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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh keeps telling me to Fuck Off

60 replies

Frankola · 23/12/2021 15:57

Does anyone else's husband tell them to "fuck off"?

Since Sunday my dh has told me to FO on 3 different occasions. Not as a joke, just to clarify. When conversations haven't been going his way.

Last night for example, he told me to FO because I said I was exhausted this week from doing EVERYTHING for Xmas (gifts, food, wrapping...all of it)

He's never been like this before. We've been together 14 years and in the last couple of years he has suffered from depression, coupled with a job he hates.

I've really tried hard to help him through his depression but he just doesn't seem to be doing anything to help himself. His doctor recommended job hunting as he big part of his unhappiness is caused by work. But, you guessed it, he doesn't apply for other jobs and makes excuses when I push him to do so.

I dont know how much more I can put up with. It really takes a toll after 2 years with no improvements. I also don't want my dd to think its an acceptable way to be spoken to by anyone.

OP posts:
Pinkchicken85 · 23/12/2021 17:02

I agree with the ladies who said take the kids with you to a nice hotel for a night. Bubble baths and room service all around!

my husband has never said anything so disgustingly disrespectful to me either.

Im sorry OP he’s using it as an excuse for thé jealousy and emasculation he feels over you having your s* together. Well done on finding a job which pays well and you like, you boss.

Fallagain · 23/12/2021 17:02

My DH has never told me to fuck off in 15 years. We probably argue too much but he has never sworn at me.

Perhaps its time to listen to him and leave.

Pinkbonbon · 23/12/2021 17:18

I'd pack his bags and say 'no, YOU fuck off'.

Life is too short.
Don't tolerate anyone treating you like shit.

Depression isn't an excuse, especially considering he has done nothing to combat it. Just sat about on his ass treating other people like crap for 2 years.

Fuck that noise.

LadyExpecting93 · 23/12/2021 17:21

I've been told to FO countless times by DP... as a joke. I know the difference but still not ok really.

thickthighs73 · 23/12/2021 17:27

Depressed or not that’s no excuse. I have depression and many other people I know do but we don’t go around telling people to F off. Is he on medication? (apologies if I’m repeating anything I must admit I haven’t read the full thread) perhaps it needs reviewing? I think you need to be having very strong words in that you will not tolerate it anymore or you will be seriously considering if you are going to continue the marriage.

thickthighs73 · 23/12/2021 17:30

@lisaandalan

Tell know I won't you FO do us all a favour and pack your bags and FO you are nothing but a drain on me and bring no happiness to me anymore and to cap it all have become verbally and mentally abusive so FO now before I start throwing your clothes out of the window. X
This
Original poster
Frankola · 23/12/2021 17:35

@attilathemeerkat Whilst I think its a bit gung ho to start rolling out words like "abuser", when this is literally the only issue, I agree I hate that my dd may see this and find it normal later on.

I agree he is resentful of my career rather than saying it as he's depressed. And I agree it's totally unacceptable.

I did his cv to push him as he was using his cv as an excuse. However I understand that is almost enabling him too tbh

OP posts:
BettyfromBristol · 23/12/2021 17:36

My DH has never sworn at me or in front of me in over 30 years of marriage.

Original poster
Frankola · 23/12/2021 17:37

@lisaandalan love that!

OP posts:
Original poster
Frankola · 23/12/2021 17:39

@pinkchicken85 I'm really liking the hotel ideas. It's not like he can complain about the cost if it comes from my savings account. #sorrynotsorry Grin

OP posts:
The100thHoliday · 23/12/2021 17:39

My husband would never tell me to fuck off and if he did, I would be seriously considering whether I wanted to be with him anymore. I don’t like verbally abusive men. Unattractive.

Original poster
Frankola · 23/12/2021 17:55

@the100thholiday Absolutely!

It's very difficult to be attracted to someone you have no respect for.

It's especially jarring considering that my df and dgds were incredibly respectful of women. My dgds wouldn't even wear a hat indoors in the presence of a woman as they saw it as rude!

OP posts:
TerraNovaTwo · 23/12/2021 17:56

Depression and job dissatisfaction is not an excuse to abuse.

Please do your research into what abuse is because what you are experiencing is abuse.

BackBackBack · 23/12/2021 18:03

DH and I have been together for almost 20 years and have known each other for even longer than that.

We have had some stonking arguments but we have never ever told each other to fuck off. Absolutely never. And if one of us did, it would be a hard line.

Inthewainscoting · 23/12/2021 18:10

pays significantly more than him (I contribute 3 times what he does per month)
Is he hoping you divorce him, OP?
Because he's not acting like someone who wants to stay married.

TheFoundation · 23/12/2021 18:11

He wouldn't have a clue what to do if I did that. And it might be the kick up the bum he needs

This isn't about what he needs, though. This is about you, making sure that you get what you need from your relationship. Not about training him to behave in the way you want him to, or training him to be respectful. Everything you post is about how his behaviour is unacceptable to you and needs to change. That's not how to deal with behaviour you find unacceptable. That's not how to be boundaried.

You need to tell him that he is disrespecting your boundaries, and that you won't accept it any more. And that's it. If he carries on disrespecting you, you need to decide what you want to change, rather than putting the responsibility on him to change. After all, if he wants to be a disrespectful prick, it's entirely up to him, isn't it. He might lose his wife and be a bad influence on his child, but that's not up to you to fix. All you have to do is not be around disrespect, and show your child that when disrespect is present, the right thing to do is to walk away. otherwise you're teaching her that what you do with a disrespectful person is take care of them, encourage them, help them, support them, etc. That's not good.

MizzFizz · 23/12/2021 18:22

@TheFoundation wiser words were never spoken

IncompleteSenten · 23/12/2021 18:26

What will you do when he starts to tell your daughter to fuck off?

readingismycardio · 23/12/2021 18:28

@6demandingchildren

If he told me to fuck off, I would pack his shit and throw him out, he may have depression but he is bringing your mental health down as well and if he can't help himself he can't help you.
This with bells on.
Lollyfalalalalalalalalaaahhhhh · 23/12/2021 18:34

OP, I mean this very kindly but why on earth did you start this thread if he's not so bad and you intend to keep on enabling this behaviour, and example he is setting to your dd?

Really think about it

Lollyfalalalalalalalalaaahhhhh · 23/12/2021 18:34

To answer your question - I've known do 15 years, he's never told me to fuck off

supersop60 · 23/12/2021 18:35

@TheFoundation - absolutely. You can't change someone else, only your reaction to them.

beenthereboughtthetshirt · 23/12/2021 18:35

@lisaandalan

Tell know I won't you FO do us all a favour and pack your bags and FO you are nothing but a drain on me and bring no happiness to me anymore and to cap it all have become verbally and mentally abusive so FO now before I start throwing your clothes out of the window. X
this
Hen2018 · 23/12/2021 18:36

On this occasion, I think you should do as he asks.

What an arsehole he is!

Animood · 23/12/2021 18:39

Sounds to me like he is misbehaving in the hope that you divorce him. Then he can play the injured party and get all the sympathy.

I'd get through Xmas and tell him on 27th you're leaving him. Go see a solicitor asap.