How much time do you and your DH spend together?

[moremoony]

I’m interested to know what does your DH do in the evening? How much time do you spend together? My DH disappears every eve after tea to a different room to sit on his computer. What is your evening routine? Do you just amuse yourself in the evening? Spend every eve together? I’m wondering what the point of being in a relationship is if I’m by myself every evening. Maybe it’s normal though?

We don't often spend the evening together.
We both have interests that take us out and about in the evenings - we fell into a pattern when the dc were young of these being different nights, as obviously one of us needed to be here for them, but, in truth we do have different hobbies / interests which I don't see as a bad thing. We each have friends and things we do which we might then talk about when we are together, or even if we don't, we both are happy doing what we do - which is doesn't sound as if you are. I think I would find it a bit oppressive to only sit and watch TV with him every evening.
However, we do eat together as a family, and dh and I do sleep in the same bed, so that sounds quite different from you.

In a way though, it doesn't matter what any of us do, it is about if you are happy with the situation you are in.

Unless we're working or have plans with friends, every evening. We cook and eat together, watch TV, make cocktails, play games. He's the best company.

We eat dinner together and spend an hour watching a TV drama or comedy together (sometimes with food on our laps so both in one!) When we are being good we’ll go to the gym together too. We spend a lot of time together! Once a week he’ll have a game night (on PlayStation) with his mates and I’ll read.

If ive been at work then we'll only really get an hour together if that once the kids are in bed. At the weekends we do spend more time together but usually as a family. We rarely have time with just the two of us

At the start of our marriage (26 years ago) DH spent all evening with me every night. We'd play video & board games and watch tv & films. About a decade later DH got a high pressure job that meant working on his laptop in the evenings so I had to entertain myself when I wasn't working or looking after the kids. I did try hobbies but I was really bored and lonely. DH would be irritated if I put the tv on. I'd be irritated if he fell asleep when he finally had time to watch tv. And we snipe at each other. So I understand how frustrating and lonely it can be when one of you has nothing to do. Eventually I discovered online gaming and made a load of friends. Having my own thing to do took pressure off of both of us, and we started to really enjoy quality time together. Nowadays I'll have a couple of nights with my friends, two or three with DH & the teens+ and we'll spend the rest of the nights together just the two of us. It's a lovely balance. Sounds like you maybe need to get more balance with you guys

@moremoony

I think I’m just super lonely and need company in the evening. I feel abandoned to be honest. He’s playing games normally with other people. It’s been an issue our entire relationship. I just wondered if I was being needy. I’m not sure why it makes me feel so crap. I feel like I’m missing a buddy or something to sit and chat to. I’m trying to process it in my mind.

My previous relationship was like this but extended to everything, we done very very little together. No holidays, no meals out, no days or nights out. I ended it after 7 years as I just couldn't handle it.

Some evenings DH disappears off and watches something (occasionally I do to). Quite often we'll be together faffing around on laptop together. Usually a couple of nights a week we'll watch something together or play Scrabble. It goes in phases, and depends a bit on if there's a series we're watching together - eg at the moment there's a new series of The Expanse, so we'll be watching that together. If there's nothing we both want to watch on for a while we might not spend much time together.

We have a fair amount of 'date time' to do things together under normal circumstances as well and will usually go out a few times a month. Kids are 10 and 13.

As little as possible.

@moremoony you’re not being needy. It doesn’t sound like a proper relationship.

We soend most evenings together once we’ve got the kids to bed. Usually watch a bit of tv, read in the same room, just sit with a glass of wine and chat. Occasionally one of us will have something specific we want to get done in an evening or someone we need to call etc so we will be apart then or if my husband is out for work in an evening but usually we are together

We do nothing together; a conversation is a struggle for him. Recently took a 6 week break and nothing's changed time to end it permanently.
He'd rather sit on his computer playing solitaire wearing headphones 😒

Dh is a pc gamer. His pc is in the livingroom, after ds goes to bed, if we don't want to watch a movie (which we do some nights) his pc turns on and I either read or watch TV. We sometimes talk, we sometimes sit in comfortable silence. I usually go to bed first.

Before ds, his pc was on the spare room, so after dinner we didn't see eachother until bedtime, however we went to bed together.

Weekends, we spend together doing odd jobs.

Isn’t the being stuck to a computer all evening that’s the issue here?

