, we'll cope .

It makes me mad when the age gap is discussed and people immediately talk about caring for each other as if it's something terrible and to be dreaded. It isn't - it's love in action and it's what we sign up for when we commit to each other.

TopCatsTopHat · 24/12/2021 07:57

@nothingsevercertain

I'm not sure what the point to this thread was, I just thought if anyone like me ever does search about age gaps on here, I want them to see this perspective.

Merry Christmas all.

Oblomov21 this was added.

Sundancerintherain · 24/12/2021 08:00

My DH is 20 years older than me, together 30 years. I'm in my 50s , he is in his 70s. I never look at him and see his age - I just see DH. He is active, fit and engaged with life and we love our life together.

Oblomov21 · 24/12/2021 08:19

I saw that Top Cat. I'm just wondering, is OP bothered by this? is it a problem? Has he started doing something that signifies it, she didn't notice the age difference, now does all of a sudden?

Chasingsquirrels · 24/12/2021 08:19

But neither is it easy and something to be sought out.
I cared for my DH while he had terminal cancer because I loved him and was well and able to do so, and because when I made that clear to him his preference was also to be at home rather than in a hospital/hospice.

But that didn't make it easy, it was one of the hardest periods of my life.
And being widowed at 44 wasn't a lot of fun either.

It is something worth considering before you start a relationship.
Although having said that, the nearly 14y age gap WAS a big consideration for me at the start of our relationship, but I was thinking of the potential impacts 20 years forward, not 6.

Oblomov21 · 24/12/2021 08:21

"If you've had a happy relationship for however long you're one of the lucky ones. 😍"

I agree. When you see some of the shit and utter nonsense has posted on mumsnet, if you've had an ounce of happiness you know you're one of the lucky ones / you made a good choice!

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