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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh keeps telling me to Fuck Off

60 replies

Frankola · 23/12/2021 15:57

Does anyone else's husband tell them to "fuck off"?

Since Sunday my dh has told me to FO on 3 different occasions. Not as a joke, just to clarify. When conversations haven't been going his way.

Last night for example, he told me to FO because I said I was exhausted this week from doing EVERYTHING for Xmas (gifts, food, wrapping...all of it)

He's never been like this before. We've been together 14 years and in the last couple of years he has suffered from depression, coupled with a job he hates.

I've really tried hard to help him through his depression but he just doesn't seem to be doing anything to help himself. His doctor recommended job hunting as he big part of his unhappiness is caused by work. But, you guessed it, he doesn't apply for other jobs and makes excuses when I push him to do so.

I dont know how much more I can put up with. It really takes a toll after 2 years with no improvements. I also don't want my dd to think its an acceptable way to be spoken to by anyone.

OP posts:
6demandingchildren · 23/12/2021 16:00

If he told me to fuck off, I would pack his shit and throw him out, he may have depression but he is bringing your mental health down as well and if he can't help himself he can't help you.

Mumof3confused · 23/12/2021 16:02

What does he say when you ask him not to speak to you like that? I would not accept my husband doing this once, let alone 3 times. Does he do this in front of your children?

Bellyups · 23/12/2021 16:04

What do you say/do when he speaks to you in this disgusting way?

moomin11 · 23/12/2021 16:06

No never, and never would. Thats awful!

girlmom21 · 23/12/2021 16:07

I'd do as he suggests. Fuck him.
Do you have somewhere you can go?

Hadalifeonce · 23/12/2021 16:09

A few years ago, for the first time ever, DH said that to me!
I packed a bag and booked into a hotel for the night. He had no idea where I was, the children were confused, and a little frightened.
I came home the next day, a school/work day, so no one at home. He had left me a very apologetic note, we spoke about respect that evening; he has never ever said it again, or anything approaching that sentiment.

BOBBY232 · 23/12/2021 16:10

Buy him a dictionary.
If he says it again.. I'd do just that and leave for a nice break at a 5*hotel on your joint account!

Original poster
Frankola · 23/12/2021 16:11

@6demandingchildren yes it's really starting to mentally affect me. He just doesn't listen to anyone. Me, the doctor, anyone Sad

OP posts:
MizzFizz · 23/12/2021 16:13

Yikes, he sounds like an (extremely rude) teenager, not a grown man. Hold him accountable for his words and actions - whatever that means for you. It's unfortunate he's depressed but he's the only one who can take these steps to help himself (e.g. look for a job, go to therapy etc.).

Original poster
Frankola · 23/12/2021 16:14

@mumof3confused @bellyups when he does it I make a point of telling him its a disgusting and inappropriate way to speak to me. When he did it today (he's at work and I'm wfh) I immediately text after our call and told him I'm disgusted in him.

When I point out that it's awful he goes quiet in a sulk and then apologises. After he does it I just shut down and stay away from him for a while to be honest. After he says it I cannot be bothered to even speak to him

OP posts:
Crazykatie · 23/12/2021 16:15

Why does he stay at a job he hates there is never a better time to change jobs, he need to realise that, if he told me to F off, I’d walk out, a night in a nice hotel with a bottle of wine and a box of crocs sounds a good place to be.

Original poster
Frankola · 23/12/2021 16:17

@hadalifeonce God that sounds like a great idea! Grin

He wouldn't have a clue what to do if I did that. And it might be the kick up the bum he needs.

OP posts:
Original poster
Frankola · 23/12/2021 16:22

@crazykatie He has been in this job for 10 years. All the staff sound like they feel the same but to me that's even more of a reason to leave!

The pay is rubbish, the team don't feel valued and he goes way above and beyond without the slightest bit of recognition.

I have tried to help him find a new job so many times. I've helped him do a cv and covering letter. I send him jobs that I think would be great for him. He just does nothing with it.

He acts like a martyr about it. I think he likes that to be honest. He also acts like he won't get anything better which is total rubbish when he is so unhappy and it damages his mental health.

