Age gaps - talk of later life

[nothingsevercertain]

Just musing but I am married too and have children with a man 15 years older than me. It isn't an age gap I would of sought out, no. But I met someone and fell in love.

However whenever I've seen a thread about age gap relationships on here, over the years, people talk about later life. When you're 60 and they're mid 70s. When you're 65 and they're 80. Of course put like that it might sound scary, but it will still be the same person you married. Not some random old man appearing in your home.

This isn't me saying they are perfect, but a look at my close friends, family and threads on here show me that no relationships are. How many same age marriages end in tears? How many men the same age as their partners up and leave them to be a single parent? Cheat on them? Tell them they don't love them anymore?

There is no certainty to anything, 20+ years of a happy relationship/marriage is far more than a lot of people get. Grab happiness where you can.

Chasingsquirrels But that can happen at any age - my sister died at 40 and her same-age husband cared for her at home . Nobody could have predicted that when they got married.

I'm sorry that this happened to you . But it can happen at any age.

I would say, from my own situation, that the age gap gets bigger as you get older.
It’s not something I would look to do again, but we were young and there didn’t seem to be an age gap then.

There are no guarantees in life, but I do think it's wise to consider the long term implications of age gap relationships.

A friend of mine married her DH when she was 30 and he was 47. She's now nearly 60 and he's 77. She's slowly becoming his carer and it's really aged her too. They live like an elderly couple. I'm her age and DH is 2 years older - now our DC are grown we travel, we hike, we're out doing stuff all the time. Also my mother is 11 years older than her husband, he's now caring for her and she's very demanding of him.

Having said all that, my poor dad died aged 36, leaving behind 4 small children and a young widow so, as I said, there are no guarantees in life.

@ShippingNews

Chasingsquirrels But that can happen at any age - my sister died at 40 and her same-age husband cared for her at home . Nobody could have predicted that when they got married.

I'm sorry that this happened to you . But it can happen at any age.

Indeed, and all relationships end in one way or another.

But as a younger person entering into an age gap relationship you are stacking the odds against yourself.

I think you need to think and have plans for any marriage or long term relationship, as to what could happen in later life. Regardless of age gaps or not.

I was naive when I went into it perhaps, 15 years didn't seem much to me. One child and pregnant again and we're happy, we're a family, we work. It just makes me so sad to read that we have no future in so many peoples eyes, or a miserable one at best.

Realistically, what can you do? Leave, uproot young kids all in the hopes I meet someone younger who may end up dying young or leaving me anyway. Maybe I'd never be as happy as I have been. I wouldn't have my kids.

Just watch what you say on sensitive subjects like this, your anecdotes can be heartbreaking to people in that situation and just fill them with fear

As long as those with a 12 year plus age gap go in to it realising that the law of averages is not in your favour, then that’s fine. I wouldn’t do it. My ex was ten years older and the longer we were married, the bigger the gap got.
You will likely be widowed, or lose the golden years of your life caring for a miserable sod. Men don’t get more cheerful as they age!

Not sure what the point of the thread is. Beyond looking at yourself and justifying your life.
Which doesn’t really need to be justified.

When people come here with questions about age gap relationships - it’s normally because they are in early stages and still face a choice to proceed or not.
And objectively - when you are young and have a choice - getting into a large gap relationship isn’t the best path to chose.
When you can still meet someone closer to your age.

When you are in your 20s and 30s and your partner is in his 40-50s you tend to underestimate and discount what life would be like when you are older. And you think your current happiness is worth it.
But one can’t know challenges that would come and changing it all back it’s possible.

Of course life can be challenging in any setup. But some paths are more risky than others. So - IF there is a choice - why chose them?

Thaw threads often go the same. Younger women in age gap relationship saying it’s worth it. However very few to none 50-60yo women saying how happy they are with their 70-80yo husbands.

My parents had a 12 year gap. My father was fit and active, both mentally and physically, into his 90s. He died as a result of an accident.

My mother never had to be his carer.

@MMmomDD

Not sure what the point of the thread is. Beyond looking at yourself and justifying your life. Which doesn’t really need to be justified.

When people come here with questions about age gap relationships - it’s normally because they are in early stages and still face a choice to proceed or not.
And objectively - when you are young and have a choice - getting into a large gap relationship isn’t the best path to chose.
When you can still meet someone closer to your age.

When you are in your 20s and 30s and your partner is in his 40-50s you tend to underestimate and discount what life would be like when you are older. And you think your current happiness is worth it.
But one can’t know challenges that would come and changing it all back it’s possible.

Of course life can be challenging in any setup. But some paths are more risky than others. So - IF there is a choice - why chose them?

Thaw threads often go the same. Younger women in age gap relationship saying it’s worth it. However very few to none 50-60yo women saying how happy they are with their 70-80yo husbands.

The thread seemed like a positive thought about age gap relationships but then it's just attracted more people spouting the negatives. I dread seeing the words age gap on here because every thread makes me feel like I've ruined my life by falling in love and starting a family, the same as anyone else has. Every time I think a thread might go differently. They never do.

