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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Argument right b4 Xmas please help :(

59 replies

bexxboo · 22/12/2021 20:01

So I went and stayed with my sister for 3 nights last week while DD stayed with Grandparents.

On the final day I cleaned her kitchen, baring in mind this is a houseshare so there was a few dishes and the tap was covered in black mouldy shit.

After finishing the kitchen I sat down with her and her housemate, I said just going to mention while I was cleaning there was a load of black gunk around your tap you just give it a wipe down, in her older sister we don't have a mother and I usually say things like this to her.

She fucking lashed out at me, saying I was rude, how dare I sit there and tell her to clean her home, how would I like it if she marched into mine and started telling me how to look after the place, I got up and walked out, upon doing so she laughed and shouted ITS FUCKING RUDE.

Honestly I was so embarrassed, felt humiliated and absolutely mortified that she said all this in front of her housemate. I got my bag and caught the next train without saying bye, it set my anxiety off terribly and all I wanted to do was get away from the situation.

When she realised I was gone she asked me to come back and she didn't mean to upset me but by this point I was so upset and my anxiety was through the roof I just wanted to get home.

We didn't speak until today of which I asked if she was still coming for Xmas, this then turned into yet another argument in which she told me I was rude, self righteous and childish.

I have now told her to leave it this Christmas, and I'll speak to her in the new year.

Was I completely in the wrong here?

We also fell out last Christmas, she's really narcissistic but can't see her faults in anything. She got a speeding fine the other week and denied all responsibility!!

OP posts:

NeedsCharging · 22/12/2021 20:07

What was it she was upset about exactly?
You cleaning?
You mentioning you cleaned?.

You are not hired help. If she was happy you cleaned she should accept constructive criticism.
That said if you cleaned without being asked you are a bit off to then complain about it.

Personally when I visit people I just accept the way they live or I clean and keep quiet and don't visit again.

mugglenutmeg · 22/12/2021 20:12

You are believably rude, staying in someone's house and openly judging their housekeeping / hygiene.

Ffs how on earth did you think this was acceptable. You owe your DSis & housemate a massive apology.

MrzClaus · 22/12/2021 20:14

"Honestly I was so embarrassed, felt humiliated and absolutely mortified that she said all this in front of her housemate."

And she probably felt the exact same about you sitting them both down like they're children and explaining how to clean a tap. IMO what you did was really unnecessary - don't go into someone's home, clean something, then tell them how dirty they are - it's so rude!

Outlyingtrout · 22/12/2021 20:15

I'd just disengage a bit. It sounds like you've tried your best to be a mother figure to her in the absence of your mum but clearly she doesn't want this (whether or not she needs it). Let her sort herself out. I'm assuming she is an adult if she's living independently? Just step back and try to forge more of a normal sisterly relationship with her where you aren't responsible for her in any way (I.e. you aren't responsible for hosting her at Christmas like a parent would do). She sounds like a bit of a nightmare and it wouldn't do her any harm to fend for herself a bit more if that's the case.

Mumof3confused · 22/12/2021 20:16

I think it was kind of you to clean for her but did she ask/expect you to do that? Would you do that when staying with a friend also or just your sister? If my guests begin to clean my house I would not be comfortable with that either, and commenting on the cleanliness is a bit rude also, however helpful.

My mother in law does not have a clean home and her kitchen is really unhygienic. For a while I would clean up first thing, as I couldn’t cope with eating food cooked in that kitchen. Now I just check into a hotel and eat out instead. I do feel this is all possibly considered quite rude of me but I certainly would not tell her that her house is unclean - I’ve framed it as I’m just trying to help/make things easier for her.

Akire · 22/12/2021 20:17

Sisters can argue like no other. Sounds like you both equally offended. Do you want to spend Xmas together? Apologise both and crack on if you value her. The good thing about sisters is it can be easier to make up (until next time!)

Outlyingtrout · 22/12/2021 20:17

Wow there's some very harsh comments. You are obviously coming from a place of caring for her and trying to fill a gap that's been left by your mum. It seems obvious that your intentions are good.

VioletVesper · 22/12/2021 20:18

Sorry OP I do think you were a bit rude. It might have seemed to you as ‘just mentioning’ but ultimately you were criticising your sister and her housemates cleanliness… in front of your sister and a housemate. She was likely embarrassed and got defensive. If she laughed as you say it sounds like it could have been salvaged there and then without you dramatically leaving. If you can, and provided you otherwise face a good relationship, I’d see if you can smooth things over.

Clymene · 22/12/2021 20:19

No, that feeling isn't anxiety. It's embarrassment. You were unforgivably rude and she called you out on it.

Ohpulltheotherone · 22/12/2021 20:20

Difficult one OP - maybe SHE was embarrassed that you mentioned it in-front of her housemate, essentially pointing out that both of her and her housemate are dirty / messy / don’t know how to clean properly.

She probably did overreact but then I think you getting a train without saying goodbye is overreacting. So it really comes down to how you view the situation.