Prior to covid hardly anytime at all, maybe an hour a night and one weekend out of six - I don't think our relationship would have survived.
Nowadays at least 2 hours a night during the week and all evening on a Saturday and Sunday (sometimes a Friday too). He's an avid gamer and loves his PS5, his marriage before we met partly failed because he had his PS in another room and spent every night in there whilst his ex wife eventually embarked on an affair. He learned a harsh lesson there and at his request we keep the PS in the livingroom so he's not disappearing and he asks when he can use it, or he'll tell me when he has a gaming night planned with friends. He maybe spends 2 nights a week on it as an average and those nights I keep myself busy by doing the housework, phoning a friend for a catch up, washing my hair or popping out. He does become a selfish prat when a big game comes out, but the initial excitement and me getting on his wick usually lasts a week or two

“@moremoony you’re not being needy. It doesn’t sound like a proper relationship.”

This.

I don't think you're being needy at all. Like you say, what's the point otherwise? I wouldn't be happy with every night.

I work a lot in the evenings, most evenings. I always try and make sure Friday and Saturday evening are for me and DH. Sometimes Sunday but I normally have to spend at least 10 mins checking work stuff.

He's a gamer, so on the whole it gives him time to game. But every now and then he goes through an understandable phase of hating my job.

Unless one or both of us are out we spend our evenings together. He loves to cook so he’ll get home and make dinner, then we’ll eat at the table and have a catch up. Then we’ll chill in the lounge, usually watching tv, reading or chatting. I think I’d struggle with your set up, especially as you don’t share a bed either. There’s no real right or wrong answer here, it’s just whether you’re happy with how you guys do things or not x

We're together most evenings, at least in the same room even if we're doing different things. I'll be on my iPad or knitting, he often watches Netflix with ds (19). Sometimes I sit in the kitchen, especially in the summer when I can have the back door open.

We spend most of the weekend and his Tuesdays off together too, if he has errands etc I go with him (my disability means I'm medically unfit to drive) and we chat in the car.

We tend to go to bed quite early, I suffer neurological fatigue and he has sleep apnoea and needs a good long stretch of sleep.

He is away 1-2 evenings/overnights a week and every 6th weekend with his on-call rota. I quite like the quiet when he's not here, but I miss him if he's gone all weekend.

I go out 3 evenings a week (sport, hobby, seeing friends), although I'm generally back by 8:30. The other evenings I'm in but I'm generally busy with random house / kids stuff or I'm exhausted. DW would like to spend more time together, but the uncomfortable truth is that I'd rather not as I can feel a bit suffocated by her and I just need to relax.

I think sitting on a computer all and every evening playing games is a bit off though. What would happen if you joined in, or does gaming not interest you?

We always eat dinner at the table together, then often are in separate rooms with popping in and out with cups of tea and so on. We like to watch quite different things and while I am quite happy to let the TV be background noise while I read, DP is an awful flicker. Usually we are both in the living room at bedtime though.

We spend most evenings together. We often just sit with a coffee and chat. Watch TV, wrapping presents ATM, DH helps D's revise for Maths exam.

We don't live together so when we see each other we either watch something or chat. I want us to start doing some hobbies together too as don't want it to descend into just sitting watching stuff. We usually cook together too and that is fun.

He is also a game but has stopped as it was taking a lot of his attention and our relationship was suffering. I've recently made an effort to not be on my phone when we're together, watching stuff etc as I am always on it. It is always pinging so was distracting.

Talk to him and see what you can both do to enjoy spending time together.

We work together and obviously eat dinner together and then will do our own thing until 9pm when I come down to watch a series or a film with him and then we go to bed at 11 (we are up at 6)
Other than a couple of hours a day we are together all the time. Married 10 years.
XH I barely saw and that was no way to live.

@RealMermaid

Honestly that sounds super depressing. My DH and I WFH together, in the same room except for when we have meetings. We spend evenings together too. Usually watch TV together but sometimes might e.g. have him playing a computer game while I read, but I'm the same room. Obviously sometimes one or other of us would be out but that's our 'normal' evening together. I don't understand why you'd be in a relationship with someone if you don't both want to spend your free time together as a default.

I'd find what you do stifling. I couldn't stand spending that much time with one person.

Different couples, different needs. We've always spent the evenings together but after dinner usually doing different things = reading, laptop, watching tv - in the same room. We're retired now - the days we have our grandchild we spend together but the other days it will be mixture, sometimes together, sometimes apart. We've both got lots of interests and like to do our own thing. I don't believe you can put pressure on your partner to spend more time together, if they don't want to, then there's no point pushing it. I could concentrate on developing yourself in other ways, that is if you're happy to continue with the relationship.