Page 2 | How much time do you and your DH spend together?

MrsTimRiggins · 23/12/2021 21:15

It varies across the year due to the nature of his job really. I don’t see him at all in the summer. No exaggeration, I didn’t see him in any meaningful way for three weeks this summer. I knew he’d been home because his tea mug was by the bed but he was out before I woke up and home long after I was asleep at night.
On the flip side, during the depths of winter, he tends to be home by 6/7 and doesn’t generally go until 8ish.
When he’s home, we spend all our time together really. I love his company and I’m pretty sure he loves mine too so it wouldn’t really be any other way.

Shoxfordian · 23/12/2021 21:15

We spend pretty much all evening together, watching tv or doing a jigsaw or something

Sounds like you’re unhappy about it op and life’s too short for that

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 23/12/2021 21:16

We spend our evenings together. I’d hate to spend every evening alone. It sort of defeats the point of being married for me.

IncompleteSenten · 23/12/2021 21:16

We spend about an hour together in the morning and then five minutes here and there during the day if he's home.
In the evening maybe half an hour although we plan to spend more time together over Christmas. We binge watched yes prime minister while having a drink together this afternoon which was nice.

We both really value being alone (me more so I think) but it makes it really nice when we're together.

Linguini · 23/12/2021 21:17

No it's not you.

You feel ignored. You feel "divorced" as you put it.
You can't put these feelings down to you being a problem.

My DP spends too much time on his computer. It really pisses me off. But it's balanced out because we will spend entire days out together walking in the countryside, exploring, we regularly go out on long drives to new corners of the country, and make really memorable experiences together which we both cherish.

On a day to day basis yeah he'll bugger off and go on his computer, I'll be on my smartphone on eBay or whatever, but we spend our mealtimes chatting and looking forward to stuff.

What does your relationship bring into your life?

IncompleteSenten · 23/12/2021 21:18

you aren't happy and that matters. You need more and you shouldn't be in a relationship that makes you feel empty and alone.

DSGR · 23/12/2021 21:19

That situation would depress me - not sleeping in the same bed and not spending any time together. What’s the point?
We spend around four or five nights together watching a box set, then one or two nights we will do our own thing. The other night we might have friends over as a couple or we will see friends separately. We go out for dinner every few months just us and we always eat together or with the kids. Been together 11 years

ilovetomatoes · 23/12/2021 21:21

It’s definitely not you. You just seem to want different things. Have you spoken to him about it?

bluebird3 · 23/12/2021 21:27

We always spend our free time in the evenings together. Sometimes that's not much if my husband has work to do after the kid is in bed but even then he usually brings the laptop in where I am and we are at least in the same room. I like some alone time, like when his shifts occasionally are in evenings/weekends but I'd be very lovely to spend every evening on my own.

Tayegete · 23/12/2021 21:28

It’s not you. I know some couples live quite separate lives but it wouldn’t be for me. I enjoy having one or two evenings a week where we do our own thing in separate rooms / or one of us out but the rest we spend together. I used to live with a gamer who spent all his time on his computer and I left eventually as it felt like we weren’t really together.

PhilInt · 23/12/2021 21:31

I was in a relationship like this, it sucked. My boyfriend at the time was a gamer and he needed a gaming girl. I was always expected to come up with something enticing enough to get him off his computer. Totally one sided effort will make you feel unwanted and as if you are a burden. Just glad we're not together anymore, we were incompatible.

Hotyogahotchoc · 23/12/2021 21:32

We don't spend much time together mostly at DH initiation but I've got used to it. I really think he takes me for granted as we live in the same house as he often says that he spends all his free time with me but he doesn't. We may be in the same house but we both work from home then in the evenings one of us cooks, we don't even always eat together, then I have a nighttime routine with our baby. We don't even sleep in the same bed most of the time as he doesn't cope with being woken up every few hours. I don't mind that but I feel he could watch an hour of TV with me at least just some nights but that is rare.

He goes to sit at his own computer, visits his friends, spends time watching tv on his own...

Bumpsadaisie · 23/12/2021 21:34

Well we watch tv together from 9.30-11pm every day once the tween kids are upstairs.

I can't imagine doing anything else tbh! He leaves at 6 and each evening one of us isn't home until 2030 ish. If we didn't sit due together at night we wouldn't ever spend any time together!

Hotyogahotchoc · 23/12/2021 21:34

We see each other many times during the day so he thinks that means we are spending a lot of time together and the fact is we are in the house together a lot due to covid.

Flippydip · 23/12/2021 21:35

If we're at home, we're together. So that's every evening and all weekend. We prefer each others company over anyone else's!

CornishGem1975 · 23/12/2021 21:36

If we're at home, we're together. Watching a film, chatting, doing something on the computer but sitting next to each other. Would be weird if one of us disappeared into another room every night.

Bumpsadaisie · 23/12/2021 21:36

I think it's today understandable! You spend no time with each other and don't even sleep in the same bed!

Of course you feel lonely!

OverByYer · 23/12/2021 21:39

We both sit in the living room most evenings, he usually watches sport whilst I doom scroll on my phone. Sometimes we do both watch a series or film we both like.
In normal times we go to the pub for a drink sometimes.
In the summer a walk.

