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Original poster

Husband wants me to friends with his ex ??

52 replies

Tigersparklespink · 23/12/2021 15:03

My husband has 2 wonderful children who we see half of the week . My husband and I now have a baby.

My husband wanted me and his ex to be friends. We met once and it went really well. The second time I felt she was really inappropriate- she asked me if I was on birth control ! She went on in great detail about how even though ‘they ‘ were never married - my now husband had proposed to her at a fancy restaurant. I felt it was abit agreesive . I told my husband and this led to him
Confronting her and then it all got awkward . So from then on I was very wary .

After that , we all tried to be civil and over the last few years me and ex have had a polite and friendly relationship . I send cards and chocolates for her birthday. We spend time together for the children’s birthdays. We have taken the baby over to meet his ex .

The ex is heavily involved with my husbands family due to the kids -
So she is at a lot of family functions I go to and we chat and are friendly . I will see her at least once a month .

The issue is my husband wants
us to be friends . He always suggests we go in when we drop the kids off. He has suggested she and I go out .

Today he said - let’s take the baby in when I drop the kids off . I just don’t want too. I feel it is fake and I don’t want to be fake .

I’m Happy to be polite and friendly when I have to see her but I don’t want to just drop in . surely she doesn’t want me going around her house either ? I don’t want to go there and feel so so awkward . I’m sure she must feel awkward.

I don’t understand why my husband can’t get this is just so awkward???? He says- she really likes you and wants to get to know you. She isn’t really my type of person and I find her quite manipulative and am vary of her . But then I get paranoid and think should I be making More of an effort to go in and see her ? Do the children think I’m rude ?

Please help ?

OP posts:
FTMworrier · 23/12/2021 15:06

No experience, but god no I would not be interested in being friends 😵‍💫
I would politely remind him that she’s an ex and an ex for a reason!

Bushkin · 23/12/2021 15:09

I just don’t understand this. What’s his motive? I spent 10years with my ex and have a 10yo together. I think I’ve met his new partner once, haven’t met their new baby and wouldn’t go near a family function. Why is she clinging on?

GiveOverIrene · 23/12/2021 15:11

Why on earth would you want to be forced into a friendship with his ex? Being polite and friendly when you have to see her, fair enough, but your husband shouldn't be dictating who you're friends with. I don't get why you buy her chocolates and a card for her birthday either, surely that's your DH's job, if at all?

mintich · 23/12/2021 15:13

I'd want to know his motive for this. Why now?

Rewis · 23/12/2021 15:15

Is he friends with her?

MintJulia · 23/12/2021 15:16

Regardless of circumstance, you have the right to chose your own friends.

He can reasonably ask you to be civil but that's as far as it goes.

Your dh has overstepped the mark and he needs to know that.

Original poster
Tigersparklespink · 23/12/2021 15:30

I buy her the chocolates and a card out of politeness as she is the other of the kids and I just feel I should acknowledge her birthday . Maybe it makes her uncomfortable.

My ex doesn’t dictate to me , just for some
Reason he thinks it would be really great if we hung out occasionally.
Maybe he is trying to do this so the kids see us a friends ? Maybe she wants to get to know me more ? I really don’t know. I think my husband is abit naive.

What is so hard is my husbands family are really close to her . She is invited to every family meet .
The cousins meet a lot so ex is always with my husbands sister and brother and the grandparents always meet with her so they can see grandchildren . I explained to husband I find this hard but his family have known her 20 years so it isn’t just going to stop now I am married to my husband. The ex and my husbands family all meet without him!!!!! He finds it hard too and feels alot of pressure .

Anyway - I think because his family are so involved with his he knows she is always around so wants us to be friends so I don’t feel left out ? Or awkward at family events .

I understand that the aunts and grandparents want to see the children and that whilst the kids are young , my husbands ex will be around ! But I don’t get upset / dwell. However I do find it hard at times !

If I was his ex I’d feel embarrassed to keep clinging on to my ex partners family but she feels she has known these people for 20 years so why would
She give them up .

OP posts:
TheAdmissionsFree · 23/12/2021 15:31

Tell him to back off.
Yes, it's nice if you can all maintain polite relations but that should be enough.

Didimum · 23/12/2021 16:07

No. Just no.

supercali77 · 23/12/2021 16:47

Kinda makes sense that it would make him more comfortable if you 2 were matey given that shes hanging out with his family. But....him being more comfortable at your expense isn't OK.

Justcannotbearsed · 23/12/2021 17:04

I get on fine with my dh’s ex, but it’s taken a while, it happened organically. It’s much easier than not being friends. Due to various circumstances we’ve all been away together. I know other familiar like this.

It makes weddings, graduations, birthdays easier. You do have to have boundaries, dh’s ex isn’t great at boundaries. It’s also meant that ex doesn’t see his young adult kids on their own as much as he’d like.

