Argument right b4 Xmas please help :(

[bexxboo]

So I went and stayed with my sister for 3 nights last week while DD stayed with Grandparents.

On the final day I cleaned her kitchen, baring in mind this is a houseshare so there was a few dishes and the tap was covered in black mouldy shit.

After finishing the kitchen I sat down with her and her housemate, I said just going to mention while I was cleaning there was a load of black gunk around your tap you just give it a wipe down, in her older sister we don't have a mother and I usually say things like this to her.

She fucking lashed out at me, saying I was rude, how dare I sit there and tell her to clean her home, how would I like it if she marched into mine and started telling me how to look after the place, I got up and walked out, upon doing so she laughed and shouted ITS FUCKING RUDE.

Honestly I was so embarrassed, felt humiliated and absolutely mortified that she said all this in front of her housemate. I got my bag and caught the next train without saying bye, it set my anxiety off terribly and all I wanted to do was get away from the situation.

When she realised I was gone she asked me to come back and she didn't mean to upset me but by this point I was so upset and my anxiety was through the roof I just wanted to get home.

We didn't speak until today of which I asked if she was still coming for Xmas, this then turned into yet another argument in which she told me I was rude, self righteous and childish.

I have now told her to leave it this Christmas, and I'll speak to her in the new year.

Was I completely in the wrong here?

We also fell out last Christmas, she's really narcissistic but can't see her faults in anything. She got a speeding fine the other week and denied all responsibility!!

@Idontgiveagriffindamn

So you’re ‘embarrassed, felt humiliated and absolutely mortified that she said all this in front of her housemate’ when you did the same to her with pretty much telling her / them both off for their lack of cleaning skills. You need to apologise as well

This. You were rude. For what you said and for walking out.

@NotJustACigar

I agree you were rude - she overreacted but maybe it was the straw that bride the camel's back after 3 days of hosting you. If I were you I would apologise for your rudeness and say you now realise you were wrong. It's also not your business why she got a speeding ticket unless you're paying the fine. What you see as mothering her she probably sees as disrespect I'm guessing.

It is my business when she refuses to change her DVLA address to her own house and told me I need to open all her mail.

It is my business when she refuses to change her DVLA address to her own house and told me I need to open all her mail.

Don't be a martyr OP, just hand the post back to the postie and say she doesn't live there.

And can I just say, last year when she came to stay, she told me I had absolutely no taste (decor wise) 😂 and I just have to sit there and take it. You can all call me rude but there is a lot more to the story that goes deeper than 5 people living in a house and not one of them bothering to clean a fucking tap.

You were both rude. You escalated it a bit by walking out without saying goodbye and now cancelling Christmas with her. But that's your choice and your boundary.

I have a sister I don't like very much. It's taken years of me thinking we had to be close because we're sisters with no mum either. But actually, although I love her, I don't like her. We now do that thing a lot of adult siblings end up doing where we speak on the phone occasionally, but almost never see each other! She used to blow up at me a lot, never apologised and just expected things to be fine again. I made it clear that was not going to happen and now we have a more distant, but more respectful relationship.

@bexxboo

And can I just say, last year when she came to stay, she told me I had absolutely no taste (decor wise) 😂 and I just have to sit there and take it. You can all call me rude but there is a lot more to the story that goes deeper than 5 people living in a house and not one of them bothering to clean a fucking tap.

How would anyone here know there's more to the story if you don't tell it? Drip drip...

Thanks to your updates you and your sister actually sound like you just don’t like each other very much. Maybe cut back a bit of contact and take some space until there’s a possibility that you can both interact like people who don’t snipe and bitch at each other all the time, it’s not healthy.

@DancerPrancerDonnerBlitzen

You were both rude. You escalated it a bit by walking out without saying goodbye and now cancelling Christmas with her. But that's your choice and your boundary.

I have a sister I don't like very much. It's taken years of me thinking we had to be close because we're sisters with no mum either. But actually, although I love her, I don't like her. We now do that thing a lot of adult siblings end up doing where we speak on the phone occasionally, but almost never see each other! She used to blow up at me a lot, never apologised and just expected things to be fine again. I made it clear that was not going to happen and now we have a more distant, but more respectful relationship.

I feel like it was a long time coming. For a while now I've always wondered why I feel a bit quiet and on edge around her, I love her to bits but if we weren't sisters we definitely wouldn't be friends.

And I hate the fact I didn't want her to come to mine even before all this happened, I spent the last 2 years spending it with just me and her sat in my boring flat while DD goes to her dads. I feel guilty and responsible in a way for hosting her as dad lives abroad and brother is way up in Scotland.

I do have to bite my tounge around her a lot as she says a lot of stuff I don't agree with and can be quite rude to me and rude about my friends. I think this was the straw that broke the camels back for both of us. I've felt awkward for a while around her and I honestly don't know why :(

@bexxboo

And can I just say, last year when she came to stay, she told me I had absolutely no taste (decor wise) 😂 and I just have to sit there and take it. You can all call me rude but there is a lot more to the story that goes deeper than 5 people living in a house and not one of them bothering to clean a fucking tap.

Of course there's a huge back story

Happy Christmas. I hope you and your sister patch up your differences in the new year

I do appreciate all the comments good and bad, think we should just take a break from each other then when this calms down do Christmas dinner and present swapping in January as it's gone too far now to be able to spend Xmas day together, it would be awkward and uncomfortable (like last year)

It is completely fine to have a less in-each-others-pockets relationship with her.