EarthSight · 23/12/2021 21:40

@moremoony

I’m interested to know what does your DH do in the evening? How much time do you spend together? My DH disappears every eve after tea to a different room to sit on his computer. What is your evening routine? Do you just amuse yourself in the evening? Spend every eve together? I’m wondering what the point of being in a relationship is if I’m by myself every evening. Maybe it’s normal though?

I sympathise.

Some people only need someone in the background. They are comforted knowing that the person is there for them if they need any support, any entertainment or sex. Unless two people are very similar, this often leaves the other partner feeling neglected, unwanted, used or part of the furniture.

I've read your other posts. Before I even got to them, I suspected he was a gamer. How predictable :/

He is getting social interaction OP, just not with you. You're not being needy. You have entirely reasonable relationship expectations.

Some geeky, nerdy men pick lovely, pretty, vibrant women to settle down with......and then proceed to totally ignore them. You fulfil a very specific role of 'woman' in this type of man's life. The fact that you have emotional needs is not really something they want to deal with. They enjoy a set-up where they get to sit back and have you entertain them and fill their world with nice things whilst they neglect you and you grow sadder and sadder.

It's highly unlikely he'll change so I hope you're ready to stick with this for the next few decades. I've heard of women having babies with men like this and often it doesn't even change then. They just want to put their headphones on evening after evening and disappear into their virtual world. Often the most interaction they'll want to give you is at mealtimes when you sit-down together (if they manage even that) or watching another screen (watching TV together).

Does he ever want to go out? Expresses an interest in the world outside and doing activities with you? Often men like this don't. They're fairly disconnected in that way.

todaysdilemma · 23/12/2021 21:41

It's not you. I'm a very independent person and lived alone before I got into a relationship, and honestly, if i wanted lots of time alone, i'd have stayed single.

With my exH we always stayed in the same room even if we did different things (him reading, me watching TV etc), and watched a lot of the same TV anyway. We also went for runs together after work, and the gym together too. And shared a lot of the same hobbies on weekends. We had separate friendship groups though so were only apart when doing stuff with friends. In fact, the reason I know our marriage was over was when he started going to the study to do his own thing every night. It was a sign that we had grown apart.

With my current partner it's a bit different as he does shift work and i don't. We only get a few weekends and evenings together, so we make it a point to be together as much as possible at home. Eating dinner without watching TV, and cuddling on the sofa is pretty important. And we do date night once a week. We also share the same hobbies at the weekend. I don't see the point of a relationship where there's hardly enough in common to enjoy time together. Because you don't grow together, share the same experiences and I don't know how you'd maintain emotional intimacy either.

Can you take up a shared hobby together? Or plan a date night every week where you tart up and go out? Maybe more weekends away?

Angrymum22 · 23/12/2021 21:43

If there is no sport on we spend the evening together…,,about once a week.

TherebytheGraceofGodgoI · 23/12/2021 21:43

@moremoony, everyone of your posts could have been written by me. DH comes home about 6, we eat at the table for half an hour and then he goes into the other room and watches films on the iPad all evening until bedtime. He always wears headphones as he thinks the sound is better. We have always slept in separate rooms because I can’t stand the snoring and we both like to stretch out in our own space.
This has now been going on for three years. I look around and can’t believe that this is my life.
I am lonely and bored. I know deep down ( not even deep down) that basically we are not compatible as a couple. He has no interests and has no interest in things I like.
I sit on the sofa scanning Rightmove, dreaming of my own house. I know I would be more inclined to do things in the evenings for myself without his presence in the house. He is not going to change. I cannot leave at the present time but I know that with many years ahead of me that I should. I hope to put myself first after Christmas and fill my time with classes/clubs/meetings of things I enjoy to get my fill of adult company that way.
Everyone thinks we are happy and I have no one to confide in.
Yay for Mumsnet!

MrMrsJones · 23/12/2021 21:44

DH cooks tea, I clean up
Then we sit and snuggle on the sofa, watch TV or a film.

But we are newly wed no children together and appreciate each other

NewlyJingle2021 · 23/12/2021 21:48

@moremoony I feel for you, I was in a similar situation and it contributed to our split. We also have always slept separately due to his snoring and then 2 high needs babies needing lots of attention through the night. Once they'd grown I found I just didn't want him back in my space and he felt the same about his. ExH also is not at all sociable in real life, whereas I am, but he has always been addicted to online gaming which I never had any interest in. It ramped up during lockdown and he was never able to cut back and I was unable to occupy myself with my usual activities. I had a huge issue with the time and effort he put into his online circle of friends while I did everything for the kids then sat alone in my room and he couldn't give me one iota of that attention or communication.

We did try various couples counselling but ultimately I realised I wanted more out of life than just the crumbs he felt able to throw my way. Now I don't feel lonely even though I am alone, I am so much happier now he's gone. And I'm sure he's happier able to game 24/7 without having to deal with real life people needing actual interaction.

NewlyJingle2021 · 23/12/2021 21:49

Oh and we got a dog, he got me her as a last ditch attempt to placate me then left me to do everything for her - but she's a far better companion than exh ever was!! Ditched the man but kept the dog and it was the right call for our family.