But on balance I’d keep it with the level you are comfortable with and see what happens.

Cloudfrost · 23/12/2021 17:09

His ex has every right to maintain a relationship with your husband family if she so pleases. She has known them for 20 years and obviously developed a relationship with them that's independent of ur DH. They may want to continue this relationship even after the kids are grown up. Why the heck should she be embarrassed. You sound very insecure and jealous that she gets on with them better than you do.

While it's perfectly normal not to want to be friends with hix ex, it would actually make sense to be friendly with her under the specific circumstances in order for family functions to be less ackward for the rest of his family. But of course you shouldn't feel forced to be friends with someone you don't want to

RedWingBoots · 23/12/2021 17:10

It is not for him to dictate who your friends are.

Tell him that while you will be polite with her when you meet her for all your children's sakes you will not be friends with her.

layladomino · 23/12/2021 17:18

It isn't for him to tell you who to be friends with. And why would you want to be friends with her specifically?

I would question his motives.

ivykaty44 · 23/12/2021 17:25

tell your dh thats its much better to keep things cordial, if you were to become friends and fell out that would make life difficult for everyone - but this way you can all be pleasant when you see each other at family occasions and thats thats

Lou98 · 23/12/2021 17:30

I think how you are now is already more than enough.
Being polite/friendly and able to be around each other for the kids is brilliant, there's no need for it to be more than that.

You need to tell your DH that you're happy to be around her at family events etc but it isn't going to be more than that so to drop it

MadMadMadamMim · 23/12/2021 17:35

I think he's being utterly ridiculous. I'd be very annoyed if my DH repeatedly made it clear he expected me to be 'friends' with anyone just because he thought I should. But with an ex? That's just weird.

Civil is perfectly good enough. Tell him you expect him to go out of his way to befriend a bloke you once had a lot of sex with. Just cos - you'd like it if they were mates.

Would he think that was odd?

Calamitydrayne · 23/12/2021 17:36

Tell him you want him to be friends with your ex boyfriend.

FOJN · 23/12/2021 19:08

I think you are being perfectly friendly, a card and chocolates on her birthday is more than I would do. You described feeling uncomfortable with her conversation on your second meeting ( I don't blame you; who discusses contraception with someone they hardly know?) but apart from that you have seen her regularly and everything has been very civil.

Your husband is being completely unreasonable, tell him to back off, you'll choose your own friends and your current level of contact with his ex is perfectly sufficient for family harmony.

TheTrinity · 23/12/2021 19:09

I'm with you OP, the level of friendliness you describes feels appropriate given the circumstance and most importantly you feel it's adequate. Maybe your H is being a bit naive, I mean ok maybe she told him she really likes you and wants to get to know you but in reality what else could she say, it doesn't mean you are obliged to follow up. I think you really do have to explain to him that she isn't someone you'd choose as a friend, it's just circumstances have thrown you all together like this, that you feel very awkward and it would be forced if you took steps to try to become friends. This is your boundary and I think it's perfectly reasonable. I think he should respect your feelings. This way you're not bad mouthing her and in theory there is still the chance for you both to be more involved naturally in time IF it happens that way.

Nosnowthisyear · 23/12/2021 19:11

That’s ridiculous. I don’t get why he is pushing it. I would hate having to see her so much even if she was really nice.

Gildedbrooks · 23/12/2021 19:17

It may be that your DH would like you to be friends so that all his children feel like they are part of an extended family . I think this can work really well if all parties are happy. I'm friends with my ex and love his children (my dds half siblings) as if they were blood. That being said their mother , the woman he married after me, is not in the picture as they're now divorced. We tried a few times to be friendly for the sake of our children being siblings and unfortunately she could not hold up her end. You shouldn't be forced to be friends with anyone , but your baby has a whole family already with the other children and she is partly enmeshed in that , so it might be helpful to find common ground (not that you're not being really gracious to her because you clearly are)

Ohyesiam · 23/12/2021 19:23

Blended families can work really well if all the adults can be friends. Is that what your husband is getting at? Ask him to tell him about how he’s trying to make it, effective together on the kids birthdays for eg?
Sounds like you are doing great with being friendly and polite with her.
Also in what ways is she manipulative?

RedWingBoots · 23/12/2021 19:29

@Ohyesiam the OP behaviour is appropriate anymore is asking for trouble.

She should be friendly but not friends as a PP pointed out if they were friends they could fall out. This would be bad for all the children.

mnetting · 23/12/2021 19:54

On the flip side I wouldn't expect my dh to be friends with my ex and I'd not expect him to encounter him at family functions, my family could well stay friendly with him but dh is family now and would be there instead and I wouldn't put him in that position, nor would my family. Why would anyone want to put someone in an uncomfortable position? It's not necessary.