Boundaries aren't there to end relationships - they're there to preserve them! Probably read that on a beer mat but whatever. It's true! If I saw my sister all the time I'd HATE her. As it is I don't like her but I still love her and we can have respectful, normal chats on the phone without her taking out her temper on me.

@Outlyingtrout

Wow there's some very harsh comments. You are obviously coming from a place of caring for her and trying to fill a gap that's been left by your mum. It seems obvious that your intentions are good.

yup just like the road to hell is paved with

It is my business when she refuses to change her DVLA address to her own house and told me I need to open all her mail.

she told me I had absolutely no taste (decor wise) 😂 and I just have to sit there and take it.

I feel guilty and responsible in a way for hosting her as dad lives abroad and brother is way up in Scotland.

I do have to bite my tounge around her a lot as she says a lot of stuff I don't agree with and can be quite rude to me and rude about my friends.

This right here is your problem. You haven't fully developed the ability to assert yourself and your boundaries in a polite yet firm way, and you feel like you have to manage other people's lives for them and then feel resentful when they don't appreciate it.

You don't have to do what she tells you, take insults from her, bite your tongue or accommodate someone who is rude to you.

"Sis, I don't want to be responsible for opening your mail anymore. So please update your address with everyone who sends you mail or hire a mail-forwarding service because at the end of January I'm going to start returning everything to sender with 'No longer at this address' written on each item."

"I find it hurtful when you say I have no taste. You're entitled to think what you like about my decor but I like the way my home looks. If you're going to be rude about my home when you come to it, I'm going to feel much less inclined to invite you over."

"Please don't speak to me that way, I find it rude and hurtful. Please keep your negative opinions about my friends to yourself... I don't agree with them and don't want to hear them."

She is an embarrassing person to be with, she is rude to waitressing staff, retail, people in general, to me, so I thought I could do the same.

So you did realise you were being rude?

Why would you drag the flatmate into your criticism if not for humiliation purposes? If you actually wanted to educate your sister, you could have easily said this privately to her.

Is it normal for you to start talking about cleaning scummy sink residue when you sit down to socialise, or do you just leave these topics for when you want to embarrass your sister?

From what you have said about her not ever wanting to be wrong, you seem the same. It is one thing to be rude to each other - sisters may often do that. But you embarrassed her in front of the people she lives with. Then left without saying goodbye. Distance would be good right now, as would shorter contact periods perhaps.

@dustandfluf

I'll go against the grain here, I don't think you were rude. Sounds like the place was disgusting and it was nice that you cleaned it for them. Maybe they will clean for themselves now. I probably wouldn't have mentioned it in front of the house mate but I think her reaction was over the top and probably from a place of embarrassment. I'd distance myself and certainly wouldn't be apologising.

agree.

@MrzClaus

"Honestly I was so embarrassed, felt humiliated and absolutely mortified that she said all this in front of her housemate."

And she probably felt the exact same about you sitting them both down like they're children and explaining how to clean a tap. IMO what you did was really unnecessary - don't go into someone's home, clean something, then tell them how dirty they are - it's so rude!

This. I couldn't imagine saying this to my DC in front of a housemate. As a mum I might have a quiet word in private, but not the way you did it.

Does your sister actually want you to act like her Mum? That might not be what she wants or needs. It's only helpful if she actually wants you to help. If she doesn't then you should step back and give her some space. She's an adult and it's her life.

Huge drip feed. It sounds like some space, especially over Christmas, would be best for you both.

I don’t know what your relationship is like with your sister but if you are close like I am with my sister then I get it, about twice a year we have a fallout. I sometimes parent her, sometimes I say things which seem appropriate at the time but look back and can see how that I’ve been bossy, condescending etc and it’s a case of viceversa she does the same. We both also do the thing after the fall out where we try and justify why we’ve said what we did and there’s usually other things that have irked us, getting back with inappropriate partners etc typical build up of resentment. We have both got much better now at recognising where we have have gone wrong and it’s usually a case of both having some culpability. A little breathing space and one of us saying sorry even if we feel it’s 50/50 works.

You were very rude and I would have thrown you out before you flounced!
Your sister is not a child and ut is not your place to lecture her in her own home.
My own standards of cleanliness are far below my friends but its my house my rules. Life is to short to be bleaching sinks.

I think OP it’s best to remember those who like to dish it often can’t take it— best to not try and be mum , let’s imagine instead of you being sisters, you were indeed her mum, if anyones mum came round commenting about their grubby kitchen, most people on here wouldn’t be ok with that —

You're not her parent and even if you were, she's an adult and it isn't your place to advise her on cleaning. My parents are always giving me advice and it is really annoying. I am a fully grown adult able to make my own decisions with different priorities to them.

I cannot believe that you gave her and her flatmate a cleaning lesson. They didn't ask for it and if they didn't know how to clean something, I'm sure they would be able to youtube it.

Honestly I was so embarrassed, felt humiliated and absolutely mortified that she said all this in front of her housemate.

Maybe she felt humiliated that you said all that in front of her housemate too?
I don't think there's anything wrong with what you said to your sister but don't see why you had to sit down the housemate too. That was inappropriate and probably would have annoyed me too

I still don’t understand why you cleaned her house?

I think there is wrong on both sides here. I am a parent of adult DC and I wouldn't dream of criticising their cleaning in front of housemates. It would embrass them and wouldn't be an appropriate way to speak to another adult. So whilst I can see you have 'mothered' your DSis a bit, that isn't an excuse.

Your sister's response may have come from being very embarassed at how you acted in front of her housemate.

But then you've explained that she is regularly rude and unkind to you. So step back, let her live her own life, and concentrate on enjoying yours.