Age gaps - talk of later life

[nothingsevercertain]

Just musing but I am married too and have children with a man 15 years older than me. It isn't an age gap I would of sought out, no. But I met someone and fell in love.

However whenever I've seen a thread about age gap relationships on here, over the years, people talk about later life. When you're 60 and they're mid 70s. When you're 65 and they're 80. Of course put like that it might sound scary, but it will still be the same person you married. Not some random old man appearing in your home.

This isn't me saying they are perfect, but a look at my close friends, family and threads on here show me that no relationships are. How many same age marriages end in tears? How many men the same age as their partners up and leave them to be a single parent? Cheat on them? Tell them they don't love them anymore?

There is no certainty to anything, 20+ years of a happy relationship/marriage is far more than a lot of people get. Grab happiness where you can.

@rosesarereddish

Your life is your life and why do you need others’ justification?
Sensitive or not - when people ask for opinions or face choices - others offer their honest thoughts.
And the reality is that age gap becomes more of an issue as people age.

Women who date in their 40s date for example - don’t often come here wondering about relationships with 60yos. It’s because they are rarely attracted to men 20 years older in that age group. It’s just a fact of life.

Younger women go for maturity of much older men, and in your 20s, or even 30s - it’s nice to meet a man sensible than younger men. Older men are more settled, often more financially stable. And have been around the block, made mistakes, etc - so - in many ways they are really good partners.
And of course - it’s clear why they go for you get women.

No one knows what life would bring. But - if you have made a choice to have an age gap relationship, you need to accept the reality of it.

[quote MMmomDD]@rosesarereddish

Your life is your life and why do you need others’ justification?
Sensitive or not - when people ask for opinions or face choices - others offer their honest thoughts.
And the reality is that age gap becomes more of an issue as people age.

Women who date in their 40s date for example - don’t often come here wondering about relationships with 60yos. It’s because they are rarely attracted to men 20 years older in that age group. It’s just a fact of life.

Younger women go for maturity of much older men, and in your 20s, or even 30s - it’s nice to meet a man sensible than younger men. Older men are more settled, often more financially stable. And have been around the block, made mistakes, etc - so - in many ways they are really good partners.
And of course - it’s clear why they go for you get women.

No one knows what life would bring. But - if you have made a choice to have an age gap relationship, you need to accept the reality of it.[/quote]
Sure but maybe the reality I accepted is that I'm happy now and who knows what the future holds.

Not that I'm going to be a young carer or so and so forth. Not every older man or woman needs care, the majority don't. Of course it could happen. But so could so many other things. I think people can paint an overly miserable picture of the future and make it sound like it's inevitable and it can be quite painful to read that.

Not everyone is comfortable with care or being cared for but that the chance you take wether you are same age or otherwise. My OH was a widowed, his wife was a friend of mine and he cared for her for 3 yrs until the end. I was gob smacked when he asked me for a date, it took me all of 20 seconds to say yes, it’s nearly 3 yrs now and going great.

Enjoy life while you can.

I'm 3 months younger than my DH - yet fully expect to be widowed young due to his health.
Possibly before a close friend of mine who married someone 20 years older than her (us).

@rosesarereddish

People paint realistic future for the age gap relationships.
Health issues can happen in any relationship, obviously. More likely if one is much older, also obviously. But OK - if you are lucky, it doesn’t have to happen to you.

However ageing is inescapable. And while men 15+ older are attractive to younger women; what many people are saying is that it changes with time. Hard as it is for you to believe it now. I am mid-40s and men of 60+ don’t appeal to me. And none of my single friends of 45-50 are dating 65yo men.
The age difference catches up and my friends tend to try to date men closer in age, or even a bit younger. Matching levels of energy and life phase plays a huge role there.

As you said - you chose your life and you are happy. I don’t think reading MN threads that discuss your choice is helpful for you.
Life choices are often a leap of faith. You maid yours. Just live it!

Sorry that this is a DM link (it was the first one I found that wasn't paywalled) but I thought people might like to read about Johnny Rotten and Nora Forster - large age gap, illness and need to be a caree.

And love and devotion absolutely shining through

Might have helped if I'd included the link!

www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-9965211/John-Lydon-65-nears-tears-details-wife-Noras-Alzheimers-battle.html

My Bf is now 50 and her DH is 71. They have been together since just after she turned 30. 2 Dcs. Blissfully happy. They work so well. When they were about to be married we talked about the age gap and she said that there are no crystal balls. Why not marry someone she adores and see what life brings rather than marry someone who seems a better match age wise and know you have settled for something not quite right.

As it happens he is ridiculously fit. Vegan, a runner. She is not well, for various reasons so it is more likely he will outlive her, which she jokes / not jokes about. Their children are 13 and 11. We were talking recently when she had a health scare and she said that she thanks God every day for what she has.

May we all be so lucky.

My mum's dad was ten years older than her mum. Her mum died aged 55 and he lived until he was nearly 80.

A dear friend's brother has a wife a similar age and she, in her 40s, is dying of cancer.

You can't predict the future or life or who you fall in love with. You can end up being a carer to anyone, older or younger or the same age. It does not translate that marrying a man ten years your senior will result in you being their carer.

My DH is 12 years older and we get on well and have a lovely life. Whatever happens in the future, happens. You do you.

You can’t change anything in your life. So, of course for existing families with age gaps - we all wish long life and happiness.

But - if I were 50, @IcedAbstinente, and in bad health, and with 11yo child - I’d much rather have a partner who’ll be around for another many years. And, sadly, at 71 - he won’t be. By the time the kids have their own kids - neither of the parents will be around, and it’s a bit sad.

No one knows what life will bring, what challenges. And it’s still true that choosing to proceed with a large age gap relationship one is choosing a riskier path. So - if one is in early phases of dating, why go there?

There's only 9 years between my parents but my dad is a very old 72 and my mum is a very young 63.
My dad is a grumpy old sod who is obsessed with that he's about to drop dead (ironically he's very healthy for his age) and my mum is quite sprightly and positive, I feel he brings her down.
He was always a bit like that, it's probably more personality than the age difference.