Argument right b4 Xmas please help :(

[bexxboo]

So I went and stayed with my sister for 3 nights last week while DD stayed with Grandparents.

On the final day I cleaned her kitchen, baring in mind this is a houseshare so there was a few dishes and the tap was covered in black mouldy shit.

After finishing the kitchen I sat down with her and her housemate, I said just going to mention while I was cleaning there was a load of black gunk around your tap you just give it a wipe down, in her older sister we don't have a mother and I usually say things like this to her.

She fucking lashed out at me, saying I was rude, how dare I sit there and tell her to clean her home, how would I like it if she marched into mine and started telling me how to look after the place, I got up and walked out, upon doing so she laughed and shouted ITS FUCKING RUDE.

Honestly I was so embarrassed, felt humiliated and absolutely mortified that she said all this in front of her housemate. I got my bag and caught the next train without saying bye, it set my anxiety off terribly and all I wanted to do was get away from the situation.

When she realised I was gone she asked me to come back and she didn't mean to upset me but by this point I was so upset and my anxiety was through the roof I just wanted to get home.

We didn't speak until today of which I asked if she was still coming for Xmas, this then turned into yet another argument in which she told me I was rude, self righteous and childish.

I have now told her to leave it this Christmas, and I'll speak to her in the new year.

Was I completely in the wrong here?

We also fell out last Christmas, she's really narcissistic but can't see her faults in anything. She got a speeding fine the other week and denied all responsibility!!

There's wrong on both sides. It was lovely of you to clean up, but sitting them both down and telling them they need to clean and how to do it? Patronising beyond belief. I'd have been annoyed too! You were in her home.
As for the back story, you sound as bad as One another. Maybe just keep your distance because it doesn't sound like you like one another much anyway.

You behaved appallingly. You've been staying in her house, of course you should help out with washing up. That does not give you the right to criticise someone else's cleaning. You embarrassed her. You embarrassed her housemate. You say it was her reaction that got you, that she was constantly biting at you, but if you even for a moment thought your comment was in any way acceptable I expect you are causing a lot of these issues. People do bite when you are extremely rude to them, as you have been. I'd advise stop criticising your sister (both out loud and in your head) and really taking time to reflect on how controlling you are being. If you want a positive relationship with her you need to change. A lot.

@bexxboo

And can I just say, last year when she came to stay, she told me I had absolutely no taste (decor wise) 😂 and I just have to sit there and take it. You can all call me rude but there is a lot more to the story that goes deeper than 5 people living in a house and not one of them bothering to clean a fucking tap.

OP this is an awful email. The fact that your sister is rude does absolutely not justify your being rude. The fact that you write this as some sort of excuse tells me again that you are not taking responsibility for how you acted. Also describing it as 'not one of them bothering to clean up a tap' is fucking awful. The judgement dripping through this is truly horrible. You are giving yourself permission to treat your sister like shit because you think you're superior.

Don't let a sisterly tiff escalate into something you can't stop. The row about the tap is minor (you probably embarrassed her in front of her house mate, and she tried to get you to come back so did reach out) but not seeing each other at Xmas is a different level. When an older sister has taken a mum role the younger often takes them for granted in the way they would a parent. This is probably why she isn't always what you would hope for. Unless you really have had enough of her, don't cancel Christmas.

Family therapy for the two of you would probably really help you both.

@bexxboo

And can I just say, last year when she came to stay, she told me I had absolutely no taste (decor wise) 😂 and I just have to sit there and take it. You can all call me rude but there is a lot more to the story that goes deeper than 5 people living in a house and not one of them bothering to clean a fucking tap.

But the other four are nothing to do with you, so telling any of them how to clean isn't your business.

And just because your sister is rude, do you have to be?

You're both too old for this tit-for-tat nonsense

You were rude and judgemental and condensing.I think you were in the wrong.

My mum does this to me now. She doesn’t come to my home very often but when she does she tries to clean and tidy, uses the excuse of, I don’t like just sitting around. In all honesty, it absolutely fucks me off and I very rarely invite her in now. In fact, this thread is triggering my anger. My home is clean and tidy, it’s lived in and not a show home like she always has hers, but it’s comfortable and more importantly, we’re all happy.

You were rude, and I think you have to own this. If you want to clean and tidy, do it quietly if you can’t not do it at all.

I love her to bits but if we weren't sisters we definitely wouldn't be friends

There's no law to say you must keep in touch with people you don't get on with just because they're family. She generally sounds pretty unpleasant, what with being rude to waiting and retail staff, you, others, etc so why have anything to do with her?
Regarding the DVLA issue, just put put all correspondence back in the post saying "not at this address". Stop enabling shit like this.