OP posts:
TopCatsTopHat · 23/12/2021 16:22

Can honestly say in 19 years my dh has never said that. I don't think depression excuses it tbh. I think you can be mentally unwell and still speak respectfully, so he is more like mentally unwell + harbouring an unpleasant attitude towards you, which is not ok, especially when you are supporting him.

NeinDanke · 23/12/2021 16:29

My DH has had chronic depression since he was a teenager, and has been on a mixture of anti-depressant and anti-psychotic drugs for years.

We've been married 10 years and never once has he spoken to me like that. I don't think depression is the problem, sorry OP 🙁

Helpstopthepain · 23/12/2021 16:31

Depression doesn’t excuse it.

Lulu1919 · 23/12/2021 16:31

He's never said that to me in 35 years together

Original poster
Frankola · 23/12/2021 16:31

@topcatstophat I have actually had the same thoughts as you and asked him if he is harbouring some resentment of some kind towards me. He says not.

However, in all honesty I do think he does when it comes to his job. He just won't admit it. As I've said above his job pays very poorly for his role in the business. And he's really unhappy there. On the opposite side of the coin I have a job that pays significantly more than him (I contribute 3 times what he does per month) and I actually like my job.

OP posts:
FlipFlops4Me · 23/12/2021 16:40

Well that's hardly your fault! He should be happy for you that you have a good, well paying job. Not resentful like a stroppy teenager.

I'd tell him - say that once more and I damn well will - and mean it!

MaryAndHerNet · 23/12/2021 16:42

I'd take it as good advice and would fuck as far away from that shit head as far as I could fuck.

Original poster
Frankola · 23/12/2021 16:49

@flipflops4me @maryandhernet thank you for making me smile Flowers

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/12/2021 16:51

What are you still getting out of this relationship?. What happens the next time he tells you to fuck off?. Because there will indeed be a next time, this is after all repeated behaviour from him. You need to get off this merry go around.

Its not you, its him. But he does this to you also because he can, you're still with him. He likes blaming you for him hating his job and his depressed state. I think he is not so much depressed as is actually angry and he is angry because he is abusive. I would also think he detests the fact that you earn far more than him so resents you bitterly.

You have a DD. What is she learning about relationships here from you two?. Is this really the model of a relationship you want to be showing her and for her to potentially emulate?. You would have to admit that it is not and its not a good enough relationship for you to remain in either.

Enabling him as you are doing only gives you a false sense of control. Stop enabling him and examine your own reasons far more closely as to why you're doing that re him at all. It is likely that you learnt that from one or other of your parents and its a habit/need you need to get out and break free of. He can write his own cv and covering letter so why do you feel you have to do this?. You're not his mum.

lisaandalan · 23/12/2021 16:53

Tell know I won't you FO do us all a favour and pack your bags and FO you are nothing but a drain on me and bring no happiness to me anymore and to cap it all have become verbally and mentally abusive so FO now before I start throwing your clothes out of the window. X

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/12/2021 16:55

"I also don't want my dd to think its an acceptable way to be spoken to by anyone".

But currently at least, you're still showing her that this treatment of you to date is still acceptable to you on some level. You mention the last two years being like this, you could be for at least another two years of same. Your boundaries, perhaps already skewed by past poor experiences, are being further got at by this man now.

You are not either some sort of rehab centre for such a badly raised man.

LostForIdeas · 23/12/2021 16:56

He acts like a martyr because it then makes you the rescuer/the parents who takes care of everything.

Look at what you said. You are doing your best to support him, found adverts for him, help him with his cv etc etc etc.
Just now you are rescuing him because he is depressed and it’s oh so hard for him. He plays the martyr encouraging that.
And in his pov, it’s probably a quite good place to be in.

I’d step right back. I’d tell him that you’ve tried your best to help him but now he needs to look after himself. He also needs to step back into family life and actually do SOMETHING rather than leaving it all to you.
Then leave him to it. He is an adult. He can look after himself (and tbh unless he wants to, nothing will ever happen anyway - as per your experience)