There's almost 20 years between me and dh. We've had 20 fantastic years together, ups and downs of course but he's absolutely the love of my life.
We don't know what the future holds for us but neither do couples with no age gap 🤷

Yep, at 30 and 45, the gap didn't feel very much at all. However at 40 and 55 I can already see things are starting to change
My previously healthy partner is starting to get ill more frequently with gastro issues, tiredness and a bad back. It feels like I can almost see the slippery slope we're about to hurtle down and it makes me incredibly sad.

The thread seemed like a positive thought about age gap relationships but then it's just attracted more people spouting the negatives. I dread seeing the words age gap on here because every thread makes me feel like I've ruined my life by falling in love and starting a family, the same as anyone else has. Every time I think a thread might go differently. They never do.

Maybe don't click on them then. Dread and ruined my life are strong reactions to words on a screen and if you really feel that way you'd be better off ignoring them.

Not all the posts on this thread have been negative.
I wouldn't change the years I had with my DH, having had them. I just wanted more!
Equally of course your shouldn't uproot your happy life and children for what may or may not happen in the future.

What people are saying is that those gonsudering such a relationship should think about the future.

@Chasingsquirrels

The thread seemed like a positive thought about age gap relationships but then it's just attracted more people spouting the negatives. I dread seeing the words age gap on here because every thread makes me feel like I've ruined my life by falling in love and starting a family, the same as anyone else has. Every time I think a thread might go differently. They never do.

Maybe don't click on them then. Dread and ruined my life are strong reactions to words on a screen and if you really feel that way you'd be better off ignoring them.

Not all the posts on this thread have been negative.
I wouldn't change the years I had with my DH, having had them. I just wanted more!
Equally of course your shouldn't uproot your happy life and children for what may or may not happen in the future.

What people are saying is that those gonsudering such a relationship should think about the future.

Of course I know that but it's very hard to read. It's hard to look at what is just my normal happy family in a negative, scary light.

I knew two women who married much older men (30 year old who married a 50 year old, women in her early 20s who married a man 23 years older than her). I do think about them now, now that their husbands will be 60 and 70 respectively and wonder how they feel. I am almost 50 and get hit on sometimes by 60 year old men but I am just not interested. The gap between 50 and 60 feels huge. At this age, the years stretch.

It's not a negative light on your family though, it's people's comments on their experiences and the statistics of that.

Enjoy your life now, if you are happy and in a good relationship you have more than some people do and that's great.
As lots of people have said no one knows what the future will bring.

I wasn't meaning to be dismissive, I really think you should try and avoid such threads if they upset you.

My dad was 15 years older than my mum. He was a grumpy old man from about 55 onwards, so, since my mum was about 40. Now he's dead and my mum is on her own in her late 60s. I wouldn't choose an older partner if I could avoid it.

My aunt married a wonderful man about 15 years older than her.
He died at the beginning of this year in his mid 80s following a shortish illness.
Their children are grown (rather than young) adults and they had a amazing life together.
I'm sure my cousins don't regret their parents age difference, they both appreciated their father.

As in any relationship there are both positive and negative antidotes.

My dad was 12 years older than my mum. He died at 90 after a very short illness. Prior to that he was travelling right up to the summer before he died - including trips to Australia. No grumpy old man syndrome - he was as pleasant at 90 as he had been at 40! They were so close, did everything together, retired at 53/65 and spent 25 years travelling and having fun. So as others have said it doesn’t have to be doom and gloom in age gap relationships

My late husband was 19 years my senior.

I was widowed young - 33 - as he died fairly young at 52.

Dealing with his illness and death was horrific, terrifying and absolutely harrowing. The last twelve months I was essentially his carer.

But if I could turn back time I'd do it all again. He was an amazing man and I was blessed to have him in my life for a bloody good fifteen years - and reasonably we could have expected another twenty-thirty years together.

my parents were the same age and one parents died 22 years before the other.

My grandfather remarried a woman 15 years younger and he died first, she died 4 years later

lefe isot a numbers game

Relationships in my family nearly all have big age gaps, so nobody batted an eyelid when I married somebody 11 years older than me. it’s always been said that you had to have more in common than your age and nobody knows what’s around the corner, of the two of us, it’s me that’s had the more severe health problems and he’s had to look after me.

I married a man 17 years older than me, the age difference never bothered me until he hit his 50s. He totally changed into a grumpy old man, totally negative view of the world & he dragged me down. Every time I looked at him I felt as old as he was & sometimes got a shock looking in the mirror. We eventually divorced but I would now never even consider dating a man even 2 years older than me. You are at 2 totally different stages of life, sooner or later that will become an issue

You'd hope he is still the mam you married, but often he won't be. Being a carer is awful and I dread the years and years ahead of me and the children.

My dad is 9 years older than my mum and now they're in their 80s he's healthier than her and is her carer. Also, not all old men are grumpy! Those who are were probably always grumpy to a point. My dh is in his 50s and is a bigger kid and more fun loving than our teenagers. Having lost 2 wonderful friends in their 40s this year, age means nothing and if you find happiness with someone then grab it because these days truly happy relationships seem very rare.