Me personally would not comment on someone’s house, even my family. We’re all different and it’s just not the done thing to point out that you think someone else is dirtier than you - sister or not!

Perhaps you should apologise for overstepping the line and she should apologise for shouting at you.

JetBlackSteed · 22/12/2021 20:20

I think you were in the wrong.
You don't stay as a house guest and lecture about their cleaning!

NynaeveSedai · 22/12/2021 20:20

You were rude. No wonder she was defensive. You massively overreacted.

Idontgiveagriffindamn · 22/12/2021 20:21

So you’re ‘embarrassed, felt humiliated and absolutely mortified that she said all this in front of her housemate’ when you did the same to her with pretty much telling her / them both off for their lack of cleaning skills.
You need to apologise as well

ancientgran · 22/12/2021 20:21

I think it would be a bit much to tell her how to clean but to do it to her and her housemate is really unnecessary. I'm not surprised she was upset, she must have felt terrible in front of her housemate.

ineedsun · 22/12/2021 20:23

Yes, you were rude, and you over reacted as many others have said.

WaltzingBetty · 22/12/2021 20:25

i'm her older sister we don't have a mother and I usually say things like this to her.

You need to stop. She's an independent adult and you're telling her off like a naughty child in front of her flatmate.

It's belittling and interfering
You need to renegotiate your relationship to one of mutual respect, stop treating her like a child and then crying and leaving when she pushes back. It's overly dramatic and quite manipulative

ZenNudist · 22/12/2021 20:25

You were completely in the wrong and need to apologise.

As others have said , itsrude to point out someone else's house is dirty, especially if you "sit them down," like they are 8.

Second storming off home was unacceptable childish behaviour. Anxiety is not a catch all excuse to behave like a muppet.

NotJustACigar · 22/12/2021 20:25

I agree you were rude - she overreacted but maybe it was the straw that bride the camel's back after 3 days of hosting you. If I were you I would apologise for your rudeness and say you now realise you were wrong. It's also not your business why she got a speeding ticket unless you're paying the fine. What you see as mothering her she probably sees as disrespect I'm guessing.

FlowerFlour · 22/12/2021 20:26

If it was wrong of your sister to call you rude in front of her housemate, isn't it also wrong of you to criticise her cleaning in front of the housemate? Surely the mouldy tap is at least 50% the housemate's fault anyway so you were insulting them both.

You can't go to someone's house and critique the cleanliness of it. It is rude. Perhaps you feel like her mum so you think you should 'mother' her and nag her about cleaning, but she lives independently now so you have to let her get on with it. Most student houseshares are a bit minging!

It all sounds very high drama with you storming out and invitations for Christmas being rescinded - all over a mucky tap!

Take a day or so to calm down and then think about the kind of relationship you want with your sister in future. Possibly as two equal adults, instead of the dynamic you have now.

Trixiethewhore · 22/12/2021 20:27

It's very rude as a guest in someone's house to criticise the cleanliness of it, especially in front of the housemate.

You probably meant well cleaning, but did she ask you to? Did you ask if you could?
I understand you're her sister but still. I'd be pretty pissed off if a guest cleaned my kitchen and commented on it being gross and mouldy.

RosieGuacamosie · 22/12/2021 20:30

Sorry OP but I agree with others that you were very rude. You don’t go to someone else’s house and start criticising the cleanliness and you definitely don’t do that in front of other people.

You then flounced off without saying goodbye and now you’re telling her she can’t come for Christmas? Am I actually reading that right?!

To answer your question yes I think you were in the wrong, so much so I’m wondering if this is a reverse?

WeeFae · 22/12/2021 20:30

You were very rude to her, you probably made her very embarrassed and gave her anxiety!

Dorismargaret · 22/12/2021 20:32

Honestly I was so embarrassed, felt humiliated and absolutely mortified that she said all this in front of her housemate.

That's probably how she felt when you criticised her. Also the fact that you normally say stuff like that seems like she's always had an issue with it and it's just built up and then she's snapped.

You need to apologize for critising and genuinely try to stop doing it.

Original poster

bexxboo · 22/12/2021 20:34

Thinking back I wish to god I hadn't mentioned it. I went on a spree and didn't think it was rude at the time or else I wouldn't have said it.

She is an embarrassing person to be with, she is rude to waitressing staff, retail, people in general, to me, so I thought I could do the same. Speak up and say whatever is at the forefront of my mind.

It was her reaction that did it for me, she was constantly biting at me the whole time I was there, and it's since she got back with her toxic ex. She completely changes as a person. She treats me like a mental health patient sometimes.

OP posts:

dustandfluf · 22/12/2021 20:38

I'll go against the grain here, I don't think you were rude. Sounds like the place was disgusting and it was nice that you cleaned it for them. Maybe they will clean for themselves now. I probably wouldn't have mentioned it in front of the house mate but I think her reaction was over the top and probably from a place of embarrassment. I'd distance myself and certainly wouldn't be apologising.

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